Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, or the Korn song Beat It Upright
So, I've come to the conclusion that I'm just confused. Because most guys, just at the thought of judging another dude on their looks or anything like that, would balk up and get all macho manly and I-don't-look-at-other-guys-like-that-what-the-hell-is-your-problem. But I find myself looking at Grimmjow (like that) and noticing stuff (like that), stuff that I probably shouldn't notice about another man. That, and the fact that I'm not disturbed that I have such thoughts about my best friend, who is a guy, just confirms it for me. Confirms said confusion.
I've never been… attracted the same sex. It's not like I woke up on some day when I was just starting puberty and was like 'you know what? I think I'll like girls'. That's not how it works. It's not how it happened. I'm just attracted to girls. Have always been. But something about Grimmjow…
I've always been, uh, drawn to him. Been like that forever. But he's my best friend, right? I mean, it's natural, for me to want to be around him. He gets me like no one else does. Aside from my family, he's the only one that I can be two-hundred percent completely myself around. And who doesn't want to surround themselves with people like that?
And I like to think it's the same for him. Grimmjow's loud and brash, impulsive and insensitive; he can be a real dick and so assholic sometimes. And yeah, that's him, through and through, but it's not all that's to him. Mostly what other people see; it's all he shows them. He's so much more three dimensional than what he seems. So many sides that are rarely ever seen. I feel special, lucky, privileged that I know him on such a deeper level than anyone else.
But sometimes I don't even count myself all that lucky. I know everything there is to know about him. Even the shit I wouldn't want to know about anyone, let alone my best friend; someone that I spend the majority of my time around and have to look in the face on a daily basis. And some of the other things he's told me or that I know about him are just almost baffling.
On a particular day full of revelations and exposés Grimmjow told me something that really shouldn't be all that bewildering, but was just the same. We were hanging out in my room, sitting on the floor leaning against my bed, just chilling to some music. Me and him had recently gotten really into different American rock and metal bands. His favorite is Korn while I'm more partial to Metallica. We still get into heated debates on why whose favorite is the best.
He'd brought over some Korn CD and we were listening to that when this one particularly lewd song came on, one that he seems to love. I rolled my eyes. When we first got into our American rock and metal kick we spent hours at each others house, blaring the music that we could find and looking up the lyrics to each song. Cause, I mean, neither one of us is that much of a scholar in English class. And I remember when we first looked this one up and found a good translation. I had blushed so hard while he just turned to me with a lecherous grin on his face, proclaiming that that song was 'his type of shit'.
But that day as Korn's Beat It Upright rang throughout my room, Grimmjow was drumming out the beat on his drawn up knees and mouthing along to the lyrics as best he could.
Are you ready for a good pounding baby? (get down)
Are you ready to get it on? (get down, get down)
Don't pretend you're not fucking freaky baby. (get down)
I will spank that ass just for fun (get down, on the ground)
When the chorus ended he turned to me with a lazy kind of half smile on his face and nodded towards my stereo 'Y'know Kurosaki, I've only really done it with one girl. Once.'
I still don't know why that had shocked me so deeply. We're only nineteen now, and at that time we were eighteen. Not like we were twenty-five and he was telling me he was still a virgin. But knowing that Grimmjow, the Grimmjow Jaegerjaques, had only screwed one girl just, well, threw me for a loop. Ever since that fight in sixth grade girls had been showing him more and more interest, and after we went to high school they were pretty much throwing themselves at him. And he'd flirt around with them too, I saw him.
I know the look on my face showed my incredulity and he must have recognized it too. The smirk slowly slipped off his face and he went back to staring at my wall blankly. He shrugged. I remember his words perfectly.
'Yeah, I know, it's surprising. But that one time, it… it felt, somehow, wrong. I don't know if it was her or, or what. Sure I was hard, and yeah, she got me off, but afterwards and during it I felt… nothing. Aren't you supposed to feel something? The thought of her or seeing her wasn't what made my dick brick. It's what she did with it. And, well, after that time, I never really got the urge to do it again.'When he was done he looked at me with intense and meaningful eyes, like he expected me to figure out why he felt that way. But I couldn't answer for him, so I just shrugged my shoulders too.
That conversation was the cause of so many late night wanderings my mind took me on. Grimmjow stopping something because it was wrong, and or felt wrong… knowing that he wasn't hooking up with all the girls that always seemed willing enough to get with him… hell, realizing that I'd had more sex than him… All of it kind of, really bothered me. I mean, Grimmjow, overly sexual and indecent Grimmjow…
And the words that he spoke to me that day, I know why I remember them so well. Because, really, it's how I feel whenever I have sex. I understood what he meant completely. I always feel oddly detached to the whole thing. My mind solely on the sensations at hand, because if not, I won't come, can hardly get a rise.
Fuck it, I don't know.
Still, when I think about it, I'm still somewhat perplexed. His appearance alone could guarantee him a slew bed partners for life. I know he said that it's the whole feeling thing but, I don't get it. Shit like that's never stopped Grimmjow from dong anything. And that seems to be the only thing that is. He's still got girls flocking around him and he still teases and flirts back with them. It's just.. all weird to me. Like I said, I'm not one of those guys that gets all uncomfortable about judging another male on their appearance, and, well, I can look at Grimmjow and appreciate his looks. And it's damned obvious that the female populous can see what I can too, probably more so.
Which brings me around, full circle, to my earlier thoughts on how I've begun to slowly… notice Grimmjow in that way. He's almost otherworldly in how, well, good looking he is. I always thought he was easy on the eyes, even early on in our friendship, before we even met, actually. His looks- he's striking, exotic, and… breathtaking. Literally. Two occasions come to mind where my breath literally caught while looking at him. One just three or so weekends ago actually. He was, well, for lack of a better word, beautiful to me, in that moment. And the memory's still so vivid...
-Flashback-
"C'mon Kurosaki! You're moving like my damn grandma!"
Me, Grimmjow and a handful of other guys from school were playing a late game of soccer. Kinda traditional. We did it every Sunday since middle school. Just as the summer heated days cooled off is when we'd meet, 'round eight o'clock. No matter the weather conditions, we all tried to be there.
It was half past eight when we started and not ten minutes later it started raining. Torrentially. The rain fell hard and heavy, never letting up the whole time we were out. We all just laughed and went on. Wasn't the first time we'd got caught in a downpour and for some reason, some childish reason, the game always seemed more enjoyable, more fun in the rain. Splashing in puddles, kicking water into each others faces as we stole the ball, just fooling around and acting like the big eighteen and nineteen year old kids we were - it was damn fun.
Grimmjow, Hisagi, Ulquiorra and myself were on one team while Renji headed another. I was running along the redhead, trying to trip him up and steal the ball. He was having none of it. Renji'd always been a beast at all sports and was damn aggressive too.
"Kurosaki! Goddamn if you make us lose…" I heard Grimmjow yell out to me, leaving the threat open. I scoffed as I tried to keep up with Abarai. Fuck him. I wasn't the only one playing.
I tried harder anyway. I always did stupid shit to somehow make him happy, to please him any stupid little way. Kind of pathetic but it was always subconsciously.
My foot dipped in, trying for another steal cause we were coming up close to the make-shift goal. I bit my lip, totally concentrated, and actually got it. Renji cursed as he stumbled and I went in for a quick steal, turned around and zipped down the small playing field.
"Fuck yeah! Suck it Abarai!" Grimmjow hollered, running up beside me and glancing back, laughing as he looked at Renji slipping and sliding as he tried to get up from the wet ground. As he turned back my eyes caught his and that's when it happened. My throat constricted and that heat invaded me. You know, the one you get from seeing something surprising and pleasing and totally unexpected? It was that, that same rush…
His eyes, always bright and oddly beautiful, really… struck me at that moment. They were almost glowing, shining, and so deep; full of amusement and something that seemed almost mysterious along with that. Weird, cause I know everything there is to know about him.
It was more than weird, like time stood still around us while me and him were stuck in slow-mo. Water ran down his face, catching on the tip of his nose and dripping down. His nose was red. His lips were slightly parted and a very light pink, almost pale. Then I remembered, it was cold. The temperature had dropped with the rain. Those pale lips, parted in a silent laugh that I couldn't hear. The rushing of blood in my ears was too loud.
His lips were moving now, so slowly but I couldn't focus. His lips were moving but those goddamn eyes, so fucking blue; brilliant. And I thought to myself, 'that's beautiful'. Totally unabashed and unashamed, cause that's how I felt at that moment. My breath caught.
But then my foot caught too. I slipped, fell flat on my face and the spell broke. Grimmjow howled with laughter and my knee throbbed where it collided with the ground. That brief moment shattered, the game ended and we all left the park; I hobbled home and life went on.
-End Flashback-
I never thought about it again till now. Like, seriously thought about it. That image would flash through my mind briefly and annoyingly at the most irritating moments. Those eyes, those pale but full lips, his wet hair limp against his forehead as water seemed to run in tiny rivulets down his face, the… the goddamn startling blueness of everything about him. I mean, no one should ever have such exotic coloring, with such an intensity. It's like I saw him for the first time then, or was just really noticing him.
I remember how the blood was rushing through my veins, singing. The heat had invaded my face and my body. My heart was racing but I somehow didn't think it was from the soccer.
The weirdest shit ever.
And even now, though I don't try to push those thoughts outta my head, I just feel damned fucking weird thinking like that. I'm no homophobe. I couldn't give an eff what people do with their lives. It's none of my effin business, but it's different when it's you. It's different when you realize that you aren't on the same straight and narrow path you always thought you were on. Goddamn different when you can't get the image of your best friends soaked hair, red nose and flushed cheeks, smiling and laughing lips, his blue, blue eyes outta your head.
So I'll stick with the terms like conflicted and confused, cause it's so much more easier to handle, you know? And it's something… I think I can deal with.
A/N: This story is complete, beginning to end. I'll update once a day... if I can remember...
Thank you for the reviews and favs :)