School, school school... I need to try not to think about the things that could go wrong today. Every day, like any regular six sided die, has a number of possible situational outcomes, limited only by what is certain: I would be there. Oh, to be or not to be... Another thing I shouldn't dwell on.
It's freezing and that suits me fine as far as wearing my jumper and stockings go. People think I'm strange in the summer, and so do I.
But it suits me not so well as far as metabolism and mood. The cold makes me angry and I have low resilience to the cold when I'm restricting like this.
Walking toward my friends again, like every time before, I feel vulnerable in my approach, not yet with them. What if today they reject me and everyone just turns around when I get close?
If I was thinner they would definitely like me. That's just the way it feels... However irrational.
Just in anyone's presence, it's as if like an elephant amongst a herd of gazelle I stand out. I take up too much space. I mean, she's fatter than me and so is he and they are as well but it doesn't help because it's not about them. It's about me.
I enjoy my classes while I distract myself from my physical existence with things of the mind. Things to learn... things I feel as though I always knew but needed a teacher or textbook to remind me of.
He was standing against a telegraph pole talking to Naruto when I walked out of the school gate. This shouldn't technically be an awkward circumstance, I think, so I walked as casually as I could, only briefly losing certainty of what normal walking was. And my thoughts went something along the lines of: I have to walk past them and we're friends so I have to say hello... or hey might be better if I am indeed going for 'casual'. Am I walking fast or slow right now? Or rather, what speed is time moving at?
"Hey." Smile. I smiled.
Sasuke was the first to see me but Naruto was light years in front with his greeting: "Sakura! Hey, going home?."
I didn't want to be rude and point out how dumb the question was, but then again, I suppose the question's content wasn't the question's purpose; he was just creating some relaxing dialogue. He's cool like that. I should be more relaxed and stop reading into things like, for example, silly questions.
"Aha. You? Sasuke?"
And then his greeting occurred but only so far as it was implied by his audible "Yeah."
It was kind of nice actually, standing in the little polygon we'd formed, friendship between us each, binding the shape and making this feel almost natural and easy. Sometimes having cool friends really makes me forget how unhappy I am. Right now I feel happy and I just want it to last. Times like this make me think eating is okay because I just want to be normal like this all the time... But I have reason enough, in the form of countless such experiments of freedom and the true misery it causes, to fear giving that away and letting my hold on myself and everything go. Especially because a little is never enough and I know how crazy I can go when I'm not keeping myself in check. I would use the word control but it's so overused at this point and it's got it's own connotations and associations, in my mind at least. I was happy, sure, but I left to go home out of the fear.
I hate the chill beneath my feet as I mount the terrible beast that is my set of scales, glass and digital. The number points out however that in fact I am the real beast. Not that I really ever forget, just... pretending is fun, remember? So in this little game we think really hard to ourselves on the image of being small and meek and scared (the way we feel) and of the scales as being cruel and dangerous (the way they seem). Damnit! Pick a mindset and stick with it for once! This is like being two f*cking people.