Chapter Thirteen: Heaven on ice
It became oddly quiet in the room and I started to examine all of the stuffed animals that were placed around me. When my eyes landed on the birthday stuff, I sighed, knowing that Mr. Bunny's gift was probably somewhere among them.
"You really shouldn't say what you don't mean." Zero broke the silence.
"What are you talking about?"
He stared, his face becoming indifferent. "Never mind. It's none of my business."
"No, you brought it up, now talk."
"I spoke to your mother on the phone." A tiny, molecule-sized smile played on his lips as he changed topic. "They say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree."
"Why were you the one who spoke to her?" I cocked an eyebrow at him. "Isn't that the Headmaster's job? Or do prefects do that too?"
He shrugged. "Chairman Cross didn't seem to want to talk, so he gave me the phone."
"Apples don't fall far from the tree, eh? What do they say about the walnut then?" I asked, feeling myself calm down.
"Are you admitting to the fact that you're crazy?"
"And are you actually making a joke? Holy cow! I didn't think that was possible!"
"Or you could be inventing the idea that I'm joking, and that would mean that you are crazy."
"You're saying that in my little insane world, I fantasize about you? That's wrong. That's really wrong. That's worse than me and Mr. Bunny."
"You fantasize about him?" he quirked an eyebrow at me.
"Don't take my words and twist them."
"But do you?" he asked me with a mocking, serious tone of voice.
"Did you take some of my medicine? I'm the only one meant to be on morphine you emo brat."
I could have sworn I heard him chuckle, but that could have been the medication too. They should put me on meds more often.
"So…Mom's coming? How soon will she be here?"
"Faster than you think," he told me, about to walk out of my room.
"How fast?" I asked him impatiently. He didn't answer me as he closed the door behind him and I was left to my thoughts, devouring and overanalyzing all the information I was given.
Damn it.
Rain poured down from the clouds as if the higher powers in Heaven were upset with the Earth and attempted to wash away the corruption. The harsh wind forced the rain to pour in one direction, carrying away the chaotic mess of the world.
I watched Erica dance in the middle of a black polished road, absolutely drenched from the downpour but she was enjoying it anyway. She danced with no grace and no balance, only with a happy, grinning face while she tasted the sweetness of freedom. When she moved her sneakers left a trail of bubbles behind her, sprouting like small mushrooms.
Erica was the dancer, and whenever I watched her dance in the rain, it was like I was cleansing my soul too.
"Serena! Sing for me!" she shouted over the thundering voice of the violet hued clouds.
"Now?" I asked, wondering what were the chances of being electrocuted.
"Yea! Come on! Please!"
I smiled, thinking of a song her mother taught me and began humming it. I was no Whitney Houston or Mariah Carey, but I could carry a tune without making cars crash into each other.
We had many roles in our friendship.
She was the dreamer, broken from her parents' separation and she would only show her vulnerabilities by taking out her bitterness on me.
I was the rational one, the vent she needed to release her emotions and while it always hurt to be kicked and punched and thrown everywhere…we both knew I could handle it, as long she was okay.
In this case, while in the storm, our roles were simple. She was the drunken ballerina. I was the astounding singer. The storm was the stage and the world was our audience. It was only during thunderstorms or hurricanes that we forgot about our lives and acted our age.
We were innocent children that played in the rain.
"I can't hear you Serena! Sing! Not hum!" she demanded with a grin as she spun, arms swinging around her.
"This leaves the light against me.
Green moon you are my accomplice
Now that I have the courage to leave you
It's fog in the mouth of the Gods
I believe in universal love
I believe without eyes to see!
I believe the world goes on!
Listening from here on top of the sky
Silence now that we don't talk anymore
Passes the vision that I have
Of life, who has everything and who does not."
"Louder! The thunder is blocking you out!" she yelled, giggling.
I did as I was told, forcing my voice to become louder with every word.
"I believe in universal love
I believe without eyes to see
I believe the world moves on!
Injuries to the heart, rivers and ocean
Flowers of stone, fire of our souls!
I believe the world will be reborn!
I believe the world will move on!"
As I sang this song, I remembered the people who judged us for our actions, calling us delinquents. Couldn't they understand that we were hiding behind masks to hide our hurt?
I felt bitter all of the sudden. I wanted to scream at the people who judged us.
We weren't bitches. We weren't snobs. Our thoughts were random and childish sometimes, so they believed they could label us naïve. At times we scared off other people with our bad tempers, but we knew when to be silly and outrageously insane. We can also smile to hide our doubts and frustrations. We hide our tears when we feel like we've failed.
We despised being around other people because they were assholes. They competed for attention, sometimes backstabbing their supposedly best friends and did anything to fit in with their peers.
Erica and I weren't like that. We told each other that we would rather be by ourselves, lonely, than with bad company. Maybe that's why we unnerved people. We didn't care about attention. We didn't care about acceptance. Not as long as we had each other.
We also didn't understand their need to feel superior. After all, we all meet Death in the end.
We just wanted to live our lives to the best of our abilities. Why wasn't that good enough for anyone?
"You sing beautifully Serena," a childish voice whispered in my ear. The images of Erica disappeared into a swirling tornado and when everything stopped spinning, I found myself staring at the red haired boy.
"You know, you're really starting to freak me out," I mumbled to him. After seeing Erica's younger face, healthy and without the horror, I felt anger eat my heart.
"What do you want now? What was the purpose of seeing those memories?" I snapped at him.
She's gone. My best friend is gone.
Fucking hell.
I nervously chewed on my lip, biting hard enough to make it bleed because it was the only way I could stop myself from crying.
She shouldn't be gone. I should be the one gone.
"Because the world will be reborn."
I shot him a furious glare, tired of his mind games that got me nowhere. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
He smiled gently, ignoring my glare. "The world will be reborn."
"Yea, okay, whatever."
I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't fucking be here.
"Serena," he said softly, interrupting my thoughts. "Sing for them."
I angrily spun on him. "To who? Who are you talking about? Will you try to make some fucking sense for once!"
"For the ones lost in darkness. For the broken. Lead them home."
I threw my hands up in the air, more than a little frustrated with him. "Who do you take me for? Jesus?"
He never answered me. I woke up.
I didn't want to be awake. I didn't even want to be alive.
The pain was unbearable. My face ached from all the abuse it took, and my chest felt ready to explode with rampant fires any second now. I didn't bother trying to move my shoulder or my fingers, knowing if I did I would regret it.
Where the hell was my medicine?
I wanted to cry. I needed to cry. Out of pain. Out of loss. She shouldn't be the one in the grave.
I was going to fucking slaughter Kaede!
I sucked in a deep breath, trying to regulate my breathing but I couldn't. I was choking on saliva and on the tears that wanted to come out. I was being suffocated even though there was no body in the room but me. I couldn't breathe!
And why was it so fucking hot?
Vampires are real. They want me dead. My best friend is dead. Her whole fucking family is dead. Gone. They're all gone. And I don't even know where Jade is. I don't know if he's dead or if he's alive or if he's injured. Well no, he's obviously injured. I found his tattoo detached from his body.
And Aidou is pissed as hell at me. Has every right to be...God, I actually shot him. He's injured...injured...gave me his blood. What if he's actually dying too? Could vampires die of blood loss?
My fault. All my fault.
My skin was prickly with Goosebumps and yet I was burning! My body was moving on its own, as if trying to avoid a physical attack. I was thrashing about, cringing in pain because of the movement, causing some of the wounds to reopen and I began whimpering. I began to viciously bang my head against the wall next to me, hoping it would stop everything...all of my thoughts, my pain, my fear, my anxieties...but it only gave me a headache.
It was so hard to breathe.
Everything in front of me as a huge blur. All of the furniture, the balloons, the stuffed animals, the flowers. All of it was one big blob.
Freeing my hands from the wrapped up bondages that were meant to heal me, I brutally threw my fists onto the wall and kept pounding them until they were a bloody mess.
"Fontana!" A male voice boomed and it sounded alarmed. The sheer volume of his voice startled me and I crashed onto the floor.
My head collided with the cold floor and everything started to move in slow motion. It had been Zero who shouted and he was the one who attempted to lift me off the floor.
I say attempted because I attacked him. I didn't see him. I saw the maroon haired bastard and his malicious red, glowing eyes.
My bloodied fists struck his face, smearing my blood on his cheeks and I bit his left hand when he tried to wrap them around my shoulders. It wasn't like my brain was really functioning. I was physically in one place, but mentally everywhere.
My body, my instincts, told me to defend myself or die.
The maroon haired bastard reached out and grabbed a needle that was already filled with some strange liquid and he pierced my skin with it. I heard myself howl and I brutally kicked him in the stomach, feeling panic capture the rest of me, but then I felt something tugging me back to reality.
I was staring at the ceiling above my bed again and the maroon haired bastard slowly changed into someone with silver hair. The room stopped spinning, my body cooled down and I was finally able to breathe again.
"Damn it Fontana," Zero swore, though his voice sounded like buzzing to me.
No. I'm not going to cry. I don't want to cry.
I whimpered, my senses were going insane. I could smell my intoxicating vanilla-scented blood and it was making me dizzy, and I could taste the metallic in it. I could hear my heart pounding furiously in my ears and I was seeing blobs.
"Fontana," Zero mumbled quietly and I saw his hand awkwardly reach out to touch my hair but I threw myself backwards so he couldn't touch me.
I didn't want to be touched. I didn't want anyone near me.
"GO AWAY!" I screamed hysterically, grabbing whatever was close to me, which were only stuffed animals, and began tossing them at him. I think they placed only stuffed animals around me on purpose.
"Fontana, calm down," he ordered while dodging the flying stuffed zebra, but that made me scream even more.
Yagari Touga was suddenly in my vision. I really don't know when he got there. Or how for that matter.
"What happened? Why is she screaming?" he inquired, forcibly taking my hands and he held me down, which caused me to writhe and spit curses at him in English and Japanese.
Zero glowered at me. "She was having a panic attack."
The black haired man frowned. "Did you medicate her?"
Zero nodded but didn't say anything and they both watched me, waiting for me to calm down.
I stared at the two men. A part of me knew what they were saying, but the other half didn't comprehend anything at all.
"Is she awake?"
I suddenly went rigid, hearing voices outside my door.
It was Yuuki and Kiren. She told her to return to her room because I wasn't awake yet. I exhaled noisily, frustrated with myself since I couldn't move. I heard her sigh sadly and I whined loudly when I heard her footsteps become more faint.
I wanted to see her. I wanted to see someone I could trust. I needed her to put me at ease.
The fucking men need to leave.
"Are you going to be calm now Fontana-san?" Mr. Yagari questioned me gently, as to not provoke me.
I slowly bobbed my head up and down, suddenly feeling dazed.
"The medicine is working," Zero stated.
"I know." He released my arms.
I lied down, glued to the sticky sheets that absorbed my sweat and followed their movements with my eyes since I couldn't move anymore. Everything was sore.
I closed my eyes, counted to ten and prayed that I would never wake up again.
How long did I sleep?
My eyes opened slowly, wincing from the bright sunlight that touched the room and my ears picked up the voices that were murmuring outside of my bedroom door. I yawned, attempting to get rid of the fuzzy feeling in mouth. I feel like I haven't brushed my teeth in ages. I lifted my hands and found new, clean bandages on my hands and broken fingers.
Zero must have fixed me up while I was asleep.
"Serena!" Mom cried, tears spilling from her eyes as she barged into my room. "SERENA!"
"Mom, I'm right here and please don't yell." My voice was weak. It was like a witch had turned me into a frog and the only thing I could do was croak.
Mr. Bunny had been right about my senses being sensitive. Everything was so…bizarre. I could smell my mother's salty tears, smelled her scent of rain even before she entered the room.
"I'm so sorry," she cried, carefully grabbing my hand to avoid any further injuries. She examined my face, taking in all of my injuries and I saw her lower lip tremble. "I am so sorry."
"Why are you here?" I asked, thinking she was here to pull me out of the school and I wondered when was the best time to bombard her with questions about my family.
"What do you mean by that? Are you saying I wouldn't come to look for my own daughter? Your father called me and-"
"My father? My father called you?" I squeaked in surprise. She became instantly quiet and stared at the floor.
Be strong. Be brave. Show no weaknesses.
"You mean to say you've been keeping in touch with him this entire time?" I sat up quickly to glare at her, which was a bad idea since all the blood rushed to my head again and it made me dizzy.
"It's a long story, Serena," she frowned at me seriously.
"Oh my God!" I shouted angrily. "Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell me he was alive!"
"Because it was so much easier for me to hate him than to forgive him," she said quietly.
"Hate? You wanna talk about hate? Do you have any idea how much I could hate you right now?" I seethed.
"Serena, please…"
"Oh shut up! I want to talk to him. Now," I snarled and continued to be insolent with her when she didn't move. "Gawd damn it woman! Go fetch him!"
"She doesn't need to, Serena, I'm already here," a voice interrupted and my head snapped up to see Yagari Touga, who snuck into my room without me even realizing it.
He has a habit of doing that it seems…
"What are you doing here?" I snapped.
"Oh, I thought you were talking about me when you said go fetch him. I needed to see your wounds," he answered, ignoring my attitude. "Since you made a mess earlier."
"You've been treating her?" Mom smiled and thanked him in Japanese.
My eyes nearly popped out of my head. "You speak Japanese?"
"Where do you think you get your intelligence from? Your mother is a genius with languages. She wanted to be a interpreter for the UN when she was in school," Yagari smiled until he saw me shooting daggers at him with my eyes.
"Serena, calm down. He's not your father," Mom sighed.
"Oh… that explains the dirty looks she's been giving me. She's right though, I'm your Father's friend," he answered, though unsure now. He looked like he wanted to bolt out of the room.
"He's not my Father, whoever the hell you're referring to," I snapped. "Real fathers stay with their families."
"Could you leave us, Touga-kun? We have much to talk about," Mom smiled politely at him, folding her hands on top of her knees.
He nodded and without saying anything he left the room.
I glared at her. "Touga-kun? What are you two? Best friends?"
"We were when we were younger," she replied hastily. "It's ironic that you would choose the same country I chose a long time ago. I was an exchange student in Japan before…everything."
"So this is where you met your husband?" I inquired, refusing to use the term 'Dad' or 'Father'.
"Well not in this school obviously, but in this country," she answered, a genuine smile formed on her face.
"Go on, I'd love to hear this lovely fairy tale," I told her, not holding back on my sarcasm.
"Well it's not like he was Prince Charming," she chuckled, her eyes becoming distant as if she had mentally traveled back in time.
"He was clumsy, always laughing, and he did not know how to talk to the ladies. I suppose you could say he was socially awkward."
"You guys met in high school?"
"Yup. We were high school sweet hearts."
I sighed sarcastically. "Rats. I don't have popcorn for this."
"Serena, please try to be serious."
"Oh, I am."
"Anyway," she said, ignoring me, "we met in high school. He had to tutor me in Japanese…and…five years later we were married. We had a son before we had you."
"Hold on, wait, pause! You guys had a son? I have a brother? An older brother? Why haven't I heard of him? Why haven't I seen him? Is he living with-"
"He's dead, Serena," she interrupted me with a gloomy tone, "we were attacked by a group of vampires and one of them was a pureblood named Hajime Bokyo and he—"
"FUCKING HORSE SHIT! THEM AGAIN? FOR FUCKING CHRIST SAKE, I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM! I DIDN'T EVEN DO ANYTHING TO THEM!" I bellowed, nearly falling off the bed because I had staggered up to yell.
"I know darling but-"
"I DON'T GIVE A SHIT! WHERE DO THEY LIVE? I'LL FUCKING KILL THEM ALL MYSELF!" I got up on my feet and immediately met the floor.
Mom gasped and was instantly at my side. "Serena! Don't do that again! You're in no condition to move! Besides, I don't think you can. In fact, I know you can't. You're-"
"SHUT UP! YOU DON'T KNOW ME! I'LL KILL THEM!" I screamed frantically.
"Serena, I do know you, you're my daughter," she responded, frustrated as she placed me back onto the bed. "Calm down darling."
"CALM DOWN? YOU WANT ME TO CALM DOWN? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?" I shrieked, already trying to get out of bed again.
I was going to fucking kill them all. I will show no mercy to their women or children or infants or their fucking pets. They were just all going to die. No, I take that back. First I'm going to torture them and THEN I'm going to kill them. Fucking burn them and cut them and--
"IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP RIGHT NOW I WILL REMOVE YOUR TONGUE!" she screamed heatedly as she took out a pen knife out of her pocket, startling me out of my thoughts because never in my life has she ever threaten me with a knife.
I slumped into my bed, breathed through my nostrils and waited for her to continue. "Fine."
She sucked in a deep breath to soothe herself and forced herself to smile. It was a watery smile. "As I was saying…we were attacked…you were only an infant at the time and Damon—that was your brother's name--took you and hid you in the stables where we used to keep our horses and-"
"We had horses?" I asked, stunned.
"Yes," she glowered. "Stop interrupting me or we'll get nowhere."
I quickly grumbled an apology.
"You were well hidden, and your father…since he was a vampire hunter…was fighting them, but … there were too many of them. I believe the whole Bokyo clan was there. Hajime, the only pureblood in their clan because the rest of them married nobles or vampires of lesser ranks, bit your brother and me," she began to sniffle and it caused me to flinch. She was about to cry.
"We transformed. Not right then, but we became vampires. Level D to be more precise but your –"
"Level D? So far I've only heard of Level E," I said, risking the chance of having my tongue removed but I couldn't help it. Why go on with the story if I was confused at the beginning?
"Ah," she said, sniffling again. "I guess I have the honor to explain that. Well, vampires have ranks…levels…a Pureblood is at the top, being Level A and are the most rare and most powerful vampires. They alone have the ability to change a human into a vampire, but most refuse to do it."
I snorted. "Most? That's reassuring."
She narrowed her eyes at me, a signal to keep quiet.
"Level B are nobles, which most of the Night Class students attending here are and they-"
"HOLD UP! The Night Class students? All of them? Are vampires?" I felt like someone had punched my throat and the air was knocked back into my lungs in a painful way.
"You mean to say you didn't notice?"
"Not really! I mean Aidou said he was, but I didn't think all of them were—Erica had the idea though…God she was right!"
Mom sighed for the millionth time. "Yes, well, they're all here on a peace treaty that your father created and they are under the control of a pureblood named Kuran Kaname. Apparently they want humans and vampires to live together in harmony."
"Mr. High-and-Mighty? A pureblood?" My hand went to my sore throat, remembering the feeling of being bitten the first time. "Oh…fuck...a whole school of vampires…Christ…"
"You wanted to attend this school! I tried to persuade you! I thought you were here because of your father!" Mom yelled.
"What does he have to do with this?" I snarled.
"HE'S THE HEADMASTER!" she screamed and it got quiet real fast.
The headmaster…was my father?
Breathe, Serena, breathe. Remember that you need air to live.
"You didn't know, did you?" she asked quietly.
I shook my head, having no voice to use anymore. She sighed, running her hands through her hair and she leaned forward, strands of her red hair covered her face.
"As I was saying, Level B are nobles and they have special powers, and as for what kind of powers it really depends on the vampire. Level C are every day vampires and they make up the majority," she sighed again, "Level D vampires are vampires that were once human and they gradually become Level E vampires. Both humans and vampires hunt down Level E vampires because of the terror they create. Level E vampires…are insane…they are driven insane by their lack of control for their desire for blood, therefore they are killed before they kill people by draining them dry."
"And you're a Level D?" I inquired, sounding more like a weak squeaky toy. "Are you saying that you'll become a Level E?"
"Eventually. That's why Adam is with me. He's a vampire hunter and he's keeping watch."
"You mean he'll kill you once you morph," I snapped. This is worse than him being her lover.
"Yes, I know," she said tiredly.
"Why did he leave? He was a vampire hunter—why did he leave us? How did Damon die?" A lot of me was in denial...and shocked. My hands felt numb and the rest of me was shaking. Thoughts began attacking my brain and even before a sentence would end, another would start. I had so many questions.
Why is this all coming out now? Why couldn't they have told me sooner?
WHY WAS IT SO FUCKING HARD TO BREATHE?
She opened her mouth to explain, but then she stopped, her eyes widening in horror as she relived the moment. Her body began convulsing with sobs. "He was only ten years old! He couldn't control himself!"
"So you're saying he turned into a Level E…" My voice drifted off. "…by whom?"
"Your father had to do it. By the time he changed, he was the only one there who could do it," she sniffled. "And that's what drove him away. After killing his own son, he couldn't face us anymore. He felt…guilty."
"And so he left me behind?" I snapped. "I could have been your food for crying out loud!"
That earned me a hard slap I knew I deserved.
"How could you say that?"
"Well, it's true isn't it? If you're supposedly going to become a Level E because of your thirst for blood, eventually you were going to attack me!" I cried.
She swiftly stood up, knocking her chair backwards and she screamed. "HE DIDN'T LEAVE YOU BEHIND! YOU CHOSE TO BE WITH ME!"
"I WAS AN INFANT! HOW THE HELL COULD I HAVE KNOWN ANY BETTER?"
Her sobs became more violent. "He kept going… back and forth… America and Japan...finally deciding to stay in ...in Japan since we chose to live in America…after we were married. He…was going to take you with him…but...but you wouldn't stop screaming…you kept coming back to me…he didn't…have…the heart to take you away from me…so he left…by him...himself. You were…only three…so sometimes he'd visit…spend time with you…but at five…he stopped coming."
That explains why he kept leaving and coming back. I remember that. I remember him always leaving and always coming back. Then, at five years old, he didn't come back. And the neighbors told me he didn't want to be a part of the family anymore.
As she wept she mumbled something about him having a good heart. He always had a fragile, loving heart.
"Mom…what did Damon look like?" I asked softly, suddenly remembering the red haired boy in my dreams.
She sniffled, blowing her nose in a tissue that she had packed in her black leather purse. "Red…hair…my eyes...young…so young…"
"Did…Dad…shoot him?"
He had a bullet hole on his forehead. Blood leaked from it to the side of his face.
She bobbed her head up and down, and I was ready to vomit. I grabbed the clean iron gray bucket the prefect left me earlier and puked whatever I was fed earlier into it. I forced myself to look away from the disgusting mess and the repulsive smell because I knew I would only throw up again.
The dead boy in my dreams was my older brother. My older brother, before he died, protected me. He kept me safe from the enemy, and now even from the grave, he was still protecting me.
"It's why I changed my hair color to brown when you were younger," she sobbed. "He used to tell me he loved my red hair, and when he…died…that's all I could think of…all I could see in the mirrors…it was driving me mad…"
I wheezed sharply and found myself gasping for air, so I clutched my shirt--was it even my shirt? I don't remember ever having it-- tightly in hopes of keeping myself steady and having some control over myself, but my knuckles became pale and my nails dug so deep into my palms that I was cutting myself. I could already smell the blood.
Everything was spinning. Why did everything move so fast?
I whimpered and started to cry. She reached out to me, to hug me, and even though I didn't want her comfort, I didn't … couldn't … reject her. It hurt. Why did everything have to hurt?
I was asleep again. I knew because I was standing in the middle of a frozen, aquamarine lake. Damon was there, ice-skating and he was really good at it too, and I realized that this was his heaven. He loved ice and he loved playgrounds.
I stared at him, not sure of what to do anymore. A part of me wanted to drop to my knees and just die. Maybe I could borrow his ice-skate and use it to cut me open. A part of me wanted to scream at him, vent and let loose every emotion I had kept locked up.
He stopped right in front of me, shaving ice off the frozen lake and gently held out his hand.
I stared at his small hand, noticing the small palm and the tiny lines.
"Want to skate with me?" he asked, a small smile on his face.
That alone broke me.
He was a brother I didn't remember--a brother I didn't have the chance to get to know, to play with, to talk to, to spend time with, to ask for advice…all these years…and I had been alone. Miserably alone.
"Serena, don't cry," he said and he tried to wipe my tears away, but because he was a spirit his hands went right through them.
That made me cry even more.
"You never cried when you were a baby. You always laughed. Laugh for me Serena," he smiled tenderly, his eyes soft.
I hiccupped, fell to my knees and wrapped my arms around him. Never mind the fact I can't really hug him--I wanted a hug damn it!
"It's okay, Serena, I've always been with you," he smiled. "I watched you grow. I watched you live because…truthfully, because I wanted to live too. I wanted to know what it would be like as a teenager, so I went with you. Do you hate me for that?"
I shook my head vigorously.
"Do you hate me, Serena? For actually being your brother? Do you wish you that you never knew? I know you think that you should have never have found Erica and her family--do you honestly think it would have been better to not have known that a loved one died? What do you think now? Do you not want to know who I am? Do you hate me?" he bombarded me with questions, his voice filled with concern and worry.
When I looked at him, I realized he was afraid of rejection. He didn't want me to shun him.
"I would never hate you," I said, my voice meek and I sniffled. "Don't ever think I will."
A small, boyish smile played on his face and it made him glow.
"Good, because I've always loved you."
As I hugged him tightly to me, or at least tried to anyway, I looked at the ice that was around us.
I couldn't help but think about the ice and relate it to my life.
When I skated on the ice, I fell and I fell hard, but no one was there to lift me up. My father, I believed, was non-existent, my mother was my enemy with her cruel words, Erica had her own issues and the neighbors were judgmental. I had only my strength to keep going, only myself to lift me up.
But had I been really alone all this time?
I breathed in the cold air, relishing in the fresh air and the soothing affect it gave me.
"I love the ice," he said suddenly. "It's like snow. Pure."
"Yea, but snow is fluffier." My tears were either drying or becoming frozen.
"Yes, but ice is harder to break. Just like you, Serena."
I frowned, totally disagreeing with the kid. "I'm not as strong as you think I am, Damon."
"Yes, you are. You're just underestimating yourself again," he giggled childishly. "Remember all those fancy quotes they said back in school? 'The only limits you face are the ones you've created.'"
I shook my head and gave him a tiny, watery smile. "You're really smart for a ten year old, but you're wrong. There's a lot of things I can't do--can't handle--I mean weren't you even watching me when I attacked Zero? Or when I shot Aidou? I freaked out and I couldn't control myself."
He shrugged. "That's normal. You were hurt, confused and you panicked. You did what you could to survive. I have followed you enough to know you well enough, so I know what I'm talking about."
"Stalker," I mumbled.
"With good intentions, mind you. Oh, and one more thing Serena."
"What?"
"Forgive Dad."
"I…I don't…I don't know if I can do that," I mumbled uneasily. "I'm not ready to do that."
"I'm not asking you to love him or become best friends or even to trust him, but to forgive him," he persisted.
"Why? Why should I?" I asked bitterly.
He gave me a sad look. "Because he's human sis. We're all flawed, and he loves you."
I snorted and folded my arms over my chest. "Yea, whatever. Just drop the subject."
"Promise me you'll talk to him," he said, giving me a stern look, which was so cute on his face. A ten year old looking determined is always adorable!
I shook my head. "I won't make a promise. Not if I don't know that I'll keep it."
"Will you at least try?"
"…I can't guarantee anything," I sighed.
"That's enough for me," he said, a smile forming on his lips. "So let's skate now! I've always wanted to do it with you!"
"Sure, why not? What harm could one more broken bone do?" I said sarcastically.
He snickered at me. "Serena, it's just a dream. You won't wake up with more damage."
"It's okay. Everything will be okay," he smiled reassuringly, squeezing my left hand and led me onto the ice.
Reality sunk into me and memories flashed in my head.
The faces of the Skylar family, Jade's tattoo, Aidou's wounded shoulder and his upset face, and the blood that I had smeared onto Zero's face when I had attacked him. As I skated, glaring at the ice beneath my feet and barely listening to Damon's skating instructions, I wished I was someone else. Someone that other people looked up to, someone that made her parents proud...someone that made her brother proud.
Someone pretty. Someone skinny. Someone smart. Someone stronger.
Anyone but me.
I had gotten Erica and her family killed. I had shot Aidou in fear. I had attacked Zero in one of my panic fevers.
I should stay away from Kiren. I don't want her to be my next victim.
The feeling of impending doom clutched my heart and I was afraid.
Very afraid.
Prepare for my long ramble!
I wanted to list off the people and events that inspired me because I owe them big time...where would the story be without them?
1) My roommate last year once asked me if I believed in Guardian angels. My answer? Maybe. If I have one it's probably an animal. Anyway, she said she believes her older brother, Paul, is her guardian angel. Apparently he was a stillbirth...so that's where the idea of Damon came from.
2) Serena's Mom is slightly based on my mother. Both have an obsession with languages (My Mom wanted to work for the UN as a translator, which explains why she knows so many damn languages...you should try talking to her...I get confused as hell).
3) The line Damon says "Do you think it's better not to have known a loved one died?" is directly from me when my family kept my cousin's death from me and I was talking to his younger sister. He had died sometime in October 2007 and I didn't find out till February 2008 (Oh yea, I was pissed) and I was apologizing to her for not attending the funeral, etc, because I had not known...and she told me she would rather not have known. I obviously disagreed.
I do realize that Serena is being bombarded with a lot information and it's probably because no one has ever told me things little by little. They either tell me everything all at once or they don't tell me anything at all -sweat drops-
I don't own the song "I believe" by Sonohra, which is actually sung in Italian but I translated it to English and I do recommend listening to it. Pretty please? :D
Happy birthday Serena! And...I suppose Erica and her family's death was sudden, but that's how death is. It's unexpected. Next chapter is packed with humor!