Comfort and Joy

CJ/Danny

Rating Adult –

Spoilers through end of series

Not mine, never were, never will be, but they consume my soul

Feedback and criticism always welcomed

Friday December 18, 2015; Santa Monica, CA; 9:45 PM PST

Danny lay in bed, listening to the slow, steady breathing of the woman whose head was on his chest, whose left leg was draped over his left thigh, and whose shoulders were surrounded by his left arm. He shifted his right leg, allowing his left one to bend slightly as he turned to kiss the top of the light brown (this week) hair spread out over his clavicle. Danny reached over to smooth CJ's hair, and then reached down to trace the track of dried tears that still remained on her face.

Paddy had avoided the flu bug that was going around St. Monica's and which had caused the school to close for Christmas break two days early; however, Maggie was not so lucky, and with the other kids on the block, the ones in public school, still in classes, the boy was bouncing off the walls with unexpended energy, and driving CJ crazy in the process.

So, about 9:00 AM, Danny had volunteered to take the kids for most of the day. The plan was for CJ to spend the time wrapping the pile of gifts hidden in the guest room.

The three of them hit the mall and its Santa Claus line, followed by lunch near the USC campus after he checked in with the department secretary. After lunch, Danny took the kids up to the zoo for a few hours; on the way back home, they drove through Beverly Hills to see the decorated Christmas windows in the stores. Danny told them about visiting New York and seeing all the fancy displays in that city. When pressed, he said that maybe, stressing the maybe, in a year or two they could go back East to visit with Uncle Toby and Aunt Andy at Thanksgiving and see the Macy's parade in person and then look at all the windows. Then, in typical childlike fashion and their sugar high from the cotton candy at the zoo having worn off, Paddy and Caitlin crashed into naps while Danny dealt with rush hour traffic back to Santa Monica.

Returning home, the kids were once again bubbly, but Danny noticed that CJ seemed a bit introspective. She was smiling and responsive as she knelt to hug the two little ones, and she listened avidly to the recitation of adventures as the four of them ate tuna, macaroni, and cheese casserole for supper. But Danny knew that something wasn't right. For one thing, CJ said nothing, not even giving him a look, when Paddy recited the menu for the day (bacon cheeseburgers, fries, and milkshakes at the restaurant, ice cream, funnel cakes, and the afore-mentioned cotton candy at the zoo), and there was no real effort to push the green beans – the only real vegetable presented to the kids all day – at the meal. For another, there was the tell-tale redness in her eyes.

After supper, they were happily interrupted by a call from Randy and Gina, announcing the arrival of another grandchild, and then it was time to get the kids to bed. Finally, after locking up the house, Danny had CJ to himself.

As he walked into the bedroom, he began to ask the question that had been on his mind for several hours, but stopped when he saw her sitting on the bed. Next to her was the box that held the mementos of their twins and in her lap was the picture of the two of them in the christening outfits Abbey Bartlet had bought for the little infants. Someone unfamiliar with the situation, looking at the photo, would assume that the twins were sleeping.

"Jeannie?" Danny sat beside her, slipping an arm around her shoulders.

"I ran out of C batteries for the toys and went to get some. When I came home, there were these two little boys, identical twins, about a year older than Paddy, walking from the door, pulling a red wagon. They were collecting canned goods for the Food Pantry. Danny, they were so sweet. The one on the right told me very earnestly that of course they would take my money, but they really wanted the food – 'even just one can of soup, Ma'am, we want to fill the wagon before we reach the end of the street'. God, Danny, they were so cute," by this time she was crying again, "and it just hit me that we could have had four, instead of two and now, it's been seven years and I miss them so much."

He held CJ as she surrendered to the tears, stroking her back, kissing the top of her head. Then the kisses moved to her face and soon they were engaged in one of the many aspects of married sex – sex for solace. He had made love to her this way when her father died. She had made love to him this way when Brianna died. It was a form of intercourse where your own satisfaction was unimportant. It was a way of saying with your body and your attention to the other's body, more emphatically than any words could ever connote, that you understood what the other was feeling, what the other needed.

Afterward, in post-coital affection, was not the time to tell her that had the boys lived, he certainly would not have impregnated her again within a few months, that Paddy and Caitlin might not be in their lives. So he murmured nonsense words and held her until she had drifted off to sleep.

Truth be told, he had himself, over the years, thought about the twins, prayed for them (although his faith told him that their sinless little souls were certainly in heaven in God, their grandparents, and Pistol), and wondered how his and CJ's lives would have been different had the boys lived, but the heartache of seven years ago had been assuaged by the joy of first Paddy and then Caitlin. CJ and he did go out to the cemetery several times a year with flowers, but he couldn't remember her crying for them since Paddy was born.

Danny wondered if it had something to do with her hormonal fluctuations. Over the past few months, CJ had begun to show "the signs", mostly hot flashes, some uncharacteristic moodiness, and uncertainty in making decisions, and the frequent changes in hair color; the tests that Scott Winkler ordered confirmed that there was no longer anything "peri" about her journey to menopause. Ever helpful, Scott called Danny and scheduled a meeting to discuss "what every husband needs to know". ("Not that I expect you to pull an Archie Bunker and tell her she has thirty seconds to go through the change," the ob-gyn laughed.) Even before the appointment, Danny had googled everything the subject and was trying very hard (maybe too hard, he laughed to himself), to be the understanding spouse. When CJ wondered about sprouting facial hair, Danny joked that he would be more than willing to share his razor. Upon finding out were she to gain weight, it would more likely settle on her stomach than her hips, he said that she could pass it off as a pregnancy and get seated ahead of time when she flew for the foundation. If CJ snapped at the kids, well, he enjoyed being the "good cop". And when she worried about vaginal dryness, Danny smiled and said he knew how to handle that.

Anyway, it seemed that once CJ knew what was going on, the emotional symptoms disappeared and, until today, it was only the hot flashes that seemed to plague her.

Danny yawned as CJ nestled further into his underarm and adjusted her leg. He reached down to pull the covers up to their shoulders and drifted into sleep, comforted by the comfort he was providing.

Saturday, December 19, 2015; 3:45 PM

"I don't know who is having a better time, the kids or your husband."

CJ turned to Father Eduardo, who had been assigned to St. Monica's in July after Fr. Niko had returned to Italy.

"Oh, there's no doubt. It's Danny. He loves doing it."

CJ smiled to herself remembering not only previous years when Danny dressed up in the red suit, the wig, and the full facial beard in order to give out gifts to the parish children but also that Christmas in the White House right after the president's re-election.

"How do you keep your children from spilling the beans?" the priest asked.

"This is the first Christmas that Paddy has asked the tough questions," CJ replied. "He still believes, unless he's a better liar than his father or I am. Of course, we've always told him that the Santa's we see here or at other locations are stand-ins for the real Santa; this year, Danny told Paddy that he was big enough to know that his daddy stood in for Santa here at church and that we were counting on him to not tell the others, especially Caitlin."

"And she doesn't recognize her father?"

"Not yet. But then, Danny is very good with disguising his voice and mannerisms," CJ replied. "He even fooled me once, until he kis- Of course, that was five years before we became a couple, before we married."

"Miss CJ! Father Wardo! We're out of cookies!"

The priest turned to the little boy who had interrupted them. "Then I'll go get some more, Ethan."

"Actually," CJ said, putting a hand on the man's arm to restrain him, "it's getting close to time for Mass. We need to wrap up the party. Are you presiding tonight?"

"No, Luke is. He's also hearing Confessions, such as that is anymore."

CJ hoped she hadn't blushed. It had been quite a while since she had availed herself of that particular sacrament, maybe two years. Apparently, she wasn't the only one. It was a far cry from her childhood. True, her generation wasn't brought up to go every week, like Jed and Abbey Bartlet were, but definitely at Christmas and Easter, as well as "when necessary".

CJ looked over again to the "Santa" area. Danny was just putting the last little girl back on her feet, clutching the stuffed teddy bear that the parish had bought for all the toddlers. A couple of teens from the Youth Group were leading the younger children in Christmas carols, and CJ could see Paddy on the floor, a recovering Maggie Muñoz to his left and Caitlin to his right, lustily joining in on the "fa-la-la"s. One of the other mothers came up to her with a large trash bag and CJ started to pick up napkins, ice cream wrappers, and empty paper cups (leaving the half-full ones to the woman with the big bucket.)

She had just tied off the bag and put it in the big rubber trash can when two arms encircled her waist from behind and a bearded chin connected with her shoulder.

"It was a nice party," Danny said. "I think everyone had fun."

"I'm sure you did when Gaye Beck crawled onto your lap," CJ said, remembering the young single mother in the short skirt and tight sweater. "What did she want from Santa?"

"Nothing I wanted to give her," Danny replied, moving his body as close to her as he dared, given the place and his own feelings for his wife. "I told her to pray to St. Joseph for a good husband of her own."

"Daddy!" Caitlin ran up to them. "I miss you! You no see Santa? See bear!"

"That's a nice one!" Danny exclaimed as he knelt down to pick up his daughter. "Did you thank Santa for your present?"

"Yes. Paddy, show ball."

Danny winked at his son as Paddy played along, showing his father the soccer ball that Danny had given him about forty minutes ago, after ascertaining that Paddy had indeed been a good boy.

"I think there's just enough time to take the presents to the car before Mass," CJ said. "Why don't I do that while you guys hit the bathroom and I'll meet you in church?"

As they were leaving the church after the liturgy, Danny whispered something into CJ's ear and, at her assenting nod, told the kids that they would be going out for supper.

"Dairy Queen!" Caitlin exclaimed.

"Tacos!" This from Paddy.

Reminding the boy that they would be going to Uncle Frank and Aunt Diana's house for posada the next day, Danny suggested pizza.

"Diary Queen!" Caitlin insisted again.

Danny looked over at CJ.

"We can get them the applesauce, I can get the grilled chicken salad, and, to tell the truth, a dipped cone sounds kind of good," CJ told her husband.

And so the family bundled into the car and made their way to the fast food place. Thirty minutes later, Danny was eating the chili that had been scraped from the chili dog that Caitlin insisted on ordering (because Paddy wanted one) even though she had never liked them.

All in all, it had been a good day. In the morning, he and CJ had parked the kids with Hank and Steve. After a trip to the florist and to a dollar discount store, where they bought an artificial wreath, some plastic cars, some crayons, and some mini-footballs, the two of them went to the cemetery to visit the grave of the twins. Tears were shed, but there was also laughter as Danny imagined a household where Caitlin, as the only girl, was alternately teased and treasured by her three big brothers. Before heading for home, the couple stopped for lunch at a little French restaurant where they could enjoy a glass of wine, the house special, some adult conversation, and some romantic flirting.

By the time CJ and Danny returned home, it was time to get ready for the Christmas party at church.

With Mass out of the way (and Danny could hear his seventh grade nun scolding him for thinking of it that way), the four of them would be able to have a leisurely morning on Sunday before heading over to Frank and Diana's for the posada. He decided that he would make pancakes for everyone. If he remembered correctly, they had some blueberries in the freezer and chocolate chips in the cupboard. It wouldn't be IHOP but it would be fun.

Danny smiled as CJ came back to the table with dessert – a Peanut Buster Parfait for Paddy, her own dipped cone, and the banana split that Caitlin wanted and that Danny would end up finishing. ("She's only three and she knows how to get whatever she wants from you, Danny. You need to develop some resistance before she gets to be a teen and wants to stay out all night, pierce her tongue, or wear a thong bikini.")

Danny noticed that CJ was staring off into space, the soft-serve starting to sink toward the sides of her cone.

"Penny for your thoughts, Jeannie."

"Just remembering all the fancy-shmancy meals at the White House, the elaborate desserts – and how happy I am now with all this. Just thinking that once I stopped belie-, you know, I haven't really known true Christmas joy until you and the kids."

She reached across the table and grabbed his hand; he remembered the night he reached for her hand after awkwardly hinting at the idea of the two of them sharing this kind of life, right before all hell broke loose because of San Andreo.

Danny didn't want the day to end, so after supper, he drove around so the four of them could look at more holiday lights – down to Palos Verdes and back up on the side streets. It brought back memories from his own childhood, sitting in the back seat with Erin, warm and safe, staring at the lights reflected in the Michigan snow.

"Thank you," he whispered, knowing that God would hear him.

Tuesday, December 22, 2015; Woodland Hills, CA

"Yes, Paddy, Mama and I are okay. We got here safely. Yes, I saw Maggie and gave her a hug for you. Now you be good for Audra and take care of your sister. Remember, you're the man of the house until Mama and I get back. Love you, son."

Danny smiled at Frank Muñoz as he closed his cell.

"Paddy wanted to know that CJ and I got here safely," Danny explained. "I'm afraid that he is taking your in-laws' tragic accident very hard. He's so afraid that the same thing will happen to CJ and me. Last night, when he said he didn't want us to come up here but he would be brave and that if anything did happen to us, he would, and I quote, 'quit school and take care of Caitlin the way Mr. Charlie did for Miss Deena', I didn't know whether to laugh or to cry. He also wanted to be here for Maggie, but we didn't think we should bring him."

Things can turn in just an instant, Danny reflected. Sunday, he, CJ, and the kids had a wonderful afternoon at Frank and Diana's place, enjoying the beauty of the posada songs and theatricals, and then the party afterward. At the end of the afternoon, when Diana's parents came over to say good-bye and to wish them a Merry Christmas before leaving, he returned the wishes and thanked them, especially for the most excellent tamales that Diana's mom had made. Then two hours later came the horrible call from Jesse that his aunt's parents' car had been hit by a semi on the Ventura Freeway, only five miles from their home. Apparently, the driver of the truck had suffered a massive coronary. In addition to Alonzo and Paloma, there were four other fatalities, including the driver of the rig. CJ, Aviva, and Jessica had gone over to Frank and Diana's to finish the cleanup and to sit with the kids until Frank came home that night. Jesse had insisted that he could do it, but with Nancy overdue, the women said that Jesse belonged home with his very pregnant wife.

Today, everyone was gathered for the wake and would be back tomorrow for the funeral Mass. Diana and her siblings wanted to bury their parents before Christmas; they knew that Paloma and Alonzo would not have wanted grief to interfere with their grandchildren's' holiday.

"I know that Maggie would have taken comfort in Paddy's presence," Frank told Danny as he handed him a glass of scotch. "But she has her cousins, and there is no need to subject Paddy to this any sooner than necessary."

"How is Diana managing? I haven't seen her yet."

"She puts on a brave face for the kids, for her family. She single-handedly organized the food and drink. Of course, everyone has been so helpful, so generous. And thank you again for the fruit bouquets. It was very thoughtful."

"All we did was pick them up from Edible Fruit," Danny said with a dismissive smile. "It was so sudden, even if CJ were the baking type, there really wasn't time. Frank, I think I heard a 'But' when you were talking about Diana."

"I'm just afraid of when she finally lets go, when it really hits her. She was so close to both of them."

"You just have to be there for her. I know it sounds trite, that everyone says it, but that's what you need to do. Just hold her, comfort her, respond to her. When CJ's father died, it was different because he had been in severe dementia for so long. In that case, I had to make sure that she didn't feel guilty for not being able to get him out of that facility in Dayton and here with us in time, for not being there at the end. I had to tell her that at least we were spared the inconvenience of getting his body back to Ohio afterward. I had reassure her that she wasn't a terrible daughter, that she wasn't a terrible person for maybe feeling some sense of relief that the ordeal was over, both for Tal and for her. Your situation is more like when Leo McGarry died, so suddenly, on the verge of victory, on the verge of a joyous time. You have to let her know that in spite of the fact that something so tragic can happen without warning, that she is not alone, that she must keep remembering that life is good, that she still has you, she still has her children, she still has her friends. And you need to remember that this affects you, too, and that your friends are here for you when you need to grieve."

"Thank you, Danny, for your advice as well as your support. You are a good friend and I appreciate all that you do for me," Frank replied, giving Danny a one-armed hug.

Danny returned the casual embrace.

"Frank, I'm just glad that I can help you after all the help you have given me. CJ and I moved into the neighborhood as superannuated newlyweds, with lots of experience in our professions and careers but total novices in what we were about to begin. Your help and example as a husband and a father have been invaluable to me, and I know that CJ would say the same thing about Diana. I'm sorry for the circumstances, but I am glad I am able to return the favor. And it goes without saying, but if you need us or anyone to do anything – get you a tree, wrap presents, hide presents?"

"I know, and if I think of anything, I'll let you know. This is my first experience with sorrow in a time of joy, and you have been such a comfort to me, Danny."

Christmas Day, 2015; 8:45 AM

"You like, Mama?"

CJ looked down at the elastic bead bracelet in the packet she had just opened. She slipped it on her wrist and smiled at her daughter.

"Yes, Caitlin, I like it very much," she said with a smile.

"Good!" Caitlin exclaimed and then turned back to playing with the new doll that Santa had left for her.

Danny took in the scene around him. Caitlin was still enthralled with her doll. Paddy was going from toy to toy, and if Danny didn't know better, he would have thought his son suffered from ADD. Destiny had abandoned her new ball for the pleasure of tearing up scraps of wrapping paper. Danny started to scold her, but decided that she deserved a little slack on Christmas as well.

Last night, the four of them had attended the children's service at St. Monica's. Paddy was a credible shepherd, although he didn't have a speaking part. Caitlin was part of the shepherds' flock, her red hair contrasting brightly with the white fleece of her costume. (Just a piece of fabric on her back with slits for her arms and tied at her waist.)

The kids' excitement was reaching a fever pitch, but somehow he and CJ had managed to get them into bed by 8:45 and by 9:30, the two little ones were sleeping soundly.

CJ opened a bottle of champagne while Danny brought in the tree from the garage. After decorating the evergreen, they brought out the presents for the kids from the guest room and also the presents they had bought each other, CJ's from the back of the hall closet and Danny's from one of the nooks in his den. The two of them made love by the holiday lights before retiring to their room.

Paddy and Caitlin woke them at 6:15 and by 6:20 the kids were madly ripping open the packages over which CJ had labored. ("I don't know why I bothered with the corners, why I bothering with the bows," she had whispered with a laugh.)

After the kids had finished, CJ and Danny opened their gifts, including the three each that had been labeled "from Santa", and now CJ was wondering if she should start breakfast.

"Maybe in a bit," Danny said, pulling her back against his chest. He wrapped his arms around her, gently cradling her breasts in his palms, the act meant to be comforting rather than arousing. He breathed in the scent of her hair, freshly washed last night for church but carrying the faint scent of her perfume in addition to those of her shampoo and rinse.

"Did you like your present?" CJ asked. (Tickets for the two of them to take an Alaskan "honeymoon the sequel" cruise with a kayaking trip along the coast.)

"It's wonderful," Danny said, kissing the side of her head. "But being here with you, having all this, is the best present of all." They would spend a quiet day with a simple turkey breast dinner. Tomorrow, the four of them would drive up to Napa for a long weekend at the winery. There would be more presents and a huge family dinner with Gina's extended family. When they returned home, the series of "Twelve Days of Christmas" parties in the neighborhood would be in full swing. (This year, he and CJ had the one on New Year's Day. Danny had already arranged to rent two other large screen TV's. There would be two sets in the family room for all the bowl games and one in the living room for the women who were footballed out to watch chick flicks. The smaller set in his den would be dedicated to video games and the one in their bedroom would be available all the Disney stuff for the kids.)

Fifteen minutes ago, the phone had rung. It was Diana, calling to let them know that Ramon Antonio Muñoz had been born at ten minutes after midnight, the perfect Christmas present for Jesse and Nancy. In an hour or so, CJ would call Bonnie and the two of them would start spreading the word to the other members of the Bartlet Bunch.

Quiet joy permeated his heart. He had known joy before – his Pulitzers, his wedding day, the days that his son and daughter were born. Days like this were to be cherished; soon enough there would be days of sorrow such as those experienced by Diana and her family earlier in the week, such as those he and CJ had faced when they lost the twins. But those days would be endured with the comfort of family and loved ones.

But for now, Danny would revel in the joy of his wife, his children, and friends.