Disclaimer: Don't own Bleach

"W-wait a minute. What?"

He looks over to me finally, a blank expression on his face, and shrugs. He shifts and rifles around in his pocket, pulling out the pack of cigs again. I scowl, readying myself to smack the pack away from him if I have to, but he just sticks one in his mouth, unlit, and chews on the end.

"I said," Pause, clear throat. "How do you feel about that? Y'know, me liking you and shit."

"…." I clamp up

I don't know why this is so hard for me; why it's so difficult to grasp, but…

What is this?

My thought process is real slow right now and I feel hella retarded, but seriously… what?

I scratch my head and stare at him. He stares back, looking like he's about to go on the defensive. The sky-blue eyes that were guarded and weary not three minutes ago narrow in annoyance. But had I noticed before, how they flash so brightly when he's ticked off?

He's patient (for the most part) as I try to wrap my head around this, what he's saying; take it back to what happened in that playground under the monkey bars, and what that moment meant.

Honestly, I don't know how to feel.

Weirded out?

Curious and confused?

Disgusted?

None of that is what it is.

I mean, I am kinda weirded out. Not as much as you'd think I'd be, though. And I am curious as to where this came from, this whole confession. Confused too. But that's towards the middle of my list of feelings. These things, and disgust; they hardly register.

Really.

There's this thing bubbling up in my chest. This palpable thing. This feeling; a kind of tangible something building up. Something that I really don't know what it is. Don't even think I want to know, but I…

It's - I… I...

Shit.

I run a hand through my hair and drop it.

"So-"

My voice is croaky and shaky. I try again.

"So, you… like me. As in, like me. Like, boy and girl like?"

I sound like an idiot.

He leans back into the wall, head back, and looks over to me out of his peripheral, a kind of sneer crossing his mouth as he pulls the cigarette from it.

"I'm no girl Kurosaki. And as much as you act like one, neither are you." He pauses, clearing his throat again and glancing away from me. "They… ain't my taste."

As this insanely and horribly awkward conversation persist, a conversation more awkward and uncomfortable than any one I've ever had the displeasure of being part of, I just get more and more, well, shocked. Fucking flabbergasted, even.

I shake my head but can hardly clear it. I look over at him again. He just sits there staring off into something in front of him, long legs stretched directly forward and arms on either side. His face though; looking at the side of it, he looks just as uncomfortable as I feel, as I probably look, and suddenly, because of that, I get it. It must be something in his pose; something in the set of his jaw. Maybe it's something in his eyes, but, I fucking get it. He's for real.

"Holy shit. You're serious, aren't you?"

He's still facing forward, away from me with his head leaned back against the wall, but I can see that he smiles; relaxes more. He smiles, all strained and stiff, but a smile nonetheless; and even though I can't see it fully, though it's not even really directed at me, it makes my heartbeat pick up. Makes my skin flush with an almost concrete and touchable heat.

He turns to me now, still smiling, and for what, the third time now, it renders me a little breathless.

"Yeah, I'm serious. Serious as your obvious mental disability."

I stare at him blankly, too shaken to notice or even care that he challenged my mental state. And I've got to literally peel my eyes away from his face so that I can think. It takes me a minute so I stand, feeling like I need to be standing. I sigh and run a shaky hand through my hair. "Listen Grimmjow. I'm just - I'm not like that, alright?"

"Y'know, sometimes I don't know about that."

I stop. His response clams me up. The way he said it, he believes what he said. He sounded sure. I look down at his still seated form and can see that he is sure of it. My throat dries up and I don't know what to say. Everything that comes out of my mouth feels like a denial anyways.

"Listen. I don't give a fuck if you are or aren't." he says, getting up and standing with me, looking me dead on in the eyes and seemingly kind of embarrassed, something Grimm very rarely ever is. He grabs at the back of his neck and fidgets and that makes it even more real to me. That this is real. He clears his throat again, something I've noticed he's done so much today, and continues.

"I mean, we're - we're friends, yeah? And, well I truthfully… don't want that to end. But…" hand still planted on his neck, he glances down then up again, a smirk playing along the corners of his mouth with blue eyes just so intense. "But I think you should make doubly sure you aren't" Before I can fully grasp what the hell he just said and get any of the implications behind those words, he grabs my face and smashes his lips to mine.

For the second time in the span of a week and a half Grimmjow has surprised the movement right out of me. I literally freeze up and stand stock still in the middle of his embrace. My thought process halts. I can't move, can hardly breathe. I'm… fucking speechless. Incredulous, that he just… did this again, and when I just told him I'm not like that! That he just totally disregarded everything I just said. It is Grimmjow though, and I really shouldn't be so damn surprised with anything he does, but… but shit it pisses me off. That he never goddamn listens!

I'm seriously fucking about to start fuming. I raise my arms to shove him in the shoulders as hard as I can and give him the beating of a life time, to literally beat it in to him that I do not want this, never wanted this, will never want this, cause I'm goddamn not fucking like that, but I stop short. My blazing eyes focus just as my hands rest on his shoulders to push, focus on the face that is practically plastered to mine, and… and it's weird you know, cause like that, just like that, I can't do it.

I can't do it. And not more than four seconds ago I was ready to pound him into the ground and force him to leave me the fuck alone, to shut up about this, to just stop, but I can't do it now. I can't push him, can't punch him; I don't even think I want to anymore. Looking at his face pressed so close to mine, just the half that I can see; it surprises me how just looking at him, just that alone was enough to cause me to… stop.

As riled as I was no more than eight seconds ago, I… I just…. I dunno. Looking at him did something to me. It must have. My eyes un-narrow and my anger all but fizzes away. And in the next instant, I realize I can't stop looking at him.

Grimmjow's eyes are closed and his brows are ever so slightly furrowed as his lips are still pressed and moving firmly against my unmoving ones; he emits concentration. It makes me flush and has my heart pounding, that look on his face. The fact that he's concentrating so hard on me, this. His hands still rest on either side of my face; it sends jolts throughout my body.

He doesn't pull the dominance thing that so many people try upon contact. The kiss isn't forceful. It's not commanding or, or oppressive; not at all. It's contradicting to the major parts of what makes Grimm Grimm. I know he's not always overbearing, loud, rough and coarse. I've seen the other shit there is to him, the softer more sensitive side. Even if it's like once in a blue fucking moon that I do see. But it's there, and surprisingly it's here, in this kiss. The soft yet still firm and steady, slow and seriously weirdly gentle and sweet kiss. My breath hitches from it. And I can't help the fact that I melt a little.

Slowly, uncertainly, and I really don't know why, but my hand on his shoulder, meant to push him away, lifts and slides up to the side of his neck. He flinches and shudders slightly, like he expected me to hit him, and considering my reaction to this, his kiss, last time, he probably did. I paused at his jump but his skin is so warm underneath my hand, almost feverish. I slip my hand up a little higher, thumb brushing at his earlobe and index finger ghosting along the fine hairs on the back of his neck. He shudders again and stills beneath my touch and I freeze too, wondering why I did that, why I touched him, if maybe I shouldn't have cause he's so still now. And in the back of my mind, I wonder when it was that I started to not want him to be still. I wonder if he'll start again, start kissing me as slow, careful and steady as he'd been doing. My heart is loud in my ears and climbing up my throat and we're both so unmoving that I wish he would start again, so that maybe I can breathe, and get a taste of him this time. Cause I- cause I know now that I would probably kiss him back. Would definitely kiss him back.

I don't know what has changed from the moment he touched me and the twenty-two seconds his lips have been pressed to mine. I don't know what it is, but I… I guess I don't give a damn anymore. Cause I can't fucking fight it. His lips on mine turn my legs to jelly. Lights my skin on fire. Steals the air from my lungs and turns my insides to mush. So really, how can I disregard shit like that? How can I ignore signs like those? The way my body reacts, it means something. It's got to. And what my brain is telling me, what my heart is saying (has been saying)… though I never fucking wanted to hear it or acknowledge it, it's just too loud now. I can't fight it. Not anymore.

So acting out on impulse, just as I could feel Grimmjow's stiff form about to pull away, I grip his shoulder tighter. And the hand cupping the back of his neck pulls forward, forcing his parting lips more firmly to mine.

He's still stiff, unmoving and unyielding, but I feel better now. I feel good; I feel great. Allowing this to happen, just letting go, have it take us where it will; I just can't believe how fucking good it feels. Even if I subconsciously know I'll freak out over this later, even if I know I'll have second thoughts about what I allowed to happen - what I did, here, in this stairwell - I can't take back the fact that I want this. And if I'm totally honest with myself, I've wanted him to kiss me ever since that day under the monkey bars where I first felt his lips.

My lips mold with his almost hungrily, boldly, just desperate to feel his mold back. Cause ever since I made the second move, ever since I kissed him, he's been so fucking still. And I don't understand.

"C'mon" I murmur against his lips.

"I want this now." I say.

Cause I'm not "not like that". I am "like that".

And just as I was about to take his bottom lip in between mine and tug, to get some sort of response out of him, he grips my upper arms and gives a little shove.

My eyes fly open as I stumble back into the stair railing. I scowl, about ready to shove him back when I look at his face.

His eyes, they're unfathomable. And his mouth; pulled into a tight and bitter kind of smile sort of sneer.

I swear to god I'm more confused now than I was at the beginning of this whole fucking talk. His attitude, the 180 it took. I don't get it. I. Do not. Understa-

"You don't have to pretend Kurosaki. You make me feel pathetic."

To say the least, I'm taken aback. "Huh? What are you on? Pretend about what?"

"You know what." he says, and so tiredly too. He takes another step back from me and runs a hand through his incredibly blue hair.

"Not a week ago you punched me out for what I did today." he says, voice still kind of weary but getting louder.

"Not just an hour ago you were still tryna run from me." Little louder still.

"And not ten fucking minutes ago you said, and I quote, 'I'm not like that'." His air quotes are almost vicious and he's practically yelling now. I take a step back.

"What gives Kurosaki?" he asks, looking at me with almost sad eyes but with a contradictingly angry voice. "You pitying me? Poor Grimmjow with the fucked up feelings." he says, voice mocking and scathing. "I know it's gross and unnatural, but maybe I'll pretend just this once for him. Pretend that I'm not so disgusted by this, cause, well, Grimmjow is my best friend, so maybe I could do that for him. Maybe I'll pretend and let-"

"Shut up Grimm. That's stupid and you know I wouldn't do that." I interrupt, stopping myself from blurting out that what he said is not even true, that I think I am "like that", most likely am "like that"…

And I don't want to hear anymore of what he's saying, either. Cause oddly enough, hearing him talk like that, it kind of hurts me. Makes my throat tighten up unexpectedly. I don't like that he'd thought I'd do that to him. That I'd be disgusted, pitying and petty.

He doesn't shut up though. He doesn't stop and how he's looking at me makes me feel more and more like shit.

"Fuck you, Kurosaki. I won't shut up! I want to know why you said 'now'!" he yells, eyes bright and almost wild.

I don't know what to say. I feel like I have never known what to say concerning this. He looks like he wants to keep yelling at me, about this, but he stops himself and takes a deep breath.

I wait for him, and still don't speak. Still too unsure of what to say and worried I'll say the wrong thing, again. So… I wait. Still feeling like an ass, still feeling like shit.

It's another minute before he says anything.

"You said, 'I want this now'," He's calmer, quieter. "Why now?" He looks off to the side, won't meet my eyes. "What's different? What's changed?"

What he just said, it makes me understand. I get it now, why he shoved me away from him and why he looked so… strange after our lips parted. And though I know he's trying, trying really hard to hide it, he looks vulnerable. Like really. I've never seen him look like this.

I sigh and grip my head in my hands. Something in me tells me its now or never. Like, if I don't say what I know I have to say, I may never end up doing. And that if I don't say it now, I may end up loosing the best friend I've ever had. So with my heart in my throat and it pounding away like crazy, I try and formulate the words I know he should hear.

"Grimm, it's - it's not just 'now', okay?" I say in a soft voice.

"It's actually…" I turn and pace a bit, not looking at him as I talk. "It's been a while. I can't tell you how long and I can't pinpoint it to any specific time… but, it's hard, alright?" I run an anxious hand through my hair and pace a bit more quickly, nervous for what I'm about to say.

"It's hard." I repeat. "It's downright fucking difficult to admit you could possibly like a guy, when you're a guy!" I almost choke on the words but I feel like now that I've started, I can't stop. "And… and honestly, I never considered it 'like'. I never put words like like or attracted together with… with you." I stutter and blush, never once looking over at him. "I didn't because, well, you're my best friend. We're close and I thought maybe it was normal; normal to feel whatever it is I feel when I'm… with you. Y'know, seeing as how close you and me are. I thought - I thought it was okay. And then I thought that if I didn't think too much on it, those thoughts or feelings, that it'd be fine. Maybe they'd go away, I thought. It's just, they didn't. They don't."

I continue to pace. My legs can't seem to keep still.

"But - just - fuck. I'm sorry, alright? I'm sorry you felt like I was bullshitting you, pitying you and shit. I hate that you felt like that, even for the few minutes that you did. It's just - I know this is cowardly… but knowing that you feel the way you feel, I guess it made me realize how I actually feel." I glance up into blue eyes so intent and blazing and get the courage to almost say it.

"It made me realize that maybe I don't have to keep kidding myself. Cause, with you, I guess maybe I am 'like that'."

I bite my lip and look away again. I can't look at him. He's so silent that I'm afraid to look over at him. And his silence, it gives me this irresistible urge to keep talking. Just anything so that the silence isn't so ear grating. Anything so that his lack of response isn't so deafening…

"I - what I'm trying to say is…. the way you say you feel about me, it's… how I feel about you, too."

I like you.

I don't know why it's so hard for me to say it. I don't know why it is that he could but I can't. But it's true. Holy shit, it's true. Even if I can't full-on say the damn words out loud, what I just said doesn't make it any less real.

The butterflies I feel in my stomach seriously feel like they're gonna erupt from my throat, but I steel myself and finally allow my eyes to rest on him.

The way his eyes bore into me makes the swarming in my stomach worse. They're so blue, so deep, so affecting, yet I can hardly tell with what. He looks surprised, but only slightly. Not as much as I should think he would be. I can only tell by the slight lift to his brows and the barely noticeable quirk to his lips. But it's so odd how unreadable he is. How quiet he is. How un-Grimmjow like he's being.

Shit I wish I knew what he's thinking.

The way he's so fixedly looking at me, it makes me feel all mixed up. Annoyed, apprehensive and nervous, sick; almost hot and bothered.

I can't take it.

I open my mouth to say something, anything, when his expression finally cracks. And into something so… different from before. So different, but he looks happy. His face breaks out into a small smile, and he looks almost embarrassed. He glances down to his feet then back up again, and I can actually feel the wings of those butterflies on the back of my tongue. That almost shy and at the same time, embarrassed smile; the tinged cheeks; how utterly fucking different he looks from any other time he's ever looked at me. So different that I actually have to tell myself to breathe… again.

"No bullshit, Kurosaki?" he asks while I try to get the air back from that look that literally knocked it from my lungs.

Breathe.

I know what he's asking, and what I said is what I meant. I feel damned embarrassed too, but I smile back. I can't help it.

"No. No bullshit, Grimm."

What I told Kurosaki was bullshit.

I know why I tried to kiss him just now.

He'd asked me why I'd wanted to kiss him again after a while, when it was clear from what I said before that I thought he didn't feel the same as me. That he… didn't like me the way I do him.

He was right, of course. His reactions to what I'd been saying, to my confession; I was fairly fucking sure he didn't feel the way I did. But for some reason those words were spilling from my mouth; those somewhat arrogant words.

"But I think you should make doubly sure you aren't"

Honestly, I just wanted to feel his lips one more time. Simple as that.

Even though I told him I wasn't convinced he wasn't "like that"; when I said "Sometimes I'm not so sure about that", I was about eighty-seven percent sure I was wrong. The way I acted, like I was sure of everything I was saying, it was all bravado. I wasn't sure of shit. I just thought if I acted like that, that maybe I could play it off if it backfired. And the only thing I was sure of was that it was going to backfire; me talking like that, me saying shit like that, me kissing him again…

My chest physically hurt from the way he reacted to me saying I like him. The way he was acting, how he was so disbelieving. And I thought for sure he was disgusted with me, with everything I'd said and done. I just thought he was good at hiding it. That maybe he didn't want to hurt my feelings. Kurosaki's always been a sensitive little prick. But then it was weird. Something in me was like 'fuck it', and I kissed him again.

So I know why I wanted to do it. What I don't know is why I did it.

I don't know why I did what I did. Why I kissed him again, even after he blatantly told me he's "not like that". I don't know why I did it, I honestly don't. It was stupid. Seriously fucking stupid. I could have really blew it. Could have ruined any chance I had of getting our friendship back to where it was.

Really, I'm a goddamn idiot.

I stuff my hands deeper in my pockets, suppressing a shiver. It's cold out here. The rain is beating down hard and the wind is actually fucking howling.

We just left out of the math hall and into a damn storm. Kurosaki said he was hungry and wanted to catch the caf while it was still open. Then I remembered that I was fucking starving, too, bout an hour ago, before all this emotional drama and shit.

I look over to Kurosaki on my right and catch his eye, and I wonder how long he's been looking at me. His hair is plastered to his forehead and the water from it slides down his face; drips from the tip of his red nose. His amber brown eyes are so bright as his face breaks out in a wide smile. A happy smile. So just fucking… beautiful that I almost stop dead in my tracks. I have to literally tell myself to keep walking.

But I grin back at him like an idiot. Some sappy, lovesick idiot. And maybe I am? So what if I am?

I throw a playful arm over his shoulders and neck, pulling him in close in a brief head-lock. He curses me and shoves me a little, but not enough for my arm to slip from around him entirely. After another second or two his own arm comes up and rests along the back of my neck and shoulders, too. The way mine is on him. And from that, that insignificant and innocent touch, my heart skips a beat. I have to tell myself to breathe.

I still think it was stupid, me kissing him.

But -I glance to Kurosaki and see his flushed cheeks in my peripheral- I'm glad I'm a fucking idiot sometimes.

A/N: Well, this is where I originally ended this story when I first posted it. The ending still feels right to me. But since re-posting each chapter I've got a hankering (heh) to continue. There really may not be a whole lot of a plot, but I want to delve deeper into their budding relationship, I guess, in future chapters.

Anyways, thanks for the thoughts, favs and alerts!