Chapter 13 – Occurrences in Context

There was, as a matter of course, a debate over the viability of my going out to hunt. It would seem that the newly converted, or newborns - a term I found highly ironic - were not known for their self control. With a number of small towns in close proximity, there was significant concern over my ability to handle myself, should I come in contact with a human.

While Edward and Jasper argued over what I could or could not do, I wandered over to Emmett, who was watching the exchange with great amusement. He raised his eyebrows at me, shaking his head slightly to indicate he didn't understand. I rubbed my stomach, a childish gesture that worked well to communicate my intent.

Just go, he mouthed, inclining his head towards the hallway. I frowned, shaking my head and pointing at Edward. Go, he mouthed again, his gaze darting back to Carlisle, who had stepped into the fray, trying to balance both sides of the conversation.

When Emmett was sure no one was watching he reached out, placing one large hand on my hip and pushed me in the direction of the hallway, the heavy carpet muffling my steps as I stumbled forward. I shot him a dirty look, but that didn't stop Emmett. He stood, blocking the path out of the living room behind me, and jabbed his finger at the hallway impatiently. Go.

Rosalie leaned forward in her chair, nodding agreement. I glanced back into the room, where Edward, Jasper and Carlisle were all still deep in debate. They'd not noticed Emmett's encouragement or my motion. The time for talking and analysis paralysis was over.

"You can talk all day," I announced, backing out of the living room. "I'm going. Whoever wants to come babysit me can."

I spun on my heel, not stopping when Carlisle called after me, "Bella, wait!"

Everything happened in a bit of a blur. Emmett turned sideways, allowing Edward to slip by him. The moment Edward was through, Emmett turned and straightened up to his full height – his broad shoulders making it impossible to pass him without either knocking him over or doing physical damage to the furniture around him.

"It's not safe!" Carlisle called, but Edward was already in motion. He grabbed my hand and dragged me towards the large doors in the kitchen, the rooms whipping by us in a blur of motion.

"Back in a bit, don't wait up," he called hastily, throwing the backdoor open so hard it slammed against the wall with an earsplitting crack. "They can't catch us," Edward promised as we all but flew away from the large white house, the trees streaking by. "I can outrun them all, and you're young; they can't stop you, not even Emmett."

"Not like Emmett is going to try," I said, sidestepping a large boulder to follow Edward through the trees. "Where are we going?"

"Up, into the forest. It will be away from people, so you won't have to worry about temptation."

Temptation. Yet another thing I'd not considered in my rash move to meet my fate head on. I'd jumped before taking the time to understand what this life meant. Were there rules or constraints that I would have to live by? What could hurt me, or potentially end my life? Would it always be hard for me to be around humans or would I grow comfortable with it, so that in time I could interact with people the way the Cullens did? I'd just found my father and started putting down roots in a place that I could call my own; I didn't want to lose that, not yet.

Beyond the questions and the fears, there was something that burned deeper, a curious longing that gnawed at me since I woke up from my epic sleep. When first told about the prophecy, and later about Alice's ensuing visions, I'd been angry at the Cullens for lying to me. They'd dabbled in my life, bringing me back to the one place I never knew existed, which also held the greatest threat, all to create some new vampire world order. I'd believed that, or at least a variation, until I'd woken up to find Esme hovering over me like a doting mother, and Carlisle looking at me with awe and admiration. Everyone had looked past the aspirations, the great future, to see a girl, warts and all, who just wanted to belong, and accepted me for that.

I stewed on the concept as Edward and I ran together, up hills and over jagged rock formations, dodging large trees and easily scaling those that had fallen across our path. The only sound was that of the wilderness around us, chirping birds, rustling leaves in the branches high above, and the intermittent call of a wolf far in the distance. I lost myself in the sounds, allowing them to sweep away the questions that swirled about me. The beauty of this uncharted world placated me, wrapping me in a gentle embrace, the simplicity and elegance of life giving me hope that there might be something better out there after all.

With Edward leading the way through the forest, we cleared an amazing distance in no time. To our east were large mountains, their craggy faces reaching towards the sky with fierce solemnity. Every once in a while, Edward would glance back in my direction, as if he was concerned that I might not be able to keep up or that I'd slipped away. When our eyes would meet, he would quickly turn away, his expressions shuttered and unreadable. Everyone else had been such an open book, encouraging and supportive, yet Edward remained an enigma to me, closed and protective of whatever it was he might be thinking.

After an indeterminate amount of time, he stopped at the crest of a hill, the wind gently wafting up through the valley below to ruffle his hair, which was mussed from our run. Below us, stretched out like a long winding snake, was a river where a herd of deer waded in the shallows. Edward held up his hand, an indication for me to wait where I was. Before I could respond, he was off, flying down the embankment with blinding speed, and was upon the herd before they knew to run. I watched in shock and awe as Edward grabbed the short blunt tips of a buck that'd not yet developed his full rack. The buck brayed, alerting the herd who scattered at the intrusion, sprinting along the banks of the river, water splashing in their frenzy to get away. When the mêlée cleared, Edward was left, soaked to the bone, holding the blunted tips of two struggling bucks, one in each hand, like a conquering hero.

"Dinner for two?" he called up the hill, his eyes raised to me in innocent glee. Faint rays of sunlight had broken through the clouds, dappling the entire valley in warm light. He was beautiful and exotic, and the entire scene took my breath away. I'd never believed in fate or destiny and had longed for something more, something magical that would solidify my place in

someone's life. Even in my wildest dreams, it had never come close to anything as confusing or convoluted as this, yet I knew, deep down that the more I fought, the harder it would be to resist.

"Come on, Bella," Edward called after me again, his voice light. "I got you a seat with a view."

I wanted to relax, to allow myself to give into a primal instinct or urge to consume what Edward was offering, but the hunger for these animals didn't come. I watched as they struggled in his grip, awed by their sheer size, and slightly horrified at what their capture meant. Something in my expression must have betrayed my apprehension, for Edward nodded slowly, the corners of his mouth turning up in a gentle smile.

"Come down and I'll walk you through it," he promised. His voice was soft, reminding me of our first meeting in the woods, and how cautiously he'd approached me. I'd been a skittish mare, one that he patiently held his hand out to, offering kind words to calm me down. With a few exceptions he'd always been that way. He could be kind when we were not provoking each other.

"I'm scared," I admitted. This was real, and I would be killing something. The liquid in the cup had been blood, but there had been no loss, no body attached, at least not that I knew of.

Another gust of wind whipped up through the valley, grabbing the ends of my hair and swirling them around my face. In one smooth motion, I jerked my head, flipping my hair out of my eyes. My muscles didn't protest at the sudden movement, and I fought back a wave of strange nostalgia. I'd spent years getting neck spasms from flipping my hair, and now it was all gone. My hair trailed out behind me, like ribbons in the breeze, and all I could think was no more…

"I don't know if I can do this, Edward," I said. There was a knot in my throat – fear at destroying an animal, mourning for what I'd lost, terror for what lay ahead.

"It's going to be okay," he promised, walking forward slowly. His arms were extended, holding the bucks securely in place, their heads forced down so that they wouldn't fight as he led them out of the water. "I'll be with you every step of the way. It will be okay."

I nodded, forcing myself to focus on his confidence, and not on what I needed to do. Of all the things I'd not thought through, the most basic of which was the actual mechanics of being a vampire. When I was seventeen, I'd gone about sex the same way, choosing a local boy and getting it over with, focused more on the end game than the actual event. As I recalled, I'd had the same reactions then, too. Being a vampire and losing my virginity were both approached with the same focus. Forget the logistics in between like blood and condoms and the death of a part of you. Why consider those things at all when the end state was the goal? It seems that I'd spent all my life that way, focusing on the end, and not the journey in between.

With a deep breath, I started slowly down the hill, trying to repress the nagging fear that was bubbling up inside of me.

"I wish I could get in that head of yours," Edward said as I climbed over a fallen tree. "I just want to help, and you are so hard to reach." He smiled, and with the breeze rifling through his hair, he was surreal and perfect, drawing my attention away from what I was about to do.

"You don't want to read my mind right now," I said, stopping a few feet from him. Beyond us, it was easy to make out fish swimming lazily upstream, the first of the salmon on their migration north to spawn. "Maybe that's why no one can get in my head, it's such a convoluted mess."

Edward bowed his head, in what I could only describe as embarrassment. "Maybe it's not a convoluted mess. Maybe we simply aren't meant to touch that part of you. You stand apart, mystical even to creatures like us."

"You make me sound so special," I said, "I'm just me. I'm just-"

"Bella," Edward finished for me. "You are Bella. That is special." He released one of the bucks, given it a nudge to run. The deer brayed again, then sprinted away, kicking up water and stones in his flight. "Come on, I'll help you."

He easily jerked the other buck forward, out of the water, and forced it down onto the rocky shore. The buck, which, when it was standing, had been as tall as Edward, struggled under his hands, fighting and trying to force his way up.

"Don't look at his eyes," Edward cautioned me as I approached. "I made that mistake the first time. Look here," he tapped a point on the deer's neck with his free hand. The pulse thumped just below the animal's skin, and with it, I could feel the percussion of his heart, tapping a gentle beat through my body, which was hypnotic and elemental. Edward was aware of the sounds and how they lulled me, encouraging me on. "Good, now close your eyes and breathe deep," he instructed. "Let go, let your body feel this. Don't think…just be."

With the trees and river shut out, I was more aware the deer stretched out in front of me, the pounding of his heart louder than it had been before. There was a pungent, peaty scent saturating the air, reminding me of the way the forest had smelled behind my grandmother's house. Wild and free and full of life. This was primal, exotic, almost sexual the way my body burned, my desire for this animal and the throbbing life force stronger than any sexual desire or longing I'd known.

"Good, now give me your hand," Edward instructed softly. "Don't open your eyes."

I did as I was told, raising my arm slowly. His fingers wrapped around my wrist, guiding me towards the deer and the rich, tantalizing scent of blood. The animal's skin was blazing hot beneath my hand, the large vein pounding out a staccato beat against my palm.

"Trust yourself," Edward murmured, releasing my wrist. "Let go."

That's exactly what he did, letting go of me and the buck at the same time. The animal hesitated for just a millisecond too long, maybe not quite realizing it was free. By that point, I was close enough, both in body and in mind, and was able to react without thinking. My arms flew around the buck's neck, using my body to pin him back against the ground. Unbidden, my lips sought out the hot skin, and I shuddered as my mouth made contact with the coarse fur
at the animals neck. The pulsing blood just below the surface was hammering in my head, the drumming of the deer's heart so loud that I had to shut it out for fear of losing my mind.

My teeth sank easily into the muscle and sinew, like a rock through wet paper, and when the blood hit my tongue, I sighed in relief. The fluid was hot and pungent and rich, coating my throat and dousing the fire that had started to rage out of control. I drank in long, greedy pulls, no longer repulsed by the animal that lay dying beneath me. Only when the loud thumping in my head ceased and my desperate need was satisfied did I allow myself to look up.

Edward sat, a hundred yards down the river, on a large boulder looking up at the sky. His back was to me, his broad shoulders slightly bowed from looping his arms around his bent knees.

I stood, swiping the back of my hand across my mouth to wipe away the remnants of my feeding frenzy. When I drew it back, there was a streak of blood across my knuckles, brilliant scarlet. I started at it for a moment before licking it away greedily, like the final tiny crumb of a gourmet meal.

"That wasn't that bad, was it?" he asked, not looking back at me. "Once you stopped thinking."

"I do stupid things when I don't think," I admitted, high on the blood and the rush that came with new knowledge. "That's how I ended up here. I accepted things at face value. I goaded you."

"You ended up here because you didn't have a say," Edward answered sarcastically. "Neither of us does, even though you believe otherwise. You need to stop fighting and accept it."

We seemed to bring that out in each other, a push and pull, a fire that was not rational or thought out. He kept insisting that it was all pre-ordained, and this was my chance to finally learn why.

"You keep saying that, but I don't understand." I stepped around the deer, which lay limply
at the water's edge, his big brown eyes open and unseeing. "Why don't we have a say?"

Edward cocked his head to the side, watching as a hawk circled overhead. "Do you see him, up there? He's following his instincts. That's what we all do – we follow the path that has been laid out for us. You have yours, I have mine, and now they are intertwined. Short of death, our lives are joined forever."

I wasn't sure if I was ready for that sort of commitment or declaration yet. I hardly knew him, and while I was intellectually and physically attracted to Edward, there were still a lot of holes. Ones that he needed to start filling. "What about things that haven't happened yet?"

Edward smiled and shook his head ruefully, never letting the hawk out of his sights. "Don't you get it, Bella? The prophecy, Alice's visions, they are all leading up to some grand showdown, where you bow down to Aro, and I follow along like some trained puppy to keep you happy. We are both going to be at his disposal, watching as the world marches on. We couldn't fight this, not even if we tried. This is the life we are fated to live. It's time to accept it."

A few feet away, a fish broke the surface, a splash of water breaking the quiet burbling of the river.

"You said I would torture you," I whispered, unable to raise my voice any higher. "Is this what you meant? How I made you attack, and how you can't get away?"

"Part of it," Edward admitted, his voice husky. "The worst part of it is that I don't care. And it's because of where it leads, and what it means."

"I don't understand?"

He sighed, his eyes still fixed on the hawk overhead. "If you can perpetuate the prophecy, and I can make you happy, who I am to question? I've spent my entire life waiting for this. If anything, the reality will be better than the waiting."

"I don't believe that there isn't a way to change things," I said, a little louder now. "Alice's visions are sound bytes, which, out of context, can mean a lot of different things. The same could be said for whatever it is that has you turned around. It's all about the context, Edward."

He swiveled slowly on the rock, his legs straightening out to provide stability as he leaned forward to face me.

"You want context?" he said, his words measured and angry. "Which one would you prefer? Where I see you bowing to Aro, your hand offered up in supplication while we all watch? Or the constant iterations of me chasing you, and you tormenting me with your words and accusations, always out of reach as I try to live up to what you want me to be. Do you want to know that, for the past sixty years, I've watched myself falling in love with you via Alice's visions, and I've been helpless to stop it or understand why? And then you show up here, clueless as to everything, and I get sucked right in?"

He was off the rock, moving towards me quickly, his eyes dark and angry. "Do you have any idea how frustrating it was to watch everything play out, and be completely helpless to stop it? I've seen you giving up, Bella. There is nothing to fight for."

Edward's angry tirade crystallized it all for me - my dreams, me bowing down to Aro, Edward. They were three pieces of a puzzle, all joining together to form a picture which, in different contexts, could mean radically different things. In my dreams, Edward had saved me. In his reading of Alice's mind, Edward saw me turn the other way, shunning him to follow in Aro's stead. Both Edward and Aro believed that I would buckle and fall, when I hadn't even been aware that I could stand.

But, the thing was, I could stand. That was Esme's point in the bathroom. I might not be a leader, but I was an individual – I could make my own decisions, which would form my own path. So could everyone else.

"So stop it," I said, not willing to give in to the future that Edward believed. "Take control."

"All the world is your stage," he said, eyes dropping to the ground. "We are but backdrops in your production. In the end, the applause is only for you."

He was so bitter, and I finally had enough information to understand why. To spend his life, waiting for the inevitable, feeling incapable to change a thing. Had Edward rebelled, trying to turn away this destiny? Or had he waited for me, believing that this could not be avoided?

None of this was fair. We'd both lost our lives in different ways – Edward in waiting, me in running. So much time lost.

"I'm sorry," I murmured. "I didn't know. Not about any of this. I didn't…"

There was no point in making excuses, for we both knew the truth. We'd been pawns for too damn long. It was time for that to end.

"I am not going to run, but I'm not going to go blindly either," I said, trying to sound braver than I felt. "I am not willing to accept that this is the only way."

Because everyone had fought for me, I wanted to say. And someone should fight for you.

I took a deep breath, willing myself to find the strength and courage that I didn't feel, and raised my hand to touch Edward's cheek. His skin was warm under my fingers, and I flattened my palm against it, marveling at how different he felt from before. I replayed all of our interactions - `the awkward fits and starts, the way he would approach and withdraw, or the strange moods that I didn't understand. I'd accused him of lying to me, deceiving me to win me over. It'd been the opposite. Edward had fought our connection with everything in him, and yet here we were. We'd always come back together, because together and united was where we could be strong.

"I dreamed about you," I said, bringing my other hand up to his face. "Always you. And then you showed up in the forest behind my house, and it was so overwhelming. You were always there, the one to save me when I thought I was lost. You kept me from running away and gave me the courage to be strong. You fought for me, but who fights for you?"

Edward closed his eyes, as if shutting out the light would block my words too. Without those sad, tawny eyes staring back at me, he looked so young, very much the seventeen year old just on the brink of manhood. He should have been off, living his life, not frozen in place, decades waiting for his destiny to play out.

Impulsively, I tipped my head back, and balanced on tiptoe so that I could press my lips to his forehead, breathing deep as I did. That same heady scent, cinnamon and pine, was so much stronger than before, and tinged with something deeper, rich and calming like old books and leather.

These were the scents of comfort, of aspirations. I'd always thought that they were tied to my personal preferences, my love of reading or of the things I wished for. I'd been so wrong. Everything I'd ever wanted or needed; it all had always been about him. He was the combination of all the enigmatic preferences that had jumbled together over my scattershot life, the one consistent comfort. With him I'd always felt safe; not from outside threats or what people wanted, but to be myself.

I kissed the bridge and then the tip of his nose, continuing to breathe deep all the scents that had been home and confidence during my short time in Forks. I could feel his breath against my lips, warm puffs of air mixing with the cooler wind that gently drifted through the narrow space between us.

"We can change things if we choose," I whispered, "we lend the context. Only we can decide how this will end. You and me, Edward, no one else. Nothing in this mess is literal other than what we believe."

Edward didn't move when I kissed him, his lips stiff but soft against mine. It almost deterred me, all the insecurities and memories of being less than enough bubbling up through me like a fresh assault on an old wound. But I couldn't pull away or give up. That's what he expected - what Aro expected. I might not be a great queen or a leader, but I could stronger than I had given myself credit for, and I would not back down. Nor would I fall.

Without telltale signs, like heartbeats, physical reactions cannot be gauged. No thrumming pulse visible at the throat, no flush of pink across the cheeks to show excitement. I had to go by sense and instinct, hoping that the decisions I made were correct, and that I could repair damage that had been wreaked long before I ever arrived to make a wake. When I kissed him again, Edward's lips were still stiff, but a gentle pressure at my back, his hand flattening against my spine, held me in place and encouraged me to soldier on.

"I know what you are doing," I whispered before kissing him again. "If you want me to chase you to even things out, I will. You aren't just a backdrop to me. You saved me. You kept me safe. You fought for me, and I will fight for you."

He gave a little, his mouth relaxing as I continued to wear him down, plying one kiss after another to prove that there was some control to be claimed beyond the predetermination he so fervently insisted was real. When his lips finally did soften and finally move under mine, I wanted to cry in relief, my arms snaking around Edward's neck to hold on tighter. Slowly, the wall began to crumble, each kiss growing a little bit more, until we were tightly wrapped around each other, my hand knotted in the hair at the base of his neck, holding on for fear that he would pull away.

That's when it happened, the shot in the dark, the bolt of lightning that crystallized everything in a crisp, brilliant flash of light. I'm not sure who initiated, or how it came to pass…the lightest swipe of tongue across a lip or a gasp of unnecessary breath, but suddenly the kiss was on fire, all hesitation or trepidation falling in tatters on the forest floor. I could breath him in, taste him, feel his mouth warm against mine, and it would never be enough. It had all been a long slow progression to this point, and Edward was right, there was nothing we could do to stop it.

I didn't want to.

Edward pulled me tighter against his body, forcing me to tip my head back even further to maintain the kiss as it slowly burned me from the inside out. I was giddy and overwhelmed, and all I could think was more...more of this, more of him, more of everything. I let my hands drop to his chest, hesitating for a moment before starting to work at the buttons on his oxford, clumsy because I was too distracted by him to be coordinated or subtle. In less than a split second, Edward had my wrists locked in a vice grip, his eyes open wide in confusion and shock.

"What are you doing?" he demanded, his voice rough and low.

"What do you think I am doing?" I shot back, fighting to keep my voice steady. "I'm chasing you."

He dropped my wrists and stepped back, away from me. There was an audible crack as he collided with the rock, one hand slipping back to spot himself so he could vault over the rock to land gracefully on the other side. I watched mystified as Edward worked to refasten the button I'd popped free, a scowl marring his handsome face. "This isn't about being chased, Bella. It still doesn't change things."

He was flustered, scrambling for composure. In the short time I'd known Edward, he'd been many things; shy, awkward, angry, but never flustered. He was acting like a scared little boy.

"What's wrong? You're acting like you've never kissed a girl-"

I stopped abruptly, the look on Edward's face, his reaction suddenly making absolute sense. He had waited. For sixty years, for a lifetime, it didn't matter. He'd waited for me.

"I have too," Edward answered brusquely, completely unaware of my realization. "I am a gentleman. I do not kiss and tell."

My smile grew, as I replayed the entire scene over in my head. No wonder he'd bolted. "I was your first kiss, wasn't I? You waited all this time so that I would be your first kiss."

Edward opened his mouth, ready to rebut my question, but then his face literally transformed, the frown morphing into a look of incredulity. His eyes swept over my body, then the surroundings, and his eyes grew even larger.

"What?" I demanded. "What's wrong?"

He threw his head back, laughter ringing through the forest. When he finally dropped his head to look at me, a delighted smile was stretched across his face, the polar opposite of the scowl he'd leveled at me just a minute before. In three long strides, he was back in front of me, his hand tipping my chin back so that I had to look directly into his eyes.

"That's what you said to me in Alice's vision," Edward said, his expression fierce and victorious. "You were wearing this sweater, and we were kissing, and then we were far apart and you were laughing and asking me if I'd never kissed a girl before. I always thought you were making fun of me because I was a bumbling idiot, being mean, but you weren't. You changed the context."

He brushed his mouth across mine in what was intended to be a quick kiss, but neither of us could pull away - the attraction was too strong. We were entwined, arms wrapped tightly around each other, all mouths and tongues and desperate for more.

"We will come back to this, I promise," he murmured against my lips. "I waited forever for you, and I want to have the time to enjoy it. You just gave me a reason to believe."

Edward released me and ran a hand through his hair, mussing it back into its normal disarrayed mess. Then he reached out to pull my hair back away from my face, holding it at the nape of my neck like a ponytail.

"You're acting crazy -" I started, but Edward chimed in to finish my statement with me.

"-and all over the place," he said, his smile vibrant. "I saw that too. You're right. It's context. Which means if I was wrong about this, then there are other things I could've been wrong about too. There might be an alternative after all."

He wrapped my hair around his fist, and then fanned out his fingers, letting my hair fall gently back to my shoulders, his eyes focused on the way the strands fell in the soft afternoon light. Reluctantly, he released my hair and extended his hand.

"Come on, Isabella," Edward said, his voice even and confident. "You and I are going to go change the world."

With fingers twined together, we ran, back towards the house and what came next. Alice had been right, everything did cycle together; the visions, the prophecy, as well as our understanding, all turning and evolving around itself. Parts had come true, where as other facets had evolved, revealing details that could and would change everything.