Disclaimer: Bioware owns all, except what I most humbly create. While, at times, I will take verbatim from the game, I mostly use the events of the Dragon Age games, expansions and universe as a loose structure around which to construct my re-imagined tale. If you are looking for a strict canon piece, I have no desire to offend, and so I warn you upfront!
When reading this tale, I hope you can easily imagine it being told by the very best of storytellers in Varric (from DA:2). In my version of events, Varric meets "The Hero" (my Elissa Cousland) in Kirkwall during the time period of DA:2. I mention this only so that readers can understand his connection along the way, and so I don't have to mention and rehash it again and again as I make my way through the tale.
A/N: A bit of risque banter included herein. Apologies to those who love Anders in advance. I love him still! Forgive me! :)
Muse Music: What It Feels Like For A Girl by Madonna
Thanks to my readers, followers and reviewers, and to my Lady Beta artemiskat. I had a great time with this one, hope you enjoy it too!
Happy Reading!
-Frayed One
Chapter Fourteen: Remembering How It Feels To Be A Girl
"What's this then?" Anders said, eying the small coin purse Elissa had laid out in front of him and noting that everyone except Justice and Zevran had one as well. "Are we getting a proper allowance now?"
"I feed you, clothe you, arm and house you. You aren't left wanting for anything." Elissa snorted, recounting Nathaniel's share before she tossed it over to him and checked off the notation in her journal.
"Oh… I don't know… I think some might agree we are left wanting quite often…" Anders snarked, waggling his eyebrows at her suggestively.
"He has a point, my Warden…" Zevran replied, chuckling low in his chest and sharing an appreciative look with Nathaniel that earned them both a glare.
"Yes, well, I suggest you grow accustomed to being left wanting for that for quite some time." Elissa snipped, rolling her eyes and dropping her journal to the table with a slap. "Honestly, do I need to set you lot up with a tab at The Pearl while we're in Denerim?"
"When are we going to Denerim?" Nathaniel asked, his smile fading slightly as he thought on the list of things that could possibly draw them to the capital.
"In two days. There is a function to honor the Wardens who died during The Blight and unveil the new Warden Enclave and Memorial in the Royal Quarter." Elissa explained, her eyes flickering quickly away from his as though she could read his thoughts. "We're going into Amaranthine today so that we can acquire acceptable attire for the occasion."
"Commander, I have not been given a budget." Justice noted, and Elissa cringed realizing she should probably have addressed that earlier, and without an audience.
"I'm sorry, Justice. It's a royal affair and since we can't put you in full plate and helm, it will be near impossible to hide the fact that you're… well, dead." Elissa explained, sending a stern look in Anders' direction when he started to laugh. "I understand, and I think that The King would if I explained it to him, which I intend to… but I don't think that this is the best time to broach that particular subject. His nerves will be raw enough as is."
"I understand. My appearance is, startling I am sure." Justice replied, unphased by her logical request or Anders' inappropriate laughter. "If I am to remain at The Keep, is there anything that I can oversee in your absence?"
"Actually, yes… but we will speak of that later. For now, go and see Master Wade. He's been working on some new breathable armor that should help with the… issues you've been having of late." Elissa replied, sharing a nod with the Spirit as he left the room.
"Issues." Anders snorted, folding his arms across his chest and glaring after the man as he lumbered away. "That's such a nice way to say the stench of your rotting corpse of a body is making us all vomit, so we've had to invent special armor on your behalf."
"Anders, you are the only one who has nearly vomited – much the way as you always seem to vomit." Elissa retorted, glaring at him. "You have the constitution of a twelve year old girl, and that's nothing to be proud of!"
"Hey!" Anders replied, brow furrowing.
"Don't wake the dragon first thing in the morning, darling. It never works out well." Elissa grinned, irritated still but doing her best to recover. "Justice is trapped here in a body that is rapidly deteriorating. I cannot save it, and I have no idea what will happen to him once it is gone. Being on the brink of losing one's self is a terrifying prospect, Anders. I suggest you think on that the next time you think his condition is most difficult for you!"
"So… I assume there are guidelines for these fancy duds we're supposed to be picking out?" Sigrun asked, waiting for Elissa to continue after she was certain the mage had been sufficiently cowed.
"Yes. Formal attire only. No armor or anything resembling armor. Men in shirts and slacks, even you Anders." Elissa said, snapping his mouth shut as she answered his question before it'd been asked. "Women in dresses, and yes, that means me as well."
"A rare treat indeed…" Zevran purred, winking at her.
"Laugh it up, chuckles." Elissa grumbled, rolling her eyes. "Colors are restricted to dark blue with silver accents. There's enough coin in those purses to cover a full ensemble, footwear included, so long as you don't have it lined in gold or something equally ridiculous."
"What? Why is everyone looking at me?" Anders gasped, feigning innocence as he glanced around the room. "Gold chafes anyway…"
"Make sure there is a griffon emblem somewhere on the back of the garment. I would suggest the back of a tunic or jacket or the train of a dress." Elissa continued, turning her eyes to Oghren as he started to mumble to Zevran. "And no, Oghren, your bum is not an acceptable spot to have it placed regardless of what Zevran might tell you."
"Damn you, blasted woman!" Oghren grumbled, opening his flask. "Never let me have any fun. I bet the piker would get a laugh."
"Perhaps… still, I say there will be no ass griffons. If I even think you've done something like that I'll cut your alcohol supply off for a month!" Elissa insisted, ignoring the string of curses he spouted off. "I mean it, Oghren!"
"Aye!" Oghren snorted, folding his arms and looking cross.
"Alright. Daylight is wasting." Elissa said, setting them all in motion with a wave of her hands. "Zev, you'll steer the cart. Sigrun, Oghren and Anders can ride there. We'll have too much to carry back to take horses. Nathaniel and I will ride point."
"So feisty in the mornings! I had almost forgotten." Zevran whispered, trailing his fingers over her arm as he strolled out the door, leaving she and Nathaniel to bring up the rear.
As the sun began its way back down to the horizon, the unusually jovial crew made their way back to The Keep with a wagon full of boxes. Elissa had collected the remainder of Kristoff's belongings from the tavern while Nathaniel shared a brief visit with Delilah and the others took an evening meal.
"I think if you attempt to avoid Delilah next time, she's going to have my head as a consequence." Nathaniel joked, settling Nocturne into pace at Elissa's side.
"I know…" Elissa sighed, fretting with her hair as she always did when she was anxious. "I feel horrible avoiding her, it's just hard to know what to say. So much has changed…"
"She doesn't blame you for Father's death, Elissa." he insisted, tilting forward to catch her eyes. "You know that. What's really keeping you from going to see her?"
"The simple answer is, you. I saw the look on her face when I told her we weren't together and that I planned to… She blames me for that." she answered, taking in a deep breath. "I've only just managed to get you to stop badgering me about it. I guess I'm not ready to fight that battle again quite yet."
"Delilah is a romantic at heart. She still believes that true love conquers all else." Nathaniel responded, staring off at some distant point on the horizon.
"Do you still believe that?" Elissa asked, and Nathaniel could hear the hesitation in her voice.
"I'm not sure if you really want me to answer that." he said, turning his eyes to hers briefly and watching the light nod that said he was right. "Either way, you shouldn't let that stand in the way of your finding one another again. You were close once. I think you could be again."
"You're right." she replied, nodding her head and smiling softly at him. "I will make more of an effort to see her next time we make it into the city."
They rode in silence for a while, before Nathaniel's laughter broke it, drawing Elissa's curious stare in his direction.
"What? What's so funny?" she asked, steering her horse closer to his.
"I was just thinking about the dress you wore to your sixteenth birthday party." he answered, his grin widening as his silver eyes caught her emerald in the dwindling sunlight.
"I didn't realize my attire had been so amusing to you." Elissa retorted, looking distinctly displeased as she'd liked that gown quite a bit when she'd been younger.
"Oh, it wasn't. Especially not at the time." Nathaniel chuckled, watching her eyes narrow. "I thought my eyes might pop out of my head when I first saw you, and then when you shoved my nose in your cleavage in the guard house…"
"Nathaniel!" she hissed, eyes flitting back over her shoulder to the others to make sure no one else could hear them.
"What? I'd barely gotten used to the idea of you having breasts at that point – and then all of a sudden there they are pressed right against my nose!" he laughed, steering Nocturne out of the range of her desperate swats to silence him. "You're lucky I didn't pin you to the floor right then and have my way with you."
"As I recall I asked you to do that very thing, and you declined the invitation." Elissa snorted, rolling her eyes and pressing her heels into her mare's sides to increase her pace.
"If I could go back, I would absolutely have accepted." Nathaniel said, Nocturne's longer strides easily keeping him beside her.
"Pssht. You would not!" she laughed, shaking her head. "You were obsessed with protecting my virginal innocence."
"Oh, I'd have protected your virginal innocence…" he responded, his voice even lower and more gravelly than it had already been. "I'd have protected it on the bench, on the floor, against the wall… anywhere I could have pinned you down."
"The old Nathaniel would have said that was unworthy of us." Elissa said, her voice coming out far more breathy than she had intended.
"The old Nathaniel was a fool who squandered the best thing he ever had." Nathaniel answered, the glint of his eyes causing her hands to slip on her reins momentarily careening her horse into his until he reached over to steady it. "You loved me, and I loved you. As long as we had that… nothing else mattered. I should have realized that then, and I know that now. I won't make the same mistake twice."
He heard the low moan in her throat as his hand grazed her knee, the sound sliding between her lips before she could manage to control it. His skin was on fire, and from the heat radiating off of her body and into his, Nathaniel knew that hers was too. Her hands brushed his with an electric jolt as she took back her reins and pushed her horse faster, shutting off the conduit of their bond as best she could in the process. He watched her ride away, wishing he was bold enough to take her off into the treeline and protect her right then.
Nathaniel's night was not nearly as restful as he would have liked. He was kept awake with dreams of Elissa and a constant stream of confusion and raw desire that he could only assume relayed from her across their bond while she lay sleeping and unable to block it.
From what he'd felt, he assumed her time in The Fade had been spent much the same, though he could not guarantee it was him she'd been dreaming of.
"Maker's flaming co… URGH!" Elissa yelped, bringing Nathaniel to a stop outside the slightly open door at the rear of the throne room. "I don't understand how you can be so unbelievably bad at this!"
"By all means let's stop then!" Anders snipped, backing away from her with his arms folded defensively. "I certainly never asked for this tutorial!"
"I'm trying to help you, Anders! It wouldn't hurt you to be a bit more grateful!" Elissa hissed back, holding up a foot and rubbing at the toes he'd just crushed.
"Help me?" Anders snorted, rolling his eyes as he cast a small mending spell in her direction. "I'd love to hear you explain how berating me and draining my mana pool on your delicate toes is meant to help me."
"If you didn't keep breaking my delicate toes, you wouldn't need to keep healing them!" Elissa grumbled, sending their audience into peals of laughter as she continued. "I swear, I've fought ogres that were better dance partners than you!"
"Nice. Very nice…" Anders muttered, running his fingers through his hair and walking away.
"Wait, wait! I'm sorry… you're right, that was mean." Elissa said, dashing over to catch his arm before he could get away, "I'm just frustrated and running out of ideas on how to…" she trailed off, noticing Nathaniel lingering in the doorway at the back of the room. "Nathaniel! Excellent! You may be exactly what I need!"
"I've tried to tell you that before…" Nathaniel smirked, settling his features back to neutral when Elissa's eyes warned him she was in no mood for his banter at the moment.
"I've been trying to teach Anders how to dance so that he can astound the lovely ladies of Denerim with his charms, but it's not going very well." Elissa explained, listening to Anders huff beside her that she was involving Nathaniel in this debacle. "It would be nice to get the perspective of someone who is also familiar with the court dances."
"I offered my expert advice, but sadly the lady has declined…" Zevran smirked from his spot on the dais.
"Your idea of dancing is inappropriate for public viewing anywhere outside of Antivan whorehouses." Elissa snickered, rolling her eyes. "Alistair would have both our heads if I brought that into the palace." Oghren and Sigrun joined in the laughter as she turned back to Nathaniel. "So… will you help us? I've no idea what I'm doing wrong."
"Well, for starters… doesn't the woman usually wear the dress?" Nathaniel chuckled, drawing an immediate glare from Anders.
"Ugh. Yes. More fun at my expense. Lovely." Anders groused, starting to leave again. "Thanks for trying, Elissa, but I'm rather full up on humiliation for the day."
"Apologize!" Elissa hissed, shoving Nathaniel forward when he seemed reluctant to do so.
"My apologies, Anders." Nathaniel grumbled, rolling his eyes at Elissa before affecting his most convincing smile as Anders turned back. "I simply meant it might be easier to learn the steps if your movement was less restricted."
"Hmm… you have a point." Elissa noted, eying Anders and tapping thoughtfully at her bottom lip before coming to a decision. "Take off your robes."
"Alright… I just want everyone here to remember you asked me to do this…" Anders smirked, loosening up the ties at the front.
"Wait, what?" Elissa asked, reaching over to still his hands in a panic. "You weren't kidding when you said you went about naked under there, were you?"
"Why would I kid about that?" Anders laughed, winking at her.
"Doesn't it get… drafty?" Elissa asked, eyes darting down subtly to his pelvis.
"On the contrary." Anders replied with a smile. "A little breeze can be quite enjoyable."
"Okay…" Elissa said, clearing her throat. "Anders keeps the robe on. Next suggestion?"
"Are you doing this without music?" Nathaniel asked, looking around the room as though a minstrel was hidden away somewhere.
"Sadly my bard is off protecting the Urn of Sacred Ashes, so unless you'd like to have Oghren favor us with one hundred and one sea shanties, yes, we are without music." Elissa groused, folding her arms as her expression grew more cross.
"Did you retain any of Father's original staff?" Nathaniel asked, ignoring both her sarcasm and her temper.
"Anyone I didn't fear would poison my dinner given a chance, yes." Elissa replied, glaring daggers at him. "I have no desire to deprive anyone of their livelihood simply because I didn't care for their former employer."
"A simple yes or no would have sufficed, Elissa." Nathaniel frowned, his own temper rising. "Did you keep Groundskeeper Samuel?"
"Of course! The man carved me a veritable army of wooden figurines while you and Fergus were off excluding me from whatever it was you were doing." Elissa snorted, rolling her eyes at him. "I could never remove him from this place. It's more his home than mine."
"He never carved me anything." Nathaniel retorted, clearly not believing her claims.
"Yes, well, most people liked me more than you even when we were children." Elissa sniffed, arrogantly tipping her chin up in his direction.
"So says you…" Nathaniel sighed, rolling his eyes. "Do you know where he is?"
"Oh, I'd imagine he's somewhere on the grounds… grounds keeping." Elissa replied, smirking at him.
"That's ever so helpful, Elissa. Thank you." Nathaniel grumbled through the tension of his jaws as he attempted to rein in his temper. "I'll be back."
When he returned a few minutes later he was in a much better mood as he chatted with a lute toting Groundskeeper Samuel on their way to the dais. The wizened old elf smiled at Elissa politely and waited for whatever Nathaniel had instructed him to do.
"Okay. I think the main issue is that you can't learn something unless you've seen it first." Nathaniel said, clearing his throat and motioning Elissa over to him. "Elissa, if you would."
"I'm fairly certain Anders could see the steps as I was teaching them to him." Elissa grumbled, standing resolutely in her spot. She was unsure about the idea of allowing herself to be shuffled about in his arms after their last exchange on the horses.
"Would you have learned swordplay as easily without seeing someone fight first?" Nathaniel sighed, watching her hesitate. "My intentions are perfectly innocent here, Elissa. You have my word." Still she did not move. "As much as I'm certain Sigrun would enjoy being eye level with my… pelvic region… you are the only other person in the room that knows all the steps. You asked for my help…"
"Ugh… fine!" Elissa sighed, moving over and sliding her hand into his while he settled his other against her hip.
She watched Sigrun wink at him as she set her free hand on his shoulder, trying to ignore the tingling of her skin everywhere they touched and the way his body seemed to radiate heat into her. A few moments later, Samuel started playing one of the easier waltzes allowing her to focus on her breathing and footwork and not the way it felt to be moving with him again after all these years.
"You used to be better at this." Elissa noted, feeling him fumble his footwork again and remembering how blissfully easy they had moved together once upon a time.
"You used to let me lead." Nathaniel grumbled, watching her stutter to a stop when she realized he was right.
"I-I'm sorry… Alistair has no idea how to…" Elissa replied, struggling to remember the lady's steps for a moment. "I guess I've led for so long, I've forgotten what it feels like not to."
"Well, I'm perfectly capable of leading." Nathaniel answered, smirking at her with a gleam in his eye. "So, why don't you relax and let me be the man."
"I assure you, Alistair's lack of dance skills does not detract from his ability to be a man." Elissa retorted, bristling at his insult and narrowing her eyes. "I can go into detail, if you'd like."
"That won't be necessary." Nathaniel growled, snapping her in tighter against his body as Samuel changed to a more complicated tune on his signal.
Elissa felt herself falling into step with him as he moved them effortlessly around the room. With the usual stream of desire and fury flowing freely between them, the courtly exercise was just as much a battle as it was a dance, and yet to those watching it was like being given a glimpse at who they once were… and who they might have been had fate not conspired so cruelly against them.
Anders could easily envision an alternate future where they were the handsome Arl and beautiful Arlessa, ruling over their lands with a grace that came only at the hands of true nobility. Perhaps there was a redheaded little girl running about the hallways, or a dark haired little boy with eyes poured from silver. Perhaps there was another on the way.
But then the music ended, and the illusion shattered, leaving the two damaged individuals the mage had come to know breathing heavily in the middle of the room. Their struggle to balance desire against fury, confusion against certainty, was palpable to everyone around them.
"Dance class is over." Elissa said, her words breathy and shaking as she spun on her heel and strode out of the room.
Nathaniel stood a few moments longer, nostrils flaring as he fought against the urge to go after her. Eventually he simply ran his fingers through his hair with a muttered curse and stomped off in the opposite direction.
"This is going to be a disaster…" Anders noted, shaking his head and falling in with the others as they muttered various levels of concurrence and filtered from the room.