Chapter 3 – Nowhere and Everywhere
"Thanks for letting me stay with you Speid. I can't stay in that house, it hurts too much." Jude was standing in the doorway of Speid's loft, a suitcase in her hand. Truth was, staying in her empty suburban house made her think of the life she had chosen, and the one she could have had if she had made a different choice. It made her think of Tommy. She wondered where he might be, how he was doing, and if she ever crossed his mind. All of this reminded her that it had been a week and there was still no word from Detective Avery.
"I wouldn't have it any other way Jude. I'd rather you be here when Jamie gets back anyway. I don't want him anywhere near you." He felt extremely protective of Jude these days, knowing that there were very few other people that she could turn to. He knew she hadn't gotten up the courage to tell anyone what she knew. He didn't blame her. "Besides, since Karma left on her world tour, the place has been pretty empty. Just me and that annoying rat of a dog." Jude smiled weakly. If it hadn't been for Speid, Jude would have gone off the deep end. Carrying around the knowledge that your husband had another wife was overwhelming. The only thing that would be worse was when the press got wind of it. It would be a dream come true for the gossip rag reporter that uncovered this story.
If there was one thing Jude had learned in the past two and a half years, it was how to keep herself out of the press. After her scandal ridden teen years, Jude had vowed to clean up her act. No more public fights or wardrobe malfunctions. Marrying Jamie helped her do that. It took her off of the scandal sheet and put her onto the list of sensible celebrities. Her success kept the reporters on the prowl, but they rarely found anything to print. Her life had become pretty safe and completely void of the irrational passion that had dominated the time she had spent with Tommy. It's what I wanted. She would remind herself, each time Jamie kissed her on the cheek instead of the mouth.
"You look a little lost Jude. You want to talk about it?" Jude glanced up, having forgotten for a moment that she was still standing in the doorway, Speid waiting for her to come in so he could close the door. She'd been thinking about one of a million scenarios that had crossed her mind in regards to the reaction of the press. She leaned against the wall and sighed
"I don't know Speid, I just keep going over it in my mind what is going to happen when this whole thing hits the fan. Since Tommy left, I've dedicated myself to staying out of the tabloids. I've created an image for myself that doesn't include love triangles or clandestine affairs, much less Jamie's double life. What's going to happen to that after Jamie comes home?" Jude sank into one an oversized chair, letting out a deep sigh as she did.
"Nothing has to happen to that Jude. Just leave the tabloids out of it. This is between you and Jamie." Speid said, sitting down across from her and leaning forward. He rested his elbows on his knees, looking toward Jude as the scenarios ran through his head as well. If it did come out, they both knew it wouldn't be pretty.
"I wish it was that easy Speid, I really do. But how do you hide something like this? How do you keep it from being discovered by people who make a living uncovering scandals?" Jude shook her head, copying Speiderman's pose. She put her head down, staring at the carpet underneath her feet. She could already imagine the reporters camping out on her lawn, shoving cameras in her face, and digging up every questionable picture from her past.
"Maybe we should ask Jamie. He seems to be doing a great job of it." Speid said sarcastically. Jude shook her head, but couldn't smile at the irony. It was still too painful.
"Its not really even the sensible Jude image that I am worried about ruining. I wake up every day with the thought of doing something crazy, shaving my head getting arrested, just to prove to myself that I haven't lost the feisty redhead that I used to be." She smiled a weak smile at the memories.
"You haven't lost that girl Jude. She's just been too busy playing house to remember her rock star side. We'll just have to vandalize some billboards or something. Then she'll come out of hiding." Jude smiled a real smile this time, the first one in what felt like forever. It faded quickly, bringing her out of her past and back into the present.
"I just don't want to be that girl that the whole world looks at and says 'poor girl.' I don't want to hear the whispers as I walk by. Jude's voice slipped into a stage whisper as she said, "Did you hear that her husband was having an affair? No, he was married to the other girl, an American from what I understand. Poor thing, she must be crushed. Can you imagine what that is going to be like Speid? How am I supposed to do that?" She looked up, her eyes looking helpless and lost.
"I don't know Jude, I don't know."
"Jude, I wish I could tell you that I had more for you, but I've simply run out of leads." Detective Avery slid the cream folder towards Jude, who eyed it cautiously. It seemed awfully thin. She opened it, paging through the sparse material that Detective Avery had been able to compile on Tommy. Jude wondered why she had come. Because I couldn't help myself. She thought. Three more days had passed without any word, and Jude had given in and called the detective. Now she was sitting in his office glancing at a picture of Tommy that was at least two years old.
"Did you try his real last name? DuTois? He might be going by it if he wants to stay anonymous." Jude was clinging to the hope that Detective Avery had just overlooked something.
"Of course. I've tried every name that he has gone by over the course of his career." Jude nods imperceptibly, knowing that he had.
"How far were you able to trace him?" Jude asked, feeling her heart sink slowly as she resigned herself to the fact that she would probably never see him again. She had already checked with Kwest and all of his old industry buddies. Nobody had seen or heard from him since he left for Thailand. If she couldn't track him down and the detective couldn't find him, what else was left to do?
"We were able to track him for about six months. We traced his credit card activity from Toronto to Thailand and then to China. From there we were able to flag his passport, which he used when he flew from Hong Kong to Mexico City. After that, the trail runs completely dry. No credit cards, no passport, nothing. It's like he just disappeared." Jude's eyes began to fill with tears, threatening to spill over. She blinked them back as she closed the file, she didn't want to see his haunting blue eyes staring up at her from the picture. Detective Avery's eyes softened as he saw Jude struggling to maintain her composure. "I'm not giving up Jude, and neither should you. We'll keep digging until we find something. It's only a matter of time."
Jude closed the door to the rehearsal space, collapsing against it as she heard it click. She slid down, pulling her knees to her chest when she reached the ground. The metal was cold through the thin fabric of her shirt, but she hardly noticed. Glancing around the room, she saw Tommy's memory in every corner. Sitting at the piano, having a picnic on the floor, laying upside down on the couch. He was everywhere and nowhere all at once. She closed here eyes and tried to fill her head with music, hoping to drown out the sound of his voice as he said goodbye. Every song that filled her mind contained him.
Opening her eyes, she glanced at the guitar resting in the far corner of the room. She hadn't touched it in months. After her fourth album had dropped, she had gone on hiatus, claiming to want to work more on producing. Truth was that she had no desire to write anything. It takes emotion to make a good song, and Jude had forced herself to be emotionless. The barrier began to crumble as she stood up and crossed the room, reaching out for her forgotten friend.
Holding the guitar in her hands, she felt wave of emotion wash over her. Her fingers grazed the strings lightly, sending little clouds of dust into the air as the strings vibrated softly. It was out of tune. Adjusting the strings slightly, Jude smiled softly as a sweet sound escaped the guitar. She began to hum and play, finding a few chords that she liked. Slowly, the words came out, rearranging themselves as she strummed lightly. Two hours passed, and finally she looked up, facing the empty room with a new song. She played it, singing just loud enough to be heard by someone else, had there been anyone to hear it.
I'm playing songs for your memory
Is this what I'm reduced to?
Pretending I can take it back
The day I walked away from you
The words fade in front of me
Like the contours of your face
Soon I'll need your picture
To keep my memories in place
I'm caught up in this life
Where I'm pretending to exist
But disappearing like you did
Is so hard to resist
Maybe then I'd find you
In a place only we belong
I'd glance into your crystal eyes
And remember how to write a song
All the notes sound hollow
When you're a million miles away
If I thought that they could reach you
I might convince myself to play
The acoustic is in the corner
And the piano gathers dust
My music starts to fade
As my heart begins to rust
I'm caught up in this life
Where I'm pretending to exist
But disappearing like you did
Is so hard to resist
Maybe then I'd find you
In a place only we belong
I'd glance into your crystal eyes
And remember how to write a song
I wish I could remember
How to write a song
The sound of the last note faded slowly as Jude finally stopped singing to the empty room. Sitting alone she wondered if anyone would ever hear it.