Chapter 2: Stupidity

"Mom, I'm home. Now get me some Cheesy Poofs!" Cartman shouted to his mother.

"All right, hon."

"I've got an Invisible God of Death with me, and together, we're going to create a new world in my image."

"That's nice, hon."

Cartman sat on the sofa, watching television and gorging himself on Cheesy Poofs, as Ryuk flew into the living room.

"You're much more relaxed about this than the last guy I was with. Maybe you should plan how you're going to operate?" Ryuk suggested.

"Not now. Terrance and Phillip is on." Cartman yawned, as the two Canadian entertainers did their usual routine.

"Say, Terrance, I had Mexican food for lunch today."

"That sounds delicious, Phillip."

"It was, but now I've got gas!" PHAAART! Phillip farted loudly, as Cartman started to laugh riotously. Ryuk looked on with a puzzled expression on his face.

"This is meant to be funny? I guess I don't get it." PHAAART! Terrance farted in response. Cartman fell off the sofa with tears of laughter in his eyes. The show's style of humour must have grown on Ryuk, as he laughed too this time. "Stop laughing! You're making me laugh!"

The televised duo stopped farting for a moment.

"You know Phillip, I heard that Scott the Dick bought a new car yesterday."

"He did?" Phillip gasped. "Since he's a dick, and I have gas, I'm going to…"

The programme stopped abruptly, as an announcer blared.

"We interrupt this programme for some breaking news!"

"What happens next?" Ryuk asked. "I CAN'T HANDLE THE SUSPENSE!"

"Hippies have gone to the Town Hall in an attempt at persuading the Mayor to legalise Marijuana. Here to bring you this story is a handicapped kid with a speech impediment."

The scene on the television changed to show the Town Hall, where the reporter was conducting interviews.

"I'm Jimmy Vulmer, and I prefer handicapable, very much. Here I am with the M..M..Mayor and an Aging Liberal Hippie D..d..d..douche. Mr Douche, how do you feel about this i.. i.. issue?"

"I feel that people should be allowed to express themselves however they like. We hippies choose to do so by getting stoned."

"Your response, Mayor?"

The Mayor took a minute to clear her throat.

"Hippies ate my baby! They were stoned and thought my baby was a Brownie! I still cry myself to sleep." The Mayor broke down in tears, as Jimmy started to comfort her. Cartman reached for his Death Note.

"The time has come, Ryuk. We're moving into a brave new world!" Cartman wrote the word Hippies in the Death Note and waited forty seconds. Nothing happened.

"What? Why is Aging Liberal Hippie Douche still alive?"

"The Death Note doesn't work like that, kid." Ryuk said. "You have to write the name of an individual."

"Exactly!" Cartman snapped. "Hippies are not an individual! They have a single hive mind!"

Ryuk sighed. "I can't believe how bigoted you are. You make Mikami look sane."

"Who's Mikami?"

"Oh, nobody."

"Since I couldn't kill the hippies, I'll try someone else. You may have survived AIDS Kyle, but let's see how you handle Super AIDS! HAHAHAHAHA!"

00000

"Settle down, now class!" Mr Garrison ordered. "Have any of you seen Kyle?"

"No Mr Garrison. He wasn't at the bus stop this morning." Stan replied. "Come to think of it, I didn't see him yesterday either."

Cartman started to chuckle. "Yes. Yes!"

"Ok then. Kids, could you hand in your essays on who would win if Charizard fought the Blue Eyes White Dragon?" As Mr Garrison went around the class collecting homework, Kyle's mother Sheila entered the classroom, accompanied by her son. Cartman's face fell.

"I'm sorry Kyle was late today, Mr Garrison. He had a dentist's appointment for toothache, and that's also why he was off school yesterday. Bye now, bubbie!"

Kyle went to sit at his desk, and Ryuk whispered in Cartman's ear.

"You have to write their full name, dumbass."

"YOU SHUT YOUR GODDAMN MOUTH! I AM SICK OF YOU HOVERING OVER MY SHOULDER BEING A PAIN IN THE ASS! CAN'T YOU DO SOMETHING CONSTRUCTIVE FOR ONCE INSTEAD OF MAKING ME LOOK LIKE A RETARD?"

The class was speechless for several minutes before Kyle broke the silence.

"Who are you shouting at, Cartman?"

"Eric, perhaps you should visit the school counsellor, and have him prescribe you some medication, because shouting at invisible demons isn't considered normal behaviour." Mr Garrison said, before adding "Then again, it is you Eric, you've done some pretty crazy things, so I really don't know anymore."