I forgot about updating, as I figured I would.

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach

Ok. Fuck confused and conflicted. That's not what I am, not at all. I'm goddamn concerned is what I am.

Cause shits getting weirder and weirder. Awkward and, and yeah, confusing, but Jesus. This? Seriously?

I thought I could deal, I really did. But maybe I was wrong. Hell, I know I was wrong, with the way I freaked. But that moment… it - I just, I don't know. It scared me. It scared me and I can admit that. Scared me in it's intensity. So intense… And the fact that I didn't really mind that it was happening. Shit, that I wanted it to happen. Yes,I wanted it to happen, and that scares me. It scares me and excites me.

God.

Whose thought process is completely and totally fucked?

I take it back, what I said earlier. I am confused. So thoroughly and entirely confused. Still conflicted. Add concerned, too. Just a lovely, helter-skelter, shitload of emotions. But let me explain myself. Let me tell you why.

~FLASHBACK~

It was a miserably hot day.

No one was out on the streets 'cept us. No kids out playing, barely any cars on the roads; shit, I could hardly find a squirrel. So hot, that if you looked down the street at the asphalt, the ground would waver in the distance, making it look like there were puddles. Grimmjow, hyped up on Mountain Dew and candy, would jog up to each mirage-puddle-thingy and attempt to jump into them, then get fake-pissed that it never worked out. I just laughed and handed him more candy. He acts practically intoxicated when on a sugar high. Always hilarious. He's such a dumbass.

But we ran out of candy soon enough and he was coming down from his 'high', slowing down and becoming irritable and sluggish. Plus, it was hot. Had to be in the upper 90s, if not 100s. Hot as shit but neither one of us wanted to head home, and he didn't want to go indoors at all, like I did.

"C'mon Kurosaki. Quit being a lazy bitch. We're always sittin' on our asses in your house or my house, someone else's house or somewhere else. I'm tired of it. And I wanna get out today, dammit." he'd said.

I had yelled and asked if he was fucking insane and did he feel the sweat pouring from his face and soaking his light t-shirt, cause I sure as hell could see it. He laughed and turned to me.

And then it happened again.

I was reminded of that time in the rain. Our soccer game and that moment between us, where time slowed and stilled, to where only the two of us mattered. A moment that probably only I felt.

There were subtle differences. His hair was wet and not in it's usual messy, gelled, disarrayed masterpiece; limp and plastered to his forehead - like last time. Sweat slid down his face instead of the rain running steadily down it - kind of like last time. That same weird mix of amusement and mystery hung about him; totally visible in his eyes - the same as last time. And his face was lightly flushed all over, not just over his cheekbones as it had been that day in the rain - almost like last time. But his mouth… quirked up in a half smirk that did strange things to my stomach while I looked at him.

Just like last time.

I felt my breath catch as he turned to me, still turned to me (why was it taking so long?). I could feel myself flush but could hardly be bothered with caring. Grimmjow's eyes, they seemed to speak to me; as crazy as that sounds… Just, they dazzled me. Seemed to take the air right from my lungs as everything ran in slow-mo again. His lips were parting, as if to speak, but in supersonic slowness. I remember thinking, 'this weird shit is happening again'. I remember thinking 'this is crazy'. 'Breathtaking', too.

"Sweat looks good on me."

I almost jumped and garbled out what was sure to be an incoherent 'huh', but then I remembered. We were just arguing about the heat. He wanted to stay outside while I didn't. I told him he was crazy and obviously sweating balls.

And it was so crazy how only a few seconds had passed from when I told him that. Cause when I was looking at him and realizing the extreme déjà vu-ness of the rainy day and that day, the hot day, it felt like time had either stopped or an eternity had passed as I stared at him.

I turned my head to the side to mask my expression, and to get away from his ever widening smirk. The blush, I could blame on the heat, cause it was hot as sin, and I know my face was already flushed before he… looked at me like that. But the way my body reacted, I felt as if I had to hide it, though there was no way he could have known how my heartbeat sped up, or how my stomach felt like it just dropped right out of me.

Hiding the fact that I had never agreed with him on anything more, I scoffed and told him he was an idiot. But I followed him anyway, to wherever the hell he was leading us. Like some stupid dog. Cause I always did shit like that for him. Sacrificing my own wants and comfort in favor of his. Just to appease him, or to get him to shut up.

The last part, it's what I tell myself. Cause I just want him to shut up…

After ten or so minutes, we were passing a park; deserted. I took him by the arm and steered him inside, expecting some sort of uproar from him on how he did not want to be there or for me to let him the fuck go, but he stayed quite.

We ended up on the swings first, seeing who could go the highest and debating on whether you could or could not swing all the way around the bar. He claimed you could.

"Yes the fuck you can, Kurosaki." he growled, getting pissed that I kept saying no. At least not without seriously injuring yourself, I finally amended, growing irritated myself with the damn stupid argument.

"Whatever" he scoffed.

...

Next we went to the merry-go-round. We had laid on our backs, using our feet to push us 'round and 'round. The heat seemed to be a thing of the past. Still stifling, but I hardly noticed it at that point. Just looking up at the impossibly blue and cloudless sky made me uncomfortable. The sky was so blue, so pretty, practically Grimmjow's color blue. It made me grimace and shift around uneasily as I tried to forget about that earlier awkwardness with him.

It was strangely silent in the park too. The quietness was unnerving. There's never quietness when Grimmjow is around. Ever. Unless he's sleeping. I turned to my side to see him laying across from me, eyes closed. I wondered if he was asleep.

Didn't matter if he wasn't.

I couldn't look away from him.

And I was focused on the oddest details. The rise and fall of his chest as he breathed. The curve of his nose. That tiny mole he has on the left side of his chin. The length of his lashes, and how they were black, not blue.

"Whatcha lookin' at Kurosaki?"

I nearly knocked myself out on the bars as I jerked up. His eyes were still closed but a small, crooked smile was on his lips.

I stuttered out a pathetic sounding 'nothing' and got up, not wanting to look at him anymore.

"Oh. So I'm nothing now, am I?" I heard him call out to my back as I walked off. I told him to shut the fuck up (under my breath), cursing myself for staying out in this heat for so long, going along with whatever Grimmjow wanted, cause obviously I was having an adverse effect to the high temperature. It was messing with my head. Making me do, think, and feel crazy shit.

I bit on my lower lip, noticing Grimmjow's silent footsteps following me.

The last place we ended up at was the jungle-gym.

It was a kind of domed shaped jungle-gym, rounded at the top, but there were large openings at either end. A large enough space that kids could walk under it, reach up and use the set as monkey bars if they choose to swing from bar to bar.

Grimmjow had climbed to the top and just sat, legs dangling between the rails. I went to one of the sides where the openings were and everything felt so nostalgic. I grabbed the warm metal and leaned back, bringing my legs up to the same bar, hooking them around so that my upper body swung free. Mom used to take me to the same park where I would get on the same monkey bars and swing from them the same way.

I smiled and closed my eyes, just swinging gently and not caring that gravity pulled my shirt down my body some, exposing my stomach and back to the world. Who cared? It was painfully hot and no kids around for me to worry about my slight indecency. My hair almost touched the ground cause I was so tall. I didn't care about that either. Just swung there, clearing my mind of everything except mom and her memory.

I could see Grimmjow's legs in my peripheral. They swung in tune with my torso. Made me smile wider.

After another five minutes my head started getting woozy. I closed my eyes and reached my arms up, planning to dismount when a warm and sweaty palm connected with my bare side and slid up. I gasped. My eyes flew open and my legs jerked, unwinding from the bar and connecting with solid flesh on my way down. I heard cursing that wasn't my own as I fell, practically on my head. Another curse and a one hundred -sixty something pound wall of body landed on top of me, forcing the air from my lungs in a 'whoosh'.

Everything happened so fast, a blur really, if you couldn't tell from my description. I was still light headed from hanging for so long; it hurt now too, my head. I clutched at it, muttering 'ow ow ow', feeling the dirt scraping my back 'cause my shirt was still higher than it should be. I kept my eyes closed, unable to move properly. Too dazed to wonder why.

I cracked my eyes open slowly, expecting sun but getting none. My gaze locked with a blueness that I mistook for the sky for all of three seconds.

Grimmjow's face was so close to mine. I can't remember ever being so near him. So near and in his face. His breath was warm, his body conformed to every part of my own. I was stunned, but not totally. My eyes darted to every part of his face and I had no idea why. His eyebrows, the high cheekbones, that mole I just noticed earlier. And god his lips; those blue, blue eyes.

I got that feeling again. The pit of my stomach seemed to vanish, something in my chest squeezed uncomfortably, but then my heart started hammering, faster and faster. I wanted to pull away from him but there was nowhere to go. My head was already pressed as hard as could be against the ground. And I could still feel his palm on my side. At my waist, a little above my hip. The realization that it was still there sent a jolt throughout all my body.

His lips parted and he took in a sharp, deep breath. I could feel it. His eyes dilated, making the bright blue even more startling and pronounced. I saw it. The hand on my waist tightened.

I should have pushed him away, screamed at him for making me fall and landing on top of me, for dragging me out on that goddamn hot day that I just know will change everything between us.

Those parted lips leaned in as his eyelids drooped slightly. He leaned in and I didn't try to stop him. I know my own eyes were wide so I don't know how I missed it, but then his lips were pressed lightly to mine.

I swear it was like nothing I'd ever experienced before. I can't find the words to describe it. Not really. I've tried. But it felt like I had melted through the ground. And I felt incredibly hot, so heated, but from the inside out. His mouth on mine, it began to move. I didn't respond. I was too shocked. But given another second, I know I would have. I could feel that I would have. And I couldn't have that. It freaked me out more than I'd like to say.

So I hit him. In the jaw. Hard too. Hard enough to hear a solid 'whomp'. He cursed loudly and clutched his face. I shoved him off me and was on my feet within milliseconds.

"Shit Grimm. Shit! What the fuck!" My voice cracked. I was panicked and almost hysterical sounding, even to my own ears.

I stood there, breathing hard and staring at Grimmjow's slouched figure on the ground. He just laid there too, one hand cupping his jaw where I hit and the other propping up his prone body. And his eyes were so intense as he looked at me. He wasn't scowling, he didn't curse me out for the punch and the large red spot forming that I could see even beneath his fingers, he didn't get up and try to hit me back. Just laid there, staring at me, the most beautiful and fiery gaze in the world. And damn if it wasn't worse than any other shit he could have done to me.

I wished he would curse me out good. Scream at me. Be pissed with me. Fucking fight back with me. Give me a typical Grimmjow reaction. But he wasn't and he didn't. There was no anger, no malice in that blue as blue stare. I didn't like it. It did weird things to my stomach and chest.

"What the hell? You're just gonna lay there? Fucking shit Grimmjow, what's your damage!"

Fucked up on my part. I had no right to be mad at him, not really. Confused, yeah. Startled, hell yeah. But no, not mad. It's just, I just - I hated the way he was making me feel. I felt bad that I hit him. Upset with myself for making him look at me like that. Anxious and almost scared. He was suffocating me, with that goddamn look in his eyes. The longer I looked, the less I could breath.

But I must have found enough air within me. I bolted. Yeah, Kurosaki Ichigo. The guy whose been known to take on four and five people in one fight, no backing down, couldn't stick around long enough to figure out what the hell just happened between him and his best friend. Because of the look in his eyes. Because of the heat in my body, the tingling I felt, the butterflies.

I left him there, on the ground. He hadn't moved before I left and he hadn't made a sound. As I half walked half jogged half scrambled away, I resisted the urge to turn back to him.

~END FLASHBACK~

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