Chapter Twenty-One – Letters to Crushes

Louis' POV

My head snapped around as I felt Sydney's light touch on my shoulder.

"Hey Lou, could I talk to you for a minute?" They words came out of her mouth in a sweet tone, entrancing me.

"Yeah, sure," I stood up as she took my hand and pulled me back to where she and Harry were speaking before. We sat on the bed as she folded her legs and fumbled with something in her hands.

"So, whatcha want to talk about?" I asked, placing my arm around her shoulder. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Well, I'm not, but that isn't what this is about."

"What is it about, then?" I asked, my eyes gazing to her lips. Her face looked beautiful today, like it had everyday. Her glasses framed her grey eyes, and rested on her cute little button nose. Her skin was tanned and soft like feathers. Her lips formed a perfect pink pout as she thought deeply. I loved the way she looked when she didn't try; she was so natural and perfect.

I resisted the urge to run my hand across her jaw line when she spoke, "I want to show you something." She placed the object she was fiddling in my hands and I discovered it was a small notebook. She flipped open to a page and I read the writing aloud. "We're best friends. That means I get to make you laugh. I love making you laugh. Whenever I know you're laughing, I smile. Usually, I laugh at my own jokes, 'cause I'm just that funny, but around you, all I do is smile. I smile because I hope that when we go home and all of this is over, you think about that time in the morning I made you laugh, or that smile I gave you. And maybe you will love me for it."

I looked at her puzzled as she stayed silent and flipped to another page. "She's pretty, really. Dark, curly hair, the same color as her beautiful eyes. You two look so happy. I know I go through times where it'll be nothing but pity on my end, crying and thinking up the worst scenarios of my love life, as if I didn't have my entire life to find that one person. But I am truly happy for you, my old friend. I've always loved you, and I'm sorry we moved away. This isn't a letter to tell you that I believe you are my soulmate. No, this is a letter to thank you. You opened my eyes to see that, no matter what age, no matter how different the homes you were raised in are, love can and will find you. I miss you so much. I promise you, I'll find that one person for me, the one that will stroke my cheek and kiss my forehead and smile at me at the most inopportune times. The one that will let me sleep on his lap when he's not even tired himself, and carry out those silences that you and I used to have, the ones that could last forever, but sang so many words that we could and would have never said. I love you. Thank you. And I hope she makes you happy. I really do."

She looked into my eyes and gave a slight smile. "These are all letters to crushes. I write them to get closure, or to let my feelings out when I couldn't muster up the courage to say them."

"I don't understand," I admitted, still looking at the previous letters.

She stole the book from my hand and grabbed a pen. She started to scrawl in the book and I watched her. Her foot tapped as she thought, her tongue slightly peeking out from her lips.

As she finished writing, the notebook was slid between my two hands. I opened it to the page she had just marked up with purple ink. I began to read aloud, "I promise you, I'll find that one person for me, the one that will stroke my cheek and kiss my forehead – didn't I already read this?"

"Shush, just keep reading," she returned and I continued. "-and smile at me at the most inopportune times. The one that will let me sleep on his lap when he's not even tired himself, and carry out those silences that you and I used to have, the ones that could last forever, but sang so many words that we could and would have never said. I have found that guy. His name is Louis William Tomlinson and he's my best friend. When I see him I smile, no matter what mood I'm in. He makes me happy; he makes me forget about everything wrong in my life and focus on what's great. He's the only reason I'm alive today."

My eyes tuned up to meet hers, staring at me with intensity. I began to speak but her dainty finger placed itself on my lips. "Lou, it's true. I never thought anyone would lift me up the way that you do. These past three or four months have been crazy, but you're always there to make it okay. And I know that I'm not exactly in tip-top shape right now, and I need a lot of work, but I'm willing to do it. I'm willing to do it for you."

"Sydney, this is all really great and I'm not exactly sure what words are the correct ones to say." My fingers reached the hemline of her shorts, I could feel the scabs from her old scars and I felt her twinge a bit when my finger tapped a freshly cut mark. I pursed my lips in disapproval. "I just don't want to hurt you even more then you're already hurting."

"Louis, you're only making me stronger. I'm the one who will end up hurting you. I always am."

At this point she was silenced. I couldn't stand to hear her talk this way about herself, she was too perfect. She made me be serious, and I made her laugh. My lips pressed against hers and waited for response. Her mouth slowly moved to fit in with the curve of my own. Her kiss this time was much more enjoyable last night. The faint vanilla taste drew me in closer, wanting more. My tongue slid itself across her lips, begging for entrance, when she pulled away abruptly.

"Lou, I can't."

"Can't what?" I asked, my fingers running themselves through her curly hair.

"I can't stand to hurt you. I care about you too much."

"Sydney, the only way you're going to hurt me is if you give up on something before it's even begun."

I stared into her calculating eyes, long and hard. I could see tears began to well up in her eyes. I moved my face closer to hers and spoke, "You're my best friend too, and there's nothing that could ever change that. But, I care too much to let you go. I can be selfish too."

Her eyes closed and I pressed my lips faintly on the salty tear running down her face. "I promised not to let anything ever happen to you. And that's exactly what I'm going to do."

We laid down on the bed and my arms snaked around her body and she sobbed into my chest.

"Theresa's going to have a fit." She sobbed, and we both laughed.

"Eh, let her have it," I remarked. "Harry is also going to be disappointed, no more late-night rendezvous."

I expected her to laugh along with me but instead she was silent. The only noise escaping her mouth was heavy breath from slumber. I pulled her close to me and closed my eyes as well. She was finally mine, and I was finally hers.