Flashback (continuation)
Kate woke up with a start. It was still dark out. She'd hardly gotten any sleep because of all the painful cramping during the night. She quickly moved on to cleaning herself up, before she put her brown cargo pants on again for the day ahead.
As she held the bloody rags in her hand she looked around her tent, wondering for a moment what to do with them.
She was slowly coming to terms with it all. Maybe it was for the better. Who knows if they'd ever be able to contact Naomi's boat ... I mean who really knows what's going to happen to them all.
She wiped a tear away with the back of her hand that had no blood on it.
It's not like she wanted a baby. Hadn't she just told Sawyer a couple nights ago that she didn't want to get pregnant?
But now things were different ... somehow.
Maybe if they would get rescued and then she and Sawyer could've ... no, that was just crazy talk ... wishful thinking.
She wasn't mother material and Sawyer surely didn't seem like the fatherly type either. Remembering momentarily how he always complained about Aaron's cries.
She shook her head to herself and wiped another tear away. It really didn't matter anymore what could've been, she thought as she started to dig a hole in the sand with her hands to bury and hide the bloody rags out of sight. And thinking that after she buried them, maybe the smell of blood that seemed so overwhelming would disappear too.
A couple hours later Sawyer found himself standing outside Kate's tent. Holding two large water bottles in his hands that he'd just filled up. One for himself, one for her. A peace offering.
He'd hardly gotten any sleep last night. Images of the real Sawyer and how he wrapped that chain around the man's neck were still haunting him, and the fact that the others are planning to take all the pregnant women, which might include Kate, wasn't helping the situation either.
Also Jack had managed to get to him with his 'I told you so' speech ... and maybe it was time to start listening to the Doc.
He hesitated for a moment, not quite sure of how she'd be towards him ... considering the way he'd acted towards her last night. If she was pissed at him, he'd probably deserve it.
But right when he'd finally decided to see if she's home, she pushed the flap of her tent aside and bumped right into his chest.
She looked up at him and he looked down at her, both smiling slightly when Sawyer said, "Ready to see what the Doc's got up his sleeve?" He handed her one of the water bottles.
She nodded up at him, took the bottle and said, "Yup."
And just like that, all the tension from the night before had vanished, at least for now.
Later that sameday ...
They'd made it back from their little excursion, and Sawyer had to admit that Jack's plan could actually work ... once again Jack could be the hero. But that was the least of his problems right now.
He wished he had the time to just sit and think things through, but he didn't have that luxury at the moment. Nor was he ready to tell Kate what had happened with Locke in the jungle ... he wondered what she'd think of him if she knew what he'd done. Would she be disgusted with him? After all, he'd killed a tied up and unarmed man!
He definitely wasn't ready to be a father!
Kate somehow had disappeared into thin air after they'd arrived back at the beach, but that suited Sawyer just fine when he was walking over to Juliet's tent for a chat.
Juliet stood up when she saw Sawyer approach her, wondering what he'd have to say to her this time.
Would he apologize for being so hostile towards her? Surely not. He didn't seem like the kind that would admit when he's wrong. But then again, she had come here under false pretenses and his initial suspicions towards her had been valid.
Sawyer and Juliet's eyes locked on one another when he stopped right in front of her. Glaring down at her with a scowl, "Listen up Blondie, 'cause I'm only gonna say this once."
Juliet folded her arms in front of herself, obviously not very impressed nor intimidated by Sawyer's attempt to scare her, "I'm listening."
Her blue eyes glared back at him as she plastered on her standard 'stepford wives' smile.
"When Jack tells you to mark the tents of the supposedly pregnant women ..." He stopped for a moment, suddenly overwhelmed with emotions. All he saw when he looked at Juliet was the blond woman holding a gun to Kates head less than three weeks ago. He felt a sudden rage come over him again, when he saw her blue eyes staring back at him.
The wall came back up, the scowl back on his face and he looked angrier then Juliet had ever seen him when he said, "If you so much as look in the direction of Kate's tent I'll kill you. You get what I'm sayin'?"
Because that's who he was now. A killer. A murderer!
Juliets arms fell to her side when she came to the sudden realization that he was serious. All the coolness she'd been trying to portrait left her in an instant. She nodded and just quietly answered, "Yeah, I understand."
And without another word, Sawyer turned around and walked away.
Hours had passed. Karl had arrived with his warning that the others were going to attack tonight. Bernard, Jin and Sayid stayed back at the beach to detonate the explosives. Charlie and Desmond were on their way to the underwater station to turn off a switch.
And here were the rest of them walking towards the radio tower.
Kate looked around once again for Sawyer. He was either walking somewhere ahead of her or somewhere behind her. She'd lost track of him a while ago.
The heavy bleeding had stopped, but she still didn't feel quite like herself.
She noticed Jack had stopped to talk to Naomi, but Juliet kept on walking. With a heavy sigh she contemplated whether or not to talk to her. She'd lie of course. Glancing back at Jack one more time before she sped up to catch up with Juliet.
Juliet looked at her with a shy smile on her face as Kate caught up with her but didn't say anything. So they both walked side by side for several minutes without speaking or acknowledging each other until Juliet couldn't bite her tongue anymore.
"Why aren't you with James?" the blond woman asked without so much as looking at Kate.
"Why aren't you with Jack?" Kate fired back instantaneously.
"Touché!" Juliet almost giggled.
Kate wasn't in a giddy mood. She glanced behind her to see if Sawyer was anywhere within earshot or if Jack was catching up to them yet. When she saw that neither was the case she finally spoke up.
"One of the other women wants me to ask you something ... a question." Kate started, realizing quickly how ridiculous she sounded. Juliet could probably see right through her.
Juliet looked at her sideways but kept on walking at a steady pace, "Oh" she huffed, and then smiled at Kate as she continued, "What was the question?"
Kate looked back at her for a brief moment, then focused her eyes on something up ahead of them both, "She thinks she might've been pregnant, but that she lost the baby. She's wondering how to tell if she had a miscarriage. She thinks she had one."
Clearly surprised Juliet stopped dead in her tracks, Kate stopped too. The blonde asked concerned, "Why would she think that?"
Kate looked around rather uncomfortable, and they both started walking again simultaneously, "She said that she was bleeding heavier then usually, and she had very bad cramps too."
"A lot of women have heavy bleeds and cramping." Juliet stated back quickly.
Kate fired back, "Yeah, but she normally doesn't cramp at all ... at least that's what she said."
"I don't think she had a miscarriage." Juliet stated without any hesitation or doubt in her voice.
Kate was clearly surprised by that, "How can you be so sure?"
"I'm not. I can't be entirely sure without examining her, but ..." Juliet paused and looked at Kate again, "... this island, it's different. I've been here for 3 years working with pregnant women. And unless there is actual physical damage to the mother, there are no miscarriages here. Not here. Not on this island."
Kate was clearly shocked by that statement, unable to keep the emotion from showing on her face, "But you said ... the first night when we came back and Claire was sick, you said that the woman's body turns on the pregnancy or something like that. Couldn't that cause a miscarriage? Wouldn't that explain the cramping and heavy bleeding?"
"No, I'm sorry Kate, but that's not what happens." Juliet shook her head, "Instead of miscarrying ... the mothers ... they die."
Kate stayed quiet as they both walked on. Juliet did too.
"Is there even another woman? Or are we talking about you Kate?" Juliet blurted out without a warning.
Kate looked at her in shock again, "Why would I lie?"
Juliet just shot her a look that spoke volumes, then asked, "Then why wouldn't this woman come and talk to me herself? Why send you?"
Kate raised her voice when she answered, "Because nobody trusts you."
A few fellow survivors stopped to look at the two women, but then carried on their walk when they saw Juliet and Kate do the same.
"Kate, if you think there is something wrong with you ..."
Kate interrupted her before she could speak on, "I told you I wasn't talking about me. Anyway, I'll tell her that you think she didn't miscarriage, and I'll tell her to talk to you herself from now on." And with that, Kate sped up to get away from Juliet.
Jack walked up to Juliet. Walking side by side with her now, looking at her. "What was that all about?"
Juliet smiled as she looked back at him, "Girl talk."
Jack chuckled clearly not believing it but decided not to pry, as they both walked on together.
Juliet glanced up ahead at Kate with a worried look on her face.
The day had turned to night and then to day again.
They all had witnessed only two explosions, wondering if it had or hadn't worked. But for Suns and Roses benefit, nobody wanted to come out and say it again.
She should go back to the beach. She knew she should, it was the right thing to do. But Sawyer wasn't interested, and who else would possibly go with her. Not like she'd want to go with anyone else.
Kate watched him walk away, passing the other people that were still refilling their water bottles with some fresh water from the creek.
His voice so loud and mean still ringing in her ears, "Well, let's hope you're not."
Well, I'm not, are you happy now, she wanted to yell back at him. But she didn't. She just couldn't.
She'd thought that she'd lost his baby. Up until yesterday she'd thought so and her emotions about it all were still running high and raw. And now Juliet had her convinced that she hadn't even been pregnant at all. Miscarriages don't happen on this island. She felt like an idiot for even thinking she'd been pregnant.
But why was she still feeling different? Why was she feeling sad? And why couldn't she just tell Sawyer about it all? Why was she using it as some sort of leverage against him?
Deep down she knew the answer to all those questions. She felt like she was losing him, his walls were coming back up and he was shutting her out again ... the possibility of being pregnant was the only thing that still connected her to him. Him to her ... he'd have to talk to her. He'd have to acknowledge that, wouldn't he?
She fought the urge to cry ... too many people all around her. She glanced over and saw Rose and Sun standing side by side. If anyone had a reason to cry it would be those two ... she should be happy, because her man might be a stubborn brooding self-destructive first class jerk, but he was here with them and he was alive and well.
Kate carried on uphill; lost in her own thoughts she tried to stay just a few paces behind Sawyer. She knew something had happened when he'd spend the night in the jungle with John Locke ... and she also knew that it was something serious, that he wasn't willing to share with her yet ... or maybe ever.
But she also knew somewhere in there was still the same man that held her in his arms a couple of nights ago. The same guy that had kissed her temple and was so gentle ... so gentle and loving with her. She knew he was capable of that, capable of love. They both were, if they could just get over their demons.
About a week later back at their beach camp
The sun hadn't come up yet and the entire camp was still fast asleep. Or so it seemed to Juliet when she crept into Kates tent unnoticed.
Her icy-blue eyes fell upon the brunettes sleeping form on the old airplane seat. The smell of blood lingered within the four 'walls' of the tent itself. Maybe not to a novice, but a doctor like herself, she registered the smell immediately.
Juliet wondered for a minute if she should even tell her. What good would come from it anyhow? Kate could go on believing that she hadn't in fact been pregnant. She could go on believing that it was just menstrual cramps and such, maybe intensified by this mysterious island.
But Juliet knew better than that. After the big dilemma with Sun and Jin yesterday, where she had to expose the otherwise friendly and good natured Korean woman as a cheater, ... after all that she was just tired of keeping any more secrets to herself.
She longed for a friendship. A companionship ... a girlfriend. She also knew that Kate would and could never be that. But still she knew that she had to tell Kate the truth. She knew that Kate had a right to know that she had been pregnant. And that she wasn't just imagining things ... she had lost her baby. She should be allowed to mourn it, shouldn't she? Would she even mourn it?
Juliet wasn't very fond of Kate. More the opposite. After reading the brunettes file she'd come to this conclusion. Kate hadn't had an easy life, Juliet knew that, after reading her file. And even though Juliets own life hadn't been a dream come true either, she'd never want to trade with the young woman from Iowa. Never!
She'd had it rough, to say the least. But at the same time a lot of things that had brought Kate anguish throughout her life had been caused by her own doing.
And Kate was also fickle. Strong minded, strong willed but yet fickle. And even though it had become clear that her heart was with the rugged cowboy, she still had strong feelings towards Jack as well. That much Juliet knew. Fickle!
Kate looked exhausted, she thought to herself. But regardless, Juliet finally mustered the courage to gently nudge the sleeping woman out of her sleep.
Kate shot up defensively when she felt someone touch her arm, nudging her. When she saw Juliet towering above her she was more than just defensive, she was confused, "What are you doing here? What do you want?"
Kate registered the upset expression on the blondes face. The two women just stared at each other in silence until Juliet finally whispered, "Did you want to have a baby?"
Kate sat up now and seemed annoyed, whispering back, "I already told you ..."
But Juliet interrupts her, her voice firm, "Did you want it?"
Their eyes lock again and Kate suddenly sees the sincerity behind Juliets eyes and gives up the attempt of denying it any longer, "I'm not sure ... Maybe." A loud sigh escaped her lips and then a whispered, "Yes" followed. Her voice sounds almost frightened ... scared of admitting it to herself.
Juliet broke the gaze first, staring at the ground as she let herself sink onto the sandy floor, "I do think you had a miscarriage."
Kate got off her airplane seat and sat onto the ground next to her, not wanting to speak too loud and risk being overheard by someone.
Juliet started to ramble, "We didn't have to gas you ... you were locked away. You wouldn't have been able to see where we were going from where we kept you. But ... We only gassed you because I was supposed to handcuff myself to you ... to gain your trust somehow ... but ... I'm a doctor."
She shook her head to herself, "I should have known. I wasn't thinking." Juliet started to sob, hiding her face behind her own hands, "I'm so sorry Kate."
Their eyes met again and then it all seemed to finally register with Kate what Juliet was trying to tell her.
"I'm so so sorry."
"The gas? The gas your people used caused the miscarriage?" Kate asked unwilling to believe what she just heard.
"I was ... I really had a baby." Her voice so soft and low ... near the breaking point now as it all really began to sink in with Kate.
Juliet just nodded, as she watched Kates body slump back against the airplane seat behind her, her eyes getting glossy, her chin slightly quivered when Juliet witnessed a single tear running down her cheek.
Minutes passed where Kate just sat there, clearly lost in her own thoughts and Juliet's just too afraid to say anything or to even get up and leave her alone. So she stayed and waits. She wants to offer ... something. She's not entirely sure what ... Maybe a shoulder to cry on?
Finally Juliet starts to think clearly again, as the professional that she is. "I should examine you. If we leave now, we can be at the medical station by mid day and ..."
"No." Kate sat up straight and wiped at her face. "I'm fine."
"Are you still bleeding? Are you still cramping? How do you feel?"
Kate closed her eyes tightly, another tear rolled down her cheek and she sighed, "I'm fine."
Leaning forward towards her, "If you don't want me to examine you, then ... " she sighed loudly, "... then I'll understand. But at least tell me how you're feeling, how you're doing."
Kates eyes met her again and she swallowed, "I ... Look, I don't want to talk about it. It's over and done. Get out of my tent. Now."
The look she shot Juliet said enough. Juliet left her tent that early morning and they never spoke of it again.
(Continuation of the previous chapter)
Pack your shit Blondie, Freckles' back ... had he really just said that out loud.
Yeah, he had. That was obvious from the disbelieving expression on Kate's face.
He turned his back towards Kate as shame fell over his own face. His heart ached and he knew that feeling all too well. Guilt. Guilt for what he'd done to Juliet.
But then he regained his composure and continued, still sounding mad as hell, "And besides, I didn't know what the hell was going on with Jack and you. After all, he'd been your back up choice every time we had a fall out, so I figured he'd made a move once I was out of the picture." He sighed and was breathing heavily as if he'd just been running with water still trickling down the stings of his hair, "Once I was out of the chopper."He added spitefully.
Kate glared at him with a venomous look for that last remark.
How dare he? He jumped. He took himself out of the picture. He did that!
But there it was again. That feeling of exhaustion taking over her body. Physically drained ... emotionally too.
She couldn't do this anymore.
It was all just too painful ... her heart was scattered all over ... little bits and pieces here and there. Some in Iowa, some in Florida, some in LA but most of them right here, right now on this god damn island! And all those because of him!
But somehow she gathered the strength to scream back at him, "You wanna know about Jack and me?"
He just stares at her with a rather blank expression on his face ... because no, he doesn't. He doesn't' want to know about Jack and her. No, not really!
But she continues, "Do you James? You wanna know?"
Little specks of water or spit are flying out of her mouth as she's yelling at him, because the rain is still pouring down on them both rather mercilessly, "In July ..." she begins, then gathers her thoughts again, "... seven month after we left the island, we had a funeral service for his father. For Jacks father."
Sawyer just stood frozen in place, listening and clinging to every word, even though he knows he's probably not going to like what she's going to tell him. But then again, the truth can't be any worse then what he'd pictured in his mind, lying there in bed every night since fucking 1974. Him with her ... Jack with his hands all over his girl ... his Freckles! And all because he jumped and gave the good old Doc a wide open chance to step in his shoes!
Kate carried on, "I already told you that's when we found out about Carole, and from then on he didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore, James. From that day on we went our separate ways. And so did most of us. Sun had gone back to Korea immediately after we got back. Shortly after that funeral Sayid's wife died. Hurley stayed pretty much to himself. Desmond, Frank ... they were just gone ... I mean, truth be told, I barely even knew them anyway. All I had was Aaron ... and Cassidy too."
She paused for a brief second to push the wet curls out of her face, and he watched on mesmerized as the stone and setting from her wedding ring got caught in her hair. "Son of a bitch." She cursed, and he couldn't help but smile as he stepped towards her to help her out.
"Don't touch me." She hissed back at him, taking a step back, away from him, and yanking the ring from her hair at the same time.
She avoided his gaze on her as she rambled on, "I didn't hear from him for almost two years. Two years. Then in June 2007, out of nowhere, he just shows up at my trial as a ..." She shakes her head in disbelieve, "... as a character witness. Telling his big fat lies again about the day of the crash and ... everything. Lying about me, about what kind of a person I am. So ..." her voice wavers and she's wiping her hands over her wet face, but before she can continue, Sawyer interrupts her.
"So you kicked him out of your trial."
Her eyes dart up to meet his in confusion, "How ... how do you..."
But his answer comes out quicker then she can even fully ask the question, "Tru tv."
She raised her eyebrows, "What?"
"Tru tv ... well, Tru tv dot com. Every night when I got back to Miles' apartment, I'd go online and watch a few hours of your trial."
She took a step towards him, "What? Why?"
"Why not?" he asked defensively. "I mean, hell ... murder, fraud, arson, assault, grand theft auto ... I was a little curious how on earth you got away with only ten years probation ... got a hell of a deal Freckles. So ... anywhoo, saw you kick the Doc out of the courtroom. " With a rather casual wave of his hand he said, "So go on."
But she was speechless. She had no idea that he'd known about that ... it made her wonder what else he'd seen online. Did he know all the ugly things all those tabloids and websites had written about her during that time? What else did he know and never told her?
She shook her head to literally shake those thoughts out of her mind for the moment, so she could continue, "Anyway, after I made the deal with the D.A. he ... he showed up. Showed up at my doorstep a few days later with two starbucks coffees in hand and ..."
Sawyer held his hands up in defense, "Look, just spare me the details Freckles, I get it alright. Jackass wasted two and a half years to make a fucking move. I get it. Always told ya' the man's a fucking ..."
Now it was Kate's turn to interrupt him instead, "No James, I don't' think you do. You don't get it at all. You wanted to know about Jack and me and now you're going to."
She met his eyes challengingly, and he just nodded slightly in agreement, gesturing her to go on, "So we got together, all right. He showed up and we hung out and yeah, one night one thing lead to another, but ... but I'm not an idiot James. It took me a long time to figure it all out, but I'm not stupid, you know."
Her eyes met his again, "At first I thought he didn't want to see the baby because he found out about Carole. I thought he felt guilty about leaving Claire behind, his own sister and that he thought Aaron belonged with his grandmother, with Carole. I-I thought that he thought we made a mistake saying that Aaron was mine. But ... but I had a lot of time to just sit and think since then."
She sighed loudly again, "And I started to wonder about the timing of it all. How strange it was that he got passed all those feelings he was supposedly struggling with the moment I was free and clear of those charges? The moment it was a sure thing that I wasn't going to prison, he started coming around."
Sawyer hadn't expected that ... he had no idea. His head was spinning.
But Kate didn't really skip a beat, she just went on. "Seven month we were just friends. He went back to work even though financially he really didn't have to and ... and occasionally we saw each other, but we were nothing more than friends. Just fellow survivors of a plane crash. Then he practically vanishes from my life, his own nephews' life ... but the entire time he's just living 20 minutes away in his fancy apartment downtown L.A.!
For almost two years I don't hear from him at all. It's as if we never even met. But the day I get released from prison and I am free to go home, he shows up to tell me he didn't mean it. That he didn't mean it when he said under oath that he didn't love me anymore. Then a couple of days later he shows up at my door with the coffee."
She wiped the water out of her face again ... pointless really considering it was still pouring like a damn waterfall, "So ..." Her voice is breaking, and she has to pause for a moment to regain her composure, "So, I was lonely, you know. I love Aaron. I love him so so much, but I was lonely sometimes." She looked up and in Sawyers eyes, "I didn't wanna be alone anymore."
He knew all too well what she meant by that.
She stopped, her eyes downcast, her face grimaced and she started to cry again. Sawyer just stood there, unsure of what to say or do.
Suddenly he felt anger rise in him all over again. He was mad at ... at Jack ... no wait, at her too, "So what, you just let him come back into your life like nothing had happened?"
Hypocrite! Big fat fucking Hypocrite! He pushed that thought into the back of his mind quickly!
His voice had this mean accusatory undertone to it as he went on, "He wanted nothing to do with you while your arraignment was pending, while your trial was going on, but bam ... you're free to go and there he is. And you just let him? You should have thrown that fucking coffee in his damn face if you ask me."
"I know." She answered rather quietly to his surprise. "I didn't ... I didn't think that way until after we broke up. After we broke up I had time to think about it all. Wondering what had happened. What went wrong, and ... and his drinking and the pills he got hooked on. He got fired from his job too."
She shook her head to herself, "You wouldn't have recognized him if you'd seen him James. He was a complete mess. He'd call me all hours of the day and night, talking nonsense. Wanting to meet me. Telling me he's flying back and forth over the Pacific, praying that the plane he was on would crash on the island again. I mean, can you believe that. He was nuts. But ..." She sighed again, "But before all that. On that day, when he showed up at my door, I was actually really happy to see him. And I was happy that he showed an interest in Aaron too."
She looked back up at him and a shy smile formed on her face, "I was really happy for a little while. But it didn't last."
She frowned again, both her hands on her hips, "You see, he didn't know about Clementine. And ... well, he always worked late, and I'd go to see Clem at least once a week, and he didn't know. So one night, I came home pretty late and assumed that he'd still be at work. But when I walked in, he was sitting there in the living room."
She sighed, "And he was drunk, very drunk." Kate looked up, "And he was soo mad, he wanted to know where I'd been and I begged him to just let it be. I begged him to just trust me and that it had nothing to do with us. But he just wouldn't let it go. He was yelling at me, and I finally admitted that I was doing something for you. Then he wanted to know what and when I refused to tell him he ... he started to talk about you. How you weren't here with me and how you didn't save me and that he was the one who saved me ..."
Tears fell again. "He was completely out of it. Screaming so loud that it woke Aaron up." She chuckled through the tears, "And you know that kid can sleep through just about anything."
Sighing deeply she continued, "That was the night we broke up. I told him he had to deal with his ... his problem on his own. I told him that I won't have him around my son like that." She wiped at her face again, "That was just one week after he'd asked me to marry him. He'd asked me to marry him on September 7th and it all ended on the 13th."
Sawyer shook his head to himself, running a hand down his face from his forehead down to his chin. Then pushing his hair out of his face again. Water running down his arm.
He wasn't even sure what to say to that. He couldn't believe that Jack was this messed up. Suddenly it all seemed to make sense, he thought. That conversation he'd had with Jack in the jungle back in the seventies. How Jack said, that it was too late for him to get Kate back. Holy shit, he would've never thought things had been that bad between them.
And the strangest thing about it all was how it made him feel. He would've thought he'd feel relieved to hear that Jack couldn't make it work with Kate, but it didn't feel like that at all. Strangely he felt sorry for Kate, 'cause he realized that she'd been lonelier in the real world than he'd been being stuck on the damn island.
And the whole Clementine thing. It never had even crossed his mind that that was somehow the event that had brought an end to them. And he really couldn't understand why, "Why ... why didn't you just tell him? I mean, I never asked you to keep it a secret. You could've just told him about Clem."
Kate wiped her face with the back of her hand, "First off, it was none of his business ... She was the one thing I had left of you, and I didn't want him having any part of it. Secondly, I thought if you'd wanted people to know you wouldn't have whispered it into my ear."Their eyes met and he kind of nodded his head in agreement.
"And also I think that if he'd known that I was seeing her once a week, he would've made me stop. He would've told me to not go see her anymore."
"What?" Sawyer blurted out. "You don't know that Freckles. You don't know what he would have done."
"Yeah, I do James. I know he would have been mad, and he would have told me to stop."
"You can't know that for sure? You don't know what he'd have said. He had no reason to be mad about it. And besides, when has any man ever been able to keep you from doing somethin' you've had your mind set to?"
She stepped towards him, closing the gap between herself and Sawyer just a little, looking into his eyes, "She was still living in New Mexico then, James. So I'm sure he'd have wanted me to stop visiting with her."
Oh shit.
Sawyer had to blink a few times, trying to comprehend what he'd just heard her say.
Now he was mad again. If he wasn't soaked through and through he'd have spit fire, "Are you fucking kidding me Kate? Are you saying that you went to New Mexico once a week just to see my kid?"
Kate just nodded, seeing the sudden anger rise in him.
"Well hell, I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but I think the Doc would've been right telling you not to go. I mean you're telling me that you risked being thrown back in prison just to see Clementine? What the hell were you thinking? Where the hell was your head?"
She just shook her head, her eyes downcast, "I made you a promise."
"Well shit, you sorto made a promise to the munchkin too, didn't ya'? Who would've taken care of him when they shipped your ass back to prison after being pulled over for something stupid while driving down the interstate in fucking New Mexico?"
"I was always going the speed limit. I always made sure I didn't have a busted breaklight or something like that. I always stayed under the radar." She tried to defend her actions.
Sawyer mocked her answering sarcastically, "Yeah, well in that case, nothing could've happened, right?" He turned around, he was so angry; he couldn't stand to look at her.
"Clementine had a right to know that you cared about her. I was trying to keep my promise to you."
He turned back around to look at her, "Freckles ..." He sighed loudly, "I never asked you to throw your life away for me. So yeah, Jack would've probably told ya' to stop going, but had I been in his shoes I would've told ya' the same damn thing."
She looked away ... after everything she hadn't anticipated for Sawyer to side with Jack on this. He's supposed to be the one that understands her. He's supposed to know that sometimes you've gotta do what you gotta do, even if it's not rational or if it doesn't make sense. How could he side with Jack?
She was fighting to hold back tears again. "You know what, ... just forget it. I'm done. We're done."
And with that she tried to charge right past him, this time back towards the beach, but he stepped in her way. Reaching out to grab her again, she backed away, "Don't ... don't touch me. Let me go. We're done here." She started crying again when he successfully stopped her.
"The hell we are. We ain't done by a long shot girl." He grabbed her roughly and pulled her into his arms. Holding her in a tight embrace, resting his chin on her head. That's when he realized how cold she felt.
And then without a warning, he just let go of her ... but really just long enough to scoop her up into his arms a mere second later."I think it's time to get the hell out of this fucking monsoon, babe."
She was too cold and exhausted to fight him at this point. Instead she wrapped her arms around his neck and hid her face in the crook of his neck. Embracing his welcoming body heat to warm her up a little ... while he started to make his way back towards the beach.
Gently setting her down onto the sandy but dry ground of his tent. She let go of his neck and just sat there in front of him. Her chin quivering again, but not because she was crying. No, she was shivering.
"Your lips are blue", he blurted out with a concerned look in his eyes. And she finally looked up through those strings of wet curls that were clinging to her face, partially obstructing her view.
He pushed her hair back gently while giving her an order, "Put your arms up."
"What?" she snaps out of her trance-like-state after his odd request.
But he doesn't answer, not wasting any more time he just grabs the bottom hem of her tank top and yanks it up over her head. She doesn't know why, but she doesn't fight him on this either ... just moves her arms along with the movement.
She's so cold. Goosebumps covering every inch of her body. Her nipples noticeably erect peeking through the thin wet fabric of her white cotton bra. And Kate herself notices how the round flesh of her breasts slightly spill out of the fabric at the top. Giving the illusion of more cleavage. Cleavage that she knows she doesn't really have.
Has to be the bra. Not really mine ... It's just too small.
Their eyes meet again and she wonders for a moment if he's thinking the same thing she is.
The sudden urge for him rising within her. Her skin tingling ... almost unbearably so. She feels the warmth growing between her thighs for him. Wanting him. Needing him. There. Now.
Thinking about their fight from moments ago. It all seems stupid now when the longing for him seems to take over her thinking.
Let's make up. Let's make love. Kiss me James!
But Sawyer's mind seems to be elsewhere, she quickly realizes when he throws her wet tank top onto the airplane seat and then leaves her just sitting there all alone ... leaves the tent altogether.
She feels her cheeks flushing with embarrassment, struck by his odd reaction to the half naked sight of her.
When did she turn into him? When did the tables turn? When did they trade places and she ended up being the one that wants to have sex with him all the time?
Moments ago she was too tired to even walk and now she finds herself hot and bothered ... and all because he took her shirt off.
She feels a wave of disappointment wash over her due to his lack of interest. So her gaze just follows him as he runs across the beach and through the rain back to Jin and Suns tent again. Reappearing moments later with something bundled up in his arms running back towards her.
He grouches down in the sand in front of her again. His hands reaching behind her, his fingers incredibly fast undoing her bra and gently pulling it off of her.
The nanosecond of excitement vanishes and is once again replaced by disappointment when she quickly realizes what he's actually doing. So she just sits there and lets it all happen. Their eyes meeting over and over again throughout the process.
He gently pushes one of Suns old shirts over her head, then pulling the wet curls out of the collar with one swift motion. She feels water from her hair running down her spine the exact same moment.
Now he's helping her along to get her arms through the sleeves of the skin-tight shirt. Despite her disappointment she has to smile at this a little, because it reminds her of how she used to help Aaron get dressed in the mornings. Feeling a sudden pang in her heart. She misses him so much.
Then his hands are pulling and tugging the fabric down her sides. Trying to smooth the fabric out against her damp skin. Casually and maybe - maybe not - accidentally gracing the outer curves of her breast with his hands while doing so. Sending little shocks of excitement through Kate once again.
She bows her head, diverting her face and eyes from him, when little droplets of rain drip down from her hair, staining the fabric a darker shade wherever they land.
That's when she suddenly realizes something, and with mocking protest she says, "It's pink."
He stops for a second, just looking at her ... almost as if he was admiring his handy work. Kate has to smile again, feeling her cheeks flush anew when she realizes where his eyes seem to freeze for a moment.
The little yet not so subtle 'dents' in the fabric ... her nipples still erect.
Just kiss me already you idiot!
Then he smiles mischievously back at her, lying through his teeth, "It's purple, not pink."
One more thing we have in common now!
Looking down at herself, pulling the fabric away as if thoroughly inspecting it, "You must be colorblind too, because this shirt is definitely pink. Look at it."
"I did and it looks purple to me." Then he just looks away, trying to not let her see him laugh.
Proceeds to straighten her legs out right from under her, like she was a doll or something of the sorts. Goes on to untie her boots, pulls them off - one by one - and the socks too. Setting the boots down next to her and throwing the wet socks over to the airplane seat, with the rest of her wet stuff.
And Sawyer just carries on. Standing up, towering over her he holds his hands out and without any exchange of words she takes them without protest. Letting him pull her up to a stand.
She sways back and forth a little, lightheaded again and quickly grabs a hold of his biceps with one hand, and his wet shirt pocket with the other hand, while he quickly snakes an arm around her waist.
"R'you alright?" he breaks the silence concerned.
"Yeah", she nods, meeting his eyes again, "Got up too quick ... I'm okay."
He unbuttons her jeans for her. Unzips the zipper and grabs a hold of the wet fabric left and right of her hips and starts yanking it down rather roughly. Grouching down again in front of her, she helps him along by lifting one foot after the other, so that he can pull the wet jeans past her ankles and off of her.
His hands reach up again, for the thin string-like waistband of her panties to take them off too, when she stops him by grabbing his hand.
"What?" he asked looking up at her rather innocently, kneeling in the sand.
Kate's eyes meet his and she nods towards the wide opening of their tent. If this will lead where she's hoping it will, she wants more privacy.
He follows her gaze, "Baby, we're all alone. Ain't nobody gonna see you." He blurts out, a little surprised by her sudden modesty.
But before she can even say anything else in protest, something seemed to have changed his mind. He gets up to his feet quickly. Untying the rolled up tarp to let it fall down, serving as a door that's shielding them from the rest of the beach.
The blue of the tarp that's surrounding them from all sides now is tingeing everything with a blue hue now. Him and her included.
He looks back at her, "Better?"
She nods her head at him smiling gratefully, "Thanks."
He answers her with nothing but a warm smile, as he's kneeling back down into the sand and proceeds to pull her panties off for her.
There she is right in front of him, half naked again. The lower half of her now.
And there it is again. That tingling feeling. That sudden increase in her heartbeat. The heat pooling again in her loins.
She's always hated being the one to make the first move ... wants him to do it. And when he stops for a brief moment, seemingly admiring her, she wonders if it's going to happen. If something will happen. Wants and wishes that it does.
But Sawyer's gaze on her had a different reason. His gaze glued to her abdomen. She's so thin, almost too thin but yet there it is. A slight yet unmistakable bump that he would swear under oath wasn't there just a week ago.
Son of a bitch! Is she really pregnant?
Distinctively remembering their steamy morning on Hydra Island. Her body sprawled out in front of him, all glossy from their lovemaking. And her stomach, it was flat ... he remembers it being flat, no doubt about it. There was nothing there that would've suggested something ... something like this to appear a week later.
How is that even possible? It's only been a few days since then.
Trying not to think about it he reached for Suns old pants. Helping her step into the dry pair of jeans. Her hands on his shoulders to steady herself as she's lifting one leg at a time, stepping into the pants.
Then standing up again, holding the waistband of the jeans. Wiggling the fabric back and forth to get it up and over her wet naked hips ... a bit more challenging then he would've thought, considering she's helping now too. And somewhere in the process of it she lets out a chuckle ... he meets her eyes and chuckles too.
All dressed in dry clothes she looks at him, "Thank you James."
He just nods in return, and she suddenly realizes that he's still soaking wet. No wonder he's not in the mood, she thinks.
Asking him concerned, "What about you?"
"What about me?" he fires back.
"You're not gonna change?"
"Don't think I'll fit into Jin's old clothes, Sweetheart. Reckon his pants are about 3 feet to short for me." Then he adds as he plops back down onto the sand, "Besides, I ain't that cold."
Instantaneously she drops down on her knees in front of him. Reaches out without any hesitation and runs her hands down his cheeks, down his neck, resting them on his chest, "Liar!"
And before he can stop her, she's up and has pushed the tarp aside, running back out into the rain. Barefoot.
He runs out after her, "Damn it Freckles, that kinda defeats me getting you in dry clothes, don't you think?"
But she's already heading for someone else's tent some ways behind Claire and Charlie's old tent, yelling back at him, "Shut up James."
He just follows her into the tent, looking around and that's when he suddenly realizes who's tent they are in. How could he have forgotten?
Kate's already on her knees, digging through a suitcase lying on the ground when Sawyer towers over her, shaking his head, "Uh -uh. No way in hell I'm wearing the Doc's hand-me-downs Freckles. So you might as well forget it."
She glares up at him. Her voice commanding, "Yes you will James."
His voice sounding equally strong as he drawls the words out slow and clear, "No - I - won't!" His lip slightly pushed out into a pout, strangely resembling her when she pouts.
She looks back at him annoyed now. Reaches up, grabs him by the hand and forcefully pulls him down to the ground right beside her, "Quit being such a damn baby and pick something to wear already."
He sighs defeated, as he starts to look through the other suitcase, "You do realize this is fucked up, right? I mean, me wearing his old clothes. Nothing 'bout that strikes you as ... "
She cuts him off, "It's just clothes James. We all were going through suitcase after suitcase after the crash." She looks over at him, "We all were wearing someone else's clothes, using someone else's stuff. They're just things. Nothing more."
Their eyes met for a moment, and she gives him a shy smile.
"Fine." He mumbles under his breath, and is now actually making a real attempt at finding something to wear. But at the same time thinking to himself that if the shoe was on the other foot ... if he'd tried to get her to wear Juliets old clothes, she probably would've hit him where it hurts.
Good thing I'm not like her.
After thoroughly inspecting piece after piece for stains, smells, wear and signs of disease she finally gets him to agree on a pair of jeans and a black button-down shirt that neither of them can recall ever seeing on Jack.
Back in their tent, Sawyer starts to unbutton his shirt.
She pushes his hands away. "Let me", she says while undoing a button.
"I got it." He moves onto the next one.
She looks up at him, challenging, pushing his hands away again, "I said let me."
He chuckles, throws his hands up in defeat, "Fine, knock yourself out." Rolling his eyes in mocking annoyance, but he secretly enjoys this.
He swallows hard, watching her carefully unbutton his shirt. Then he lets his arms just fall back to help her along as she pushed the wet shirt off of his shoulders and the sleeves off of his arms and past his hands.
She then proceeds to unbuckle his belt rather slowly, looking up at him a few times.
And Sawyer begins to wonder out loud, "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you're trying to seduce me."
And fuck ... it's definitely working!
She smiles up at him. Big green eyes somehow tinted blue and her lashes flutter seductively as her fingers start fiddling with the buttons on his jeans. Unbuttoning them slowly ... button after button, there is no zipper.
She tugs at the wet fabric around his hips and unlike her pants his just fall down to the ground, pooling around his feet. With his boots already off, he steps out of the wet clothing, leaving it lying in a heap on the ground.
Her turn to look at him. Head to toe, and up again. His damp skin glistening ... kind of bluish.
The man is like a living breathing statue of Adonis. Come to think of it, he's ten times hotter than Adonis.
Taking in the sight of him, she wonders if he can read her mind. Her eyes fixated now on his dark blue boxers that are thoroughly wet and clinging to his sun-kissed skin. Clearly outlining his growing arousal.
Got ya'! Any moment now will he lose control and kiss me!
Self-assured she lets her fingers slowly and seductively slip under the waistband of his dark blue boxers.
But to her surprise he grabs her hands before she goes any further, "I'm keepin' them on, hon'."
"Oh." She looks back up at him clearly disappointed, "But they're all wet."
"I know. But I ain't going commando in Jacko's old Jeans Freckles."
"Oh", she sighs again, "Okay." And under the pretext of smoothing down the wet fabric around him her hand accidently brushes it.
It! Completely accidently of course!
He bites back the moan that wants to escape his lips, taking in a sharp breath instead.
Screw it. I should just go for it.
But then he remembers again why he's holding back. The bump. The fucking baby bump.
So instead he reached for the dry pair of Jeans and has already stepped into them before Kate can even register what happened. Quickly buttoning it and zipping up his fly, before he can change his own mind. Slipping his arms into the shirt, starting to button it up, and then he rolls the sleeves up on the shirt ... just the way he always does. Marking it as his. Making it his.
She's left standing there, feeling like a complete fool. Suddenly realizing that this is the first time ever that he has turned her down.
Then she wonders if she wasn't obvious enough for him. She's never been the one to just say it. She'd just kiss him, jump him, touch him ... say things like 'Let's go back to bed' or 'Let's go back upstairs'! But she would never just say, 'Hey, wanna have sex?' But she'd never had any problems getting her point across without actually saying the words before.
And especially with him. Sawyer. James. He knows her well enough to know that she's game ... doesn't he?
And it wouldn't all be so bad, if she didn't feel the moisture and heat between her thighs, taunting her now after this ... this ... what the hell is this?
Rejection!
Her cheeks flushed in a crimson red, wondering what the hell just happened. Her eyes fixed on him.
"What?" He asked, his eyebrows raised and giving her his most innocent look before he proceeds moving the wet clothes off of the floor. Trying to busy himself with pulling his belt out of the loops from his wet pants.
"Nothing." Kate retorts back, folding her arms in front of herself, clearly disappointed and worst of all unsatisfied!
Playing stupid, like he doesn't know what she's scowling about ... he knows all too well why she's pissed. But hell, after seeing that bump he'd decided he can't go there anymore. She's off limits now.
And as hard as it may be - figuratively and literally - she just deserves better than that. She deserves better then a quick roll in the hay ... well, sand in this case.
And he can't give her that anymore. In a couple of days she'll get on that sub and they'll part ways for good. He can't keep screwing with her head like that. He just won't do it anymore.
Closing the belt buckle he looks over at her standing there still pouting like a child who didn't get her candy, "Hey."
Kate looks up and over at him.
He smoothes down the front of his 'new' shirt in an exaggerating fashion, "Doesn't look too bad on me, does it?"
Her arms fall to her side - surrendering - stepping towards him. Tugging at the bottom hem of his shirt, "It looks really good on you."
He goes on to grab his crotch like only men do, unabashed tugging and pulling on himself, "Pants are a little tight though, but I guess I should've expected that." He smirks.
Not even really listening or comprehending what he'd just hinted at in his not so subtle kind of way, she adds with her mind still on the shirt, "I figured you and him are about the same size."
He frowns at that, wondering what she was implying, and with thick sarcasm clinging to every word he scowls, "Well, you would know, wouldn't you?"
Fuck! He didn't really mean to say that.
But it's too late; she heard him this time and shoots him a look that could kill. Then sees his hand still holding himself, like it's some kind of prized possession of his, coming to realize what he'd been hinting at before. "I was talking about the shirt you moron."
She turns away from him frowning, suddenly busying herself with laying out her wet clothes ... so they might actually dry. Her fingers trembling ... with anger.
Shit, ... Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
"Hey." He says again, trying to get her to look at him.
She just answers him annoyed, "What?" Not turning her head because tears are pricking again at the corner of her eyes.
God, why am I such an emotional mess ... crying like a freaking baby about every little thing!
Ahh hell ... to hell with it. I fucked up ... time to cowboy up and say it already, "I'm sorry." It sounds almost like a cough leaving his throat.
Her head snaps around, "What?" like she couldn't believe her own ears.
He frowns, hands waving in the air in surrender, "I'm sorry, alright? I shouldn't ... I thought you were comparing ... you know ...something else."
"Okay." Her voice soft and quiet before she turns her attention back to her clothes quickly. Devoting her full attention to the task at hand, smoothing out her jeans over the air plane seat. Her hand running over the fabric to flatten it ... again and again and again, as if her hand had magically transformed into an iron.
Okay? I just fucking apologized, and all I get is a fucking 'okay'?
He takes one big step towards her, pulling her arm to make her look at him and he is just about to say something sarcastically and mean when a tear spills over and finds its way down her left cheek. So instead of the insult, his voice goes up a notch and his forehead wrinkles in concern, "Are you ... crying?"
Jerking her arm free again and then wiping her face, "Yeah. So what? I'll cry if I want to." She states somewhat boldly and finds herself thinking immediately how stupid that just sounded. The lyrics of a song involuntary popping into her head.
Fuck. How the hell does she do it? One fucking tear and a sniffle from her and she's got me by the damn balls.
His facial features softening in an instant, when he finds himself apologizing some more, "Look, I misunderstood."
She looks back up, "I know."
A little relieved he goes on, "Well then ... can't we just make up? You're taken off to the real world soon and I ... I really don't wanna waste any more time fighting with you over stupid shit that doesn't matter anymore."
She stops fiddling with her clothes, stands up straight and looks up at him as he's towering over her.
One long look is exchanged between them. How they communicate without actually speaking.
And that's apparently all it takes. He pulls her close, wrapping one arm around her waist and with the other hand pulling her face to his chest, letting out a satisfied grunt. She does the same, wrapping both her arms tightly around his midsection, embracing him with all she's got.
So they stand there for a good long minute hugging until Sawyer breaks the silence, almost whispering, "They fit."
She breaks away, looking up, meeting his eyes, "What?" She really couldn't hear him with one ear pressed into his chest and the other ear covered by her curls and his hand.
He smiles a shy smile, "The pants, they fit fine. You know ... I was just trying to crack a joke at the Docs expense. Figured I'd get an eye-roll and a shove for it ... didn't mean for you to start bawlin'."
So she rolls her eyes and shoves him back a bit as they both chuckle at themselves, the awkward tension from moments ago completely vanished. "I wasn't bawlin'!"
A low chuckle escapes his lips, but then he suddenly freezes, raises his eyebrows again and says, "You hear that Freckles?"
Kate's quiet for a second trying to listen, "What? I don't hear anything." Her eyes searching his for answers.
"Exactly." He steps towards the tarp-door, pushing it aside, revealing sunshine, "Sun's back out."
It had finally stopped raining.
End Notes:
There are less then a handfull of chapters left on this story, so it's slowly but surely coming to an end. Please leave a review if you can, I'm always curious to hear what you all are thinking about it. Liked it, loved it, hated it? Thanks for reading!