CHAPTER THREE

TO FIND YOURSELF

"You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you'll discover will be wonderful. What you'll discover is yourself."

Alan Alda said that once. I don't know when, where, or in what circumstance, but he said it.

I pondered that as the crunch of twigs and leaves echoed in my ears as I walked through the Forks wilderness. I was only about half a mile behind my house so I wouldn't get lost. I liked hiking. It brought silence to a new, comforting level. I could reflect on myself better than any shrink could make me. It was calming, uninterrupted. Soothing in a way.

Out here, no one was watching. No one was looking at me as if waiting for me to have a nervous break down. No one asked me if I had taken my pills. No one asked if I was okay every ten minutes. Out here I was at peace. Just listening to the sounds of the wild. And I loved that.

I thought back to being in Forks. I genuinely thought that this place was good for me. It was small but open and quiet. It wasn't hot and suffocating like Arizona. And I had my Dad here. It was good to be with him. He didn't treat me like I was about to fall apart at any second. Like Bella did. I was just his little girl that he loved and missed just like I loved and missed him.

He also didn't push me to my limits and then pull away from me like Mom. She always tried to get me to do things I didn't want to. Even before my diagnosis. And then she would favor Bella when we caved and did the things she wanted. She would treat me like a chore. Like an extension of her otherwise perfect life. The extra. Unneeded.

I know she's our mom and I love her, I do, but I'm glad to get this time away from her. I don't want to feel like a hospital patient my whole life.

I heard a bird chirp and felt my tense expression soften. This was perfect.

I dug my hands into my jacket pockets and kept walking. Suddenly there was a crash and a pain-filled wail. My head whipped in the direction of the noise as my eyes widened. I saw two deers sprinting through the forest.

I don't know if I had slipped so far that I became suicidal, but I ran towards whatever they were running from. I was not prepared for what I saw. There was a dead deer on the ground. It's face seemed frozen in terror and it looked bled dry except for the large puddle of blood beside it.

I looked into the deer's eyes. They were black endless pools. Empty. I stared for what seemed like forever. I was frozen in my spot, paralyzed. Only what could have been an hour later did I do anything.

I screamed.

And I ran.

The next morning was a school day. I noticed the house was looking neater, rearranged. Clearly, Bella had gotten to it. After taking my pills and eating a bagel, I saw Bella come downstairs with her book bag, "I'm heading out."

I didn't acknowledge her departure. I just grabbed my satchel and headed out the door. I heard Bella saying, "Ice doesn't help the uncoordinated."

Dad nodded, "That's why I got you new tires." She looked over at the truck – yep, four new tires. He kicked one tire, "The other ones were nearly bald." He saw me walking towards the jeep and smiled, "Hey Callie." He kissed the top of my head before heading toward his cruiser.

"I'll be late for dinner. I'm heading down to Mason County. A security guard at the Grisham Mill got killed by some kind of animal..." He opened the door.

"An animal?" Bella asked, perturbed.

"You're not in Phoenix anymore. They've been hunting it for a week with no luck. Thought I'd lend a hand."

"Be careful," I piped up.

I knew by his expression that Dad was surprised that I said anything. But he smiled and nodded, "Always am."

"Thank you," Bella said, "For the tires."

Dad nodded, confused. I got in my jeep and drove off, Bella trailing slowly behind me.

Towards the end of the day I went to ask Bella for my jeep keys because I put them in her bag by mistake. But when I got to her locker she was talking to none other than Edward Cullen, while holding a gold onion. Weird.

He was asking, "Why didn't you stay with your mom and stepdad?"

He waited for her to answer, studying her, as if trying to decipher her.

She seemed like she was in a trance, "Alright, Phil's a minor league baseball player, so he travels a lot. My mom stayed home with me but it made her unhappy. So I decided to spend time with my dad."

Liar, I thought.

I saw Edward almost turn his head, confused, as if reacting to what I thought. Weirdo.

"But now you're unhappy."

Bella helplessly stuttered, "No... I- I just..." She turned away, blushing, embarrassed.

"I'm just trying to figure you out. You're very hard to read." He was clearly trying to 'read' her now.

I chose that moment to go up and interrupt, "Bella! Can I have my keys?"

She didn't even acknowledge me. I tried not to let it get to me.

"Did you get contacts?" She blurted to Mr. Suave Pale Face.

"...no."

"Your eyes... were black before, now they're this golden brown or-"

"It's just the fluorescents." He abruptly turned and walked away. As he did, Bella stared after him, bewildered, intrigued, pathetic.

The rain hadn't stopped by the time I got to my last and favorite class; music. I walked in, trying to feel excited when the teacher announced, "Aright class, we're changing seats so don't sit down and unpack!"

There was a collective groan throughout the teenagers and I know my face must have looked horrified. I had just gotten used to the bitchy blonde I was sat next to last week. I didn't want to deal with another cruel teenager.

I was told to sit in the back corner of the room, which I liked. Unfortunately Jasper Cullen was sat next to me. I didn't want to sit beside one of the beautiful group. I was so plain and depressing in comparison.

I sat down and tried to hide my face behind my hair. But unfortunately for me, he wanted to be friendly today.

"Hello."

I nearly jumped, startled, and whipped my head to the left of me. The honey blonde Cullen was politely smiling at me. I would have smiled back. But I didn't.

"Hi."

I internally flinched at the obvious difference between our greetings. Where his was graceful, soft, sounding like music, mine was blunt, gravely, sounding like nails on a chalk board. In comparison. Jasper Hale was... intoxicating. Completely consuming.

He smiled at me, "You're Callie Swan."

I nodded, "Yes. You're Jasper Hale." I didn't quite understand what was going on. I mean, why was he talking to me? Angela had told me that the Cullens stuck to themselves. They didn't talk to anyone but each other. So why has it changed all of the sudden? Edward is talking to Bella and now Jasper is talking to me.

I could hear the slight southern twang in his speech as he spoke next, "You've just moved here from Arizona. Quite different, isn't it?"

I almost smiled, but I just nodded, "It's very... cold and wet here. Very different from Phoenix."

Jasper seemed captivated by what I was saying. I didn't understand what was so interesting. Then he asked, "And you've been to Texas?"

My eyebrows furrowed in suspicion, "Where did you hear that?"

Jasper adopted a disarming expression as he explained, "Your sister told my brother in passing."

I nodded to myself, "I went to Texas for a couple months last school year."

"And how was that?" He actually seemed interested.

I shrugged, "Warm."

That was when the teacher called our attention.

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