Author's Notes:
This is a flashback to what happened between them two weeks ago. Both of them said it was NOTHING!
Flashback - The so called 'nothing' that happened between Kate and Sawyer - Two weeks ago, L.A.
He was watching tv in the apartment he was currently sharing with Miles.
He still hadn't gotten his settlement from Oceanic, but it should be any day now. As much as he liked Miles' company, he was ready to find a place on his own somewhere. He was sitting there with a cold beer in one hand and the remote control in the other hand, when he heard the front door unlock and slowly open.
"Miles? I thought you said you'd be gone for 2 days? He blurted out, not even tearing his eyes away from the tv screen, while he was flipping through the channels.
She walked into the living room, and asked "What are you doing here?"
"Freckles?" He looked up at her. "What are you doing here? How did you get in?" He looked surprised, cause she hardly ever came here. Then he noticed the red eyes, like she had been crying. Something was definitely wrong, he could tell.
She held up a key, so he could see it, then said "Miles said I could stay here for a few days, and that he'd be gone and you'd be gone too. He said I could have the place to myself. So why aren't you in Vegas with Frank?"
"Well, sugar, first off, I'm here because I live here, second there's been a change in plans and my little road trip with Frank got canceled." He turned the tv off. "Miles didn't say anything about you staying here?"
She still stood in the doorframe. "That's because I asked him not to."
"Well, come here and sit down, take a load off, freckles." He patted the empty seat on the sofa next to him, and smiled.
"No, it's okay, I didn't know you'd be here, didn't mean to interrupt whatever it is you're doing."
She turned around, as if she was actually leaving. He got off the couch and followed her into the hallway.
"Yeah, scram! You're totally innerupting my channel surfing right now. With you here I might actually have to stick with one show at a time." He tried to crack a joke, but it didn't do much for her.
She still opened the front door, about to walk out again. He grabbed the strap of the duffel bag that was slung over her shoulder, just to stop her from leaving.
"Hey, I'm kidding, you know that. My plans got ruined too, so why don't you stick around, and we keep each other company?" He didn't understand why she was almost cold towards him tonight.
He wondered what happened, because ever since he'd gotten back to L.A. with Claire, he'd pretty much spend every day with her, or them. Kate and him had been the inseparable twosome, just like the last couple of days they'd spend on the island. They were as close as you could be, without crossing that one fine line. Neither of them ready to make that last move between being just friends and possibly more.
"See, the point for me was that I wanted a day or two to myself, no company." Kate looked up at him.
"And why is that? Why are you in such a crappy mood?"
"I don't know, it's just one of those days, I guess."
"Oh, and you knew that one of those days would be today, when Miles and I are supposed to be gone?" He smiled, cause he knew she was telling him a load of bull. "And therefore making plans to mope all by yourself ahead of time? Com'on, just tell me what's up? How bad can it be?" He smiled again, hoping it would get her to crack a smile too.
She sighed, then came back in, and closed the door behind her, and said. "It's been six month today, since that pretend funeral of Aaron." She paused, cause she could feel her eyes fill up with tears, but she really didn't want to start crying. Not now, not here! "I couldn't stand to be around Claire and him today, just wanted a moment to myself." She looked at him, but her eyes were shifty, not being able to focus or maybe too afraid to focus on him, afraid tears might start spilling over.
He didn't see that coming, that funeral had actually never been discussed. "I'm so sorry, freckles. I didn't even know. You never said anything." He paused for a moment himself. "I knew you had that funeral and all, but I really didn't think it would affect you this much, to be honest. I mean the kid's still running around in your house, right this minute."
"I know I'm being stupid, I just can't help the way I feel right now, there's just been a lot of adjustments lately."
"Well, the offer stands, if you wanna stay, then stay. Unless you wanna rather go home now?"
"Okay, I stay, but I'm not good company, I'm warning you right now." They walked back into the living room, and she sat down on the couch with him.
He looked at her and said sarcastically, "Hell, freckles. Don't get to comfortable." He was referring to her still wearing her Jacket.
"It's cold in here, and I'm only wearing a white tank top underneath." She opened her leather Jacket, to show him.
"the A/C's on, feels good in here if you ask me. Anyway, what is it with you and those tank tops?"
She just shrugged her shoulders at him.
"I think I have just what you need tonight." He left the room, and walked towards the kitchen, coming back with two glasses and a big bottle of whiskey. He held the bottle up for her to see better,
"Huh? What do you think freckles? Can you hold your liquor? Cause this oughta warm you up real fast."
"I can try, I guess." And he actually had managed to get a little smile to form on her lips.
He poured both of them a full glass, and handed one to her. He raised his, waited for her to do the same, and said, "To Aaron Austen, little adorable pain in the ass." He chuckled, and took a big gulp!
She did too. The alcohol burned in her throat, more then she'd remembered. She made a face and he couldn't help but laugh at her expression. Even after just one swig from it, she could feel the warmth of the whiskey spread throughout her body. She took another big gulp. He watched her face, but this time she'd already gotten used to the pain.
"So, can you feel it yet?" He looked at her, raising his eyebrows, smiling mischievously at her. She smiled faintly and took her Jacket off and threw it over to the chair, and then took another drink.
"See, thought it might work, and you know, it's like two birds with one stone. Forgetting this day and getting you a little warm in the process", he smiled from ear to ear, as he refilled his and her glass again.
"So what are we watching?" She looked over at him.
"I can't find anything worth my time, maybe you got better luck. Here." He held the remote out to her, but then pulled it away again when she was about to grab it. He smiled and she rolled her eyes. "But remember, my place, so I get the last call, we ain't watching some chick flick or something like that." He gave her the remote.
She took it, starting to click her way through the channels, and said, "Last thing I heard, this was Miles' place, and he gave me the okay to be here by myself. Therefore leaving me in charge." She smiled broadly, looking over at him.
"Don't even think about it. I've watched too many shows like that with you and Claire over at your place. And granted, I was outnumbered, and it was your place. But here, the sides are even, one you and one me. So don't mistake my generosity for something else, sugar. If I want that remote back, I'll get it back." He looked at her, like he was just waiting for her to take that challenge.
She tried to ignore his eyes on her, just clicking away on that remote. They had gotten so quickly back to their old banter tonight that she'd almost forgot why she came here in the first place. She was sad, wanted to be alone, and now, he's sitting right there, trying his best to get her mind of things.
"Alright, there's really nothing on." She handed him the remote back.
He took it back, with a surprised look, "Girl, you really are in a bad mood, aren't you? No comeback, no retaliation on your part. I have to say, I'm disappointed. Here I thought I'd get to tackle you for the remote, and you just give it up, just like that. You're too easy."
"I'm anything but easy." She looked back at him now, leaning against the back of the couch with her arms folded in front of her. The way her arms were pressing underneath her chest, made her cleavage more noticeable. He couldn't help it, his eyes were drawn to it, even though he'd actually meant to look at her face when she had said that. "And by the way, I'm up here." She smirked, pointing towards her face.
He met her eyes, smirked too. "Sure you are."
"Sure I am what?" She didn't understand what he meant by that now.
"Sure you are up there." He smirked at her again. She just shook her head at him, and looked towards the tv.
"I think you might need another drink to warm up some more, or wear a darn sweater if you don't like the damn A/C, then this wouldn't even be an issue."
"Yeah, right, because me wearing a sweater, would stop you from checking me out."
He was flipping through the channels again, and acted all innocent, "You're putting words in my mouth now, I didn't say nothing to that effect. You're a pretty lady, and I'm still a guy. I'm always gonna check you out. I was talking about something else."
"What else?"
He glanced at her chest again, then met her eyes, and looked away, still smiling, "Like I just said, maybe you need another drink, sweetheart. To warm you up again."
She looked down, and that's when she realized what he was talking about. She was wearing a bra, but still her nipples were clearly showing through her tank top. Embarrassed now she covered herself up. He was chuckling now at her expense.
"No reason to be embarrassed, ain't nothing I haven't seen before … or touched." He knew he shouldn't have said that, he forced himself now to look at the tv screen. Don't do it, don't look at her!
"You know you're a pervert." She slapped him on his left shoulder.
"Hey, easy now. Why am I the pervert? You're nipping out, and I just pointed out the obvious. That's that. Don't get mad at me now, cause you're not dressed right for the season, sugar."
She got up, he watched her, wondering if she was mad now. She put her Jacket back on and sat back down again. To his relief, cause he didn't want her to leave. Ever.
Neither of them spoke.
He got up and walked out without saying anything.
"Where are you going?" She asked.
"Hold on." He yelled from his room, then moments later he walked back in with a cardboard box under one arm and held out a sweatshirt to her with his other hand. "It's clean."
"Thank you, James." She took her Jacket back off and pulled his sweatshirt over her head.
"Welcome." He said nonchalant. He put the box on the coffee table in front of him. It was a box full of dvds.
"I'm sure there's something in here we haven't watched yet." He said, as he was digging through the dvd cases. She leaned in closer to him, to see what the selection was. He looked at one case after another, the ones that looked interesting; he turned over and read what it said on the back. One was a porno, he didn't turn it over though, just put it right back in the box.
"We're not watching that, Sawyer." She said immediately.
"Hadn't even crossed my mind, sugar."
He held one out to her, "What do ya' think, freckles?"
"We own the night." She read the title out loud.
"Miles just bought it last week, It's brand new, haven't gotten around to watch it yet."
"Sounds good."
He got up, went over to the entertainment center, squatted in front of the dvd player, putting that dvd in.
She watched him from the couch. The way his butt was filling out those jeans, when he squatted like that. She could see it even though his shirt was partially covering the view. She just couldn't find anything wrong with his appearance. Even way back then, in the jungle, all dirty, he was just so damn sexy. Although he thought he was sexy, when he walked out of the beach that time, naked but clean.
And now, still with that long dirty-blond hair, all clean shaven face, nice pair of jeans, long sleeve blue button down shirt. His eyes normally had a little green tint to them, but tonight they seem to have adopted the ocean blue color of his shirt. Why did he have to be so heartbroken and so good looking at the same time?
She was convinced that he was far from being over Juliet, although he put on a very convincing show sometime. Every time the possibility of them getting back together crossed her mind, she remembered the ring, and that he would have proposed to Juliet, had she not died. The guilt over Juliet's death was still hanging over her, haunting her. She should have kept her distance, she had tried, but that was always easier said than done, when it came to Sawyer and her.
She sighed and took another drink from her whiskey. He definitely was making her nervous tonight. Maybe it was the fact that they were completely alone. At her house, where they normally hung out, there was always the chance of someone busting through that door.
But tonight, Miles wasn't coming home and Claire thought she was at Cassidy's in Palm Springs for the weekend. She'd lied, didn't want to admit to Claire that she still had such a hard time with all of this, so she pretended to just go and visit Cass.
He stood up again, grabbed the dvd remote, then walked out, turned all the lights off everywhere in the apartment, and finally sat down beside her again.
After the previews, the movie starts out with a sex scene. Eva Mendez is lying on a couch masturbating, when her boyfriend portrait by Joaquin Phoenix walks over to her and helps her along. The seat wouldn't have had any effect on her whatsoever, had he not been sitting just inches away from her right now. She could feel the longing for him building up inside of her. The scene didn't even last 2 minutes, but it seemed like forever.
Sawyer can't help but smile, when he notices Kate shifting in her seat. When the sex scene is over, he looked over at her and grinned, "Picked a hell of a movie, freckles, when it starts out like this. This oughta be good."
Still smiling, he filled his empty glass up again, but before he put the whiskey bottle back on the table, she held her glass up to him, also wanting a refill.
"You might want to slow down there, freckles. Wouldn't want me to take advantage of you."
"You wouldn't dare either way." Her voice was already slurring a little. She started drinking again. She watched him out of the corner of her eye, sitting there, relaxed leaning comfortably back, whiskey in his right hand.
His left resting next to her on the couch, just inches away from her thigh. She stared at his hand for a moment. Then she finished her whole glass off at once. She felt the heat again, all over. Maybe he was right, maybe she should slow down on the liquor a little bit, cause she definitely started to feel the effect the alcohol was having on her. Or maybe it wasn't the alcohol, maybe it was him that had this effect on her.
She tried to watch the movie, but somehow the plot of the story went right over her head. Whenever something happened, he'd turn to her, to see her reaction. She pretended, mimicking his reaction … she had no clue what the hell was going on in that movie. God, he was gorgeous. How will I ever get over him. She could feel herself blushing, her heart racing, her head was rushing.
She stood up, swaying now. He saw it, got up and steadied her just in time, before she'd have fallen over. Steadied her by holding onto her waist, with both his hands. Gripping her tight.
"Are you drunk already, freckles?" He tried not to laugh at her.
"I dunno." Was all she brought out. She could feel his hand on her skin, where his shirt that she was wearing was riding up and had exposed just a little bit of her back.
"What do you want? What did you get up for?"
What do I want? I want you Sawyer.
"A pillow."
"Sit back down, baby. I get you a pillow. Hold on." She was lying down on the couch, and he went and got her one of his pillows from his bedroom, and a blanket too.
The movie was still playing, she tried to watch it at least while he'd left the room. It seemed like the moment he'd left, she was able to focus on something other than him. But it only lasted a moment.
He helped her sit up, and then put the pillow down, so she could rest her head on it. The fact that the pillow smelled like him, didn't help the situation. She reached behind herself, undoing the bun in her hair. She was more comfortable like this.
He sat down on the corner of the wooden coffee table, and started to untie her shoes, taking them off for her. He put the blanket over her, looking at her. She had her eyes open, seemed like she was watching the movie after all. He sat back down all the way on the other end of the couch. He pulled her feet onto his lap, and rubbed them. Her feet were cold, it surprised him a little, considering he'd just now taken her shoes off. He rubbed them, almost unaware of it while he watched the rest of the movie. Trying to catch on, since he'd missed a few scenes now.
Out of nowhere she said, "Thank you." He looked at her, she met his glance, "You're welcome, but I do have to cut you off now. No more whiskey for you, sugar." She just nodded. He smiled, looking back at the screen.
She's so damn beautiful. And the worst part is that she doesn't even know it. She seems utterly unaware of the effect she has on me. Just laying there, even with the blanket pulled up all the way to her chin now. Nothing to see, but her face and those curls just seem to fall perfectly without her even trying. He sighed, rubbing her feet some more, trying to convince himself to focus on the movie instead.
He let go off her feet, and leaned forward, trying to pour himself another glass, but got distracted. He looked over at her, she was out. Eyes closed, no doubt. He stared at her, didn't get the chance to stare at her like this very often. Not without her telling him, 'quit staring at me'. They didn't end up at the same place while sleeping, usually. But then again, tonight was very unusual. She wouldn't know if he looked at her just a little too long, she's fast asleep. His mind drifted to the possibility of her and him together. But as soon as he thought of them as more than just friends, guilt kept creeping in again.
He couldn't get that last conversation with Jack and Juliet out of his mind.
"A man does what he does, cause he wants something for himself. What do you want Jack?"
"I had her! I had her and then I lost her."
" Kate? Well damn doc, she's standing right on the other side of those trees, you want her back, just go and ask her."
"Nah, it's too late for that. You're five minutes are up."
"Jack, if what you're doing even works. You and Kate will be strangers, and she'll be in damn handcuffs."
"If it's meant to be, it's meant to be."
At that time he had made up his mind to stay with Jules, even though he couldn't stop thinking about the notion that Kate might had actually come back for him. He was a great con man, always good in pretending to love someone, but apparently not so good in pretending that he didn't love Kate!
"I need you to tell me where all this is coming from. I mean, one minute you're leading the great sub escape, and now you're on board with blowing up the damn island? I got a right to know why you changed your mind."
"I changed my mind when I saw you look at her. Don't, don't, don't" She looked so hurt.
"I don't care who I looked at. I'm with you."
"And you would stay with me forever, if I'd let you. And that is why I will always love you. You know what we had was just for a little while, and just because we love each other, doesn't mean we're meant to be together. Maybe we were never supposed to be together. So if Jack can make it so that none of you ever come here, than he should."
"Why are you doing this Juliet?"
"If I never meet you, then I'll never have to lose you."
Maybe she was right, he thought. He was at a loss for words in that moment, because he couldn't promise her that him and her would end up together forever. Juliet could see right through him, right through his act of 'I'm with you', when in reality, in his mind, he'd already pictured himself with Kate again. That's why he owed it to Jules, to go along with Jacks idiotic plan to blow up the damn thing.
He sighed, and just grabbed the bottle now and put it to his lip. The movie was over. He turned the dvd player off and changed the tv back to a normal channel. Again flipping through them, when he stopped as he saw something familiar on the screen. An ocean, an island, Tom Hanks. He put the remote down, and watched the movie, sipping away at the bottle at the same time.
She started to wake up, her head was hurting. She blinked, but decided to keep her eyes closed for a little longer. Slowly she realized that she was in his arms. She opened her eyes. She had to blink a few times. The sunlight was shining in bright through the little gaps in the blinds from the window.
His upper body was naked. Her head was resting on his right shoulder, her right hand over his heart. She could feel his right arm wrapped around her, and literally wedged between her butt and the couch behind her. His left hand was gripping her waist. She wasn't wearing his sweatshirt anymore, just her tank top again.
She was afraid to move, didn't want to wake him up, not ready to face this situation. Or was it that she didn't want this situation to end? Her head was spinning and hurting, trying to remember if anything happened between them last night. She was still dressed, he was shirtless. Don't know what that meant. He felt so good, his skin so good against her face and her hand.
She could feel his heart beating right under the palm of her hand. She closed her eyes again, decided to just lay here, she had decided that she didn't want this moment to end. Prolonging it as much as possible, pretending to still be sleeping. Breathing him in. She nudged his jaw line with her nose, realizing that he wasn't that clean shaven anymore. Those stubbles were coming back in. She wanted to kiss him, but knew better. She lost track of time, might have even fallen back asleep, when he started stirring a little.
He moved his head just a little bit to the right, when he felt her hair on his cheek. His eyes shot open, staring straight up. His eyes stung from the bright sun coming through the window. He blinked to adjust to it. Then he was just laying there, when he realized she was partially on top of him, wrapped in his arms.
Where was his shirt? Her hand and fingers spread out across his chest, his heart actually. He swallowed. That brings new meaning that she has my heart in her hand, he thought. He deliberated in his mind what to do. Should he try to get up? He was nervous, or unsure would be a better word. But didn't really want to get out from under her. This was heaven, as long as she was still sleeping. Once she wakes up, he was worried what might happen. Wondered if she'd be embarrassed and storm out.
He swallowed again. Wondering if she'd notice, that his heart beat started to pick up. He remembered something. He remembered her laying there, so damn cute last night. She told him to stay on the couch with her last night. And even though he'd been drinking too, he wasn't that drunk. He was well aware that when she asked, that she probably wouldn't remember a thing about it in the morning. So I guess she was wrong about me. I did dare to take advantage of her after all. Well, at least to hold her in my arms for one night. He could have done worse. He smiled. For a brief moment he wished he would have done more than just hold her. He could have always blamed it on the alcohol. She was really drunk. Oh god, Miles was so right, he was pathetic when it came to Kate. Here she is, skin on skin … well, partial skin, and he was worried that she'd wake up.
She started to move, he could feel her hot breath on his skin.
Was that a kiss? Did she just kiss my neck?
She moved her hand on his chest, like she was trying to get out of his arms. He let go of her waist, slit his other hand from her butt up to her lower back. He lifted his head, tried to look at her. She looked up at him, almost hovering over him.
Say something, freckles. Come on.
Their eyes were locked to each other, and before they knew what they were doing, they kissed. Slow, deep, tongues lightly playing with each other. He grabbed a hold of her tiny body, and flipped her over. He was on top. He kissed her neck, working his way down, but then kissed her lips again. Bodies pressing into each other. His hand disappearing in her hair, pulling her face closer, he didn't want her to pull away from the kiss.
Sighs, moans, it had been so long. 4 years since he had last kissed her on that helicopter. His left hand snaked under her shirt, caressing her side, slow and playfully. He didn't want her to tell him to stop, so he tried really hard not to go too far. Although he wanted all of her right this instant.
Touch and kiss, let's focus on that for right now. All that mattered right now was that she was still kissing me, her hands rubbing over my bare chest. It felt so good to feel her touch me, to know she wanted to touch me, like I want to touch her. She was radiating heat, it was intoxicating.
This wasn't just him, she wanted it too. He was sure. He tried to undue her pants with one hand. She tried to break free from the kiss. Shit, he went too far, she wasn't ready for that yet.
"Sawyer, wait, hold on. Please?"
He stopped kissing her, his hands resting on her. "What? Are you okay?" He looked her in the eye.
"I can't. I'm sorry. We have to stop." She looked up at him, pain in her eyes.
"Um, okay, that's okay. Look we don't have to do anything you don't want to, baby." He leaned in again to kiss her, she let him, but only for a moment.
She pulled away from the kiss, "Please, Sawyer, I need to go. I really have to go."
He sat up, got off of her, but looked at her, running his hand through his own hair now.
She sat up, looking over at him. "I'm really sorry, I shouldn't have kissed you. I made a mistake."
She shouldn't have done that, shouldn't have started something she wasn't ready to finish yet. He was clueless what he was getting into with her, she can't do that to him. He deserves better than this. More than this. Someone that will stay with him, forever. And sadly, right now, she wasn't sure she could be that person for him, however for totally different reasons then before. She pulled her shoes on.
"Hey, don't beat yourself up, freckles. Guess I should have seen that coming, knowing our history."
She didn't say anything, she just put her Jacket on.
He picked his blue shirt up off the floor, put it on and started buttoning it. Staring down at his buttons, avoiding eye contact with her.
He said "Your green eyes go to my head, girl, every damn time. I lose control and then." He sighed. "Here I go again, falling for you even though I know you're only playing with my heart. But I guess a night or two of loving you is better than never at all. And I can't help myself."
She looked at him, pain and hurt reflecting in her eyes, "Is that what you think of me? Really?"
"You have commitment issues, I get it. It's fine. The kiss was definitely worth it." He was arrogant, trying to mask his own hurt feeling of being rejected by her again.
"Sure, Sawyer. Tell me about commitment issues? I'm sorry that I ain't Juliet, I wasn't worth changing for. I was just good enough for sex. I see nothing's changed after all." With that she practically ran out of the apartment. Tears streaming down her face, but she ran, as fast as she could. Couldn't stand the thought that he would maybe catch up with her and see her crying.
How dare she bring Juliet into this. She was nothing like her. Don't compare yourself to her. And as soon as he had finished processing that thought in his mind, his mind went to her and Jack again.
How can you be jealous of a dead man? He thought to himself. How the hell did Jack end up living with her? Proposing to her?
Even now, with Jack out of the picture, he still wasn't good enough for her to settle down with. He could feel the anger build up inside of him. He sighed again. Good that she was already gone, or he would have kicked her out.