Disclaimer: Bioware owns all, except what I most humbly create. While, at times, I will take verbatim from the game, I mostly use the events of the Dragon Age games, expansions and universe as a loose structure around which to construct my re-imagined tale. If you are looking for a strict canon piece, I have no desire to offend, and so I warn you upfront!
When reading this tale, I hope you can easily imagine it being told by the very best of storytellers in Varric (from DA:2). In my version of events, Varric meets "The Hero" (my Elissa Cousland) in Kirkwall during the time period of DA:2. I mention this only so that readers can understand his connection along the way, and so I don't have to mention and rehash it again and again as I make my way through the tale.
A/N: Something naughty this way comes... but not too naughty. It's more things that are hinted out than anything graphic as most things tend to be with me - but, as usual, I wanted to warn you up front! Buckle up! It promises to be a bit of a bumpy ride.
Muse Music: Careless Whisper by Seether (cover of George Micheal original), Dancing Away With My Heart by Lady Antebellum, and Dancing by Elisa.
Thanks to my readers, followers and reviewers and to my fantastic Lady Beta artemiskat who did a lot of character theory debate with me on this one.
Happy Reading!
-Frayed One
Chapter Fifteen: The Dream or The Struggle
Elissa resolutely avoided direct contact with Nathaniel for the remainder of their time at The Keep, only acknowledging his presence when it was unavoidable and even then speaking in the practiced neutrality of the Warden-Commander rather than the cautiously flirtatious tones of the woman with whom he had been re-forging a tenuous friendship.
Even now she physically distanced herself, tethering her horse off to the cart and sitting in the back with Anders, leaving Nathaniel to ride point alone with his tumultuous musings.
"I am sorry, Anders." Elissa said sheepishly, attempting to smooth over the damage she'd done the day before in the throne room of Vigil's Keep. "I can't promise I won't say something awful to you again. I'm a hormonal bitch and I can't change that. But I didn't mean to hurt your feelings and you didn't deserve to be treated that way."
"You're right, I didn't!" Anders replied, folding his arms and trying his best to remain angry with her, though he knew it wouldn't last. "Not everyone grew up as privileged as you and Angry Lord Celibacy up there."
"I know." she answered, trying her best not to laugh at his latest jab at Nathaniel. "I really was doing it to help… and then my toes got sore, and it all seemed to go downhill from there…" she continued, watching him bristle when she mentioned her toes and realizing she'd stumbled over her words again. "Ugh… I'm really rubbish at any sort of relationship these days."
"Zevran seems happy enough." he smirked, trying to relieve a bit of the pressure he'd put on her when she showed just how upset the thought of having done true damage to their friendship was making her.
"Zevran requires little more than my trust and permission to occasionally cop a feel." Elissa snorted, rolling her eyes.
"We men are simple creatures…" Anders began, winking at her and watching her eyebrow rise as her eyes flicked his way.
"Tell me you do not expect me to let you feel me up in order to smooth this over?" she muttered, shaking her head and laughing sadly.
"Pfft. I feel you up all the time healing your cuts and bruises, dear Lady." he snorted, leaning back in the cart and nearly waking the sleeping dwarves behind them. "However, I rarely get to see anything…"
She paused for a second, watching him and thinking.
"If I do this, you speak of it to no one." Elissa insisted, beginning to unbuckle her chest plate as she glanced back over her shoulder to ensure no one else was watching.
"I cannot believe it! You're actually going to flash me your bosom?" Anders gasped, sitting up quickly as color rushed into his face.
"Well I'm certainly not flashing you anything else!" she hissed, hands stilling as her brow wrinkled in confusion. "Is this not what you wanted?"
"Well… yes, but I never expected you to take me up on it!" he said honestly, fretting at his sleeve a little. "I figured you'd refuse, I'd press the issue inappropriately, we'd banter, you know… the usual?"
"So you don't want to see anything?" Elissa said, shaking her head in frustration.
"Yes and no… aaand now I'm uncomfortable." Anders replied, rubbing his face with his hands. "Can you buckle up your chest plate for me?"
"You've seen more of me than this and it's never bothered you before…" she mumbled, doing as he asked.
"Different context. Now it just feels… weird… like you're paying me for my friendship with… flesh… and our relationship isn't like that. At least, I don't want it to be." Anders stuttered, trying to explain as best he could and seeing from the look on Elissa's face that he was failing miserably. "Look, Elissa. I haven't had a lot of friends, especially the female kind… and I don't think you have very many people you can really lean on right now – which makes what we have, or what I think we have pretty important… to me, at least." He watched her features neutralize as his words started to sink in. "You're a beautiful woman. You know this… and I've said it myself before. I won't lie, I've thought about you in… that way, and I probably will again… but, for now – I don't think you need the complications that could come from us pushing that boundary, and I don't want to risk what we do have. When you aren't insulting me and forcing me to endure your tortuous dance lessons, of course."
"You really are something else." Elissa smiled, something twinkling in her eyes for a moment that he couldn't name before she leaned over and gave him a quick peck on the cheek.
When she leaned back, it was gone as though it'd never been there – but Anders knew that for a moment he'd seen the smallest glimpse of whatever it was that had enraptured both Nathaniel and The King.
Alistair was a nervous wreck. Truth be told, he'd been a nervous wreck from the moment that he'd sat down at his desk to find Elissa's acceptance on the top of his morning post. Knowing she was coming had been exhilarating, but now that she was here he found himself terrified to actually see her again.
When he'd walked away from her at Vigil's Keep, he'd had every intention of sticking resolutely to his decision to back away and force her to acknowledge and come to terms with whatever remained between her and Nathaniel Howe. But, as he stood outside the door to her chamber, he was uncertain that he would be able to follow through with it.
He fiddled with the stupid half-cape thing attached to the back of his finery one more time. Isolde had insisted it was the latest fashion and it made him look gallant, like one of the regal kings of old. Alistair thought it looked ridiculous, and gave him one more piece of clothing to get tangled up in over the course of the evening as he always seemed likely to do.
He took in one last deep breath and knocked, listening to the quick click of her heels as she moved across the room to answer the door. When she opened it, he couldn't speak. Maybe it was the physical and emotional distance that had opened up between them. Maybe it was the cut of the gown or the color of the fabric. He'd seen her in a dress plenty of times at that point. There was no reason for him to be so taken aback. Though, she seemed equally star-struck looking at him standing there in her doorway.
"You missed a button." Elissa said, smiling softly as she took a step toward him – hesitating as she reached for his chest. "May I?"
"Please. Can't go out there looking any more like an idiot stable boy than I already do." Alistair sighed, realizing he was never likely to get the hang of any of this.
"I think you look fantastic." she replied, her voice low and almost shy – the skin of her cheeks and upper chest coloring slightly.
"You do?" he asked, raising an eyebrow at her thoughtfully.
"Absolutely. You're a handsome man, Alistair. Isolde chose this well. It suits you." Elissa continued, stepping back and folding her fingers together at her waist. It really did. The deep wine material and light gold accenting were regal but subtle – perfect for a man like Alistair. "You shall have all the ladies of the kingdom lining up to be your Queen."
"All except the one I truly desire." Alistair replied, a sad honesty in his words that tore at Elissa's already aching heart.
"It was not me who walked away this time, Alistair." she answered, her words soft and void of the usual venom that could infect them when such accusations were thrown. "I understand why you did it, but do not lay that at my feet. I carry too many burdens at the moment to shoulder one more."
Alistair was taken back by how fragile she appeared. It was completely out of character for the Elissa he had come to know to allow anyone to see past her guise of control. That she would show so much of herself to him in these moments thrilled him more than it should have.
"You're right. I shouldn't have said that." he replied, offering his arm to her and relaxing when she slid her hand into the crook of his elbow and closed her door behind them. "You look amazing."
She blushed again, color flowing freely down her pale skin. The cut of her dress was striking, low enough to give him more than an eyeful of her assets but still perfectly tasteful. She wore a small short jacket, clearly a unique kind of wrap fashioned to cover her extensive tattooing for the evening. Though Alistair wouldn't have minded had it been visible, he knew Eamon would appreciate her efforts.
"I had to have a dress made. Everything else I owned was here and I wasn't sure if…" Elissa started, trailing off when he finished her thought.
"If I'd disposed of all your belongings." Alistair said, catching her nod. "No. Everything is exactly as you left it. You can take anything you'd like back with you, and anything else will remain here until we... until we reach whatever resolution is to come."
Elissa started to respond, stopping when she realized they'd made it to the outside of the ballroom. The sounds inside were raucous. Laughter, chatter and the occasional yelling she was fairly certain came from Oghren – all filtering through the door at them.
"Ready?" Alistair asked, waiting for her response before he acknowledged the guard who then opened the door for them.
Nathaniel sat at the front table with the rest of the royal party and his fellow Wardens, eyes resolutely focused on the door at the rear of the room that he knew would eventually open to reveal Elissa and The King. He'd been seated as far away from the royal couple as he could possibly be put, and he knew better than to think for a second that it had been an accident. That fact just piled itself on top of his already limited patience and frayed nerves to create a maelstrom of testosterone charged fury within that only amplified itself as the moments ticked by.
When the announcement of their entry boomed out over the crowd, Nathaniel downed the rest of what was either his third or maybe fourth ale as he stood. Glaring down toward the door, he mustered up the most genuine applause he could manage. The King looked perfect. Handsome and golden, with the charm of his crooked smile beaming out over the crowd. The Nobility loved him because he was a Theirin, and the last of his line. The People loved him because he was one of them, or had been before Elissa sat him on the throne. There was no one that didn't seem affected by his presence.
Then, as they made their way to the table – he saw Elissa for the first time. He thought he'd be prepared for anything, but he'd been wrong. The dark blue silk and silver thread-work of her new dress was disturbingly similar to the gown she had worn at her birthday party. Then it had been his elbow her hand had threaded into, his hand she sought out for comfort and support. Now, that place belonged to The King.
Alistair made his speech, acknowledging Elissa and her Wardens with a smile that seemed to skip over the far back end of the table. Nathaniel had to admit the man was good. His rich voice made anything he said seem genuine, though in his case it probably was. Alistair was without guile. A sincere wish to be true and good shining out from within him and easy for all to see. Had things been different, Nathaniel was certain he could have genuinely liked and respected the man. But, things were what they were. So as the evening progressed and The King led his chosen Queen out onto the dance floor, Nathaniel's blood began to boil and he continued to drink in an attempt to calm his raging temper.
Watching them together was like flashing back in time. He could remember his anger when a similar blonde head had turned her about the dance floor while he could do nothing but watch and hope that Elissa stayed true to him. Though, Cailan never stumbled… Nathaniel thought, chuckling when he realized that his dance with Elissa had reset her to expect her partner to lead.
"If you want me to lead, Elissa, you're going to have to pick another time to teach me those steps!" Alistair hissed, covering up his discomfort with a smile he hoped would draw attention off of them.
"I'm… ow! I'm sorry!" Elissa whispered back, trying not to limp when he stomped on her foot again, and offering her own smile as she fell back into her routine of maneuvering the dance. "I wasn't thinking… I…" her words trailed off as she looked over his shoulder and saw the man approaching. "Maker, no… oh, please…"
"What are you…" Alistair started, making to turn his own head before the voice made it clear what had her so concerned
"Pardon me, Your Majesty." Nathaniel said, bowing low and smiling a perfectly innocuous smile at him. "I was wondering if I might cut in for a dance or two?"
"I'm not sure if I…" Alistair started, eyes narrowing on the man.
"It's fine!" Elissa whispered, smiling over her discomfort and encouraging Alistair to do the same. "Don't make a scene."
Alistair passed her over into Nathaniel's arms after that, moving back to the table and watching as the man moved them effortlessly through the end of the song that had already been playing.
"What are you doing?" Elissa asked, keeping her face as neutral as she could manage while she attempted to read the man in front of her.
He looked fantastic, and as he settled her in against him she realized he smelled fantastic too. The cut of his clothing was perfect, and his dark hair was loose and tucked lightly behind one ear giving him that vaguely dangerous look she'd fallen so hard for in her youth.
"Dancing, at the moment." Nathaniel replied, snapping her in closer as the music changed over to the very song that Samuel had played days before back at The Keep.
"You didn't!" she gasped, looking frantically at the crowd around them. Most of the nobility had been there at her birthday party years ago when they'd pawed each other on the dance floor, and now those same eyes watched with curiosity as they whispered frantically among themselves.
"I did." he smirked, casually moving her into the steps of the dance and ignoring her initial discomfort.
As the song progressed, Elissa couldn't help but relax into it. Nathaniel spun and turned her, slid her arms through his and around him so effortlessly they may as well have just been taking a casual stroll. He was gentle, but firm – and absolutely in charge. Where Alistair was cautious and self-effacing, Nathaniel was bold and confident. His was a dominant personality, and Elissa could feel herself falling victim to the seduction of it as he twirled her and snapped her back against him once again.
Nathaniel would always challenge her, always push her to justify her reasoning and prove her rationale. He would never just give in and let her have her way, not without a fight. He could be abrasive and arrogant, but he could also push her to be better and stand his ground when she was wrong. Nathaniel was just as likely to lead as he was to follow, and a part of her craved that so desperately it was frightening.
When the song came to an end, Nathaniel dipped her back with a flourish – so low the curls of her hair brushed against the polished marble of the floor. When he brought them back up, her pulse was racing – and she could feel his doing the same beneath her palm where it had come to rest against his chest.
Suddenly it was too much. It was all too much. The walls were closing in and everyone was staring and she couldn't breathe. She shoved away from him, muscling her way through the crowd and out of the hall – not caring about the shocked whispers in her wake as both Nathaniel and Alistair tore off after her.
She was desperate to escape, holding her skirts up and dashing down the halls, kicking off both her shoes when one of the heels snapped then continuing to run. She would have kept running forever had her metaphorical inability to breathe not turned into an actual inability to breathe, sending her falling back against the cold stone wall and struggling to draw more air into her lungs.
That's how they found her. Nathaniel skidding to a stop in front of her with Alistair hot on his heels.
"What is it? What's wrong?" Nathaniel asked, his own breathing labored from both the dance and the chase.
"Did he do something to you?" Alistair inquired, moving to her other side and taking one of her hands into his own.
"What do you mean did I do something to her?" Nathaniel hissed, eyes narrowed as he took Elissa's other arm and checked her pulse, which was racing as he already knew. "We were in a room full of people! Of course I didn't do anything to her!"
"Like that would have stopped you." Alistair snorted, rolling his eyes. "Certainly never stopped your sick bastard of a father!"
Elissa's eyes flicked back and forth between them, angry and more than a little freaked out that they seemed more intent on arguing than seeing to her well being at the moment.
"Can't… breathe!" she managed finally, drawing both of their attention back down to her once more.
"You're having a panic attack. You have to calm down." Alistair insisted, reaching up to her shoulder and trying to encourage her to relax with his touch.
She shook her head, frantically gesturing to her chest as she attempted to draw in several more labored breaths to no avail.
"You're having chest pains? You're choking?" Alistair questioned, growing increasingly panicked when she shook off both suggestions. "Were you poisoned?" he growled, glaring up at Nathaniel until she sank her nails into his arm and shook her head. "I'm sorry…. I-I don't understand what you're trying to say."
"C-Corset…" Elissa gasped, the words barely audible as she turned frantic eyes to Nathaniel hoping he would understand what Alistair could not.
"It's the dress. It's too tight now that she's panicked." Nathaniel explained, watching Alistair move in behind her and tug off the cover so he could get at the laces. "The corset is restricting her ribcage too much and she can't breathe."
"Maker, what kind of demented person designs these contraptions!" Alistair huffed, beginning to perspire as he fumbled with the elaborate lacing at the back of her dress.
Nathaniel watched Elissa's panic continuing to rise as The King struggled to get the holds of the garment free while muttering scattered curses from behind her. Her green eyes were wide and fearful, pleading with him to do something as her breathing became even more erratic and her lips began to turn blue.
"Move!" Nathaniel growled, shoving Alistair aside and making a go at her laces himself.
It was useless. All Alistair had managed to do was knot them even tighter together. He pulled in a deep breath, threading his fingers through his hair and trying to come up with something, anything he could do to save her. Suddenly, a thought occurred to him, and he reached down to roughly tug up the layers of Elissa's skirts so he could get an arm beneath them.
"Now that's just inappropriate!" Alistair yelled, gripping Nathaniel's arm and forcefully deterring him from his task.
"I'm not trying to fondle her, you idiot!" Nathaniel retorted, glaring at the man. "I'm trying to get to the dagger you and I both know she's got strapped under there. The laces are a wash, I'm going to have to cut her out."
Elissa nodded, squeezing Alistair's arm to reassure him so that he would relax and let Nathaniel go. When he did, the archer slid his hand back under her skirt and found the ridge of the leather sheath with his fingers, freeing the blade and drawing it into his hand. It didn't take much after that, just a simple pop of the blade through the lacing of the dress allowing him access to the corset beneath. Nathaniel didn't even attempt to unlace it, snapping the dagger through its ties as well and sending both offending garments rushing to the floor at their feet.
Elissa fell back then, taking Alistair along with her where she'd been leaning against him and pulling Nathaniel to slump at her side when she did not release the grip on his hand.
"Thank the Maker!" Elissa sighed, chuckling lightly as she drew in several great heaving breaths of air. "I thought I was going to suffocate right here in Cailan's stupid gaudy hallway while you two played King of the Castle!"
"That would have been a short game." Alistair responded, his voice distinctly less annoyed than his wording might have alluded. "I'm fairly certain there was a ceremony at some point that made me the King of this particular castle."
"Don't start…" Elissa warned, smiling as she leaned back against him and covered his arm with her own where it had wrapped around her waist.
She closed her eyes, breathing easily and allowing herself to languish in contentment for a moment. Her thumb kept a steady pace against Nathaniel's hand where she still held it within her own.
It was in that moment that both Alistair and Nathaniel seemed to realize that Elissa sat between them clothed only in her very sheer slip and the gauzy underthings she wore beneath it. Suddenly the movement of her chest as she breathed was hypnotic, and they both felt their bodies falling in synch with it.
Elissa felt the shift as well. Her eyes flickered open as desire pulsed into her from both Alistair's blood tie and the soul conduit she now shared with Nathaniel. Before she knew what was happening, Alistair was pressing his soft mouth against the bare skin of her neck and shoulder. She moaned, tilting her head back as she watched Nathaniel's pupils dilate in response to her own, his pulse racing into hers as he leaned in to kiss her.
Her rational mind screamed at her to stop, willing her body and her heart to listen. This was wrong, so very wrong on so many levels… but she could not deny she desired these men, both of them. To have them so close, and so completely consumed by their own desire, was intoxicating. The evidence of that attraction pressed from Alistair into her back and darkened Nathaniel's eyes from stormy gray to the blackest night - and in the face of it, Elissa found she could resist no longer. She wound one hand up into Alistair's hair, encouraging him as he slid the strap of her slip aside to suck and bite at her shoulder. She threaded the fingers of her other hand into Nathaniel's dark locks, parting her lips as his tongue sought entry into her mouth to deepen the kiss they already shared.
"Elissa, are you…" Anders said, his words worried as he skidded to a stop at the sight of discarded clothing and writhing bodies now in front of him. "Andraste's ass, I've really got to stop seeing this stuff!"
"What? Oh…" Elissa moaned, eyes working hard to focus on him as she drew away from first Nathaniel, then Alistair – grabbing up her ruined dress and covering her body to try and regain some sense of modesty. "Shit! What were we? Shit!"
Anders watched both Alistair and Nathaniel shake off whatever spell they'd been under, coming back to themselves again and shifting awkwardly with the realization of what they'd almost done. The mage began to wonder if that lunatic of a Templar Rylock hadn't been on to something when she'd spoken of the unnatural hold Elissa seemed to have over men. From everything he'd seen, and everything he'd begun to feel hints of himself, she was entirely capable of completely bending at least those of the masculine persuasion to her will if she so desired.
"Look, your secret is safe with me… as usual…" Anders grumbled, reaching down to help Elissa to her feet and holding her eyes in the process. "But if you plan to continue… whatever it is I interrupted, you're going to want to find some place other than the hall to… do it. I wasn't the only one headed this way, and I'm fairly certain The King's uncle won't be so understanding."
"Eamon! Oh, Alistair…" Elissa pleaded, turning her eyes to the man as she hovered on the verge of tears. "Please! You have to take me to the Royal Suite! You can kick me out after. You can ban me from the palace if you want, but please… don't let Eamon see me this way! My dress is ruined…"
She watched him hesitate, weighing the options in his desire clouded mind before finally giving in.
"Come on." Alistair responded, helping to gather up the remnants of her gown and taking her hand with a comforting squeeze. "We'd nearly gotten there by accident anyway."
Elissa tossed a sorrowful look to Nathaniel over her shoulder and disappeared inside a doorway just down the hall.