AN: Hello! So I feel like this story is confusing as hell to follow, but I also love it (I hope you all do too!). I recommend listening to "The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot" by Brand New before you read this fic. This story is based on the song. So on to the confusingness:
The lyrics to the song are interspersed throughout the fic. The form of the lyrics is important, whether italicized or bold:
Italicized: Thor
Bold: Loki
I did this to show which lyrics are representative of which character. When it is bolded and italicized, it applies to both characters.
Flashback quotes are underlined.
I would love for somebody to make a video for this since I have no idea how to make videos. Message me if you are interested!
I hope this format isn't too confusing and sorry for the long AN!
If it makes you less sad, I will die by your hand.
In the midst of the battle, the clamor ringing in his ears, Thor laid down his hammer. The mastermind of this attack, the villain, was no villain to him, but Loki, once again. Thor walked up to the armor clad god, his brother, and fell to his knees, bending his head.
"Loki, end this. Take what you will from me. Kill me."
He deserved to die for what he'd done during his lifetime. If his death was what it took to repair the harm done to his brother, he would gladly forfeit his life. He had offered this before, when facing the Destroyer Loki had released.
Hope you find out what you are; already know what I am
Before this, Thor had hoped in time that Loki would realize the wrongs he was committing, just as Thor had been awakened to his own. The echoes of Odin's words rang in his head.
"You are a vain, greedy, cruel boy…I was a fool, to think you were ready…arrogance and stupidity…horror…war…unworthy, unworthy of the love of those you have betrayed!"
Odin's accusations held only truth, Thor knew this now and strived to make amends for his offenses. He wanted his brother to be at peace with himself, as either a son of Jötunheim or Asgard, it mattered not. Though realizing his identity had been long in coming, Thor knew his place and his purpose now.
But Loki felt he didn't need to find his own character, it was obvious. Odin, his "beloved" Allfather, thought to protect him from his true nature. There was no protection for Loki.
"What, because I…I…I am the monster parents tell their children about at night?"
He was a monster. Jötun. Frost giant. Ice. Cold. Hate. Oh, he was one of the hated race – he was the enemy. Nothing could be done to save him, nothing could end this!
And if it makes you less sad, we'll start talking again
You can tell me how vile I already know that I am
He had let his friends look down on Loki. Never once did he notice how hidden Loki was in his shadow. He still remembers Loki's words in Asgard and on Earth:
"Is it madness? Is it? IS IT?"
"I never wanted the throne, I only ever wanted to be your equal!"
"I remember a shadow, living in the shade of your greatness."
The glory had blinded him and he abandoned Loki long before by not understanding him. Battle was what made a mighty warrior in his eyes at that time. He had believed Loki was no such warrior. Such disloyalty, betrayal, arrogance! How vile Thor knew he was, before his punishment, before he learned humility and empathy. He had held his own brother down while the dwarves sewed his lips shut! What kind of monster harms anyone in that manner, let alone family! Loki was his brother, regardless of his heritage. Loki was no monster.
Thor had wanted to repair the damage done – he needed his brother back in his life, desired to speak with his brother as they once had. He wished it was so, but Thor knew he could never be forgiven.
I'll grow old, start acting my age
It'll be a brand new day in a life that you hate
A crown of gold, a heart that's harder than stone
Living on Earth had changed Thor. Finally he began to learn what was right and honorable, he learned what it took to be a king. But Thor deserved no crown when his glory only served to lower Loki further, to drive Loki farther from him and his old self before Thor broke him, before Odin's lies were revealed.
After a time, Thor became aware that every day of his continued existence was punishment to Loki. Each sunrise in Thor's life began the day of belittlement, insecurity, and torture for Loki. Thor could not live while his brother suffered, nor allow those of the Earth to suffer for his mistakes.
Loki searched for his heart for his compassion and love for Odin and his adopted family, but he had become too full of pain and betrayal, at disgust of his true nature. His heart could not bear the weight of its own sadness, instead he only felt hard and cold where his heart should be. Hard and cold just like his real Jötun form.
And it hurts to hold on, but it's missed when it's gone
Today, Thor's guilt was too much to endure. He just couldn't do this anymore. Couldn't go on day after day, weighed down by his sins, trying to repair the unfixable. He felt the burden of all his offenses today. He felt the pain.
Had Loki really thrown his relationship with Thor away for power? Was equality, was his pride worth the loss? All that Loki had said was true, and he felt justified. Oh, he felt vindicated when he battled against his so-called brother! But at times, dark times, Loki missed Thor. He hated himself afterwards for his weakness. But he missed his brother.
Call me a safe bet, I'm betting I'm not
I'm glad that you can forgive, only hoping as time goes, I can forget
Thor kept trying to reconcile, he believed Loki could change. That there was a shred of him left that could be healed, trusted, loved. But it is not so. There is no hope for the monster, why can't he see this? It frustrates Loki to no end that he won't give up. And yet…Thor forgives him, after all of this. But Loki can't forgive, he can't forget.
If it makes you less sad, I'll move out of this state
You can keep to yourself, I'll keep out of your way
And if it makes you less sad, I'll take your pictures all down
Every picture you paint, I will paint myself out
It's cold as a tomb, and it's dark in your room
When I sneak to your bed to pour salt in your wounds
Thor would do anything to make his brother happy, to give him the life he deserved. He needed to cut himself out of Loki's life because, merely by existing, he tormented Loki further. Without even trying, Thor would twist the knife in his brother's heart a little more. No longer, no longer.
So call it quits, or get a grip
You say you wanted a solution;
"You think this madness will end with your rule?"
"It's too late. It's too late to stop it."
"No, we can. Together."
you just wanted to be missed
"Did you mourn?" Loki had asked, months ago.
"We all did."
Call me a safe bet, I'm betting I'm not
I'm glad that you can forgive, only hoping as time goes, I can forget
So I can forget, I can forget
He wanted to prove Thor right. To be good again, to deserve to be loved. But if Loki knows anything, it's that there is no hope for him. There is no point in trying. Thor would only be disappointed when he couldn't change his ways.
You are calm and reposed
Let your beauty unfold
Pale white, like the skin stretched over your bones
Spring keeps you ever close
You are second-hand smoke
You are so fragile and thin, standing trial for your sins
Holding on to yourself the best you can
Thor was the golden child, the child of spring and warmth. He could feel secure in himself while Loki could not.
Why couldn't Loki see that he was more than his race? He was ethereal, boundless in his skills in magic, more powerful and deadly than Thor himself. Deadlier than the numerous fires burning down the city behind them. Loki thought himself inferior, but many times he was the stronger of the two, he had been the voice of reason. And yet in some ways, Loki was weaker in spirit. Pieces of the old Loki faded away in wisps of smoke as he hardened into the person he thought he had to be.
Thor could see Loki thought he was a monster. Discovering he was a Jötun, Loki believed he couldn't be anything but evil, twisted, murderous. Loki punished himself harder for it than anybody else by believing it.
You are the smell before rain
You are the blood in my veins
"Loki, please. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I hope one day you can forgive me for what I've done to you."
Loki continued to stand there, blinking at Thor who was kneeling at his feet, supplicant. His fingers twitched around the staff held in his hands.
"Do it," Thor pleaded, none of the usual command in his voice.
Call me a safe bet, I'm betting I'm not
I'm glad that you can forgive, only hoping as time goes, I can forget.
With one last glance at the figure beneath him, Loki turned away, leaving Thor unharmed where he knelt. The God of Mischief walked slowly away from the ruins of the city and vanished when he was simply a speck on the horizon. The army fighting the Avengers collapsed in time with Loki's disappearance, never to rise again.
I'm sure you will want to know what happens next, but this is a one shot :( Apologies! Please review :)
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