Disclaimer: Bioware owns all, except what I most humbly create. While, at times, I will take verbatim from the game, I mostly use the events of the Dragon Age games, expansions and universe as a loose structure around which to construct my re-imagined tale. If you are looking for a strict canon piece, I have no desire to offend, and so I warn you upfront!
When reading this tale, I hope you can easily imagine it being told by the very best of storytellers in Varric (from DA:2). In my version of events, Varric meets "The Hero" (my Elissa Cousland) in Kirkwall during the time period of DA:2. I mention this only so that readers can understand his connection along the way, and so I don't have to mention and rehash it again and again as I make my way through the tale.
A/N: Lots of chatter here as there is much to be discussed amongst our tortured cast at the moment. I hope the lack of dramatic occurrences is made tolerable by the emotionally wrought nature of most of the dialogue. I did work hard to get what needed to be communicated across without making it too mind numbingly boring. This chapter was an absolute beast and a particularly large emotional drain to get right, so I hope that effort translates through in the final product.
This will likely be the last update I can manage before the conclusion of the holiday season, so I did make an effort not to leave you hanging... at least not TOO much! :P
Antivan Translation: Spicy Morsel
Muse Music: Savior by 30 Seconds to Mars
Thanks to my readers, followers and reviewers and to my Lady Beta artemiskat, who had to talk me down from the proverbial ledge a couple of times on this one.
Bonus thanks upon thanks to a special guest star beta, Snarkoleptic, who helped me pull my muse out of her depression to finish this off with the quality it deserved!
Happy Reading!
-Frayed One
Chapter Twenty-One: It's the Decisions That Damn Us
The next week was chaos. By the time Anders made it into The Peak, Elissa had been secreted away to the tower and locked inside. He attempted to gain access several times, but the guards Zevran had posted refused to let him pass; or anyone else for that matter. They insisted it was for his own good, but Anders knew it was also to protect the secret the woman had been carrying around inside her for Maker only knew how long. He took a seat on a nearby bench determined to get some answers from The Assassin whenever he decided to show himself again.
The screaming started drifting down from the tower soon after. Amplified by the cold air of the rampart walkway the caterwauling seemed to reverberate into his soul. Anders had never heard anything like it, and he'd been present in the Circle Tower during Uldred's rebellion. Though it may have been wrenched forth by pain, it was sustained by rage. Dark, seething, ancient rage; so powerful it was a tangible force in the air. It sent the guards staggering back from the door as though struck by unseen hands and turned Anders' blood to ice. There were strings of curses and hateful things spat forth in more languages than any of them could recognize, and there were threats made - horrific, detailed, twisted threats - the very idea of which made The Mage's skin crawl.
Zevran surfaced an hour later when the sound of Elissa's voice had finally fallen silent. The elf's face was unusually stoic as he attempted to mask whatever he'd been witness to behind carefully constructed walls, but Anders could easily see the way it had marked him, regardless of what he might think he was showing to the world.
"A messenger will need sending to The King." Zevran explained, motioning another guard over to take the place of the man to whom he was relaying his instructions. "Make certain he knows to cloak himself for travel and to bring The Wolf only for escort. Make certain he understands the urgency with which he must travel, but say nothing that would betray Doamna Mortii's confidence should our missive be intercepted."
The man nodded, making a hasty exit from the room in search of the fastest courier he could find. Though he said nothing, Anders saw the look of panic and fear in his eyes as he raced past on his way to the lower levels of the fortress. Zevran turned on his heel soon after, forcing Anders into a near jog simply to keep up with him.
"The King is aware of this, this... whatever this is that is happening to her?" Anders whispered, following close at Zevran's side as he was unsure how much of what had happened was considered appropriate for public discussion.
"Alistair is aware of many things." Zevran replied, muttering to himself in Antivan and increasing his pace. He had neither the time, nor the inclination to babysit The Mage and cursed the swamp-witch again for putting him in a position where he had to be the one expected to act as any sort of authority figure.
"Wait, Zevran… Slow down!" Anders insisted, finally reaching out to still The Assassin with a tentative hand on his arm. He'd seen the reflexes on the elf, and had no desire to find himself in another near death experience so soon after the last one. "I only want to know what's going on, and I think after very nearly being killed by it I, out of everyone else here, have every right to know."
"I am sorry, but I cannot answer your questions." Zevran sighed, relaxing the tension in his body so that Anders did not continue to perceive him as a possible threat. "If things go well in the tower…" he faltered for a moment, before clearing his throat and correcting his wording. "My Warden, she will explain all things to you herself once she has spoken with The King. Until then, I must ask for your patience and your trust… neither of which will be easy to give. Regardless, it is how things must be."
"Keeping secrets is what got us here. It's what got her here; locked away in a creepy tower being subjected to Maker only knows what based on the sounds coming out of there. I don't see how holding on to whatever it is she's hiding even longer is going to help anyone." Anders insisted, tousling his hair with his fingers when he could see that The Assassin wasn't going to budge. "Fine, I'll wait, and I'll do what I can to encourage the others to do the same. But we're going to need some answers soon; otherwise I can't make any promises on who is going to hang around and wait to see what it is that walks back out here in her body."
"You have my thanks, and my assurances that you will receive the answers you require very soon – or, at the very least, all the knowledge that we can give you." Zevran said, setting them in motion again. "Now, where is my boccone speziato… Sigrun, yes? That is her name?"
"I-I'm not sure. She came in with Oghren and I haven't seen either of them since I got here." Anders replied, finding it hard to keep up with the elf as he moved frantically through the maze like pattern of hallways. "They never made it up to the tower landing, but that's as much as I can tell you."
He started to hear screaming again soon after that sentence left his lips. The much deeper, gravelly though equally profanity laced bellowing was followed by the sound of something heavy crashing and breaking against the massive wooden door at the end of the hall. It rattled the doorknob and made Anders slow his pace and wish he hadn't followed the elf on this particular journey.
"Is that..?" Anders whispered, eyes gone wide when the sound of the familiar, though strained, voice forced him to realize where it was the elf had led them.
"Yes. He has been like this since your spell faded." Zevran replied, popping open the vial he had produced from a compartment on his armor and coating a small throwing knife with the substance inside it. "No one is willing to risk approaching him after he attempted to rip one of the guard's arms out of its socket, so this task has fallen to me. I was hoping to have Sigrun along. He seems to listen to her."
"I can go and find her, or try to." Anders offered, wanting to be as far away from that door as possible when Zevran opened it.
"Go, but come back quickly. I will restrain him once I have knocked him out which should make it safer for whomever it is that enters next. I do not care who takes this task, but someone will need to be here to re-administer the toxin once it has worn off and I must return to the tower." Zevran sighed, taking in a deep breath and then vanishing into shadow just inside the door.
Eventually Elissa was released from the tower and settled into her personal quarters, though that room remained as heavily guarded as the tower passage had been. Anders heard no more screaming once she'd been settled inside, but no matter how long he waited, she never emerged and so he began to wonder if she was unconscious or dead or... worse.
Velanna stayed hidden for the most part. She had no intention of interacting with anyone she wasn't forced to and as Elissa was essentially gone from them at the moment, she had no reason to stay nearby. Anders secretly hoped she'd just leave and disappear into the Deep Roads in search of her sister, but she always returned at dusk to lock herself away in the room she'd been given.
Oghren spent his time as inebriated as he could possibly get and passed out in whatever span of floor or furniture he managed to reach. He avoided the area Elissa had been confined to like the plague and refused to address what was happening no matter how many times Anders fished for the information.
Sigrun spent all of her time with Nathaniel or in the hallway just outside of his room. He'd been given guards of his own, though his chamber had fallen blissfully silent around the same time that Elissa had been moved. Anders checked in on his condition with Sigrun often, and she gave him what limited information she felt comfortable sharing. Nathaniel didn't always make sense between the sedatives in Zevran's toxin and whatever had leaked into him from Elissa. Even when he did, the things he spoke of with Sigrun weren't the sort of information he would want made public, so she had little to offer The Mage in the way of status updates. It saddened Anders to see how dim her smile was becoming as the days passed them by.
Zevran came and went from Elissa's room frequently and in the company of a withered old mage that Anders assumed to be Avernus. The man literally buzzed with a distinctly unpleasant energy, and one that Anders had seen before back during the Circle uprising that had nearly claimed his life. It was just one more piece in the puzzle, the complete picture of which was quickly revealing itself to be horrifically dark. It became more and more of a struggle to fight down his natural urge to simply say, "sod it all" and run again.
When The King finally arrived, a second week had nearly come to an end. Alistair strode through the halls in a wild rush, barely recognizable in the nondescript leather armor he'd worn for travel. Swiftrunner lingered close at his side, mumbling with him about one thing or another as they made their way purposefully toward Elissa's quarters. His eyes landed on Anders as he neared the door and he came to a stop in front of the mage, tugging loose his dark gloves and tucking them in his belt.
"The messenger said someone had nearly been killed; was it you?" Alistair asked, both his voice and his face missing all of the boyish humor that usually defined them.
"Yes, Your Majesty… I-I…" Anders replied, standing up from his seat and uncertain whether he should kneel or bow or something similarly reverential. He'd been waiting in the hallway just outside Elissa's door for any news he could gather on her condition, the same as he did every day.
"Alistair, it's just Alistair… especially to another Warden." The King sighed, softening a bit as he ran his fingers through his tousled hair. "Was anyone else injured?"
"Well, she punched Velanna…" Anders replied, unable to stop himself from smiling just a little at the memory of the cranky Dalish woman sailing through the air, even though he understood the severity of the situation in which they now found themselves.
"Velanna?" Alistair asked, his face etched with confusion. "I don't think I know that name, and it seems unique enough that I'd have a hard time forgetting it."
"She's a Dalish Keeper we… sort of… picked up in the Wending Wood." Anders explained, shaking his head. "Elissa intended for her to be put through The Joining, but now…"
"Go. Find her." Alistair instructed Swiftrunner, and Anders watched as The Wolf disappeared down the long hall from where they'd appeared. "Anyone else I should know about?"
"She cut Nathaniel up pretty good. Well, I suppose stabbed would be a more appropriate term." Anders replied, watching Alistair's eyes narrow at the mention of The Archer's name.
"She went after Howe?" Alistair asked, taking a step forward. "How did this start? Did he instigate it?"
"No. This... none of this was Nathaniel's fault." Anders replied, a bit irritated that that theory had even come into Alistair's mind. He didn't much care for the former nobleman, but he didn't deserve to take the blame for his own torture simply because The King couldn't put aside his jealousy. "He was the last of us she went after, and she only turned on him because he made an effort to save me. He could have run away when he saw…" he stopped, realizing with an irritated sigh the truth of the words he was about to utter. "Nathaniel Howe saved my life, Your Majesty. Think what you want of the man, but that's the truth, plain and simple."
"I'll have to speak with him as well then." Alistair sighed, unconvinced by Anders assertions but conceding the point for the moment. "Could you go to collect him? I don't feel like waiting for Swiftrunner to return. I find myself to be lacking for patience these days."
"I'm afraid you might have to do your best to manage some as I doubt I can retrieve him. I'm not even certain they'd allow Swiftrunner access." Anders replied. He was uncertain how best to proceed, as now he found himself wading into the dangerous waters beneath which Elissa hid the husks that embodied the many deceptions she continued to amass with each passing day. "He's been put in isolation and we've had to either sedate or restrain him for the past several days. No one has been allowed access to his quarters with the exception of Sigrun or Zevran."
"Restrained? Why in Thedas is he being restrained?" Alistair asked, brow knitted in confusion. "Did you not just say the man had been injured saving your life?"
"Whatever is happening to Elissa has had an adverse affect on Nathaniel as well." Anders explained, giving just enough information – he hoped – to explain the reasons behind Nathaniel's confinement, without being forced to reveal what had happened between the pair in The Fade. "He went, well, mad essentially. He's been kept like this both for our safety, and his own."
"It's affecting him, it's… that's…" Alistair muttered, pacing in an attempt to calm his surging temper before returning his attention to the anxiety-ridden mage. "There is only one way that I know of, in which Howe could be affected by this, and that would mean that Elissa slept with him. And she assured me, repeatedly, she had not. Are you telling me that she lied?"
"Not exactly…" Anders replied, cautiously choosing his words as he watched the flame of fury rising in The King's eyes. He was betraying a confidence that was valuable to him, even now after all that had happened between them, but he saw little choice in the matter.
"What does that mean? Either they've lain together or they haven't." Alistair retorted, eyes narrowed suspiciously on the mage. "It's not a complicated question. I'm supposed to be the stupid one and even I know that."
"Maker's hairy balls… I don't want to be the one telling you this…" Anders huffed, pacing away for a moment to gather his thoughts.
"Just spit it out, already!" Alistair insisted, folding his arms across his chest. "I'm exhausted and dirty and at the end of my own bloody rope. I don't have the patience to wait for you to make peace with your conscience."
"You were raised in the Chantry, right? That's the rumor?" Anders asked, waiting a moment for the terse nod The King threw to him before continuing. "Then you should be familiar with the old tales about the Soul Binding rituals among the Chasind? Tell me you know what I'm talking about, for Andraste's sake." He watched the light of understanding overtake that of anger in the other man's eyes.
"You mean the old marriage rites where the betrothed couple would meld their essences together?" Alistair asked, eyes narrowed again. "They always told us that was a myth. It's actually true?"
"The idea at the core of those rites, the assumption that a soul can be permanently merged into another, yes. That is very much true." Anders replied, watching Alistair draw in a slow shaking breath to attempt to manage his renewed fury.
"And they did this? Elissa and… Howe… they entered into these rites together?" Alistair asked, eyes carefully watching for Anders' response.
"Not intentionally, no." Anders said, feeling – again – the urge to flee and leave the three of them to sort out their own problems.
"Not intentionally? How does one accidentally merge their soul into someone else's?" Alistair asked, missing the pieces he needed to make sense of this irksome situation and irritated that the mage was taking so long to produce them.
"We got trapped in The Fade while we were investigating a Warden who had gone missing in the Blackmarsh. While we were in there Elissa and Nathaniel… they were intimate…" Anders explained, his words trailing off as The King's face fell and then rebuilt itself in anger.
"So they had soul sex? And that, what, merged them into one another somehow?" Alistair asked, the rumblings of a growing fury seething beneath the calm facade of his carefully chosen words.
"In the simplest sense, yes." Anders replied, watching the other man start to pace in frustration. "I… she thought he was a demon, she thought…" Anders was lying. He knew he was lying and he didn't even know why. The words were just spilling out of him of their own volition.
"I know you're trying to protect her… Someone is always trying to protect her, but you can stop. Even if Elissa did think he was a demon, we both know it wouldn't make this any better. And we both know that she was well aware he wasn't a demon but she chose to do it anyway." Alistair replied, taking in and letting out a long breath. "I will address this with her when she is stronger, and we will decide how to proceed from there. At the very least I suspect she and Howe and I will have a very long and unpleasant conversation. But, for now, I must ask that you let neither of them know that we have spoken of this."
Anders started to reply; to caution The King against keeping any more secrets than he and Elissa already had between them, but he lost the opportunity when the door opened and Zevran emerged with Avernus. Alistair excused himself then to speak with them and eventually disappeared inside Elissa's room while Zevran escorted the mage back to the tower.
When Alistair entered the room, Elissa was sleeping. He walked over to the bed and settled down at her side, watching her body rising and falling with the pattern of her breathing. She was deathly pale against the deep blue of her nightgown; her body littered with bruises and pinpricks where Avernus had taken what he needed from her. She seemed so small and so fragile and so far from the firebrand who had stolen his heart years before.
He reached out to brush the curls of her hair away from her forehead slowly, fighting the urge to pull his hand back at the heat that radiated out from her even before his hand made contact with her skin. As soon as he touched her, she stirred, her green eyes fluttering open and immediately focusing in on his face.
"You came." Elissa smiled, rolling over toward him and drawing his attention to the leather and chain that restrained her when her hair fell away from her neck.
"Oh, Elissa… why have they chained you? Let me get these off…" Alistair said, his brow furrowed as he reached forward to try and unclasp the ones at her wrist.
"No. I asked to keep them on…" she insisted, stopping his hands with hers before he could reach her and causing the chains to rattle in the process.
"But why? Avernus says you've been mostly docile for two days now." he asked, allowing himself to be deterred but folding her hands into his own to stop the chains from sounding again.
"Mostly docile. Avernus is still working out the kinks in the new formula. Until I am certain it is…" Elissa sighed, reaching up to hold his face when he could not pull his eyes away from her restraints. "It is for your safety, Alistair. Yours and everyone else's. You weren't here when… You didn't see… Maker, Alistair… I nearly killed Anders. I would have if Nathaniel hadn't…"
"Shh…" Alistair whispered, tugging her into his arms a bit forcefully and ignoring the way she now seemed reluctant to allow herself the comfort of another's touch. "The important thing is you didn't, and now that Avernus is making progress on adjusting the formula it won't happen again."
"We don't know that, Alistair. I don't know that. What if the tonic is no longer enough? What if it's happening too fast now for me to control?" she muttered, muffling her face against the soft leather that covered his arm and fighting down the urge to lose herself to her tears. "We have to at least entertain the possibility that it's beyond our control and that I may need to be locked away or even put down before…"
"What! I will not discuss this!" he said, jumping up from the bed in shock and pulling his eyes away from the tortured exhaustion that reflected in the dull green of her own. "We are not locking you away in some tower chained to a wall and left to rot for all eternity, nor are we putting you down like a rabid mabari! I mean it, Elissa, these are not options… not yet."
"Then you admit that one day they might be." Elissa replied, watching his head slowly turn to her though he said nothing. "Then I concede, for the moment. But the day will come when we will be forced to revisit this subject and I need to know that you will not fight me, Alistair. I need to know that when the time comes you will act in the best interest of Ferelden and ignore the mutterings of your heart."
"How am I supposed to do that, Elissa?" Alistair sighed, his voice broken as he sat again at her side. "How do I just turn that off and do what has to be done? Could you if it was me?"
"Yes." she answered, no hesitation in her words or her eyes. "I have always done what was necessary for the greater good, and this would be no different. Allowing you to be lost to darkness would serve neither Ferelden nor myself."
"You can be so cold." he said, the words almost whispered as he looked her over and tried to remember if she had always been this way or if it was yet another side effect of that poison wreaking havoc in her body.
"I'm not being cold, I'm being honest." Elissa insisted, reaching out to thread her fingers into his. "It would kill me to do it, and I would mourn you to my grave, but I would do what needed to be done without hesitation."
"Then you are far stronger than I." Alistair replied, pressing his lips to her hand and then dropping it to his lap. "But let us cross that bridge when we come to it. For now we need to decide how we are going to deal with the fallout from this unfortunate series of events."
"We have to come clean, Alistair. There is no way around it now." she answered, listening to his slow release of breath tell her he'd known this was coming but dreaded it regardless. "And that means everything. The concoction, the changes, the Archdemon and what you did with Morrigan. I'm sorry, but we have no other choice."
"I know…" he muttered, threading his fingers into his hair again and looking as though he wanted to be sick."Maker but I'd hoped to never speak of this again, well, until the First Warden finally decides to haul us off to Weisshaupt prison and force it out of us."
"That day may yet come, but for now let's deal with this debacle." Elissa said, offering a wan smile as he turned to settle back against the headboard. "I'll have you gather the others, but first I need to tell you about what we found in the Wending Woods…"
By the time Elissa had finished recounting her experiences with and concerns about The Architect it was late in the day. She requested that the evening meal be served in her quarters so that the Wardens could eat if they wished while she and Alistair said the things that had hidden far too long in silence.
It took some time to gather them all, but Alistair and Zevran eventually located the scattered members of their company and brought them to Elissa's room where they now sat anxiously near the rear of the chamber. Nathaniel was brought in last, and made no effort to conceal his irritation when he saw Alistair lounging on the bed at Elissa's side.
Once Nathaniel had found his seat, Zevran closed and barred the door moving back to take his place at Elissa's other side while Swiftrunner took up his post at the door. She passed her eyes over the group slowly; no one was eating, or speaking. They all looked afraid to even move for breathing.
"You have every right to fear me." Elissa began, swallowing down her shame and exhaustion and just trying to press through it. "I would probably be much the same were our positions reversed. And so I have taken steps to ensure your safety so that you can feel comfortable while we speak of what has happened and the things that brought us to this place." she continued, sighing, as she saw no reaction from any of them. "Alistair, Swiftrunner and Zevran each hold daggers coated with a toxin that will render me unconscious if necessary and there are also these…" she raised her arms up in the air, shaking the chains that linked her manacles to the back wall along with the one around her neck. "I doubt even I would be able to get through all of that before they managed to subdue me. So drink, eat, relax… at least a little. We have much to discuss and I would not see a Warden deprived of a meal."
They started to eat then, relaxing at least to the extent it took to go through the motions of providing themselves with sustenance. Elissa took the furtive glances from everyone out of the corners of their eyes with as much grace as she could muster, knowing it was no more than what she deserved.
"So what exactly are you?" Velanna said, finally breaking the silence, though the horrified glances from everyone around her made it clear no one thought that to be a good idea. "Don't look at me like that! You're all thinking it!"
"It's alright." Elissa assured the others, even managing to offer up a half believable smile. "It's a fair question, but one that requires a rather long explanation, I'm afraid." She cleared her throat, struggling to find the words to continue. "Essentially, I am nothing more than a Grey Warden – the same as most of you, only… the effect the tainted blood has on me was… amplified."
"Amplified how?" Anders asked, wiping the small amount of soup that dripped out of his mouth off with the back of his hand.
"Alistair and I came here with some of our companions during The Blight, hoping to reclaim the old fortress as a safe haven. At the time we fought against not only the darkspawn horde but also Loghain and Rendon's collected forces." Elissa began, taking in a deep breath. "What we discovered, among many things I won't go into now as we simply haven't the time, was a very old Warden locked away in the tower by the very things he'd summoned in an attempt to protect himself during the original siege on Soldier's Peak."
"A blood mage…" Anders hissed, eyes narrowed, as the reasons for his intense distrust of the old man suddenly fell into place. "I knew he felt off."
"You don't know the half of it…" Alistair muttered, falling silent with a glare from Elissa.
"Avernus has… dabbled in the dark arts over the course of his life. Neither he, nor I will deny this." Elissa explained, her chains jingling as she tugged nervous fingers through the ends of her curls. "But it was these diversions that allowed him to create a concoction that possessed the ability to unlock within a Warden's blood a cornucopia of powers to which we had previously not had access."
"Oh! That's what was wrong with your blood then!" Sigrun quipped, her voice suddenly perky again. "Back in the Blackmarsh when you melted away the ground and The Baroness."
"Yes, that is one of the effects that I have experienced." Elissa replied, sharing a small knowing smile with the dwarf.
"Is there more?" Anders asked, wondering if she was suddenly going to start producing her talents like a series of magic tricks.
"Increased speed, stamina and awareness were the first things I noticed. There is likely much more I have been unable to grasp as of yet. The concoction isn't predictable and Avernus didn't have…" Elissa started, clearing her throat again as she searched for the words to continue. "I am the first person to be exposed to it that has lived for any length of time."
"So this stuff you drank, it could have killed you? It could still kill you?" Nathaniel asked, the hoarse whisper of his words drawing Elissa's eyes to him for the first time since she'd started to speak. "And you…" he continued, flipping his angry glare up to Alistair, "you let her do this?"
"No one lets Elissa do anything. If you can't see that, then you don't know her nearly as well as you think you do" Alistair snorted, rolling his eyes and further instigating The Archer's temper before Elissa intervened.
"Alistair. That is not helping." Elissa insisted, calming him with the light press of her hand on his arm. "And Nathaniel, you should know that Alistair tried both to stop me and to take this burden for his own. It was my decision to drink it. No one else is responsible."
"You had to know it was dangerous!" Anders insisted, furious that she would take such a chance. "Anything a blood mage would offer to you is toxic! You had no idea what that was! It could have been anything!"
"I took it on faith that it was a sacrifice worth making if it killed me; and a chance worth taking if it didn't." Elissa explained, chuckling when she thought back on a time when she had still had some modicum of faith left in something. "You have to understand, back then it was us against the world." She continued, reaching over to take Alistair's hand in her own. "We, so far as we knew, were the only living Wardens remaining in all of Ferelden. We had a Blight to thwart and prices on our heads everywhere we turned. I did what I had to do for the sake of all of us, and I would do it again if given the choice." Anders faltered a bit as her words sank in, remembering the stories of just how alone she and The King had been in the face of total chaos. "The changes were slow at first; manageable, and I had Avernus' notes on his previous test subjects." Elissa continued, pausing when Alistair interrupted again.
"Victims, Elissa… unwilling prisoners whom he bled and exposed to that poison…" Alistair said, his voice thick with the disdain he clearly felt toward the mage even after all these years locked in the holding pattern of their uneasy agreement. "He forcefully experimented on a great many Wardens. There's no glossing over that with pretty words."
"Fine, Alistair. You're right. Avernus has done some horrible things in his past." Elissa replied, sighing at his unnecessary petulance. "But, since we found him, all of his experimentation has been limited to only willing participants – one in particular."
"You? You're the subject of his experiments?" Anders asked, sharing an uneasy glance with Alistair and listening to the angry grumbling from Nathaniel in the corner. "Is that what caused this?"
"No." Elissa answered.
"You don't know that it wasn't…" Alistair interrupted.
"No." Elissa repeated, glaring him into silence. "This is the result of many things. While the concoction started it, it was not Avernus who has caused it to progress to this stage. If anything, he has been the only thing holding it in check for so long."
"Then what?" Anders asked, watching the slow guilty look that passed between Alistair and Elissa – forcing The King to his feet to worry his hair in frustration.
"This is to do with the Archdemon?" Nathaniel noted, drawing all eyes to his face. "How you managed to kill it and survive?"
"Alistair, you have to tell this story. It's not mine… I cannot…" Elissa replied, waiting for Alistair to resign himself to it. "I don't know what happened…"
"Alright, alright!" Alistair huffed, sitting back down on the side of the bed. "Elissa and I were only newly joined when we lost all the Wardens at Ostagar. Dun…" he choked on the name, unable to speak it even now. "Our Warden-Commander hadn't had time to explain anything to us about what was required of us to stop The Blight." He sighed, long and slow, reaching for Elissa's hand in search of comfort. "We didn't know that to kill the Archdemon, one of us had to die. We didn't know that until the night before we left to march on Denerim."
"It was a… shock to say the least. Riordan offered to take the blow as he was the eldest of us and close to his own Calling already." Elissa continued when his voice faltered at the recollection. "But, we knew there was a very real possibility that he could fail, and if he did, one of us would have to finish it. Alistair was going to be king, so we decided it would be me."
"We decided nothing." Alistair interrupted, his temper flaring a bit when he thought on how Elissa had plotted against him on that night. "You took it upon yourself and then orchestrated a plot with Zevran to incapacitate me should I decide to interfere."
"Which you did." Elissa added, listening to his answering snort.
"What did you expect me to do?" Alistair asked, standing to pace again as they entered the throes of a very old argument.
"Oh, I don't know, Alistair. Maybe let me fulfill my purpose as a Warden?" Elissa asked, folding her arms in frustration.
"Your decision had little to do with fulfilling your purpose as a Warden and a lot more to do with the death wish you developed shortly after killing Howe's bastard of a father!" Alistair retorted, tossing an angry arm out to point in Nathaniel's direction. "You'd had a nice tumble with Riordan to say goodbye to your long lost love and were ready to end it all of a sudden."
"This isn't about, Riordan…" Elissa hissed. "Or Nathaniel."
"Isn't it!" Alistair retorted.
"While I'll happily agree this is a lovely lesson in why one shouldn't shit where they eat," Velanna snipped, her voice loud enough to drown out their argument and thick with frustration, "can we please progress to the points that are relevant to why this possessed shem bitch tried to kill us?"
"She's not possessed!" Alistair snapped, rounding on the elf before Elissa managed to get a grip on his arm.
"Alistair…" Elissa warned, releasing her grip when he settled back to lean against the wall at her side.
"You're a lot of things, Elissa, but possessed isn't one of them." Alistair repeated, folding his arms and pulling one of his feet up to press back against the stone.
"Let's get back to the point, otherwise we'll be here all night arguing semantics and I haven't the fortitude for that." Elissa said, encouraging him to continue.
"We traveled with an apostate during The Blight…" Alistair sighed, covering his face in his hands as he remembered the woman in question sauntering into his room with her proposition.
"Morrigan? I heard she was Flemeth's daughter…" Anders replied, watching that name register in the minds of the others.
"She was that, among many things." Elissa answered, "The most important of them being our friend."
"Pfft. She wasn't my friend." Alistair continued, shaking his head. "She was a manipulative, horrible, evil cun…"
"Stop right there." Elissa interrupted, unable to listen to yet another round of just how much Alistair continued to hate the swamp witch.
"Fine. Morrigan came to my room that last night in Redcliffe. She knew that Elissa planned to sacrifice herself to kill the Archdemon – and, though there are a great many negative things I can say about the bitch, she did honestly care for Elissa. That much I do not question." Alistair said, pushing out a long breath. "She had an offer for me, a way to save Elissa from the death we both knew she was going to throw herself head long into."
"More blood magic?" Anders asked, feathers ruffling again.
"I don't think so, no. Morrigan was just as put off by the idea of those magics as you are." Elissa explained, watching him settle back down again. "She disapproved of Avernus and any other demon trucking mage we encountered."
"I agree. There was no blood involved… just other… fluids…" Alistair blushed, covering his face with his hands again and muttering through his fingers. "Elissa… please don't make me say this aloud. You have my permission to reveal my dirty little secret, just don't make me be the one to explain it. I'll die, I swear it. I'll die right here and you'll be responsible."
"Alright." Elissa sighed, reaching over to squeeze his hand with a half smile "Take a few deep breaths and calm down." She watched him settle into a nearby chair and do as she asked, though his face was glowing with color. "Alistair lay with Morrigan, and together they conceived a child that would bear the Warden taint. With this child, Morrigan was able to redirect the soul of the Old God away from my body – where it would have killed me, and into the body of the… vessel."
"So you allowed a rogue mage, the daughter of Asha'bellanar no less, to just wander off impregnated with some kind of demon seed?" Velanna snorted, her face pulled up into a sneer. "You are even more stupid than I had originally imagined. Both of you."
"I did no such thing. I turned Morrigan down when she came to me with this proposition." Elissa retorted, her patience for the Dalish woman running thin. "When I went to kill the Archdemon, I was unaware that she had gone to Alistair and that he had accepted."
"Would it have stopped you?" Sigrun asked, curiosity getting the better of her.
"Probably not." Elissa answered honestly. "The Archdemon had to die, with or without a child carrying the soul of an Old God."
"I still don't understand how this relates to whatever's going on with you." Anders said, brow knitting in confusion.
"When the Archdemon died, this… blast of energy came out of it. It traveled up the blade she'd shoved through its skull and into Elissa." Alistair explained, finally getting past his embarrassment enough to speak again.
"That blast leveled buildings!" Nathaniel exclaimed, turning Alistair's narrowed eyes in his direction as he realized the man had been in Denerim all along. "Are you saying that, whatever that was, passed into you as well?"
"I don't remember. I was unconscious by then, and for quite some time afterward. I can't tell you what happened. I can only tell you that according to Avernus, it sped up the process that his concoction had begun." Elissa said, fiddling with her fingers beneath the weight of his heavy stare. "The taint progressed faster in my blood. Something that normally would have taken years now condensing into months. It wasn't too long after that I experienced my first loss of control, though it was nothing like this one." She sighed, raising her eyes back up to the room and watching the uncomfortable staring begin again. "Now, whatever it is The Architect did has sped things up again. The taint is advancing faster, it's taking weeks now…"
"But why? If it's not unlocking new abilities, why advance it?" Anders asked, not understanding what was being explained. "Isn't it just killing you faster?"
"It is unlocking new abilities, it's just happening so fast that I can't understand or explore them – at least not on a conscious level. Sometimes they just manifest, like when I caught that arrow in the basement." Elissa explained, holding Nathaniel's eyes for a moment. "As far as progressing the taint, yes… it's killing me. I can feel that, but, it's also making me stronger." She breathed in again, trying to sort through the distorted memory she had of what she'd become in the woods. "Essentially, what I have been able to piece together of my memories about what happened on the way here, combined with what Avernus has discovered, seems to point to the idea that a Warden with fully unlocked blood would be – by definition – nothing more than a weapon. A perfect killing machine."
"I can certainly vouch for that." Anders replied, a chill running up his spine when he thought on how she had been when completely lost to its influence.
"And what, if anything, can be done to keep you in check?" Velanna asked, eyes narrowing on her face. "I have no intention of traveling with someone who could go completely mental and kill me at any moment."
"You were traveling with someone who could go completely mental and kill you at any moment before, you just didn't know it. But, in answer to your question, Avernus has kept the progression in check for many years with his tonics, and has altered the formula further to combat this newest advance." Elissa replied, watching the woman sit back down. "We will be spending a few more days here at The Peak while he irons a few more bugs out of it. Hopefully during that time we can come to a place where if you cannot trust me, you can at least trust that Zevran, and anyone else who wishes to speak with him for proper training, is capable of neutralizing me should I become a threat again. Anyone who cannot, will be reassigned to the outpost of their choice. I… I do not wish to lose any of you, but I will not force you to stay in a place where you fear for your lives and cannot trust in your commander to see to your safety."
Elissa sat quietly, waiting for someone to say something, but no words seemed forthcoming, and so she dismissed them for the evening.
"Velanna, could you stay for a moment." Elissa requested, watching the woman pause suspiciously. "Don't worry. Alistair is staying so you won't be left alone with a murderous lunatic." The elf acquiesced, strolling over to the bed. "Anders and Nathaniel, if you could wait outside with Zev please. I'll need to speak to you afterward."
Velanna paced over to the chair that Alistair had vacated, sitting down slowly and never once taking her eyes off where Elissa sat in the bed.
"Do you still wish to submit yourself for The Joining?" Elissa asked, waiting patiently for the woman to think over her answer. "I will not think less of you if you decide against it, after all you have seen. And you will be provided with all the supplies you would need to return to the clan of your choosing along with an escort for your safety should you choose to leave us." The elf watched her still, clearly mulling over the honesty of her offer. "However, should you still wish to become a Warden, Alistair will put you through the Joining tonight so that you can recover before we return to The Vigil. It will give you the opportunity to ask many questions of Avernus, should you decide to avail yourself of him." The woman flinched a bit at that. "Don't worry. Your visits would be supervised for your comfort."
"Very well. I will submit to your Joining." Velanna said, clearing her throat as she stood.
"Avernus has already made the necessary preparations. Alistair will take you there when we are finished here. I wish you luck, Velanna. You will need it." Elissa said, sharing a short terse nod with the woman before she turned on heel and headed for the door. "Oh, and Velanna?" the woman turned back briefly just inside the open door. "I know you won't believe me, not now at least – and that's fine, but I am sorry. Had I been in control of my faculties, I would never have struck you like that."
"Oh yes you would have!" Velanna snipped, glaring at her.
"Okay… fine… I would have, but not like that. Not with the intention of hurting you." Elissa admitted, holding the woman's eyes so she could see how truly repentant she was. "I am sorry, Velanna. I hope that one day you will believe that."
The elf said nothing, simply disappeared into the hall sending Anders back through the door in her wake.
The mage paced up, past the chair Velanna sat in and up to the edge of the bed. Elissa watched him but said nothing, waiting for him to become comfortable enough to do or say whatever was needed.
"I don't expect you to forgive me, Anders. Or to ever trust me again." Elissa said finally, fighting to keep the emotion out of her voice so that he didn't get the impression she was using her tears to sway him. The memory of what she had done before attempting to choke the life from his body was still stark in her mind. "I…"
"Can we have a moment?" Anders said, finally breaking his own silence and looking up to Alistair.
"You want me to leave you alone with her?" Alistair asked, surprised that the man would come this close to her even with a chaperone much less allow himself to be sequestered with her after what she'd done to him.
"I think we both know she can take care of herself, if it's her welfare you're concerned for." Anders answered, his face betraying nothing of the emotions that might be running beneath it. "And if it's me you're worried for, you can leave me that dagger if you think there's reason for concern."
Alistair looked to Elissa who nodded her assent, though she too looked surprised at the request.
"I'll be outside if you need me." Alistair said, walking to the door and closing it softly behind him.
Anders stood for a moment longer just staring. It was as though he was trying to read something in her eyes and it made Elissa's skin itch because she wasn't certain he was going to be happy with what he saw. But she tolerated it, knowing she had to if there was any hope for them to repair what she had broken… again.
"Would you really have killed me?" Anders asked, and suddenly Elissa felt as though she'd been led up to the gallows and given a few moments to make her peace with the world before everything she'd known went dark.
"Yes." she said, hating herself for it but knowing it was the truth. And the man deserved the truth.
"Well… I suppose that makes this conversation fairly simple then…" he replied, huffing out a long puff of air and covering his face with his hands.
Elissa felt her heart drop, but willed herself to show nothing. He would walk away and she would lose the closest thing she'd had to a friend since she'd left Sten in Par Vollen. But she would give him no argument, and would offer up no defense. She steeled herself for the rejection she knew was coming, and the inevitable request for transfer sure to follow.
"I am so angry right now I could just… urgh!" Anders said, kicking the chair hard enough to knock it over and causing Elissa to flinch at the sound of it. "Threatened, choked, and then you leave me beholden to that sorry bastard, Howe. Honestly, Elissa… I'm going to have to thank the man. You know that, right?"
Elissa stared at him, mouth agape, completely uncertain what to say or do. She'd threatened his life and very nearly ended it and he was standing here making jokes about having to be grateful to Nathaniel?
Suddenly he was laughing, that quirky smile of his beaming out at her like a beacon, and she couldn't help but respond. So they laughed, laughed so hard it hurt and so long it brought tears to their eyes. They laughed until Anders was forced to flop down on the edge of the bed next to her simply to keep from falling over.
When he reached over to take her hand, she didn't flinch from it – she welcomed it.
"I-I thought… I was certain that you…" Elissa started, crossing her other hand over and covering his with it softly.
"What? That I'd run screaming for the hills?" Anders snorted, tossing his other hand on top of the pile. "Don't think I didn't contemplate the idea… because I did, several times actually." He listened to her sigh beside him and leaned back against the headboard, wrapping his arm around her shoulders. "You know, I think you are the only person I have ever met who has a more damaged past than mine? Knowing that, and adding to it what I know now… I couldn't leave you, no matter how badly I might have wanted to. You told me once you needed a friend you could count on, and I believe that. But Elissa, I need to know going forward there are no more secrets. These secrets could have killed you, and me apparently. I can't go through this again. Even a remarkable man like me has his limits."
Elissa chuckled again, her body shaking his as the laughter rolled through her.
"No more secrets." Elissa agreed, squeezing his hand.
"Good. Don't suppose you'll thank Howe for me?" Anders asked, quirking an eyebrow at her as he stood. She shook her head and smiled. "Yeah… didn't think so. I'll send him in."
He strolled over to the door leisurely, stopping when she called out for him when he reached the doorknob.
"Anders, ask Alistair to stay outside, if you would." Elissa said, drawing a sigh in response. "I know, he won't like it, but he'll do it. There are… things… we need to say to one another, and I know Nathaniel won't say them with Alistair present, nor should he have to."
When the door opened again, it was Nathaniel. He leaned back against the thick dark wood as he closed it, standing there and staring at her but saying nothing. She wanted to ask him to stop, but it was obvious he was angry about what she had done to bring herself to this point, and it she knew it was probably best not to prod at that.
Eventually he walked over and sat silently down on the edge of the bed. He was close enough that she could feel the heat from his body, but far enough away that he wasn't touching her. From where he sat, she could see the evidence that he had been restrained, much the same as she now was.
"You're angry." Elissa said. It was a statement; told, not asked.
"Of course I'm angry Elissa, I'm bloody furious. You're so stubborn and thick headed and…" Nathaniel seethed, his body shaking with the strength of his rage. "I'm also beside myself with worry over your condition. And all of it is difficult to reconcile, especially when you're sitting there bruised and battered and chained to the wall like a beast and all I want to do is…"
"Did they hurt you?" Elissa interrupted, her voice soft and tentative. She felt as though she was walking on broken glass knowing what had passed between them and having no idea how to even begin to repair it, if it even could be.
"They did what was necessary at the time. They had no choice, I understand that." Nathaniel replied. His words were logical and measured, so carefully chosen Elissa could easily see he was just as uncertain how to proceed as she was.
"Nathaniel, I… the things I did to you… I forced you into a situation…" she stopped and started, searching for the words but failing to find them.
"I was there, Elissa. I remember. I was more than willing to go where you led me." he continued, watching her brow furrow with concern and embarrassment.
"You had a physical reaction to my very inappropriate… stimulation. One could hardly expect you not to have some sort of bodily response with me writhing about on your lap like a cat in heat…" Elissa said, her voice pained as she remembered her wanton behavior. "A hard-on hardly makes you complicit in the grand scheme of things. I cut into you, Nathaniel… like a butcher carving meat. I-I wanted to hear you scream, I got off on it…" she reached out for him, unable to fight the desire to simply feel the touch of his skin, the motion jingled the chain on her arm and drew Nathaniel's eyes down to it. She dropped her hand back down to the bed. "I'm sorry… I know the last thing you want is for me ever to touch you again."
"That isn't…" Nathaniel said softly, reaching up to tug the lock picks out of his hair and taking her hand within the calloused warmth of his own.
"They're for your safety, you shouldn't…" she started, pulling her hand out of his reach.
"You're completely neutral at the moment. You can trust me when I say if you weren't, I would be the first to know of it." he replied, his open palm willing her arm into his grasp where he quickly popped open one after another of her wrist restraints.
As he leaned up to work on the one at her neck, his shirt dropped open and she was face to face with the notch she'd carved into his chest.
"You should have had Anders heal this." Elissa said, reaching out her fingers to trace along the jagged evidence of her debauchery. "You don't deserve to be left with a scar as a result of my actions."
"The way I see it, it's simply a reminder of the damage we can do to one another if we aren't careful." Nathaniel responded. His voice was rough as he sat back down, his thumbs brushing against the sensitive skin of Elissa's neck and sending a chill down her spine as he removed her collar. "We both have our demons to fight, Elissa. You've said that before. Now we've seen them at work."
"That was my darkness in action, Nathaniel, not yours. You merely reacted to what I fed you through the conduit." she assured him, clearing her throat as he sat down across from her. "Much the same way I'm reacting to what you're feeding me now."
"And what would that be?" he asked, that slight smug smile twitching up the corner of his mouth in a way that was so exclusively Nathaniel.
"Don't get fresh, Nathaniel. I haven't the strength for it, and neither do you." Elissa replied, unable to stop herself from grinning back at him. "We have to find a way to manage this…"
"I don't think it's management we need, it's balance. This connection we have could be incredibly useful if we'd stop fighting against it or using it as a weapon against each other and actually take the time to figure out how to use it in a constructive fashion." Nathaniel insisted, folding his arms over his chest. "Think about what we did with The Baroness, and we didn't even know the first thing about what this bond meant back then. With practice, we could learn to control it, and to block it if that's a concern." He could see her opening to his train of thought and pressed forward. "And who better than me to help protect you from yourself? I felt it this time; I just didn't know what it was. Now that I know what to look for, I can help you back it down before it gets out of control. If you would trust me to do that."
"Why would you even be willing to do this after what I did to you?" she asked, unable to fathom why he would make any effort to repair her after seeing a glimpse at how broken she actually was.
"Aside from being concerned for my commander's general well being?" he said, sighing when her look made it clear she didn't buy one bit of that. "I love you, Elissa. I've made no secret of that, and I won't start now. I know you think this should have changed that, but it didn't. If anything it made me more determined to take the shot you gave me to win you back." She started to speak, but he silenced her. "Don't worry, I remember. I told you I wouldn't overstep the boundaries of our friendship without an invitation and I don't intend to." She relaxed a bit, so he continued. "I am furious at the risks you have taken with your life, but I understand why you take them more than you can probably imagine. I also have a selfish desire to do what I can to see you safe, regardless of the toll that might take on my own sanity."
"Then… I suppose we take some time to figure it all out… though I wouldn't know where to start." Elissa admitted, threading her fingers through her hair.
"We sit down in a room and try some things. It's not like there's a manual to follow." Nathaniel laughed, watching her lips purse at him as her brow rose.
"The last time we tried some things in a room together you decided to get all handsy with yourself and we know how that ended." she snorted, rolling her eyes.
"Explosively." he said, and Elissa was forced to stifle a laugh.
"Stop being funny, Nathaniel Howe." Elissa smirked, folding her arms and attempting to look less jovial.
"We can do it in a public area if you're worried I'll not exercise proper decorum. I simply meant we should try shutting things on and off. Try communicating things like what we did with The Baroness." Nathaniel explained, trying not to smile at her. "We have to figure it out, or it will drive us both crazy… and if we somehow manage to rekindle, at the very least, our friendship in the process, I don't see the harm in that."
He was smiling at her then. That subtle quirk of his lips that was almost not there at all if you didn't know what you were looking for. Elissa realized that at some point during that conversation he'd plucked one of her hands loose and was now trailing the knuckles of it across his lips; sending an electric buzz of sensation straight up her arm.
She opened her mouth to speak; half set on chastising him for it and half thinking of egging on the flirtation, but whatever she'd been contemplating flew out the window with the knock on the door.
"That will be your king." Nathaniel smirked, kissing her hand quickly then releasing it with a squeeze as he stood.
Sure enough, Alistair's blonde head popped inside and he passed an irritated glance from Nathaniel back to Elissa who now sat restraint free on the bed. The Archer was walking toward the door, his gait back to its usual arrogance.
"Your Majesty." Nathaniel said, offering a slight bow followed by a subtle wink that set Alistair's nerves on end.
He watched the look that passed back from Nathaniel to Elissa, and then watched the slow curve of a smile turn up her mouth as The Archer pressed the door shut behind him.
"What was that about?" Alistair asked, careful to keep more than a passing amount of jealousy out of his voice.
"I think we've finally started to make peace with our past." Elissa replied, watching him anxiously – knowing what he was thinking and unsure if she could completely assuage his fears any longer. "It's sad that it took me losing my mind and almost cutting him into ribbons for my own amusement to bring us here, but... here we are."
Alistair sat carefully down on the edge of the bed, picking up one of her wrist restraints and shifting it noisily to the floor.
"Guess it was a bad idea to leave two rogues in a room together and not assume one of them had lock picks." he muttered, a bit frustrated that she'd been so unwilling to allow him to do the same thing on his arrival but had apparently had no issue in allowing Nathaniel to do it.
"I'm fine, Alistair. Really. I feel better than I have in days. Finally talking all this out took so much weight off my mind." she said, reaching over to take his hand and completely missing his intent. "I think we're going to be okay… this little family that I've built. And I… I needed that more than I was willing to admit."
"Then I'm happy it's worked out for you." Alistair said, offering what he hoped was his most convincing smile, though the idea of Howe being any closer to her was the last thing he wanted to think on, particularly with the smug little wink he'd tossed on the way out the door."
"Did Velanna..?" Elissa asked, suddenly remembering what she'd sent him to do.
"She's fine. She's sleeping it off in Morrigan's old room" he snorted, listening to Elissa's answering laugh. "Who knew you were such a magnet for half-nude bitchy apostates?"
"Alistair!" she snipped, swatting his arm lightly before tugging at him. "Can you send the guards away for the night and see to the fire? I'm exhausted."
"Sure, but shouldn't someone be watching you just in case..?" Alistair asked, watching her body tense.
"I assumed that would be you, unless you aren't comfortable…" Elissa replied, realizing that he had every reason not to leave himself vulnerable in a room with her. "I can sleep in the restraints if need be, or you can bring in a cot and sleep with your dagger… I'd just, I'd really like not to be alone if you can stand it."
"Of course I'll stay." He sighed, sinking to the bed beside her. "And none of that stuff is necessary, I just didn't want to assume that you…" He watched her yawn, leaning into his shoulder and looking as though she could go to sleep right there. "Never mind, let me take care of your requests, my lady."
She smiled at him, allowing the soft kiss to her forehead before he stood back up from the bed. By the time he crawled back in between the sheets, she was already out.