Hi diddle diddle, time for a…wrong villain. Um, hickory dickory doc, the mouse ran up the new chapter! No, that doesn't work, either. Meh, new chapter here.

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The Scarecrow Letters

Dear Jonathan Crane,

I did what you said. No one noticed. But I don't know if this is good or not. Jake was mean to me and all, but the next day Jake couldn't go to school because his dad hurt him real bad after they argued and had to go to prison, I think. I know Jake was mean, but I feel bad and all those shows on TV and the teachers always say if you do something to the people who are mean to you, you're just as mean. But I know too that sometimes people who do bad things are also nice, like you. You listen to me and no one else does. What do I do?

From Hester-Mae

Dear Hester-Mae,

Poor sweet girl, you did nothing wrong. In fact, you did a lot of good. True, Jake got hurt, but thanks to you it will likely be the last time he ever gets hurt after his father goes to prison. Thanks to you Jake's father was revealed to be the monster that he was and he won't hurt Jake again, and Jake won't hurt you again. So you see? Everything's fine. Do you really think I would let my own darling baby sister do anything bad? Besides, TV is full of brain-rotting junk good only for a laugh and most teachers care more about keeping students from bothering them than they do about actually helping them when they're in trouble. Not me, of course. I always wanted to know my students as best I could, but my brainless colleagues did not see it the same way and had me fired. Alas, it is a harsh world and the people who merely want to help or not be hurt are always the ones to be oppressed and the cruel and unjust are left free to prosper. Remember, I only wish to help you. If the people who tell you to be submissive to those who would take advantage of you and hurt you were really so into justice, than why didn't they help you? Why didn't they stop the cruelty being done to you? They did not. I did. I gave you the knowledge you needed to exact your revenge. I listened to you when you told me how cruel they were. I am here to help you and always will be.

I understand if you still have some qualms with carrying on your revenge after the incident with Jake, but nonetheless I shall leave this last plan here, should you need it. Please continue writing. Your letters are a ray of sunshine in my dank, lonely cell. True, I receive plenty of mail from shall we say misguided individuals thinking they can be me, but yours are the only ones I am even motivated to open.

As a teacher, I have always despised cheaters. Madison H. takes it to another level with blaming her victims for her crimes. Nosocomephobia Molysomophobia Iatrophobia Vaccinophobia Mysophobia. I could easily induce those fears, being a doctor myself, but I doubt that I could easily make it to Arlen from Gotham in a short amount of time. You could fake a cold and hope that she stays away from you and your answers for fear of infection, but that is a gamble, and not theatric enough for my tastes. My suggestion is purposefully infecting her with something virulent. It would be difficult to do so without you getting sick yourself (especially seeing as she seems the type to go to school sick to avoid a potential doctor's visit), but my botanist friend has kindly helped me again. Not intentionally, but out of boredom in the recreational area I picked up a book that she was finished reading that had a marvelous description of a wide variety of poisonous plants.

I understand you have an aversion to this plan, considering your guilt over Jake, but believe me this is for the greater good. While Madison H. is in the hospital she shall have to do her own school work. She will learn that she cannot cheat forever to get anywhere in life. In the end, you will be helping the little brat. It will be a harsh lesson, yes, but one she had best learn while she is still young. Perhaps while she is sick, there will be a test that you will do good on and that she will fail during the make-up session, being unable to cheat off of you. Perhaps this will reveal her for the cheat she is, considering her past history with that other poor child.

Here it is for your consideration: there is a rather potent tree named robina psuedoacacia or the black locust tree. Check out an illustrated book on trees with the black locust, that way you will be able to identify the tree we need. Scrape off some of the bark and powder it, making sure not to breathe in any of it or get any bit in your mouth. Use the same strategy you did for Jake, waiting until no one is looking before slipping some into her food. Choose something covered in pepper or some other substance that will cause her not to suspect. I am not sure how much is necessary to cause a reaction (very unscientific but I am using the resources at my disposal to the best of my abilities) so use only a little bit the first time and slightly up the dose a second time if the first is unsuccessful. And so on until you get a reaction and as the opportunity presents itself. She'll have to be sent to the hospital eventually. When she does, it will serve her right.

Remember: be very careful to make sure no one sees you. The hospital might figure out what caused Madison H. to be sick and will look for a suspect for the poisoning. If you suspect that they might be looking into students, flush all of my letters and poison yourself and some other students to draw suspicion away from you. Do not worry. The tree I picked is not usually deadly, so you'll only be sick for a little while.

Believe me when I say that I love you and only want to help you.

Sincerely,

Jonathan Crane

Sure, Crane. We believe you. Aw, how cute. He's coaching her how to be a serial poisoner, just like her big brother. Methinks Doctor Crane is living out his own revenge on his tormenters through turning Hester-Mae into his Mini Me while thinking that he's only trying to help her.