"Would you mind?" she asked, asking him to push her hair back. To touch her hair. He always wanted to…and now she was asking him to. He reached up with both hands, drawing her thick, shiny hair over her shoulders. His fingers brushed the sides of her neck as he went back for a few errant strands, and Jayne felt River go very still. He couldn't help it…he skimmed his fingers through her hair, a secret caress, as he gathered it into one long hank. He dug in his pocket for the corded bootlace and looped it underneath. He pulled it tight and tied it up into a lopsided ponytail, grinning to himself as he flipped the end around his finger and gave it a playful tug…suddenly conscious of how she was wrapped in his arms, almost pressed back against his chest…Jayne felt the never-far-off desire he tried so desperately to control stir within him, and his body responded almost helplessly by curving into hers. He felt her bottom against his thighs, her shoulder blades against his chest, her head almost tucked into the space just beside his jaw. Gradually, he slid his hands around her slim wrist bones, following the delicate tendons down to ease his big fingers between hers, stroking the tender webs of skin at each apex, exploring the shape of her small, capable hands.

Slowly, River's face turned up to his, a shy, tremulous smile on her lips. Jayne wasn't about to let this opportunity get away. He kissed those sweet, shy lips, gently at first, and then with increasing depth and pressure as she opened her mouth to him…they kissed hungrily, forcefully, trying to cram as much sensation as possible into that intersection of skin.

"Jayne! Get yer' ass in the mule. Let's go!"

Jayne looked up from where he was knelt down tying his bootlaces. Mal looked genuinely pissed off this time. Couldn't blame him none either. Nothin' deadlier than a distracted gun hand, 'specially a gun hand distracted by memories of first kisses.

"On it, Mal," Jayne hoisted himself and Vera up into the mule. "All set."

Mal eyes met his dead-on and Jayne knew from experience that that look weren't a good one. " I need ya' in the here and now, Jayne. We're here ta' do a job and I ain't risking my own ass, nor Zoe's, fer' the fun of it. We need this to go off without a hitch, dong ma?"

"Sure Mal." Jayne grimaced a bit at the scolding tone but knew he'd earned it. Fact was, he didn't really care 'bout the job. Didn't much care what happened to him ta' be honest. But it was his job to keep the crew safe and that's the only thing that got him up most days.

"And Jayne, after this is done, you and me gonna have words."

"Sure Mal."

Not like it do any good. Fact was, Jayne knew he was off his game. Didn't mean he could do nothin' about it. Capt'n preachin' at him weren't gonna help none either. But if it bought him a few more days on the ship, than he'd take it. Being on Serenity without the girl was hard but there was still enough of her around to live on, to remember, to pretend, at least for a bit longer. But if Mal kicked him off, he'd have nothin' left of her and Jayne was sure he wouldn't survive long on nothin'.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Thanks for comin'. Seems I gotta few things on my mind and I'm lookin' for ya' to help me out," Mal spoke to the group seated around the table. "I know we've all been hurtin' in our own ways since Miranda, and we've all done more than our fair share of grievin'."

Mal looked out over his dwindling crew and was amazed at the strength he saw in their faces. Zoe's stoic glare, Simon's direct gaze, Inara's gentle smile, and Kaylee's ever-present sparkle.

"I've asked Jayne to run into town 'cause I wanna talk 'bout him in particular," Mal noticed no one seemed surprised. "I can't help feelin' like we all done a good deal of mendin' in the last nine months. And not ta' say it was easy on any of us, but, and I can't believe I'm sayin' this, but any one else 'round this table think my merc is broke?"

"It didn't escape my notice, sir," chimed Zoe.

"Well, I sure would like ta' hear any suggestions on how to fix him before he daydreams himself into an early and not-so-shallow grave," Mal commanded.

"Perhaps if we could somehow contact River, he might cheer up a bit," suggested Simon.

Everyone around the table simply gawked in response.

"Why does everyone on this boat think I'm a total idiot," huffed Simon. "Top three percent, remember? Listen, it didn't take a genius to figure out that Jayne's current tailspin corresponded to the exact date of my sister's departure. I don't really know what was going on, and Lord knows I really don't want to know, but maybe if he heard from her, maybe if they could talk, he could get some closure."

"He told me he loved her," Kaylee whispered.

"What!," cried Mal and Simon simultaneously.

"I talked ta' him and he told me he love her, and it was only after he told River was when she took off," Kaylee explained. "I'm thinkin' Jayne's heart is broken."

"Well, that may be true, and maybe not, but I can't be doin' nothin' about that," grumbled Mal. "Any other thoughts?"

"Perhaps if we were to take on new crew," Zoe offered. "It might be good for everyone to have a fresh face or two onboard. Plus, we really could use a new pilot."

Inara placed her hand over Zoe's in silent comfort. Mal patted Zoe's shoulder. He was continually amazed by her strength. "Been thinkin' along the same lines myself. Any other ideas?"

"Jayne's real tight with his ma'," reminded Kaylee. "Maybe we could pay her a visit. You know, let him have some time with his own kin?"

"Good thought, lil' Kaylee," Mal responded. "I'll reckon there's no harm in pokin' around his home planet for our next job."

Mal turned his eyes to Inara, who had been uncharacteristically quiet during this conversation. "Inara, you're our official resident counselor, got any words?"

He was shocked at how she simply dropped her head and nodded slowly. "No."

Mal knew his woman was hiding something but he was smart enough not to push it in front of the crew. They had settled on a quiet understanding on when and where it was acceptable to quarrel. Now was not the time. Not when things needed built up, not broken down further.

"All right then. I'll look into hirin' on new crew and findin' a good reason ta' be in the area of Mrs. Cobb but if'n any of you got a way to get a message to River, now might be a mighty fine time to do it."

"Captain, if I had a way to speak to River, don't you think I would have by now," quipped Simon.

"I know, I know, don't seem likely none of us can do nothin' 'bout our missing 'Tross," sighed Mal. "I just know if we can't get Jayne turned around soon, I'm gonna have ta' be thinkin' on lettin' him go, and I know none us here can stand to lose another crew."

Mal watched as the remainder of his crew nodded their agreement, Kaylee grabbin' onto Simon's arm for support, and Inara worryin' her bottom lip 'tween her teeth. Damn it, if that woman is keepin' secrets.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"You know you're a real pain in the butt, you and your brother that is." He grumbled, now standing in front of River. His eyes followed her line of vision and he saw her staring at her hands whilst they trembled, which did not surprise him, River could be awful twitchy sometimes.

"And you ain't to appealin." Jayne placed his hand under her chin, lifting her head so she was looking at him but River kept her eyes down.

"Hell, I could be with anyone I liked but I think I had one too many to drink tonight," he run a finger through her hair, "and there are some awful cute things about you." Jayne placed his thumb at River's right eye, which she closed. "Like right here." he stated as he leaned in and kissed her right eye. River frowned and grabbed his wrist, not tightly but held onto it.

He pulled away and this time, saw that she was actually looking him in the eyes. "This one too." he leaned in and kissed her left eye. River was trembling now, her lips started to quiver when Jayne pulled away. "Right here, can't forget right here" he whispered, leaning in, kissing on the lips.

Jayne woke with a start as he heard footsteps comin' down the hallway leading up to the bridge. He knew without seein' that it was Inara. She was the only one nowadays that was up at this hour.

Jayne rubbed his eyes and sat up a bit as she crossed into the bridge. She simply nodded in acknowledgement to his presence in the co-pilot seat as she tucked herself gracefully into Wash's seat. He noticed she seemed to be inspectin' him but just as he was goin' ta' call her on it, she turned to look out the view window.

It took him a while to gather his thoughts. It was late and the dreams had been comin' on something fierce as of late. So much so Jayne had been tryin' not to sleep. So while he was groggy, his brain was still fixed on somethin' and now was as good a time as any.

"Inara?"

"Yes?"

"I never figured to ask ya' straight out if ya' knew where she was 'cause I figured ya'd never a told me anyhow. But I'm out of options and I don't know what else to do."

Jayne watched as Inara's delicate face seemed to wince, her eyes slammed wide like she'd just been slapped.

"What are you asking me, Jayne?"

He sighed at her directness, knowin' she'd need a bit of explainin' if she were the one holdin' the secret that he was convinced one of them had ta' been carryin' all these months. Girl can't just vanish into thin air, and he knew it. Inara was good at keepin' secrets, were big part of her job. Jayne knew he'd have ta' tell more than he was willin' to if he expected her to spill.

"Inara, ya' ever think on why I'm up here every night, staring off into the black?"

"Well, I guess not," Inara said. "Not really. I have a few suspicions but, no, I can't say I know why you are here, and I hadn't realized it was every night."

Jayned sighed again and shifted in his seat to look over at her. "I sit here, every night, in her seat, and look out to the black that she loved so gorram much. Bet ya' didn't know I used ta let her float around out there when her troubles got to cloggin' her brain too much," he smiled slightly. "I sit here every night, tryin' to suss out why she left and where in the 'verse she coulda gone," he paused, staring at his hands in his lap. "But I ain't a ruttin' genius like she is and I ain't been able to get the answers I'm a needin'. I've asked everyone onboard, both using niceness and threats. Even tried to bribe Simon but he looked just as lost as I felt and figured ya' can't fake that." his voice trailed off. "Seems the girl really just up and disappeared," he looked her straight in the eyes. "But I ain't asked you yet. I ain't asked ya'straight. And now I gotta ask. I gotta know. I gotta know where she is."

"Jayne, it was River's choice to leave. It's her choice to stay away. It's not my secret to keep."

Jayne felt the first stab of hope he'd felt in weeks. "Please 'Nara. I can't not know."

He knelt in front of her, not carin' how it desperate it made him look. Not carin' if someone saw. He dared to lay his hands gently on her knees. "I can't not know and it's killin' me."

He felt her hand slide against his cheek, wiping away a tear he wished she had never seen.

"Oh, Jayne," she purred. "I'm so sorry. I didn't know."

He watched and waited as she took in a deep breath. "I'll tell you where she is."

That night, Jayne thanked the stars that Inara was compassionate, but more than that, he was thankful that she finally caved.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A/N: First section in italic, an except from "Smile", Gem588,

Second section in italic, an excerpt from "Little too much to Drink", Shlynn, , 07-25-11