Chapter Twenty – Butterflies

Sydney's POV

The sting of the razor made its way across my hip as water scalded my back. Tears ran down my face and into my agape mouth. I couldn't help but watch as red blood flowed down my leg and mixed with the water to the drain. The pain was a relief. The physical pain was enough for me to forget about the emotional pain. The scars would stay with me and remind me of how terrible I am, how I hurt someone.

I stepped out of the shower and erased all memories from last night from my mind. I decided not to talk to Theresa about what happened because she would only lecture me about how wrong I am, and I didn't feel like hearing that right now. As I ran a brush through my wet hair, I could hear a knock on the door.

"Are you done yet?" Zayn shouted from the other side of the barrier.

"I just have to put my clothes on." I returned, grabbing my shorts from the floor.

I could imagine his smirk as he spoke, "That's okay, you can come out without 'em."

I decided not to give him the satisfaction of a reaction and stayed silent as I pulled my shorts on and my sweater over my head. I held my beanie in my hand as I unlocked the door and stepped out. Zayn winked at me and I stuck my tongue out at him, adjusting the beanie atop my wet hair to try and control the impending amount of curls that were going to form.

I plopped onto the sofa that contained Niall and Louis playing a game of Go Fish. They both glanced at me and said nothing as I slid my glasses onto my face. They had both been acting strange around me recently and I didn't know why. I couldn't remember doing anything that would make mad at me or anything.

I sighed and ignored this, burying my face in The Crucible. It had always been one of my favorite plays and I smiled at the memory of performing the show. This play is what established me in theatre. I played Elizabeth Proctor, alongside Theresa as Abigail Williams and Phillip as John Proctor. This was Phillip and my first kiss. Well, stage kiss. The emotional moment of him refusing to disgrace his name for his life gave me honest emotions and desires to kiss him. The kiss was passionate and believable.

My mind trailed off as I lusted in the memory, thinking of the felling of Phillip's lips against mine. This memory led to another one, from last night. My eyes widened as I looked at Louis and Niall's faces.

"Oh god," escaped my lips as my eyes shifted from left to right. Both of the boys looked at me with anxious faces.

"I'm so sorry," I said, covering my mouth.

"Erm, it's okay. You were drunk. I didn't really think you had much sense in your mind," Niall explained looking away, his face the color of his scarlet pants.

"Lou, I –" I started to say.

He interrupted me, "I know. Don't worry about it. It's in the past now. Let's just forget about it."

Suddenly my cuts meant so much more. Now I hadn't only hurt Leo, but Louis and Niall as well. I could feel Theresa's eyes on me as I moved across the bus, my feet dragging the entire way. She let me be however; knowing that nothing she could say would change the past. I slumped into one of the four beds on boards and buried my face in my hands. I laid there and sobbed until I heard a familiar voice behind me.

"I like pussy too," he whispered in my ear. My head shot around as my eyebrow arched itself, "What?"

"Your sweater, it says 'I Like Cats', well, I like cats too." He replied, giving me a grin.

I let out as moan as I couldn't help but let out a small snort.

"Get out of here," I exclaimed, pushing Harry's shoulder away from me.

He didn't budge, "Made you laugh. Now, tell me what's wrong."

I thought for a minute before I opened up to him. I wasn't sure if I could trust Harry to not judge me or tell everyone what was going on. His green eyes and dimples lured me in, "What isn't wrong? All of your fans hate me for 'stealing you' from them and supposedly breaking up Lou and Eleanor, I saw Leo last night and broke his heart to try and compensate for him breaking mine, and I kissed Niall and Lou. I'm such a fuck-up."

"Well, first off, all the fans don't hate you. They're simply jealous that it's you and not them. Secondly, this Leo guy hurt you, and sure having sex with him probably wasn't the best option, but it happened and there's nothing you can do about it. And lastly, I talked to both of them about that today. Neither of them really minded. Honestly, Niall was thrilled that you found him attractive for that little moment. And Lou, well, I'm not supposed to tell you about that one."

I shot up at his last remark, my head barely hitting the roof above me. "What aren't you supposed to tell me?"

His mouth moved in contemplation for a moment but caved when I pouted my lower lip, "Damn you and that cute little pout you have. Anyway, last night you told Lou that when you're around him you get butterflies. Now, I don't know if that's true or not. But, erm, Lou, ehh, gets, erm…"

"SPILL IT, MAN!" I shouted, my jaw clenching together.

"He gets those butterflies too. He didn't want to tell you because he didn't want to ruin your friendship and because you're so fragile." His voice trailed off at the memory of when he tried to admit his feelings to me.

"So, you mean, he…"

"Yeah, Lou likes you, a lot. I mean, why do you think he spends so much time trying to get you healthy? He talks to you more then he does me these days."

"What do you think I should do? Should I wait for him to say something, or tell him you told me, or pretend I figured it out on my own?"

"Well, that all depends on what you plan on telling him. Do you like him too?" At this point we were both lying down in the small bed, playing with each other's messy bunch of curls.

"I've never really thought of him as more of a friend before, but he is a really good one. I also think that he wouldn't hurt me, which makes him way too good for me."

"Sydney, you really need to get over this whole not thinking you're good enough for anyone thing, because you are. Listen, Lou is a really great guy and I think he's good for you and you're good for him. Now, if you can handle this with the tour and everything, go talk to him. If not, then stay silent and enjoy your pussy… cats."

I gave him a mean look and thought about what I should do. I didn't want to let Lou be helpless with his feelings, whether I could handle it or not. I managed to roll out of the bed and back to over where Niall and Lou where, Harry trailing behind me and sitting to chat with Liam and Theresa.

"Hey Lou," I tapped him on the shoulder. "Could I talk to you for a second?"