Here they were, sitting on the sandy beach, letting the cool ocean water wash over them with every wave. On a whim deciding to actually go all the way in and to go for a swim together. Which was quite the task in the waves, but cooling and refreshing and not to forget lots of fun.

He dunked her a few times, she dunked him in return ... like old times. Memories of waterfalls, backyard pools in L.A. and not to forget their honeymoon came flooding back to both of them. And for a moment in time they seem to have forgotten where they were, and why they were here. Forgetting about it all, long enough to find themselves once again in each others arms on the sandy shore. Kissing and touching and the temperature rising again within them.

He crawled over her, smiling mischievously down at her. From the look in his eyes and the smirk on his lips, she knew he was up to no good.

"What's that smirk for?" Innocently looking up at him, like she didn't have clue.

"Oh, I think you know Freckles."

He bend down and kissed her neck seductively, while lowering his body onto hers. It tasted like salty ocean water, but he didn't care ... he savored it. In the back of his mind he knew none of this meant a god damn thing ... none of this mattered. She's leaving again soon and he ain't ever going back to LA. But right this moment as his lips sucked on the spot where he'd just seen the blood under her skin pulsating, he didn't give a damn. He'd take as much as he could get. Love her every minute of the day if she'd let him. Making enough memories to last him a life time, or however long of a life this rock had planned for him.

She bit her lip at the sensation that his lips on her skin caused, and against her better judgment a 'hmmm' escaped her throat. That tingling feeling rising in her stomach again ... she didn't know why everyone always referred to it as 'butterflies' ... this wasn't butterflies, this was too intense to be produced by such a delicate insect.

He placed kisses along her jaw line until he finally reached her lips. Her lips parted as if on command and let his tongue enter. Their tongues seductively playing with each other, the kiss went from sweet and slow to needy and hurried within minutes. Starting that aching for each other in all the right places again. Or wrong places, depending how you'd look at it.

Both her hands disappearing in his hair, pulling him in for this kiss ... this kiss she didn't want to end ... ever. He didn't fight it either, he could never get enough of her in every which way.

There was no such thing as too many kisses, or kissing for too long ... or too much sex for that matter.

No such thing as too in love or too much longing for one another.

No such thing as too much time spend together or too much touching.

When it came to him and his freckles, there was no such thing as enough ... or too much!

He broke from the kiss and slowly worked his way down to her chest. Pushing the bra straps down her arms to reveal her bare chest, he slowly kissed his way to her nipples. Giving both of them equal amounts of his attention, alternating between his tongue and lips and his left hand fingers. Smirking up at her as he watched her gasp for air at the sensation. Her eyes closed, her hands still in his hair, she let the sensation of his lips and caresses wash over her.

Enjoying it, while the waves spilling sand onto both their feet and calves. Although his were covered by his jeans still. Which were heavy now and soaked in water and sand. The heat his body was radiating in stark contrast to the cool ocean water crashing down on them in a rhythmical motion.

His hands reaching underneath her in an attempt to unhook her bra, she stopped him. "What are you doing?"

He cocked his head to the side grinning from ear to ear, "I give you 3 guesses shortcake."

She looked up and down the beach, the sun high in the sky, "Here?" As much as her body tingled all over, and the heat and ache for him grew more and more between her thighs, she wasn't sure about this.

"Why not here?" He was obviously surprised at her rejection of the idea, but in an attempt to change her mind proceeded to kiss her neck again.

Distracted for a fraction of a second she let out a moan. He was good at this. Could so easily distract her with those soft lips and warm hands of his. Letting him proceed with the kisses, she tried to gather her thoughts and spoke up again. Well, more like stuttered, "W-what if ... if they come back? ... Mmmmmmmm" Another moan escaped as he kissed along her earlobe, breathing in her ear seductively ... making her shiver in the process.

Without losing any rhythm in his kisses, his voice whispering low and seductively in her ear, "What if they don't?"

By now he'd managed to get the bra unhooked tossing it nonchalantly above her head, so it wouldn't get caught by the waves and dragged out to sea. Right in that moment, she came to the realization that he'd succeeded, she raised her head and they accidentally head butted each other.

"Son of a bitch." He rubbed his forehead, his eyes closed.

She rubbed hers, her eyes shut tight as if that would help with the pain, but she didn't cuss, instead she muttered "Sorry."

He opened his eyes glancing down at her, "So that wasn't on purpose cause I got the bra off?"

She opened her eyes and looked up at him dumbfounded, shaking her head slightly, "No, of course not."

Smiling again, with that up to no good look in his eyes, "Well, in that case." He cocked his head to the side again. "Why don't you show me just how sorry you are Freckles, 'cause that hurt like a bitch."

Before she could respond his lips were on hers again, as he rolled them both over so she'd be on top instead.

She didn't fight it, at first. His hands gliding up and down the round of her buttocks. The wet fabric not making it a smooth move. As he grabbed it with his big manly hands, she just loved it, but would never tell him.

The sand in all the wrong places was somehow intriguing, bringing back memories of makeshift shelters on the beach somewhere. Late night visits ... sand in all the wrong places, but who cared? But when his fingers started their way under her panties, stretching at her waistband in an attempt to wiggle them off, she broke from the kiss. Bracing herself up on her hands that were left and right of his head and looked down at him, her bare chest pressed against his "I don't know about this Sawyer?"

The spell was broken, the look in her eyes did it. He smiled slightly up at her and kissed the tip of her nose, "What are you so worried about? We're all alone hon'." His voice grew higher, in an almost annoyed kind of way, "We've done it on this very island in a bear cage for god's sake. With the possibility of Picket or Tom or god-knows-who to show up any second, and that didn't stop you or us. So what's this really 'bout? 'Cause it damn sure ain't about them coming back?"

She couldn't look at him, instead she scooted down enough to rest her head on his chest, "I don't know." Her voice so quite, he almost didn't hear her over the waves gushing in the background.

He sighed, his chest rising up and down, then wrapped his arms around her bare back and held on tight, lifting his head for a brief second to kiss the top of her head. "Talk to me." It sounded more like a plea then a command. His voice surprisingly soft considering the rejection he'd just been handed by her. How far they'd come after all ... all grown up. Not all the time, but more and more with time.

Silence filled the air around them, as he waited for any kind of response from her.

How did he know her so well? How did he know she had something to tell him? Is this what love is all about? Knowing and sensing the other persons feelings? Finally she craned her neck, looking up at him. He folded his hands under his head to be able to look at her when she said, "I don't even know where to start?"

Fear had replaced that look of desire in her eyes, but fear of what? Fear of him? He didn't understand what had just transpired between them that got her scared.

"The beginning would be a good place to start?" He smiled sweetly to lighten the mood a little, hoping silently that it would work.

She gave him a half hearted smile, then pushed herself up to a sitting position beside him. Suddenly feeling very exposed, crossing her arms over her chest. He picked up on it and without saying anything just handed her the bra and then sat down beside her.

He pretended to be very interested in the waves just long enough to give her enough privacy to put the bra back on. The both of them sat there staring out at the ocean. Water still reaching their feet. He wrapped one arm around her, and she rested her head on his shoulder.

"We're all fucked up, aren't we?"

He was a little surprised to hear her cuss like that, she barely ever used the f-word ... well, with the exception of the bedroom. She'd use it there sometimes, but still, he was surprised to hear her speak like that. It was very unlike her to talk like that, but come to think of it, a lot of the way she'd acted lately seemed 'unlike' her.

He looked down at her, lifting her chin with his hand to make her look at him. Shaking his head in denial, "Nah, we're not all fucked up, maybe just a little."

She smiled slightly, he did too, then she straightened out her back, "There's something I have to tell you, and I really don't know how to start?" She looked up at him again for a brief moment.

As he sat there with his knees bend, and his arms slung carelessly around them, he picked up a seashell, and started rubbing it mindlessly, but didn't say anything. He suspected she's about to tell him that they are over ... not like he didn't know that already. He figured that much when he lit that damn cabin on fire. He swallowed hard, as he looked down at the seashell in his hand. It wasn't a pretty one, broken, rough around the edges, not the kind Aaron would take home with him and put in his 'treasure' collection ... broken, kinda like them, he thought. Maybe we are all fucked up after all!

Her eyes focused on the ocean and waves in front of them, not daring to look at him anymore.

She pretty much mimicked his position - except for the seashell in hand, he looked just as lost as she was.

There was a good five minutes of silence. Neither of them spoke, or moved or even so much as coughed ... the longest five minutes ever spend, he thought.

She was so scared to tell him, but she'd vowed to herself she would. Sleeping with him this morning wasn't supposed to happen. She cursed herself for letting it get that far ... that's why she had to stop it before it went too far again here on the beach.

She knew it was easy enough to just pretend they weren't failing miserably at this relationship stuff by just having sex. They never seem to have any issues there, mostly because Sawyer was almost like a different person between the sheets. Very nice, sweet and giving if he wanted to be. Listening to every wish, or reading every wish in her eyes. He seemed to know just what she wanted, knew just when to be playful and when not to be. He seemed to sense her mood and her need for intimacy instead of just the act itself. In the bedroom, he was perfect ... no doubt about it. Perfect for her anyways.

Their relationship would last forever if they were able to communicate solely through what happened in the bedroom ... or living room, or kitchen ... she smiled to herself at the thought of where they'd all done it in their house in L.A. Miles or Claire or anyone would never eat another bite at her house if they'd know what had all transpired in that kitchen and on their dining room table. But hey, that's what disinfectant cleaners are for. Her smile faded when she came back from her temporary daydream of them happily ever after. Her house - not their house anymore.

She sighed and then just started talking. There was no pretty way to word this. No sugarcoating any of it. And knowing Sawyer as well as she did by now, she knew he didn't like her beating around the bush. Get to the point, he'd say, so she did right away.

"I was sick." She blurted it out, not daring to look up at him. Her eyes focused on her own feet and legs covered in sand and water.

He swallowed hard, shocked that she was going there. He didn't really think he'd ever have this talk with her. Thought she'd think he died, and she'd go on living cancer free and she'd never know he'd saved her by coming back here and she'd never get to tell him. He didn't say anything, he didn't know what to say. He wasn't prepared for this talk ... not that he was prepared for the 'we're over' talk. Staging your own death had seemed to be the easier choice then talking to her about 'being over'.

When she realized that he wasn't going to say anything, she continued even though she was even more unsure now that he seemed really distant all of a sudden. "About 6 month or so after we got married I found out that I had cancer." She looked up at him, and finally his eyes met hers, but she couldn't read him. She couldn't tell what he was thinking.

Not wanting her to know that he knew, he played along. "What do you mean? You found out you had cancer, but didn't tell me? You knew you were sick and you didn't tell me?" He sucked at this. Used to lie for a living, but totally sucked at this. No way he can pull this one off. He didn't know how to act, or react ... the build up anger too much for him to handle. Clouding his mind to play the role of the husband who just found out. His mind working overtime, wondering how a man would react in this situation ... but failing miserably. What did it matter anyhow how he acted now?

All the anger that had been building up inside of him of how he'd found out about it all and how she'd lied started to come bubbling to the surface like hot lava. He was trying hard to stay calm, but he knew already that this conversation was probably not going to end well for either one of them today.

She knew this was bad, and she knew he'd probably be mad, but still seemed surprised that he'd already looked pissed beyond believe. And she hadn't even told him the part about her leaving him and dying by herself yet. This was definitely going worse then she'd hoped. "Yeah, I was sick and they said it was inoperable and gave me just a couple more months to live."

She tried to look at him again, but he just stared out into the ocean, pretending he didn't feel her eyes searching his for some emotion ... anything other than this.

Out of nowhere he spoke up, "Why didn't you tell me? And why are you telling me now?" He still wouldn't look at her.

"I'm telling you now, 'cause things changed and I'm not sick anymore. The cancer went away, just disappeared somehow." She shrugged her shoulders.

His question came so fast, she barely had time to take a breath, "When were you gonna tell me any of this?"

His voice so cold and she could tell how hard he was trying not to yell at her already. She could see it in his eyes, that evil glint that she really hadn't seen in a long time ... couldn't recall the last time he looked so downright evil. Then she remembered, he was holding Juliets lifeless body and looking up at Jack ... 'you did this'. The memory gave her Goosebumps all over. And how tight his jaw was all of a sudden, like he was literally biting his tongue to keep from lashing out.

"Never." She said, then added, "But that's not all. I-I ..." she stuttered, too scared to say it out loud. The whole truth. Wants to be that person. Wants to be that strong. Wants them to be that strong. Wants them to be that couple. Wants them to be like Desmond and Penny. Bernard and Rose. Cassidy and Shawn. No more lies. No more hiding behind sex. No more.

She had run away from so many things in her life, but never had to fess up to it. No one ever mattered enough to be told the truth until ... until him!

He grew impatient, "I what? Get on with it already!" No sympathy there, no patience either. His voice was harsh and gruff and mean, he wanted her to tell him. This was his chance to get answers and at the same time he didn't wanna hear any of it. But if he had to hear it. If he had to deal with this now, then at least make it quick, he thought. Let's not drag this out any longer then it has to be.

"I wasn't gonna tell you James. I planned on running, leaving before you'd ever know how sick I was." She was ashamed and sorry all the same, but it was out. This big ugly secret she'd carried around with her all this time was finally out.

He threw the seashell into the ocean so fast that it made her flinch at the sudden movement of his arm. For a moment she actually thought he'd hit her. And Wayne flashed into her mind, it was instinct. She couldn't help it. Even though deep down she knew that Sawyer would never do that.

He jumped up and just started walking away. He hadn't even noticed her flinching. He was beyond furious, but hitting her never even crossed his mind. He'd chop his own god damn arm off before he'd ever lay a hand on her like that.

She jumped up to her feet right after him, not really expecting him to walk away like this. "You're not gonna say anything." She hurried after him to try to catch up with his fast and wide strides.

He didn't answer, just kept on walking into the jungle. And at the pace he was going, he and she regretted not putting any shoes on this morning when they went out to the beach. Both their feet stinging with every fast taken step.

She was close to tears, her voice breaking now as she was pleading with him, "James please, say something. Anything!" How did she get here? How did the simple stupid words 'I do' turn her into this person, this pathetic woman running after a man that obviously was done with her.

He stopped fast, spun around and got right in her face. Her eyes grew big as his nose almost touched hers. Anger written all over his face, "Trust me Kate, you don't wanna hear what I've got to say right now. If you know what's good for you, then you'll walk your pretty little ass back to that beach and leave me the hell alone to cool off."

Kate. Only he could make her given name sound like an insult. Now she was Kate again. Hated it. Don't you call me Kate you son of a bitch.

He started walking again, picking up the pace again.

She didn't take his advice, he didn't scare her like that. He's not the kind of man that would ever hit a woman, no matter how angry. At the beach just moments ago, that was just her being that scared little girl again seeing Wayne ... not his fault. Not Sawyers fault. She'd flinch at any man's hand moving like that, not just Sawyers.

And she could handle anything he'd have to say ... anything's better then the silent treatment, isn't it? "James, I'm so sorry. I'm healthy now, I'm not sick anymore. I'd never leave you again, don't you get that? I told you the truth cause I don't want any more secrets between us. I told you the truth because I'd never do that to you again. I want tabula rasa James. I want to start over, clean slate. You forgive me and I forgive you. Come back home with me. ... Say something, please?" Blabbers it all out, with one single breath. When did she become so shameless? Shamelessly loving him?

He stopped again. Stood still, and even though she could only see his bare back, somehow she knew his chest was rising up and down frantically, and his blood was boiling. Call it instinct or that stupid love thing, but she knew how his face looked without seeing it. Knew it. And it did scare her, cause it looked hurt like hell.

Silence, she'd begged him and now there was silence. Then he spoke, without turning around. Didn't look at her when he said, "There is no starting over for us. A tiger doesn't change its stripes. You run and I con. Maybe both of us are better off if we finally come to accept who we really are and move on." His voice drained of all emotion ... unbelievably so. Not angry, not anything ... void and empty ... scary empty.

He started walking again, but she stopped. She stopped running after him, because of the tears that were now pouring down like rain. And her knees, how they were giving away. Buckling under her. There she was. Surrounded by jungle, the beach somewhere behind her, the houses somewhere ahead, but not in sight quite yet. Barefoot in her bra and panty. Crying. Her world spinning around her. The end.

Lost.

What now? Needs to get the hell of this island. Needs to find a boat or something. Needs to go home to Aaron. Needs to go home to Clem. Needs to ... nothing. No claim on Aaron or Clem. No claim on Sawyer anymore. She's got nothing left.

Wants to just fall over and die right here and now.

Wishes she'd pass out now, hit her head hard and just put an end to it all. He was the only reason left to fight. Left to hold on and dust yourself off and go on for. But now? No reason left. Death doesn't sound so bad right this moment.

Somehow she ends up on the dirty ground. Curled up and crying on the jungle floor. Wants this fucking pain to just stop. Wants her heart to stop hurting ... prays to god for her heart to stop beating.

Shoes on his feet. A shirt on his back. Axe in hand. He had time to process everything ... sort of. The blood pressure normalizing again ... thinking more clearly again. Man on a mission now. Getting started on that raft he'd promised her. Tries to imagine what the raft should look like. Tries hard to think about which tree to chop down, what the right size would have to be ... but can't think that clearly just yet.

Her ... always her on his mind.

Why the hell did I say that? What the hell is wrong with me? We're not all fucked up Freckles. I am. Just me.

He knew why. Wanting to make her hurt just because he was hurting. Saying all the wrong things just to make her feel the same pain. Like she hadn't gone through enough pain already, thinking he'd died.

Should turn back around, find her at the beach ... apologize. Hell, there's a notion that he hadn't had in a while. He's fine saying sorry to just about anyone who doesn't matter ... but why does it always seem so much harder to say when it came to the only person that did matter. He knew it didn't make any sense, but that's how he felt.

Nah, he needs to cool off more ... and she probably does too. Can just see her now sitting there at the beach. Pouting like a child at how mean he was. Same old same old ... and yet it felt different. He felt different. Time traveling would be nice right about now. Go back ... do over. Turn around, face her. Say 'I'm sorry, but I can't come home' ... say 'I love you, always have and always will, but I can't come back home' ... so much to say, but so little courage to do so! So much easier to be mad then sorry.

Wondering why she'd even want him back. Why? Didn't make sense? How did he end up being the one fuming like a volcano, when he's the one who'd left her? He's the one who staged his death and left! She had never gotten around to actually leaving him.

And come to think of it. If he hadn't known about the island's abilities to fix her. If he hadn't known what to do ... a sacrifice. Him staying here protecting this hellhole so she'd be good as new. She wouldn't have died alone anywhere. The day she'd disappear on him, he'd be speeding down the interstate ... address and picture of the damn hospice in his pocket.

Would have never let her leave, ... would've told the truth. Would have caught her. Would've told her that he knew, and he'd be there with her to the very fucking end. Would not have taken no for an answer.

Maybe find some happy pills somewhere ... the kind that don't end so happy when taken too many of. Maybe put an end to the both of them together ... like Romeo and J ... like Sawyer and Freckles, live together don't die alone! 'Cause truth be told, he can live without her, knowing she's alright somewhere. It ain't easy, but do-able. But he couldn't live without her, knowing she had died. No way ... not her! Those damn tears again, ... grown ass man, axe in hand and all ... feels like little old Karl, crying in the jungle ... 'thought you guys are supposed to be tough.'

And she's different too. God, how she's so different. How she was begging for him ... should have melted his fucking heart. And it did, but at the same time it didn't. The wounds still too fresh, the hurt still too real ... that picture of that fucking hospice, her hide out, burned into the back of his mind. But then that god damn nagging feeling comes back again ... the one that always comes back when something just doesn't seem quite right. She's different cause the doc ain't here to fall back on. Would have never stood there begging him, if the doc was still an option. He doesn't know that to be a fact, but in his mind it always is just that. A fact. Love doesn't conquer all.

It'll be alright. He'll think of something to make it all right. He can fix it. He will fix it. He has to fix it.

Mad at himself now more than he was at her, he starts chopping down the first tree. Doesn't know if it's the right size. Doesn't really care. Can't think mathematics now ... can't think of anything but her.

Wipping tears away furiously now, stomping through the jungle.

She just had her meltdown back there. All cried out now. Done. Done the moment she remembered. Can't be wishing for death when she got something to live for after all.

But I'll be damned if I tell him now. I'll leave this place, and he'll never know about this baby. If there is a baby. All the sadness has turned to anger now. Can see why Cassidy hated him so much for all these years, once the lovey dovey shit wore off.

She finally reached the house. He was gone ... thank god. Didn't wanna see him now. Probably hit him again like she had at the rec room after he'd first told her the truth. That he was behind it all, not Ben.

No starting over for us. Crystal clear. We are done.

She got dressed. Packed all the food and water she could fit into her back pack. She knows there's no boat to be found anywhere, but she can't sit around here doing nothing.

Goes exploring, wants to see what else there is to this island. Followed the shoreline already, not much to see. So she goes for a walk in the jungle. And she doesn't wanna feel like it, but she feels it anyways. Feels like she's proving him right, but she just can't stop her damn feet from moving. Is she running again? Maybe!

End Notes:

I know Kate seems all over the place in this chapter. She's not making much sense with her antics and all ... flirty, shy, scared, brave, truthful, shameless, suicidal and then pissed off again ... just to name a few ... or maybe those are all of them :) But rest assured there is a reason why she's acting all 'weird' and out of character, it's not just bad writing on my part ... Not wanting to give too much away, but could it be 'hormones raging'? *wink -wink*

Thank you all for still reading and please, please leave a review. I'm dying to know what'ya all are thinking. Your thoughts and opinions are what keep me going. Thank you!