Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.

So I uh, uploaded the wrong chapter earlier... hehe. This hideous mistake was pointed out by KawaiiBerry-chan, which I thank you for lol. I'm vaguely retarded. Lo Siento.

Here is chapter 4.

Kurosaki is such a bitch.

And I do not mean that in the nicest way possible.

In fact, I mean it in the very worse and degrading of ways. And why I'm calling him this, it's all for the stupidest damn reason.

The dickhead has been running from me, fucking avoiding me, for a good goddamn week. A week!

And as I said, it's all very stupid, frankly fucking childish. I mean, we're men. Nineteen year old, college attending, grown ass men. But Kurosaki. Nooo, not him. He's still this blushing, stammering little bitch that most of us have grown up from, had done so years before. And I can't believe I'm saying this (fuck it all), but I still like him.

Yeah, that stunt I pulled last week -that admittedly dumb but so fucking worth it stunt- well, let's just say it's been a long time coming. Really, it's an amazing feat -me holding out as long as I did. I see it, I want it, I have it; that's normally how it is with me, how it's always been; concerning anything, everything. But then there's Kurosaki, and suddenly my rules don't apply to him. None of them. I can't just look at him and be all like 'You, me, bed, clothes off, now'. I can't fucking do it, even though I want to so badly. He'd freak out. I know he would, considering our incident last Sunday. I'd literally scare the shit out of him if I did, and surprisingly, that don't sit too well with me.

I -cough- care that it would bother him. And I never -ahem- care about anyone or anything concerning anyone. Just how it is. But fucking Kurosaki. The guy has me -cough- caring and shit, thinking about another persons feelings, 'sides my own. It's fucking ridiculous. I don't like it. I borderline hate it.

If you're wondering, like, where all this shit came from, I'll fucking tell you.

Sixth grade. The start and end of it all.

The first day I remembered seeing him was when some kid who I can't even be assed with remembering was trying to fight us.

I remember owning the hell out of that kid and multiple others while Kurosaki stood to the side like some weak punk. But for some reason, I knew he wouldn't be weak. It was weird. He just gave me this feeling.

He wasn't. He beat off two or three other ones while getting hardly a scratch.

I remember when it was done, when we'd beaten every one of those kids and every one else had fucked off, he'd helped me from the ground. Up close I could see that he had a black eye forming and a bruise on his jaw. He pulled me up from the ground and I thanked him and slapped a hand on his back. The setting sun behind him gave his retarded hair a kind of golden hue. It stopped me in my tracks for a second.

I remember grinning like an idiot before I left, blood dripping from my nose onto my teeth. But as I left him, it took a minute for my heartbeat to slow down.

We got close after that but nothing changed. I thought it was damn weird that whenever he was around I would get this quickening of my heart. I didn't pay it any mind.

It didn't take me a long time to figure out that I was gay. Knew by the time I hit eighth grade. Girls just did nothing for me the way they seemed to with Abarai and Hisagi. They'd talk about how girls they liked would make them feel: jittery, excited and anxious. Shit that I'd been feeling all along, since the day I met Kurosaki. Round that time is when I knew, knew that that shit wasn't right.

I tried to get rid of them, those feelings. Using other people to get my mind off of him. The opposite sex to see if I could "cure" myself. It didn't work. Nothing works. Even as I fooled around with some random chick from school, a very hot chick, it… didn't work. Even as she told me to do it to her from behind, I… thought of him.

I hated that I did think of him. I hated it. It scared me. It quite frankly fucking made me sick, revolted me. But I got over it, cause it just kept happening. Every time I'd try to talk to someone else, it was him keeping me from pulling through.

I never slept with anyone else since the first girl. And I stopped caring and trying to kid myself.

I liked Kurosaki Ichigo, like Kurosaki Ichigo, but really who gave a shit? As long as I knew how I felt about him, did it matter? As long as no one else knew? I always figured it'd be something that only I knew I felt. I was okay with that. Shit, more than okay. I didn't want anyone to know. I couldn't imagine how fucked up it would be if some one managed to find out. But, then there were things to make me wonder…

Kurosaki, he- I… I dunno. I swear there have been times where he just… looks at me. Really, it sounds dumb, but… he'll look at me in such a way that'll make me think that maybe, just maybe he… fuck, I don't know. There've been times where he's looking at me just so fucking intensely and I get so heated from that stare alone, but from the inside out, that it made me think that I wasn't the only one. That maybe, just maybe, if I was close enough, leaned in close enough, and tried to kiss him, he'd be okay with it.

But we see how acting out on dumbass gut feelings and dreams got me. Avoidance and a friend that's scared as shit that I'm gonna molest him.

There've been so many times within the past week that I want to get him alone so we can just fucking sort this thing out, even fucking just forget it ever happened, but it's nigh fucking impossible. Every time I get within hearing distance of him he pretty much just bolts. He'll very briefly glance at me, blush and stutter and be gone the next second. I haven't been able to get him alone so we can just damn talk about what happened at all. And as much as I hate talking about feelings and shit, it still pisses me the hell off.

I mean, I'm no female, but I know we gotta address this. I know I shouldn't have done what I did, but, like I said, it's been a long time coming, yeah? It's just too damn hard sometimes, hiding these feeling. And these feelings… sometimes I think I hate them. But when I think about who they're for, what they mean to me, I know there's no hate. None at all.

I'd just left my college calculus class so I was in a pretty shit mood. Math with more symbols than numbers does that to me, and the fact that it starts at seven fucking a.m. I was hungry on top of it, fucking tired and my best friend had been ducking a dodging me for a full-on eight days, not that I was counting. As far as I was concerned, everyone could go and get bent.

I walked down the hall staring straight ahead and hoped my expression told anyone that had plans to speak to me to shut the fuck up and leave me alone. I wanted food. I wanted my bed. I could hear them calling to me.

I round a corner and see Hisagi and Abarai at a glance. Someone else is with them in a dark hoodie, hood pulled up, but I could really give a shit. Ten feet away from them I jerk my head up in silent greeting. They nod back and I move to quicken my pace so I can grab something to eat and go back to bed, but then the hoodie clad person's moving from behind them, heading past them and in my direction, past me. I glance up reflexively and catch orange underneath the dark brown hood and realize that it's the bitch.

I look up and there's Kurosaki, looking straight at me like a deer caught in the fucking headlights. His brown eyes widened so wide that I see the whites all around them. My lip curls and I forget all about sleep and food.

"Kurosaki" I kind of growl out his name and start forward.

There's a purpose in my steps and I know he sees it. Panic flashes in his light brown eyes. My steps quicken and I snatch up the front of his hoodie before he can bolt.

"Gr- Grimmjow!" he gasps and stutters out. I don't like the way he says my name. It's too strained, too surprised. An underlying current of fear. Pisses me right the fuck off. My lip curls more.

"Yes Kurosaki, it's Grimmjow." I mock his voice in a falsetto, childishly, but we're both being damn childish I guess.

I drag him a couple of feet behind me, hearing his stumbling footfalls echo in the nearly empty halls. The few people milling around glance sideways at us but I stop that shit real quick with a hard look. Abarai and Hisagi call out to us but I ignore it. Kurosaki stays silent.

We end up in a stairwell, on a landing between the second and third floors. Kurosaki is standing up, leaning against the railing, as far away from me as possible without actually being halfway down the flight of stairs. I clench my jaw, feeling oddly fucking hurt by the distance. I scowl to myself and shrug it off, well at least try to.

I pull my body up onto the opposite railing, sitting with one foot propped up on it, knee bent, the other dangling, and just watch him.

Kurosaki's fidgeting, and it's annoying. He tries to look nonchalant, like he's not silently freaking out (and I know what a silently freaking out Kurosaki looks like; this is it), but he's doing a grand shitty job. His eyes wander, looking at any and everything that isn't me. That shit kinda stings too.

Me and Kurosaki, we've never been like this. Distant, awkward, shifty. Words I never thought would describe our relationship, to any sort of degree. It... bothers me in more ways than one that I'm doing it now.

I sigh to myself internally and look over him and don't care that he knows I'm watching. Kurosaki looks good today. Even sleep rumpled and covered in a shit colored hoodie he still looks good. I reach for my smokes and try for some convo, saying the first thing that comes to mind that people talk about when they don't know what the fuck else to say. Just anything so the awkwardness isn't so loud and ringing in my ears…

"So, nice weather we're having, eh?"

He stops fiddling with the chain attached to his belt but doesn't look up. I hear thunder rumble in the distance and glance out the window. The weather is not actually nice. Dark, gusty, threatening rain. Guess I didn't notice since I pretty much crawled to class, because, you know, it was seven o'-fucking-clock. Kurosaki nods. Guess he didn't notice either…

I clear my throat and try again.

"Did you see the game yesterday?"

I have no idea what game I'm referring to. I watched no sports, don't even know if anything came on. He just shrugs anyway and starts fiddling with the zipper to his jacket.

"That hoodie looks like someone's shit."

Insults? Normally the way to go to get a rise out of him. He doesn't even shrug, no reaction at all.

"Where's your homework for physics? I need to copy it."

Shrug this time. Still silent.

"I beat your high score on Angry Birds."

Nothing

"Your friend Inoue; she's a dumb-as-rocks, lent for brains broad."

For the record, I like Inoue. She's kind of hilarious she's so stupid. Childish, I know, but Kurosaki's protective as shit over her. They've been friends for years. Figured he'd blow up, give me some sort of verbal reaction, but…

His scowl darkens though he's still silent.

"And that Rukia bitch. She's such a self-righteous asshat with too little tits and a little person complex."

Point, aim, fire.

Random and petty as fuck, I know. Rukia's kind of a cool bitch, don't get me wrong, but they used to date back in high school. Said he was in love with her. They're still close but I know he's over that now. Still, if anything's to hit home, it'd be her.

His hand forms a tight fist in his pocket and his lip curls, but other than that…

I sigh loudly and rake a hand through my hair.

"You're being a bitch, you know that?"

Not even a flinch.

I give up.

I give up. I mean, what else can I do?

Yeah, most of what I said was some shit that most people wouldn't want to hear or entertain; the insults, the jabs at his friends. But I brought up the weather. If we can't goddamn talk about the weather and start civilized conversation about fucking weather, then what else is there? Normally me bad-mouthing his friends or insulting him is enough to at least get a damn death glare but… he doesn't even look at me.

"So it's like that, huh?"

I take a cigarette from my pack and stick it in my mouth, feeling more depressed than before, and disappointed. I thought… I thought we could at least talk. Actually, I knew we could. Maybe not about that, but about other shit, normal shit. Everyday shit. But apparently not. Apparently I've kind of fucked up, and worse than I'd thought I had. Hell, at the very least I figured we could put it behind us, forget about it, pretend that kiss never happened. But, it's… looking like that ain't an option

Kurosaki still says nothing. Still doesn't look at me.

I watch as he sighs just as loudly as I had and slides his weight down the wall till he's sitting with his knees drawn up.

I shrug, feigning nonchalance even though he's not looking at me. Maybe for myself, cause I… feel so goddamn down. And at fault, which don't fucking happen. I take out my lighter and prepare to light up in a building where I know I'm not even supposed to be doing this, cause I just need it so badly and right no-

"Grimm, don't smoke."

I almost drop the lighter and it burns at my fingertips as I fumble with it.

I look over to see Kurosaki slightly turned to me, still in the same position. He looks at me, almost looking embarrassed that he spoke so suddenly.

I don't smoke often. Hardly at all, really. But Kurosaki, ever since I picked up this 'nasty' habit in the eighth grade, he's made sure that I know about every trivial ass, slight ass consequence that could happen a hundred damn years down the road to my health.

I know about the cancer, the fact that cigarettes contain over four-thousand eight-hundred chemicals, sixty nine of which cause cancer. I know that they are the highest source of morbidity and premature mortality. Yeah they cause stained teeth, heart disease, heart murmurs, wrinkles, premature aging, shortness of breath, 'that goddamn gross as shit cough'. Shit like artherosclerosis and arteriosclerosis, which I don't have a clue of what they are.

Looking at him now, knees drawn up to his chest and forearms resting on said knees, his eyes tell me that even though I haven't lit up in front of him in over three years, that even after all this time he still worries over it, that same shit. Over me…

I can see almost a hundred and one different emotions swirling in his honey brown eyes, and because of the worry, because that one is so prominent, I feel my heart beat pick up a little more, I feel my spirits rise just a little bit.

I bite my lip and put out the cig against the wall.

He nods, I guess in appreciation, I don't know, but then drops his head to his arms, shoulders lifting in another heavy sigh.

"L-listen Grimm." he mumbles into his arms.

I get up without thinking, sitting on the floor with him cause I already know I'm not gonna be able to hear him.

He glances up quickly when he hears me move. I see alarm flash in his eyes and it still hurts to see him look at me like that. He relaxes a little and sighs again, turning to look straight ahead.

"Grimm. I - I'm sorry, alright?" He looks to me out of the corner of his eyes but I wait for him to finish, even though I know he has nothing to be sorry for.

"I know I've been, uh, not around or whatever. And I know you think I'm avoiding you and shit. I'm not. I'm-" He stops and runs a hand through his hair, knocking his hood back in the process, and glances towards me again, eyes staying on me this time.

"I- I'm avoiding what happened."

I nod. Cause I understand. I understand what he means, even if he can't say it.

"I don't know if you meant to do that. If it was an accident, or something." he says, his words coming out very slowly, seemingly trying to figure it out himself, hand still raking through his hair. "But it-"

"I meant to."

He stops and looks at me, confused. "Huh?"

Deep breath. "I said I meant to. As in, kiss you."

His brows furrow just a little more and now he inhales sharply.

"Okay." he says, just as slowly. "Why?"

Deep breath. "Well, because I wanted to."

He nods to himself.

"Alright." Again, just as slow. "Why?

I feel a smirk come to my face before I can stop it. He's, well, he's cute, for lack of a better word. There really is no other word to describe him right now. I see him processing what I'm saying and I see him wanting to freak out over it, but he's not. He won't look at me now, but that's fine. I want to be as blunt and honest as I can be, which ain't a problem for me. I don't want to scare him, but I want him to know how I feel. I'm tired of hiding it. I'm tired of keeping it to myself. I want him to accept it, even if he can't reciprocate. I won't be that fucked up over it if he never reciprocates. I just want him to understand. To understand what it is to me. Cause, these feeling, they're not going anywhere.

I wait till he turns to look at me again to say it, what's been on my chest for the better part of seven years.

"I guess I kind of, uh, like you."

He's quiet, and confused. I can see it. "You know, in that way." I clarify.

It takes a second, but I think he's got it now. His eyebrows raise up in his hair and he opens his mouth, as if to speak, maybe refute what I just said. I can see him wanting to flip out, I can literally see the want, but I want so hard for him to be okay with it, with me, that it kind of shocks me.

I, I hadn't realized how strongly this- this shit had gotten. I hadn't realized how far I'd fallen until here, until right now.

I wait till I'm sure he's not finna spaz out on me, but I turn my head. I can't look at him. He's still staring at me like I am certified insane. It makes me uncomfortable. Puts this weird ass feeling of hurt, anger, depression, doubt and fear in the back of my chest

I purse my lips and scowl off to the side. It's hard to swallow.

"So, um, how do you feel about that?"

A/N: Thanks for the reviews, favs and alerts.