Hey just wanted to shout out to those who alerted the story or added it to their favorites. This includes…

Charmdiva

kooolgal08

charmdiva

And a giant THANKS to xoembryloveox for reviewing :) YAH!

I was starting to wonder if the story is bad and you guys weren't tellin me. Until yeah sent the message :)

If you guys think it's bad or something needs to be changed/improved, please don't hesitate to tell.

Also, there's a…touchy subject, sorta I don't know if you'd consider it touchy, in this chapter, just thought I'd let you know.

Okay so now on with chapter 4…

Previously

I studied her for a bit, seeing the determination etched into her, along with concern and something else, but it seemed okay, it seemed safe? I guess. Still I couldn't tell her anything else, I left that behind, and it's going to stay back there.

"Hey, is it cool if I head to bed?" I quietly asked.

"Oh, yeah that's fine." She got up and reached towards me, almost to hug, but seem to think otherwise and just smiled, before opening the door.

"Oh…and uhh…Emily? You think…this could stay between us?" I mumbled, staring at the ground yet again.

"Sure." I heard the door click, and just slid to the floor, so drained and exhausted and everything.

I'd told…and she'd been fine…at least I think she was. She hadn't yelled or something or gone beserko. But she could still call him…does she even know his number? We've moved so many times…No. there's no way, he never talked 'bout anything to do with the Rez, he hated it. Got the scars to prove it too. So he'd never call here or anything. So…there's no way that she'd have his number…so I'm good, right?

Shakily I got to my legs, and crawled on to the bed, pulling my sleeves down farther. The crusted blood got under my nails, but right now I could care less.

Dude I'd freakin told someone, and I was still alive, I wasn't being sent back. I was out, dude I was freakin out! And I ain't eeeever goin back.

Laying there, with rain pounding on the roof overhead, I guess I, somehow, eventually drifted off.

"Took you long enough," he growled, snatching the beer from my grip, before his other hand connected with my check. My brain registered the hit, and fall, but nothing else. The numbness kept everything at bay, disconnecting me from everything. Almost robotically I got up, staring at the floor, before going trudging back upstairs. Going into the bathroom, I avoided the mirror, knowing what I'd see. I knew the look I had, every time I caught a glance of myself in something reflective, it was a dead look, like I was gone, just a body without a life. At least at home and whenever I was alone I did, at school, the little mask came up, making me look at least a little bit alive. Only just enough to keep suspicions away, other than that…

Other than that you can't do anything right. You're just a worthless piece of shit. You can't do anything, you'll never be capable of anything. Your just a stupid mistake, don't even deserve to live. A waste of space.

Reaching under the sink, while pulling one of the drawers out, I felt around the back of the drawer my fingers searching eagerly for the hidden treasure. Feeling the smooth, cold edge, I ripped it off the back, hearing the scotch tape complain. Usually, people would think that people like me would be shaking, but my hands were steady as they closed around the comforting piece of metal. Sitting on the edge of the tub, breathing deep, I pulled my sleeve up. The usual urge was gnawing at me; I could picture it jumping eagerly for its reward. Taking a deep breath, I tried to ignore the urge, I didn't want to do it, but it was the only thing…

Just wanting to feel something, anything, I took a deep breath and-

Banging and loud voices, is not the best way to wake up a girl who is used to that meaning a bloody nose and probably worse. I jerked awake, startled, and tensed; expecting a string of cuss words to hit me followed a punch or something. When the little ding in my head that went usually went off when I get hit didn't happen, I scanned the room, trying to figure out where I was.

Oh yeah…I was at my cousin Emily's in La Push.

Wait that wasn't a dream?

But that one I just woke up from sure as heck was, my heart was pounding, and the urge was crawling under my skin, lurking, even hungrier because of the dream…or memory you could say. Shaking my head a bit, I tried to dislodge the dream and feelings it came with. Not working. It wasn't happy about not getting what it wanted yesterday, and the dream hadn't helped; it was so close before I'd been woken up. So now it was really worked up, because I'd stuck to my promise. And I was still stuck on it, stuck like glue. Hehe, that's a good song.

Ignoring it, the best I could, I went to stand near the window, noting the grey clouds overhead. Had I slept till tomorrow…or today I guess? Guess I was more tired than I thought. Rain was still pouring but I cracked the window a bit, letting the fresh air sooth me. I'd always loved the smell of rain, it was fresh, washed away everything, leaving behind a clean slate; maybe this was mine?

Yeah right, and maybe I'll pass Algebra one day.

Taking one step at a time, figurally of course, I pulled a baggy, frayed black hoodie with light grey skulls and cross bones on it, out of my bag and threw it on.

Today's gonna be a good day, I'm fine. I got away. He can't find me. I told myself. I don't need it today. If I can last yesterday without having to, then I can make it through today. Just one step at a time.

Pulling my makeup out and putting my ear to the door, I listened for a bit. Silence. Cracking the door, I cautiously peeked out looking for anyone. Scurrying to the bathroom, locking the door behind me, I grimaced at myself in the mirror. The makeup was gone, obviously, so the bruises were visible, but they looked better..ish.

No, only good thoughts today.

Splashing some cold water on my face to wake up some more, I applied the makeup covering up the old remembrance of the past. Taking a deep breath, shaking slightly, I wondered if this was just a dream that I was going to be jerked from soon. Could this actually be happening? I'd gotten here, I'd told, and I hadn't slipped up. I'd stayed in control, kept my promise; I'd made it through one day without having to cut.

Yeah...*sigh* As much as I despise admitting it. I'm a "self-harmer" though I'm not sure if harmer is a word. You get the point, *sigh* Why do you think I like the numbness? It keeps the urge back, helps me cope without it, for a while anyway. Though sometime it doesn't stop me from cutting; the exploding feeling that threatens me all day everyday just becomes too much. You know that feeling where it's like a giant rock is crushing you while at the same time someone is blowing a balloon up inside your chest, and with their next breath, the balloon will pop, and you'll explode. If you don't, lucky you. If you do you know what it's like to just wanna it to die, to just wanna to die. Feels like even if you do one simple thing wrong, like spell your name incorrectly, you'll just shatter into a million little shards.

I just couldn't handle it anymore, the abuse, the loneliness the misunderstanding, everything. I hadn't even meant to start, the first time was just an accident, but the momentary relief, the momentary…control. I told myself that I couldn't, it'd just make everything worse, more complicated, but bit by bit I'd slowly come to create my own little maze of scars.

Not something I'm proud of. That's why I left it behind; I know quitting cold turkey is really hard, that it's an addiction, that I need professional help. But…I can try right? Before I left I'd hadn't cut in two weeks, that's what helped me work up the courage to run. So if I can go two weeks without it, leave and still not cut. Then I can get through today without having to. Just one step at a time, that's it. I hadn't let myself, letting everything flow on paper instead. That's what I would do if I wanted to cut, just write, write until my hand falls off if I have to. But I wouldn't cut. I just want to leave everything behind, and a fresh start is the best way to do it. So will see.

It's ironic in a twisted sort of way, physical pain doesn't register- I know I get hit, I just don't feel anything. But emotional pain, that I feel just fine not even the numbness can dull that all the way.

Double-checking myself I snuck back to my room, flinching as the voices got louder. Were they arguing because of me? Maybe coming here wasn't such a good idea. I didn't exactly call…but Emily said it was okay. I'll ask. Leaning against the edge of the window, where it joined with the wall, I unconsciously ran my fingers through my hair, staring out into the woods. I avoided going downstairs, fighting in the urge, trying to get it under control.

Go downstairs, then you won't have a chance.

Pushing off the wall, and after taking a deep breath I opened the door, and tried to quietly get down the stairs. My stomach growled as the smell of pancakes, and eggs, and a whole bunch of other awesome smelling food reached me. Peeking around the corner, I saw all the boys from yesterday sitting at the way too small table for them, shoving food down their throats like there was no tomorrow. Oh my god, how come I hadn't realized how big those dudes were? They were like freakin bulldozer…in guy form. God if one of them hit me, I'd probably be out for the count. I noticed that like yesterday they were all only wearing cut off shorts.

Another deep breath, and looking at the floor, I shuffled to the counter.

"Good morning Rowan," Emily greeted, passing me a plate. "Why don't you grab some food? You didn't eat yesterday so you must be hungry."

Smiling a bit to show my thanks, before grabbing a pancake. I watched everyone, waiting for them to snatch the plate away, laughing, before beating me. I didn't get to eat a lot back home; usually I'd sneak a bit after Dad passed out, but other than that, nada. Tossing some eggs on the plate, and after drizzling with them with ketchup, I gobbled them down not even tasting most of it.

The hairs on my neck stood up, and I shifted uncomfortably as I felt a pair of eyes on me. Glancing out from behind my screen of hair, I noticed Embry staring at me. He waved a bit, fork in hand and I ducked my head, shifting uncomfortably. Why was he staring at me? Was he waiting for a chance to jump me? Glancing down at the plate, I toyed with the pancake, poking it, feeling the hot food in my stomach flip flop.

Over the noise of the guys, a chair scrapped as it was pushed back. Embry walked over, reaching to grab some more food. I could feel the heat radiating off him, literally. Was he sick or somethin?

"You should try that. Emily makes the best pancakes," he whispered, gesturing to the plate. I nodded slightly, and kept fiddling with it, moving away from him.

What does he mean by that?

Nothing Rowan, he's just being nice.

Ha! Yeah right.

Backing against the counter, so that I could see everyone, I notice him still looking at me. Shifting uncomfortably, I glanced down at the plate. Had I grown a second head overnight or somethin?

"Rowan is there anything you wanna do today?" Emily asked, coming to stand near me, though she sent a glare at Embry which caused him to look away.

I shook my head, tearing a piece off the waffles cousin and slowly chewed it. He's right, it was good.

"Come on Paul, we gotta go," Another clone stood up, putting his dish in the sink before running out the door, calling a see yah over his shoulder. Paul ran out right after him, grumbling. Wonder where they're goin?

None of you Goddamn business that's where bitch.

Inwardly I flinched at the voice, wishing the numbness would come back.

"Ha, Paul's stuck with Quil," one laughed. Jacob, I think. They all look the same to me: tall, tan, toned.

"Great, like he isn't grouchy enough," another said, wait Jared. Yeah that's it…I think.

You think? Stupid, stupid, stupid.

No. No bad thoughts. I'm not stupid, I just have my moments. That's all.

Pretty soon, the fork came up empty, and after rinsing the plate off, I put them in the dishwasher. Most of the guys had gone, leaving me, Emily, Embry and Sam alone.

"Here, I got it," I whispered, taking the dish from Emily, before plunging it into the hot water.

"No, I got it," she insisted.

I shook my head, and blocked her from the sink.

She huffed, and grabbed a dishtowel. "Fine, I'll dry."

Feeling his eyes on my back as I worked, I hunched my shoulders, and tried to ignore him.

Does he know? Did Emily tell them about Dad? What if she did? What if-

No. Emily wouldn't do that. Right?

When we were done, I turned to outside, but was startled to see that the creepy dude wasn't there. But he was in the living room; with my head down, and shuffling quickly I scurried to the door.

"You okay?" he asked

Stopping, I turned towards him, and nodded. Waiting for a snide remark about fixing that, followed by the little bell in my head, I was a little surprised when it didn't. Glancing up, and just like yesterday, everything went away. The pain, the urge, everything. Startled, I looked away and it all came back…though it wasn't as strong, as cheesy as that sounds. It was there, but I could ignore it, like actually ignore it.

Okay, something is so wrong with this place…or maybe it's just me.

It's me, all ways has been, why should moving across the country change that? I could move to China and nothing would change. I'd always be worthless, nothing, a piece of shit. Just a ghost drifting through life, waiting for a car to come 'n' run over.

"Huh?" I flinched and came back to earth to see Embry, concern on his face, standing near me.

"You sure? You sorta…" he asked, reaching out towards me. I flinched as sadness ran across his face, but he put his hand down.

I nodded, swallowing. "Y-yeah. I'm fine."

He looked unconvinced, but didn't say anything else. Keeping an eye on him, I slipped out the door. Letting out a deep breath, my heart racing, I sat on the edge of the porch. Rain dripped on me occasionally running down my neck to my back, but it felt good. As soon as I'd left him, everything had settled back to normal, as normal as it gets anyway, but still the rain was soothing.

Now what?

I know it's not the best, I couldn't think of a better way to end it or put a cliffy in. Sorry :( I know the cutting thing doesn't the best take on it, I don't have any personal experience with it. If anyone thinks there's something wrong with it, just send me a message, and I'll try and fix it.

Please review. :)