Asian F

'Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.' Robert Heinlein

Dear Diary,

Will's been working after school with the Glee kids on their booty camp but he's still able to get home before me because I've been caught up with rehearsals and organisational stuff for the musical. I've never begrudged extra work before and I'm enjoying getting to know the kids better but now all of these extra, unpaid hours are taking me away from Will and I miss him. Anyway, I guess it's true what they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder because as a result he's had one of his magnificent dinners waiting for me every night. He told me over dinner that Santana has re-sworn her allegiance to the Glee club but now he's having trouble with Mercedes. He told her it's not about doing her best anymore, it's about doing better. Poor Will. I said, 'It's a wonder you haven't opted for an all male glee club.' He replied, 'I'm afraid Kurt wouldn't provide all the feminine charm we need.'

Dear Diary,

Ok, this morning was awkward. Will found my box of wedding magazines. I kind of wanted him to because I so, so, SO, want to be married to him, but I don't want to be the one to raise the topic, especially as I'm still battling my fear of the hose monster. I panicked and said, 'Terri must have had a massive bridal magazine addiction.' Then I thought to myself, Oh stupid! Will had cleaned out all of Terri's stuff long before I moved in. Then he saw my Vera Wang autographed photo. That was harder to explain away. Will said he wasn't scared of my inner bridezilla. Phew. Maybe growing up on romantic Disney movies has had too much bearing on the importance I place on marriage. I don't know, I just feel that the marriage ritual will symbolize and cement us as one and the feeling of loneliness that I've spent most of my life feeling will disappear. Then he said because he doesn't like secrets he wanted to share his magazine collection with me. OMG. Porn magazines! He said they kept him off Craig's list. Who is Craig? And why does he have a list? Note to self: go on Wikipedia and find out what Craig's List is. Will was still talking.

'It's clearly the road we're heading down. Oh be still my beating heart. 'Marriage is just one of several milestones I'm looking forward to sharing with you.'

Me too, me too. I know one of those 'milestones' is having sex. I'm still having trouble with that. Then things took a turn for the worst. He said if I was serious about us why hasn't he met my parents? That was unexpected but not an unreasonable question. But he can never meet them so I said whatever came into my head. 'They're dead!'

'But you spoke to them on the phone last night.'

'I spoke to their ghosts last night, I have ghost parents.'

He looked frustrated. He refuses to let me avoid things anymore. Ok, I couldn't lie to him but I couldn't tell him about my parents either. I said, I just want to take it really slowly and I don't want to rush things and I think meeting my parents right now would be a bad idea. I kissed him and exited the room before he could question me any further. Oh what am I to do? My parents are INSANE. There is no way he'll want my genetic material once he meets them.

Dear Diary,

Mercedes auditioned for the role of Maria today. I'd never seen her so confident and glamorous. Why can't I ever feel that confident and glamorous?

Speaking of confident, Brittany did a flash mob dance in the gym today. 'Girls Run the World. She is amazing and I felt liberated, so much so that I couldn't help but be drawn into the power of her dancing and join her for a little grooving. Hard to dance in a pencil skirt. She is running for senior class president. I hope she wins.

Lunch time: Sitting with Shannon debating over Mercedes or Rachel for Maria? Will arrived. I noticed the look of love in his eyes as he watched me talking (it still makes my heart skip a beat), 'Mercedes' performance was so truthful, she had a new maturity and confidence.' I looked at Will, 'I think our little girl is all grown up.' Will said he's been pushing her pretty hard in booty camp. 'Good for Mercedes but very hard for us', I said. We laughed. Rachel is Maria, Mercedes might be the riskier choice but she also may be the more exciting one. As Shannon says it's too close to call. We have to have a sing off. Will suggested we choose the same song for both of them to sing so we can directly compare them.

Mike came in to audition for Riff. I was a little surprised that he was comfortable enough to sing. I guess once you embrace your weakness you can work on improving it. Will has taught me that and he's done wonders with those kids. Mike's dancing is so exciting to watch. I haven't seen Will dance in a while – not without me in his arms anyway. I love watching him dance – mmm, so seductive, so expressive, so in control.

Dear Diary,

I have to admit I was a little nervous this morning. Today was sing off day between Rachel and Mercedes. With two divas, anything could happen and it had the potential to get ugly. I hate confrontation. I wore pink – hoping they'd feel the love. I guess my clothing choice paid off – there were no diva tantrums.

Dear Diary,

I got home late after rehearsals and saw that Will had set the table for dinner and was lighting a candle. I couldn't stop smiling. Just the thought of our dinner dates: exposing myself to his love of food, experiencing the same flavours, holding his hand across the table and staring into his eyes, got me through the day sometimes. 'Are we having a romantic dinner? I asked.

'Sort of.'

Then I heard my mother's voice and I felt the blood drain from my veins: 'Is that my little f….

I can't say it. It makes me feel sick. Deep breath Emma. Be like Mike and embrace what makes you weak. 'Is that my little freaky deaky?' she said.

All my life she's called me that. I hate it hate it HATE it. My heart started beating faster, my hands went all sweaty. I wanted to run. I started moving. There was nowhere to go. I couldn't leave Will alone with them. Why would he do this? I should have known he wouldn't let the idea go. He's so determined. I mean, he never let me go even when I married Carl. Thank God he didn't but there are some things that are ok to hold on to and some things that aren't. I grabbed the bottle of wine Will had opened, quickly poured a glass and swallowed it down. Will looked perplexed.

'Maybe we can get them to leave. I can pretend an ovarian cyst has burst. It works every time.'

'Emma, what's going on?' Are you ashamed of me?'

Why would I ever be ashamed of him? Upon reflection, I must have made him feel insecure, by not wanting him to meet my parents.

'No, I'm ashamed of them!'

'Why?'

'My parents are Ginger Supremacists.'

He looked totally baffled.

'We're ginger preservationists', my father explained to Will over dinner.

Oh God, please let him stop talking, I prayed. Mom explained how she likes to spend time at the Red Oaks club– the club only for gingers, where she likes to let her auburn hair down. Will laughed hesitantly. If only they were joking. Dad said gingers would be extinct as a species in thirty years.

I interjected, ' Red heads are not a separate species.' They ignored me as usual. Then they wanted to know about Will's heritage and started critiquing Will's hair. No don't taint him. Don't touch him with your words and your prejudice. Everything I've ever liked you've driven away from me. I guess in hindsight it was why I introduced Carl to them…I wanted him to leave me. I wanted the earth to open up and swallow them. Why don't they move to an earthquake area? Why not San Fransisco? Or Scotland, not an earthquake region but isn't it the genetic birthplace of redheads? They may find their own kind there and leave me alone once and for all. They always make me feel like an insecure little girl. I felt the urge to start straightening things. Was that a smudge on my knife? Mom noticed me rubbing the knife. Then shame upon shame they told Will how they used to tie my thumbs together when I was a kid to stop me cleaning and I'd chew right through the twine. They made me sound like I was an animal or a lunatic. I felt humiliated. They told him I was a complete freak. They told him not to bother trying to stop me when I get an attack of the 'cleanies' as they call it and they don't know where I got it. I looked straight at mom. She knows she perpetuated the mess of my mind. Every time we went out, she'd wipe the glasses and cutlery. Told me we couldn't be too careful of other people's germs, especially if they weren't red heads.

I feel ashamed even writing this.

Then Will threw down his cutlery in anger and told them they were being racist.

He said, 'All I know is that if Emma and I were blessed enough to have a child I wouldn't care what he or she looked like. And you know what? If my child had OCD I'd show her a little more compassion instead of calling her a name that makes her feel like a freak.'

There was an uncomfortable silence and then they just changed the subject. He said to my parents what I've wanted to say to them all these years. I clasped Will's hand. In each other's eyes we found pity, remorse, understanding.

Dear Diary,

We had to give Mercedes and Rachel our decision. Shannon said it was the hardest decision she's had to make in her life which included having to sell one of her two donkeys! Where do you even keep donkey's living in a city? I thought wow, you haven't had to make many hard decisions in your life. The decision to marry Ken wasn't easy. The decision to ignore my feelings for Will wasn't easy. The decision to confront my OCD wasn't easy either. We told them they would be sharing the role of Maria. Rachel accepted the decision with grace and maturity and said It would be a pleasure to share the stage with Mercedes. I breathed a sigh of relief. Then Mercedes wanted to know why everyone was always tiptoeing around Rachel's feelings because we all know she sang better in the audition than Rachel. But Rachel looks like a Maria. I didn't want to mention that. None of us knew what to say. Then she walked out saying Rachel could have the part, she didn't want it. All that deliberation and now she doesn't want the part. Actors – so fickle.

Dear Diary,

I sat on the bed rubbing my hands and doing my counting. Will walked in. Son of a biscuit, I lost count. I started again.

'I'm so sorry Emma, I should have believed you when you said you didn't want me to meet your parents. I didn't get it.'

I couldn't lose count again.

'Emma stop, please.' He wrapped my hands in his.

'Come on,' he urged, 'let's go to bed.'

I went to my knees.

'What are you doing?'

'I do it all the time in my head but right now it's just not enough. When I need help I know God hears me better on my knees, something about the acoustics of the linoleum or something.'

He rested his hand on my shoulder. 'I wish I could make things better for you, I just don't know how.'

He knelt beside me.

'I have no clue what I'm doing down here, but I'm willing to learn.'

He didn't make fun of me, he didn't say, stop being stupid. I looked at him in wonder. How can he love this 'ugly' in me?

I kissed his arm; arms that keep me grounded; arms that keep me close; arms that are strong when I feel so weak. I closed my eyes feeling him there beside me. Tears silently began streaming down my face. He held my hands and stroked my hair. I started sobbing. I felt naked and debilitated and bereft of all dignity. 'I thought I was getting better.' I bent my head to my knees. Will rubbed my back then eventually coaxed me up, he made me get into bed and he got in next to me and wrapped his arms around me. 'I try so hard.'

'I know you do sweetheart.'

'I want to be better for you…for us.' I clung to his chest. Now he knows. Now he knows the real me. The me that I never wanted him to see; and still, he's holding on.

Dear Diary,

There are days when I wake up thinking it's all too hard. Today was one of those days.

I didn't want to see anyone. Will made our lunches because I kept going back to the bathroom to wash my hands. After twenty minutes he came into the bathroom and turned off the tap, handed me a towel then helped me into my coat and guided me out to the car. I wanted to go back inside to check I'd turned the lights off, but he said he had checked and they were off. I ran back inside anyway. At work I sat in my office cleaning the phone with my toothbrush. Artie put up the final cast for WSS.

Dear Diary,

Today Will came into my office and took me to the auditorium, he said he and the kids have been working on a song he wanted me to hear. He said, 'The kids have their own interpretation of the song, but I think you'll share mine.' Will took centre stage and lead vocal and sang 'Fix You'.

I cried.