The tarp was firmly reattached, the broken bamboo sticks that held up the side of the tent were replaced with new ones as well. Overall it looked almost as good as it had the last time Kate had seen it over 4 years ago.
Kate looked up towards the sky, but the sun was still burning down on them and right now it didn't look like it would rain. But she had the same notion as Sawyer had, thinking that it probably would come pouring down by tonight.
Trying to get some relief from the sun, she sat down in the shade of the tent, stretching her legs out in front of her. Never in her life had she ever felt this physically tired. She'd been on the run for three years. Always on alert, always on the lookout. She's been on hikes through this jungle that went on for hours, sometime even days … but lately she was just exhausted from the moment she woke up.
Her eyes graced the beach and tents, when she noticed Sawyer standing outside Jin and Sun's tent. Wondering what he was doing there, she looked on and then she realized that he was talking … but nobody was there. At least not that she could see.
Her throat closed up, thinking immediately that it must be Jack. Should she go over there? She didn't know what to do. This seemed all too weird.
Then without warning, Sawyer moved the flap aside and disappeared into the tent. That's when Kate couldn't restrain her curiosity any longer. She got up and basically ran over there, following him into the tent without giving him a warning.
He looked up at her from his position kneeling on the sandy ground when she came bursting through the flap of Jin's and Sun's old shelter.
"What are you doing in here?" She watching him looking through a suitcase sitting on the ground, full with Sun's old clothing and other belongings.
"I'm looking for something." He stated back at her as if it wasn't obvious enough.
She rolled her eyes at that and said, "I can see that, but … I don't think we should be in here. It feels … it just doesn't feel right being here and going through their stuff James." She waited for him to respond.
"Aaaaha, found it." He said enthusiastically, and to her surprise he pulled a book out from the second suitcase he'd opened. Then he turned around, looked at Kate before handing her the book, "Here, it's for you."
"What?" She asked before she even had a chance to register the book he was holding out in front of her. Then she took it, turned it around – because it was upside down – to read the title.
"What to expect when you're expecting." She read the title out loud. She was clearly confused looking to Sawyer for answers.
She didn't even have to ask, because by the look on her face Sawyer could see that she was looking for an explanation. So he started to explain, "I found that (he pointed towards the book) in the same suitcase I'd found the pregnancy test in. Guess somebody had been pretty eager to be a mama. Anyway, after Sun asked me for the test and then you came and told me that she was pregnant … figured I might as well give her the book too."
A smile formed on Kates face as she looked at him in that lovey dovey kinda way, thinking that he'd done something nice for Sun.
Sawyer threw the suitcase shut again, got to his feet, then added, "Good reads were getting harder to come by around here, but even I wasn't that desperate."
He pushed open the flap and headed outside, held it aside for her to step out too, so she did.
Both of them started walking back towards their tent, when Kate couldn't bite her tongue any longer. She just had to ask, "Was that Jack you were talking to?"
Turning around at her he asked confused, "What?"
She pointed back towards Sun's tent, "I saw you standing there talking to … someone. Was it Jack?"
He chuckled at first, but a little embarrassed he said, "No, I wasn't talkin' to the Doc."
Kate opened her mouth to speak but Sawyer beat her to it, "Figured if Jack's roaming around, then … just thought I should ask permission first before I go into someone tent, that's all."
Kate trying to process what she had just heard him say, "So you were talking to Sun and Jin? Asking permission to go into their tent?" She had to bite back the grin that was forming on her lips. "But they weren't really there?"
He was definitely embarrassed when he glanced back over his shoulder and saw her face grimacing into a big fat goofy grin, "Yeah, yeah … go on and have yourself a good old giggle, why don't ya'? But you just wait and see when you have your first encounter with a damn ghost … it changes things." He took a drink from the water bottle he'd dug out of his backpack while they were talking, then added. "Just because we can't see them, doesn't mean they ain't there sassafras."
Then the smug smile disappeared from her lips when she was remembering her ghost encounter in the hatch again. The way she had thought that Wayne could be in Sawyers body in that moment was contradicting anything she was feeling for the wounded man lying in that bunk bed.
How she ran off, kept seeing that horse too … but Charlie couldn't see it. And she remembered how she'd kissed Jack, desperately wanting and wishing to feel something … anything. Wishing to feel the same if not more for him as what she was feeling for Sawyer. Because loving Jack would've been so much easier. But when she realized that kissing Jack didn't compare the least to that first kiss with Sawyer, so she ran again. She ran because she couldn't deny her feelings any longer.
And of course she ran because with that stupid kiss and that look in Jack's eyes she knew she'd just started something she had no intentions of pursuing anymore. It wasn't that she didn't care about Jack. It wasn't that at all. She cared deeply for him, as a matter of fact she had loved him too but after that kiss in had become clear as day that it wasn't the same kind of love she was feeling towards Sawyer. And she hated herself for always falling for the man she shouldn't have, couldn't have. Tom, Kevin and now Sawyer. – 'You can't help who you love.'
And as if Sawyer could read her mind he said, "Besides, you said yourself that you've seen a ghost in the hatch … so I ain't crazy princess!" He paused, taking another big swig from the bottle, emptying it all the way, "Speaking of which, are you ready to tell me about the hatch ghost?"
She shook her head, "No, not yet."
He noticed that she wasn't smiling anymore, as a matter of fact she looked a little upset, so he decided to let it go again for the time being. "Later then?"
She nodded, "Yeah, later."
She took a glance down at the book in her hand now, passed by Sawyer to find a shady spot in the tent again and started looking through the book.
He watched her rather curiously as she rifled through the pages, clearly not really reading anything. It didn't take her long before she shoved the book inside her backpack, and made herself comfortable lying down.
He glanced over to her from his spot on the old worn out airplane seat right outside his tent, then he asked, "What are you doing?"
She lifted her head to meet his eyes, "I'm taking a nap. Why?"
"No reason. It's just … I don't think I've ever seen you nappin' in the middle of the day, that's all?" He thought about it for a moment then added, "Well, except for when we did the dirty, then we both usually napped a little afterwards."
"I'm just really tired." She said before she yawned, and for some reason it made him smile. It didn't take long before she was fast asleep.
Sitting there all alone in his old familiar spot, he scanned the beach up and down. Wondering if and when they'd show up again to rescue Kate and him. Wondering why they hadn't waited for them in the first place.
It wasn't long before he grew bored with his own thoughts, so he looked over at the stack of magazines. Picked up the one on top - 'Booty babes '- and was just about to open it up when something changed his mind. His eyes wandered over to her backpack where one corner of the book was peeking out of the opened zipper.
He threw the magazine back at the pile and instead pulled the book out of her backpack and started to look through it himself. He had told her the truth when he'd said that he'd never had any interest in reading it before. But that was then.
Things were different now. Maybe it wouldn't be that bad of an idea to know what was in store for her if she really was pregnant. He glanced back at her sleeping form on his old 'bed', then went to the index in the very back of the book.
Eagerly turning the page to 'F'. He began tracing his big calloused index finger down the f's, looking for 'fatigue' when he stopped at the third f-word from the top instead.
'Fainting, 236 -237', and anemia, 208. See also Dizziness' it read. Curious now he turned to page 208 and started reading, followed by page 236 and 237.
A little while later he closed the book, feeling just a tiny bit smarter now in the whole baby department. He got up and moved his seat around so that he could keep an eye on her while she was sleeping. Leaned forward from his seat, grabbed the 'Booty babes' magazine and started 'reading' it.
Kate sleepily sat up and rubbed at her eyes. It still wasn't dark yet and it wasn't raining yet either when she found her way out of the tent. She didn't know why, but she immediately started to panic when she scanned the camp and beach and couldn't see him.
"Sawyer?" she yelled out first, but then shook her head bewildered to herself.
"James?" she yelled this time.
Relieved when she saw him moments later coming out of the jungle waving his hand. "What's up?"
"Where were you?"
He came closer now, tossing a mango her way. "Getting us something else to eat other than fish."
Then he saw that look in her eyes, "You thought I split?"
"No." she pretended. "It's just, I woke up and you were gone. Just didn't know where you were, that's all."
"Didn't go far, babe. Was already on my way back when I heard you yellin' for me."
He had an armful of fruit that he carefully put inside his pack now before he sat down in the sand with one mango still in his hand.
"Sit." He pointed towards the airline seat and she sat down.
He dug out his pocketknife, opened it, wiped the blade off on his pants first and then proceeded to cut the mango. Handed it to her so she could start eating. Took the other mango from her now and cut that one up for himself.
"How long did I sleep?" she asked him in between bites.
"I'd guess about two hours."
"Two hours?" she asked surprised. "Really?"
"Yeah, you slept for quite a while." He paused for a moment, then added, "Looked up 'fatigue' in that baby book. Says it's pretty normal in the first couple months." He paused to take another bite, then added, "Oh, and fainting is fairly common too."
She eyed the book suspiciously, then picked it up with her free hand and opened it up on her lap. Sawyer spoke up again as he watched her turning pages too fast. "There's an index in the back."
She looked up at him for a moment, then turned her attention back to the book and opened the back pages that read index at the top. But unlike him she wasn't looking for 'f' … she was looking for 'a' as in alcohol. Referring her to page 70, she started to read.
After all she had gotten pretty drunk the night she found out that he'd supposedly died, ergo she must have been already pregnant at that point. Kate was more than relieved to read that chances that she'd actually harmed her baby were slim to none.
But the other thing she'd been worried about she couldn't find under the index section. She had had an MRI done the same day that Sawyer had taken off towards that cabin. Her doctor had been so insistent … and now she was wondering if that might have done some damage. Frustrated she put the book down again and finished up the last couple of bites of her mango.
She looked up at Sawyer and suddenly remembering that she hadn't even thanked him. "Thank you James." She said and watched him turn his attention to her.
"For what?"
"The book and the mango." Then she thought about it for a second and said, "The clothes, the raft and rescuing me. Thanks for everything."
That dimple smile she just loved appeared, "Don't sweat it Sweetheart. Was all my pleasure!"
And there it was. Suddenly overcast, the sun was gone, thunder roared and big fat rain drops started to fall, making both of them quickly seek cover within the tent itself. Sawyer grabbed the old first class seat and pulled it in as well, making a gesture with his hand for her to sit down again.
"Just like old times, ain't it?"
Kate just nodded as she plopped herself down onto the seat at the edge of their tent, watching the rain fall down all around them. Sawyer sat down leaning his back against the metal fuselage piece behind him. They both sat there just staring out onto their camp and the beach as everything was getting drenched in rain.
Neither of them really knew how, when or why, but without warning and without speaking their eyes met and as if it had become an unspoken challenge, neither wanting the break the gaze. So they sat there across from each other, staring each other down. If it hadn't been for the seriousness portrait on their faces it could've almost been funny.
Kate finally broke down and looked away first, shifting uncomfortably in her seat, "I really thought we'd make it. I really thought we could somehow have it all and … grow old together." Her voice was full with emotion, but she fought an inner battle with herself to not start crying again. So far her will was stronger than the tears.
"I did too." He replied without having to think about it. But as soon as those three little words had left his mouth he wondered how on earth they'd come to have this conversation now … and here in his tent of all places. His tent, where they always seemed to come together in the moonlight but then would break apart again come morning light. But then again, that seemed like a million years ago.
Neither of them spoke for a moment, and this uncomfortable silence seemed to almost force her to speak up again. "I came back for you." Her voice was still full with emotion, but she'd gotten them in check. Her head held high, chest pushed out a little with her back straightened up. Like she was physically preparing herself for the conversation to continue now. 'Now or never' was what she was thinking.
"I know … but it ain't that simple Sweetheart. I can't … this is … this island is where I'm supposed to be now." He tried to sound truthful, but he did not like where this conversation was heading. And every time he looked at her as he talked about his newfound destiny, he saw that image of her again. That image of her standing in their driveway in L.A. on the day that he'd left her behind.
And then his heart would tell him to drop down on his knees and beg for her forgiveness, but his mind told him he had to stay strong and firm to make her believe this is what he truly wants now. The irony in that scenario did not get by him unnoticed. He had spend most of his adult life conning woman after woman into thinking that he cared about them … that he loved them even. And he'd succeeded every single time. And now that he'd found THE ONE. The one he really loved, he had to make her believe that he didn't love her enough to stay. This was the toughest con he'd ever have to see through.
But then she changed the game all together again when she shook her head and confessed, "I'm not talking about now. I'm talking about two years ago, James. Two years ago I came back for you."
Pushing his hands down into the sand to sit up a little straighter, his eyes locked on hers now, "You said you came back for Claire." The accusatory undertone of that statement didn't go unnoticed by Kate.
"I did." She nodded. "I had to fix a big mistake … you know, James, I told you all about Carole showing up at the church. I had to bring Claire back to him, back to Aaron. But I was hoping that … hoping to find you too." She smiled to herself as she shook her head. "And I know that sounds really stupid, I mean if I really think about it, then all of it was just so incredibly stupid. I was just so confused and so out of my mind … I was so naïve when I made this idiotic promise to Carole that I would bring her daughter back to her. I mean I didn't even know if Claire was still alive."
She finally lifted her head to look back at him again, "I didn't know if you were still alive either, but I hoped you were. And I thought that if you were still here, then I'd be different this time. After Aaron … I knew that I could be different. I would try my best to be someone that deserved someone like you. I could be good. Hoping that it wasn't too late for us. Hoping that Cassidy was wrong about you ... that you did love me. But then …" Tears began to fall now rather freely but she was fighting to regain her compose. Looking away from him and trying to catch her breath … and it seemed to work.
He couldn't hold back any longer and repeated the words that had struck him the most, "Deserve someone like me?" He looked at her as if she'd just said the craziest thing he'd ever heard.
He bent forward towards her, lifted her chin with his left hand to get her full attention when he said, "Sweetheart, I wasn't exactly prince charming if you remember." And just like that with the sarcastic yet lighthearted tone of his voice he'd managed to make her laugh in between sobs. "You must have banged your head pretty damn hard when that chopper went down because I damn sure wasn't someone that deserved you."
Kate wiped at her face, unable to speak … unsure of what to say.
He paused for a second then his face grew serious, "Hell babe, before I met you … before you nobody ever gave a damn about me. At least not anyone that I hadn't conned into thinking that I cared for them too. I had never done a good thing in my life before. Your bff Cassie can vouch for that. She'd met the real me, and I know she told you all about him."
Wiping her face with the back of her hand, she retorted rather quickly, "That's not the real you. She doesn't know the real you. I met the real you." Her voice no longer faltering, instead it was stern and serious. "I know the real you James."
Sawyer couldn't look at her anymore, this conversation turning too serious for his liking. But somehow he just couldn't help himself, even after all this time, after everything that had happened and after everyone they'd lost, there were so many things unsaid between them, maybe it was finally time.
She'd be leaving soon and maybe they'd need this talk to move on, maybe she needs this to move on without him. So he swallowed hard before he answered, "Anyhow, I already knew that. Knew you came back for me too. Figured that out last week when you explained to me why you slept with the doc the night before coming back." He paused for a moment, then added, "And … I thought you'd come back for me anyhow. When the doc said that you made him promise to never ask you why, hell I figured that meant you didn't wanna tell him … didn't wanna tell him you came back for me."
Silence … besides the rain falling down around them. Sounding like little rock pebbles as they were hitting the tarp above them.
Kate sat there, her elbows resting on her knees, her eyes closed with her face completely buried in both her hands. His voice startled her.
"So why didn't you tell me?"
She looked up at him, not entirely sure what the exact subject was now.
So he elaborated, "On the dock, why didn't you tell me you came back for me?" His eyes were soft and inviting, his facial features equally soft … he was asking sincerely, not at all sounding accusatory towards her. Not angry at all.
She shifted sideways, her entire body facing him now, her eyes on his, "I wanted to, I really did, but you were in love with Juliet. And she … she had just died, I mean literally just hours ago … how could I just say that to you then? How could I just sit there while you're heartbroken over her and say, 'Oh remember how you asked me why I came back? I came back for you. I came back because I still love you and was hoping you still love me too.'"
She shook her head to herself, eyes downcast towards her own feet, "I wanted to tell you, but after everything … you and her would've gotten away, and she'd still be alive if I hadn't come after you on that sub. How could I be so cruel and declare my love for you when she'd just died in your arms? Who would do something like that?"
He sighed, shaking his head to himself.
And at first she thought he was disgusted with her, but when her eyes met his she read the opposite in his big blue eyes staring back at her. Trying to understand what he was thinking, she asked, "What?"
He looked right at her when he sighed again … obviously uncomfortabe, hesitating for a moment, unsure of how to say this. She waited patiently to hear what he had to say. "When I woke up at the damn temple … you know, after those bastards had jumped Miles and me."
She nodded, so he continued, "When I woke up … when I opened my eyes and …" He waved his hand in a grand gesture, "… there you were again. Taking care of me, like always." Their eyes met again and he continued, "And I knew … I still loved you, but then I got pissed at myself because … because of her. Because of Juliet. Because she'd been right about me … she'd seen right through me and my act. And because she deserved better than that. She deserved someone with enough self control to actually grief her. She deserved someone to grief for her longer then it takes her body to go rigid. So I had to get the hell out of there."
She was still staring at him, "That's why you left?"
He locked eyes again with her and nodded.
Both of them looking at each other in silence once again. Both of them fixated on one another, unable to break the gaze … because this was new. New and heartbreaking … and somehow exciting at the same time. The last time they'd had an honest talk like this was the night before their wedding. The night neither of them could sleep … until they'd talked.
Kate finally spoke up, without removing the intense gaze they were holding. "The Ring."
"What about it?" He said, knowing exactly where this was heading.
And then she said something. It wasn't really how or what she said, but the intensity in her eyes … and for some crazy reason … his mind was playing tricks on him or maybe he was just completely losing his mind. But it was like Juliet was sitting right there. The rain, the seriousness in her eyes … the heartbreaking future lying ahead of them … all in all he was shocked. Stunned. Like someone had just punched him and knocked all the air right out of him …
… and all because Kate said, "Why don't you tell me now?"
Sawyer couldn't take it anymore. He looked away and finally let out the breath he had been holding. Sighing loudly and suddenly nervous like some love-struck teenage boy … he hated the way he felt right then and there.
Kate watched him in awe and seconds felt like hours while she saw him pull away again. Building those walls right back up. Those walls that she thought she'd destroyed a long time ago.
"Why can't you tell me? You were willing to tell me last week? Why can't you tell me now?" She didn't understand him. She couldn't understand him.
He finally gathered enough courage to snap back at her, "Why does it even matter anymore who that stupid ring was meant for? The damn thing's long gone and we've moved on." His eyes had grown angry again, and she hated how he could be loving and sincere one moment and then cold as ice the next.
But she was used to this by now. They are both so much alike. They were two of a kind. So she spat back at him, "Have we James? Have we moved on?"
He looked at her confused and offended, "We're married, ain't we?" His tone of voice anything but sweet.
She snorted in an unflattering fashion, pushing the wet curls out of her face as she looked back out towards the beach, "Yeah, we're married and that just fixes everything!" There was so much sarcasm portrait in that sentence; she almost regretted it the moment it had left her lips.
He was losing his cool now, "What the hell's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing." She retorted and got up and started to walk away. Walking out into the rain.
He jumped up himself, quickly grabbing her arm and pulling her back out of the rain and under the protective cover, "What the hell are you saying Kate?"
She looked up at him as she yanked her arm back out of his tight grip, "I mean just because we got married … it means it doesn't just erase all the hurtful things we said and did or doing now. It's pretty damn obvious that we were kidding ourselves if we thought we ever had a chance. Just saying 'I do' doesn't fix anything. A promise like that's no good if you can't keep it, James."
He was so angry but also clearly hurt by her words, "Look, I always knew that I wasn't the marrying kind … but I meant every damn thing I said to you that day."
"Oh really?" She paused, folding her arms in front of herself, "As long as we both shall live? Did you mean that too?"
"We've already been over this. I can't fucking leave this island anymore. I did what I had to do."
"Yeah, so everyone keeps telling me. You did what you had to do." She started walking again, right into the midst of the rain, but too fast this time that he couldn't pull her back in.
"What the hell are you doing? Where are you going? Get back under here?" He followed her out into the rain … followed her towards the tree line, were the jungle meets the beach.
She started moving faster, he sped up too to catch up with her, "Damn it girl, don't do this. It's coming down hard."
She didn't stop, didn't even look back. Just marched on into the jungle, already soaked through to the skin and he followed her, finally catching up with her as he grabbed her arm.
"God damn it, Kate. Stop."
He spun her around, and she struggled against him, trying to fight him off so she could keep on walking. So she could keep on running.
But he held on tight. His fingers digging hard into her upper arm, probably leaving bruises. But he wouldn't let her go, and that's when tears started to fall. She was breaking down again, right in front of him. Raindrops falling down, running down her cheeks mixed up with the tears that were falling.
And he'd been mad, he didn't wanna talk about the ring and Juliet anymore, but he didn't want this either. He didn't want her all upset again either.
He grabbed both upper arms and almost shook her to get her to look up at him, "Talk to me god damn it. Stop running away every time we don't agree and just fucking talk to me."
And she cried.
She cried and her heart was ripping apart all over again when she finally said what she'd been thinking all along. What she'd been afraid to admit out loud all along. "You still love her."
It wasn't a question. It was what she thought was the truth. It was what she thought was his reason for coming back here.
Here. This place. The island. Where he'd lived happily with her. Her. … Ohhhhh, how she hated HER!
She stared up at him. Pleading eyes … just wanting the truth. But at the same time wishing the truth wasn't true.
Why did you leave me … again?
And he hadn't seen this coming at all. Never would have thought that she felt this way. Why would she think that after all this time?
"What?" he asked, because he clearly didn't understand.
"You love her." She stared at him with her green eyes wide open, face grimacing in pain, like it was physically hurting her to say these words to him, "You still love her. And you always will."
He let go of her arms, shaking his head in disbelieve.
Why would she say that? Why would she think that? Was she really going crazy now? … Or maybe she ain't!
Now she looked away because he didn't deny it … he hadn't said anything to deny it. That was all the answer she needed as she turned back around to head deeper into the jungle, not even sure where she was going. Just away. Away. Away from him. Fast.
He finally regained his composure, the initial shock of her 'accusation' wearing off as he grabbed her arm … just in time to keep her from running off again.
Within seconds both his hands travel up her arms and ended up framing her face. Forcing her to look at him once again as the words were coming out so easily … so unrehearsed. Because now after all this time he knows exactly how he feels about her and … well, the other her, "Yeah, I love her. I will always love her. But … but not like I love you. Freckles, don't you fucking get it? The ring … I kept the damn ring for you. I never loved her like I loved you … like I still fucking love you!"
The courage in his eyes … she's not sure she's ever seen him like this. Yeah, he'd said 'I love you' to her time and again since they'd gotten married, but never like this … never ever like this! And she knows she should be satisfied, she knows this is what she'd hoped for … but at the same time it isn't.
He does still love her too. He still can't or won't tell her why he's here. And even though he says he loves her more, he won't leave this place for her.
She's bewildered. She's emotional. She's a complete mess.
Her mind is racing … her mind is running. A mile a minute.
Juliet … Juliet. What is it about Juliet? What makes her so god damn special?
And it's like she forgot everything again he'd just said. Like she didn't hear a word he'd just said. Like she didn't hear him say that he always loved and loves her more than his precious Juliet. It all went in one ear and out the other.
Because she hates her. She fucking hates her. She'd tried to like her once. She'd been thankful when she saved Jack that time. But then she'd loved Sawyer. No James. My James. And he loved her back.
He will always love her. And I will always hate her!
Big fat tears are rolling down her cheeks again, but it's hard to tell them apart from the raindrops. And she's reached a point of no return now. This is it. This is the last straw. She can't stop herself anymore, all the doubt and tucked away emotional baggage about his relationship with the other woman come bubbling up to the surface. Spilling over the edge. Spilling out of her mouth like hot lava.
Yeah, exactly like Lava. Slowly making their way down the mountain, setting everything ablaze and destroying everything in their path. Her eyes staring into his, "I don't believe you." And with that she violently grabs his hands, pulls them off her face and gives him a push with all the strength she can muster. She needs distance.
He's taken aback by this and stumbles backwards, but quickly regains his footing. "You don't believe what?"
"Anything you said." Comes back at him faster then he'd expected. Then she rambles on. "You said you didn't trust her. You said you felt the same way I did about her. You said she would have shot me. And then you fall in love with her? How can you fall in love with someone that was going to kill me?"
He's stunned. He's speechless. But either way, even if he'd have known what to say, he wouldn't have had a chance to say it … because she was too fast … still going on about Juliet.
"And then … and then and you were going to leave the island on that sub. With her. You were going to leave all of us behind. Just like Jack … you were going to leave with her and leave us behind exactly like Jack. You were going to leave me … for her. And I'm supposed to believe that you always loved me more? You're lying. You're a god damn liar, Sawyer. And you always will be. A liar. A conman. You're never gonna change." And suddenly all the lectures from Cassidy come flooding back to her. All those conversations and arguments about him. What if Cassidy was right all along?
The intensity of her eyes on him. The hurt, the anguish, the anger … the fury!
And suddenly he feels it too. Like an electric charge surging through his veins. The accusations getting to him now, because he knows … he remembers exactly why he did what he did.
Jack and her! Her and Jack!
He's screaming now. Not yelling … no, literally screaming in her face, "YOU LEFT WITH JACK!" He's fuming. How dare she say he didn't love her?
"What?" She screams back at him.
He yells back at her, "I asked you to come with me. I flat out fucking asked you to come with me and you … you chose Jack. You left with Jack." Then he adds, "Again!" for good measure.
At first she's baffled by this. Her eyes scattering around, lingering somewhere on his upper body … not really able to focus on anything … unable to focus on any one thing.
Then the sound of her voice, quite and hurt … so different from her yelling at him a second ago. Stuttering. The words on her lips but not quite in the right order yet, "Y-you … Shhheee … She didn't want me to go." She's slightly shaking her head along with the words, to emphasize the meaning.
Then she looks back up at him again, confident again in what she wants to say … what she's going to say, "You were right there, James! You called me Freckles and then … Then she made it pretty clearly that she didn't want me to go with you. She didn't skip a beat when she gave me the code for the fence … you were right there. You heard what she said and how she'd said it. She was telling me to go."
Sawyer looks like he's about to lose it. He turns away from her, walks a wide but fast circle around … nothing. Like he's caged in again, except that he isn't. He could easily turn and walk away. Walk away from this and from her. And why does it even matter anymore?
They are over. They are so fucking over!
But he can't walk away. His hands running through his hair. Grabbing and pulling at his own hair in complete and utter frustration. He's so mad, he can't even look at her. He's mad because he knows what he wants to say. He knows how he feels about all of this. How he felt back then, in that moment … when she chose Jack again. When she came back after 3 god damn years to then turn around and leave with Jack again.
And yet at the same time he's ashamed of what he thought back then. Ashamed of what he's thinking now. Had he only said back then what he really felt. But he didn't want to hurt Juliet. Things could have been different. Juliet would have been mad, heartbroken if he'd said what he felt back then. But … but maybe she'd still be alive. So now … now he can't help himself anymore. He can't stop himself any longer from saying it out loud. But he isn't just saying it out loud. No.
He stops pacing and stares right back at Kate when he screams, "Who cares what the fuck she said? It didn't fucking matter what the fuck she said? All that should have mattered is what I said. And I said come with us. Come with me. But instead, you went with him. HIM!"
She didn't expect that. She'd never realized that he'd felt that way. After all, he was in a relationship with Juliet.
"James." It sounds like she's trying to plead with him. Soft and hurt and apologetic. "I thought … You were with her. You and her were together. How was I suppose to know that? How was I suppose to know that it would matter this much to you who I would go with? How? You were with her! HER! You were living with her for 3 years. And she didn't want me to go … I was trying to do the right thing. I was trying to walk away and let you be happy … with her. And don't think for one minute that it didn't kill me. Seeing you with her … it was killing me!"
Her soft voice and the hurt look in her eyes don't do anything for his demeanor. He's on fire now. All the things he thought. All the things he felt. All the things he never said out loud. Because their mean and ugly and they make him feel like his old self again … they make him feel like Sawyer again. But he can't stop them anymore from leaving his tongue, "Don't you think I hadn't thought about that? You have no fucking clue how I felt when you came back."
He pauses for a few seconds, looking at her and she can see it in his eyes. She can see him thinking, undecided if he should go on or not. And even though he's yelling and screaming and mad as hell, she wants to know. She wants to know what he felt back then. She knows it shouldn't matter anymore, after all this time, but strangely it does. It matters to her. Because she was so lost in those days. She was so angry at everything and everyone, she just didn't show it. She put on a brave face and her best attempts at genuine smiles … because she'd lost everyone she'd ever loved.
So yeah, it mattered to her what he was feeling … even after all this time, she wants to know what he'd been feeling.
He sighs angry before he continued, "So I'm in the Van driving back to Dharmaville, and I'm completely out of my mind. Because all I'm thinking is that you are back. That you came back. And I'm happy, I'm so fucking happy. And then it dawns on me. Juliet."
He pauses and swallows hard and Kate is somehow mesmerized by his Adams apple bobbing with the swallow, then he goes on. "And I felt sick to my stomach because I thought I loved her. I mean, I knew I loved her, but then I saw you and I knew I loved you more. There was no doubt about it anymore with both of you there … in the same fucking time zone."
Kate spoke up, "Why didn't you say that? Why didn't you give me a sign? Anything? Instead you avoided me as much as you could."
His blue eyes were staring back at her with fierce intensity, "Of course I was avoiding you. What was I suppose to do Kate? Throw a bag at her and say 'Pack your shit Blondie, Freckles' back'?"
The ugly ugly truth was that it had actually crossed his mind …
End Note: Please leave a review if you have a moment to spare, it's much appreciated. Thank you!