The new Chapters is here. I'm sure some of you will notice that it's a little OOC for the both of them, but that is sort of the entire point of this story. Their characters are finally evolving, because of each other. They need each other to evolve, let go and move on. There's quite a bit of that going on in this one.
She's running again.
Feeling like a complete idiot, because she's running after her underwear.
The sun was out again bright and shiny, the sand had already dried and gotten hot again under her bare feet.
Sawyer had taken off to catch some more fish for dinner since there was still no rescue boat in sight. So Kate had decided she'd make herself useful by hanging their wet clothes out to dry.
It had sounded good in theory, and the big pieces like their shirts and jeans were staying put on the makeshift clothesline, despite today's strong wind. But her underwear? Not so much!
So here she was undecided what to run after first. Apparently she was more desperate for a bra then her panties.
"Got ya'!" she said as she finally got a hold of it.
It was covered in sand now, so she walked over to the water, rolled up her pant legs to keep them dry and washed the sand out of the bra again. Cursing herself that she hadn't closed the hooks on it after she had draped it across the line.
As she was wringing out the wet fabric to deplete it again of any excess water, her eyes scanned the beach. Sawyer caught her attention further down the beach, in Jin's old fishing spot.
The sight of him with that fishing net still made her giggle, even though he looked rather cocky out there. Apparently he knew what he was doing. Jin must have taught him somewhere somehow in those 3 years they'd spend together; no way had he learned to do this on his own.
After scanning the beach some more, she finally gave up, realizing that she would never see those panties again.
Less than an hour later their little camp-fire was rebuilt and burning.
Thankfully Sawyer had had enough sense earlier to stack the extra firewood he'd gathered in someone's old tent, to keep it dry. Otherwise they would've had a hell of a time trying to get that fire going again.
So here they found themselves again like they had done a thousand times before. Sitting Indian style in the sand around their little fire, waiting patiently for the fish to be done so they could eat.
Obviously they had been talking, but both of them were cautiously avoiding any serious discussions. They were trying their best to keep the conversation light.
No more mentioning of Jack or Juliet. No more mentioning of her leaving and that she might be pregnant. No more mentioning any of those things. After all, they were trying not to fight!
But now, sitting here, things started to feel awkward again. Because it was one thing to be playful, poking fun at each other when it came to them naturally, but it was different when it was staged and layered on too thick … which had now become the case.
What had started out as trying not to fight and keeping it light had somehow transformed into awkward silence, because both of them had grown tired of pretending that this was a happy day!
Finally, Sawyer couldn't take it anymore, "This is just silly!"
Her head jerked up, her eyes meeting his, "What is?"
He waved his hand in the air while he spoke to emphasize the words, "This! Us! Not talking because we're scared of fucking it up again!"
Relief washed over her face, "So it's not just me, you feel it too then?"
"If by 'It' you mean the horrendous awkward tension in the air, then … hell yeah, I feel it."
Their eyes were still locked on one another as a shy and quick smile appeared on both their faces, they agreed on something.
But then the smile disappeared again as fast as it had appeared. Now they stared at each other across their little camp fire once more … almost challenging one another to do something – anything – first.
"So what do you suggest we do about it?" Kate asked sounding strangely sincere.
"We talk." He stated rather bluntly, like it was a no-brainer.
She rolled her eyes at this before she answered, "Yeah well, every time we talk, one of us gets pissed and storms off, so ..."
"One of us?" He cut her off sarcastically. Then he added with a humorous tone to his voice and a sly smirk on his lips, "I ain't naming names, but it ain't me who's storming off."
She was frowning at that, even though the little twinkle in his eyes told her it was suppose to sound like a joke. Then she stated with a matter of fact tone of voice, "You stormed off when I tried to tell you about the …" Eyeing him now cautiously. "… the cancer."
Now he frowned, scolding "Well Sweetcheeks, I wasn't just gonna sit there and let you tell me how you'd planned on leaving me again, so hell yeah, I fucking left."
She raised her voice at this, "I was trying to confess something. I was trying to explain something to you. Something I hadn't even done. Something I wasn't even sure I would've been able to go through with. But I was trying to tell you the whole truth for once, because I felt guilty. And because …" Her voice trailed off, not sounding quite so angry anymore when she added, "… because I hate it that there's all these things left unsaid between us."
"And you think that I don't hate it?" He fumed, "You think that I don't hate it that we never talk anything through? I mean, fuck." He ran both hands through his hair roughly, pushing it back and out of his face.
His eyes meeting hers again before he continued, "Don't get me wrong here, sugar, I like that I can just look at you and you can look at me and we sorta know what the other one's thinking. It's nice to know that sometime you get me like that, but sometimes you don't … and those times it would be nice to talk shit through. Talk about all the crap we can't get across with a look, and … there's tons of that."
Kate let out a sigh, shook her head in disbelieve, like she just couldn't believe what he'd just said.
But when she didn't say anything, Sawyer spoke up impatiently scolding, "What?"
She looked over at him again, "You've never wanted to talk about your feelings. But now you wanna sit here like some damn hypocrite saying you want to talk about what we felt and what we thought about this and that? About way back when? I just don't buy it James."
After a short pause, he fired back fiercely, "Fine. You're right. I hate it, alright? I hate to wear my fucking heart on my sleeve and tell you every god damn thing that I'm fucking thinking or feeling, but … but I ain't the only one in this relationship that doesn't fucking talk. I wasn't the only one that pretended we were fine as long as we kissed, fucked and smiled at each other all day long." That last sentence had come out sounding harsher then he had it intended to sound.
She locked eyes with him, clearly hurt by what he'd said, but then came back strong with a retort, "We both agreed to start with a clean slate when we got married. We both agreed not to hold things from the past against one another, and now you wanna sit here and throw that back in my face, like that was all my idea alone? And besides, I wasn't pretending anything James. I wasn't pretending to be happy with you. I was happy up until you just left. But you're saying you were just pretending? Is that what you're saying?"
"I wasn't pretending that I was happy. I was happy… but just like I had with Juliet, I was just pushing all the baggage under the fucking bed, so to speak. Pushing it aside – out of sight, out of mind – instead of dealing with it all."
She looked away towards the tree line, thinking about what he'd just said before she hurt she was feeling clearly displayed in her eyes and on her face, "So, what are you saying? With baggage you mean her dying, is that it? You're saying you were just pretending to be over her to …" she paused looking for the right words, "… so you'd have someone to sleep with? I mean, that is basically what you're saying, isn't it? You just acted like you were over her and still in love with me so that you had someone to fuck on the regular?" With those last words she jumped up to her feet and was ready to walk away. She felt nauseous all of a sudden.
That's when he jumped up too, and reached her side fast enough to grab her by the arm … again.
Fire in his eyes, he scolded, both his hands wrapped tightly around her wrists pulling her against him, "Damn it Freckles, that ain't what I just said. I can't believe you'd even think that. You know damn well that what you just said ain't true!"
"Let go off me James." She hissed up at him, with venom in her voice, but tears in her eyes.
"I let go of you if you sit your pretty ass back down and fucking listen to what I'm actually trying to say here." He looked down at her challengingly.
There they were, his face just inches from hers. Breathing heavily, his grip on her wrists so tight, it almost made her wince. A stare contest, … who would buckle first this time?
Then Kate spoke up, not breaking the intense gaze when she hissed, "Fine, I'll sit. Now let go of me."
He hesitated at first, but then he released her wrists and took a cautious step back. Watching her closely as she rubbed the red marks he'd left around her wrists, one after the other.
He felt guilt overcome him! He hadn't meant to squeeze her wrists that hard … hadn't meant to actually hurt her. But what she'd just accused him off had definitely struck a nerve.
She finally locked up at him again, and then settled back down into the warm sand, folding her legs underneath herself once more.
He sat down too, but to buy time he now began to finally take some of the fish from the fire. Placing them carefully on big flat leaves to cool down a bit.
He averted his eyes from hers, staring intensely into the flames in front of him instead. There was a long silence, until he finally said, "You got me all wrong. That ain't what I said, and if that's what you heard then you got me all wrong. Then you misunderstood." He looked up, his eyes apologetic now and for some odd reason his heart was suddenly racing. He couldn't really understand why.
"So what did you mean when you said we were pretending?"
"What I meant was that we were trying to live a normal life."
"And what's wrong with that? What is wrong with living a normal life after all the craziness we've been through?"
"There ain't nothing wrong with it. But we both still have issues, and we both like to pretend they don't exist."
"We're doing the best we can. It's not like we can go to a therapist and pour our hearts out about this place and everyone that died here. Or about anything that we did before the crash either. We were trying our best and I thought we were doing pretty good, considering everything that had happened."
"Running out on me because you're sick, to die some place all by yourself … you call that 'doing pretty good'?
"I was trying to protect you."
Not a trace of sarcasm but honest curiosity in his voice, he asked, "Protect me? Protect me from what exactly?"
Kate paused momentarily and sighed, clearly a bit uneasy about what she was going to say next, "I didn't want you to go through that again. She'd died in your arms and … and I was trying to protect you from going through that again."
He didn't respond to that, just remained silent. So did she.
Both of them stared at each other, suddenly realizing that they'd managed to talk a few sentences without any animosity, without any sarcastic undertones, without yelling or screaming or running away. They were actually talking to each other like adults, and both of them instantly recognized how rare this was for the both of them.
He thought about what she'd said for a moment, and then said something she hadn't expected, "How did it feel when you found out I died in that cabin?"
Her eyes wide open, she couldn't believe he'd dare to ask her that. "What? How can you ask me something like that?"
"How did it make you feel Kate? Just talk to me, just answer it … please."
She couldn't even look at him, as she felt the anger rise in her. How dare he ask her about something so painful? Something so painful that he'd done to her. "It hurt more than anything ... I thought …" She wiped a tear away with her right hand, "I thought I'd died myself. I thought I had really lost you and I thought my life was over."
"Were you pissed … at me?"
This question took her by surprise too, but she answered without even having to think about it. Anger written all over her face and the words just flooded out of her as if she'd been holding them back way too long already, "Yeah, actually I was. I was so angry because I thought you'd died alone in that cabin. I was mad because I thought if I hadn't been a distraction to your writing then you wouldn't have left, and you wouldn't have been at the cabin … and you wouldn't have died. I was furious with you, but also with myself for just letting you go."
Tears were running down her cheeks merciless, and she tried her best to get her composure back. But she was too distraught by rehashing all those feelings, too distraught going through those emotions again that she didn't even see where he was going with this.
She didn't understand why he'd asked her that and make her cry once again, until he nodded his head in agreement and then quietly said, "And that's how I would've felt if you would've left me when you were sick and had died someplace all by yourself to ..." He looked up at her and their eyes met once again before he added, " …to protect me."
Silence again and she wiped at her face trying to get the tears under control, then looked at him and just nodded in agreement. Like she was trying to say 'I get it', but then she spoke up quietly and her voice was breaking, "But you see James, the difference is that I didn't do it to you. I didn't run and leave you behind grieving … but you did. You did that to me. You actually hurt me like that."
"I did what I had to do Freckles!"
"It's starting to sound like a broken record James. And no matter how many times you say it or someone else says it to me, it doesn't really make me feel any better. As a matter of fact it pisses me off more and more, every time I freakin' hear it. It doesn't do anything for the pain you put me through."
"Don't you think I wish I could just tell you everything? Do you really think that I like to be all fucking mysterious about it? It would be so much easier for the both of us if I could just tell you why I have to do this?"
She exhaled sharply, "What am I suppose to do with that? How am I suppose to make any sense of it all if you can't explain it to me?"
He shook his head, "The problem with us is … the problem is trust. We ain't got it, …hell, probably never really had any to begin with."
"That's not true and you know it. I did trust you. And you did trust me too. So don't sit there and start undermining everything we ever had or ever were by saying we didn't trust each other.
"I ain't talking 'sleep in my tent so Claire doesn't kill me'-trust Freckles. I'm talking about you taking my word for something … taking just my word for it, no questions asked. I'm talking about you believing me, even if I can't explain my believe to you. But I'm also talking the kind of trust were one can tell each other anything, the truth – no matter how bad – about anything and have enough trust in each other that they can get through it together. I'm talking about that kind of trust … and you and me Freckles, we ain't got that, never had it.
"That makes no sense at all James. What you just said contradicts itself. Tell each other the truth and hope that trust will pull you through but at the same time you say trust should be enough even if you don't know the whole truth."
He sighed in frustration, "So apparently I fucking suck at explaining what I mean, alright. But I just mean that there's a lot of stuff that … there's things I didn't tell and I know there's stuff you didn't wanna tell me … so we never told each other, and we didn't because we didn't trust enough to …" He paused again at a loss for words.
"Fuck" He yelled and jumped up frustrated, unable to say what he's trying to say, unable to think straight. He started pacing.
Kate remained silent and just watched him. Seeing how frustrated he was with himself for not being able to put into words what he was trying to say. She almost felt sorry for him … and she really wanted to understand what exactly he was trying to tell her, because so far he really didn't make much sense.
He finally stopped pacing again, stood still and looked at her, with a look on his face like he just figured something out.
"Okay." He said more calmly again when he sat back down. "I think I have an example here."
Kate sat up a little straighter, curious to hear what he was about to say.
"When I went into the jungle with Locke, the real Locke, when he gave me the tape that said they'd be coming for our pregnant women, remember that?"
"Yup, I remember." She stated calmly. How could she forget?
He wiped his face with his hand again, rubbing his stretched out hand from his forehead down to his chin and up and down again. Exhaling slowly, clearly uneasy about what he was going to say, "You kept asking me what had happened, and I kept sayin' that nuttin' happened."
Kate nodded her head to suggest she remembered that too and he could go on. She was in awe realizing how hard it was for him to talk about this, even after all this time.
He sighed again, "There ain't no pretty way to say it, so I ain't even gonna try to paint a prettier picture here for ya'. So Locke brought me out to the black rock, conned me in there and locked me in with this … this guy."
Kate got up on her haunches, shaking her head, "Wait! What? He locked you in a room with some guy? Why?"
"Freckles, just let me get this out and over with and then I might let you ask some questions, alright?"
She felt a jolt of strange excitement run through her, realizing that after all this time she would finally find out what had happened to him that night. And seeing the anguish in his eyes, she should've probably felt more compassionate towards him but instead she was secretly thrilled. But for his benefit, she tried her best not to look too exhilarated by it all. Instead she sat there, trying her best to appear calm and collected … but on the inside she was ready to leap into his arms just at the mere prospect of him opening up to her. It wasn't so much the actual information then the fact that he was sharing it with her after all this time.
"So, anyway, on the way there he said that he'd kidnapped Ben and that he wanted me to kill him."
Kate was just about to open her mouth and rattle out the next thing on her mind when Sawyer just held up his hand, suggesting to her that he wasn't finished. So her shoulders slumped back down again, trying to contain her curiosity and holding back her questions … and oohhhh it was not easy for her to hold back.
He stood up again and began to pace some more when he continued, "I told him that I wasn't gonna kill anyone, but he insisted that I'd change my mind when I heard what he had to say. Then as I was locked in there, there was that guy in there with me and he was tied up, but it wasn Linus. So me and him got the talkin'. To make a long story short, the guy turned out to be John Locke's father, but that wasn all he was. Apparently Locke's daddy was also a conman that used to go by the name Sawyer."
And with that last sentence Kate's jaw just dropped. And within an instant she was able to put two and two together. She knew right that moment what had happened. She knew that he'd finally found and killed the man that had ruined his life all those years ago.
Sawyer's face flooded with relief when he realized that she understood. He saw it in her facial expression and how her eyes were beginning to glaze over with tears for the hundred times today. He knew just by looking in her eyes that she finally knew what had happened on that fateful early morning.
She completely understood what he'd done, but the look in her eyes wasn't the look of a woman that was disgusted or angry. Instead all he saw in those green eyes staring back at him was empathy, compassion and how much she truly cared about him. How much she truly loved him in spite of what he'd done. And that look in her eyes gave him a boost of confidence he'd desperately needed to continue with the story at this point.
Determined to tell it all now, he faced her head on and took a step around their little fire towards her. But before he could even say anything else, before he could even begin to explain what had happened next, she was already up on her feet. She jumped into his arms with so much force it nearly knocked him to the ground … and then she just held on tight, hugging him fiercely. Comforting him even though she was the one crying out loud.
Sawyer stood there now, letting his arms hanging limp, as if he had no control over them … just hanging there. He fought back the emotions welling up inside of him that came with the stark realization that he'd never told this to anyone before. Not even Claire, who he'd confided in more than he'd ever like to admit. The overwhelming emotions, combined with Kate's comforting and tight embrace, started something within him.
And the moment when he finally wrapped his arms around her and held on tight, was ironically the moment he was able to let go off all the guilt that he'd held onto since that day.
Sawyer was breathing heavily, struggling to not break down crying, but Kate was weeping openly into his chest. Then without much of a warning she reached up, framing his face and pulling him down, kissing him as tears were still running down her cheeks.
It started out as just her lips softly pressing onto his and staying there for a long moment. Sweet and innocent but with so much meaning behind it. Then as she pulled back, both opened their eyes and when they met, he couldn't hold back anymore, framed her face now too and pulled her right back into another kiss. This time their lips touched again for just a brief moment, then both their lips parted in unison and the kiss turned from something innocent to passionate and longing.
They broke apart again. Forehead to forehead until Kate backed away enough to look up at him, "Why didn't you tell me?" She sniffled again after the words had left her lips.
He shook his head, eyes downcast avoiding her stare, "I thought killin' him would do something to me. I thought it'd fix something … it would fix me." He looked up and their eyes met again, "It didn't though. It made everything worse. Made me feel worse and I regretted it. He was tied up, couldn't even defend himself … but I was so angry, I didn't care about anything when I strangled him. In that moment I just wanted him dead."
She let out a loud sob and looked away for a few seconds, then back up at him. Her chin quivered when she said, "Wayne was soooo drunk, he couldn't even walk straight. I actually had to help him … I actually brought him to his bedroom, helped him to lie down, and even took off his boots before … before I blew him to hell James. He couldn't defend himself either, and I didn't care either."
Everything that had happened after her words had echoed off was just a blur. Kisses and hands, tugging and pulling and somehow they'd ended up on the ground. But neither of them could really recall how that had happened. Lying in each other's arms, exchanging kiss after kiss after kiss… soft quick pecks alternating with intense and demanding drawn out kisses, only interrupted by the occasional sniffle.
There it was again, that look between two lovers that didn't need an explanation as to what it meant. Buttons on his shirt were unbuttoned in record speed. Her greedy trembling hands working button after button to then rip the shirt off of him in an almost violent manner. Her pink shirt was ripped equally fast off over her head and carelessly tossed aside.
Eyes on each other with intense gazes, mingled with kisses and more hands roaming. Pants were undone almost simultaneously and impatiently kicked off as both their bodies rolled around on the sandy ground beneath them.
It was late in the day, but it wasn't dark yet. No darkness to hide within, with just the stars and moon to offer some light. No, it wasn't like that at all.
Instead when Kate opened her eyes, lying there on her back with Sawyer hovering above her while he was kissing a trail up from her breasts to her neck, all she saw was a beautiful blue sky. Sunshine.
She closed her eyes again in the same moment that she opened her legs to let him fully in. The feel of him sinking into her. So exhilarating, yet also so familiar and comforting, like this is how they're suppose to be all the time. Like they should be physically linked together all the time, because this was their outlet. This is how both of them dealt with all the feelings they couldn't put into words. But there wasn't anything wrong with it, she thought. How can be anything wrong with something that felt so right to the both of them?
The sound of waves crashing onto the beach just a few feet away. Trees and leaves rustling in the strong wind. Their campfire crackling beside them. All mixed with the sound of their heavy breathing, moans and groans.
All the different smells lingering in the air. The fish they'd cooked. The smell of the ocean and sand. The smell of burning wood.
And him. The smell of his skin, and how she just loved it as she nuzzled her nose into his neck. Enjoying his stubbly neck, … she actually preferred him unshaven. It's just that in those three years she'd spend without him, the memory of him that was etched into her brain was always him with stubble. That's how she remembered him, and that's how she liked him best. And the feel of it when she kissed the crock of his neck, mixed with the taste of his skin, so salty on her tongue. She can't get enough of it, it's like she's addicted to it, addicted to him.
The feel of the sand all around them. The feel of each other. Skin on skin, hands, mouths, tongues … and him inside her, then slowly withdrawing to enter her again. Sensory overload. Kate had never felt anything so intense as right there, trembling underneath him, reaching climax.
Feeling her tightening in spasms around him, he grabbed her jaw with his left hand, forcing her to hold still long enough for his lips to crash down on hers. In between the kisses, she moaned uncontrollably, completely unabashed she let go of it all without any hesitation. And he just loved watching her like this. A jolt of energy running through him as he watched her loose all control. It gave him an unbelievable high, knowing that he could do this to her.
It didn't take much longer for him after that. Every muscle in his body seemingly went rigid. And when she felt the more jerky way his hips started to move, she knew he was there and that it was out of his control now. After all the times they'd been together, she knew the telltale signs of her husband reaching climax.
So now she forced him into a kiss. Both her hands lost in his long hair, pulling him towards her when she poured her heart and soul into that kiss. With the sole intention of driving him crazy with pleasure.
Then she opened her eyes and looked up at him. But his eyes were shut tightly … and his face, she knew that angry scowl would disappear the moment his hip trusted into her for the last time. Then he'd open his eyes, all the angry looking creases and lines would vanish and would be replaced by a lazy happy smile with his dimples digging deep into his cheeks.
And that is exactly what happened. Looking down at her, the lazy happy smile she'd anticipated, kissing her lips over and over and over again, quick and sloppy kisses … and then he kissed her nose, just to mess with her. Making her giggle out loud and crinkle her nose in that adorable way he just loved. His eyes speaking volumes with just a look again, self-assured saying 'it can't get better then this.'
He draped his black shirt over her shoulders when he got up and pulled his pants back on. She slit her arms into the shirt and buttoned it up. All they exchanged where smiles and a shy 'Thanks' from her lips after he'd handed her a leaf with a fish on it. Then they ate in silence, glancing at each other every now and then, exchanging more smiles.
After they were done eating, Kate stood up and pulled on her pants again. Then collected their clothes off of the clothesline, while Sawyer just watched her motionless from his spot by the campfire.
She waved his hand in a 'come on' kind of gesture and actually said the words, "Come on", then waited for him to get up before she turned and headed back towards their tent.
Wordless he followed her inside their shelter.
"Here you go, they're all dry." She said when she handed him his pants and his shirt back.
Both of them changed back into their own clothes without talking.
Sawyer noticed that she wasn't putting on any panties and just had to ask, "Going commando again?"
She smiled up at him, as she pulled up the zipper on her jeans, "My panties flew away."
A chuckle escaped his throat, "Easier access for me then."
She just smiled at that remark, seemingly not bothered that he was implying that they'd have sex again. Which didn't go unnoticed by him.
Then she just sat down on the ground, making herself comfortable in the shade of the tarp, he followed suit and did the same thing. Sitting across from her, pulling her feet into his lap and began to massage them.
Kate broke the silence when she finally said, "I wish you would've told me four years ago about what happened, but I'm really glad you did now."
It was a strange feeling that he couldn't really make much sense of. All he knew was that whatever had stopped him from telling her all those years ago was just gone now. The dam that had held it all back like a river, was now broken down, wide open and letting it all rush out … and nothing could stop it anymore. The doubt about how she'd feel about him was just gone.
So he answered her truthfully, because that was all he could do, "Thought you'd be disgusted with me … hell, I was disgusted with me. I had just killed a man. Then with the whole pregnancy scare and the others coming to get the pregnant women, it had just become too much to handle. I wasn't ready to be a dad. And I wasn't ready to talk about any of it with anyone either."
"Oh I know, I do remember that vividly." A somewhat hurt tone to her voice that didn't go unnoticed by him, but he kept his mouth shut this time. He just continued to rub her feet again silently.
Then Kate spoke up again, "While we're being all honest with each other I think there's something I've been meaning to tell you."
He lifted his gaze to meet her eyes, letting her know that he was listening.
Kate was just surprised how calm he was, just sitting there. He obviously had no clue what she was about to tell him. And for a brief moment she envied him for his state of oblivious. She wished that Juliet had never come to her tent that one morning and told her that she thought that it had been a miscarriage after all. She wished she just didn't know, like him.
And then it struck her for a moment … should she even tell him and burden him with something that happened so long ago? But then she hung her head in defeat, because she couldn't deny that urge to finally get this off her chest. After all this time, she just wanted to get it out and over with, … she just had to tell him to be able to let it all go. Once and for all.
Her lips were pulled into a straight line and she swallowed hard before she just blurted it out, trying her best to attach no emotions to the words as they left her lips for the first time, "I think I had a miscarriage."
Taken completely by surprise he didn't wait for her to elaborate. Instead he stopped rubbing her feet, just held them in a tight grip. Sat up straighter, and his face fell with sorrow, genuine concern and confusion, "What? When? I mean Sweetheart, we just had sex and … are you alright?" His mind was trying to think what had happened. Thinking she must've lost the baby in that week when they weren't speaking. Was that why she'd avoided him at all cost? But wouldn't it've been too soon to have sex after that. All these thoughts running through his mind, and he couldn't even begin to make sense of any of it.
Kate spoke up again, realizing he didn't understand after what he'd just said. But then again, how could he understand. She'd left him in the dark about it all for all this time. Guiltily she said, "No, I don't mean now. I'm talking about back then. Four years ago James. I thought …"
He was dumbfounded, interrupting her, "Wait? What the hell are you talking about? You said you weren't pregnant. You said you were sure that you weren't pregnant." He felt a sudden sting of betrayal that she'd kept this from him. Immediately a string of different scenarios running through his mind again, wondering when she'd found out and when and where it had happened.
"At first I thought I was just having my … you know, my regular cycle. But …" She sighed, her eyes downcast, she couldn't look at him. Nervously fiddling with the hem of her tank top, "But then it turned out that it wasn't just that." Then she shook her head, the emotions to real again and overwhelming her, her eyes darted up at him for a brief moment, "You know what, it was probably nothing. I mean I can't be really sure, it wasn't like I had someone examining me or anything. So it could be that it was nothing." Seeing how he'd reacted, she tried to dismiss it. After all, what did Juliet really know without examining her? It was all just a hoax … it was nothing, she suddenly was trying to convince herself of that notion.
His words brought her quickly back to reality, "But you think it was something, right? I mean if you really thought that it was nothing, then you wouldn't be telling me about it now?"
Kate's eyes met his, she nodded rather reluctantly, and sighed, "Yeah."
He tried his best to keep calm, "Why didn't you tell me?"
"I tried to tell you?"
"When?"
"When I spend the night with you in Dharmaville. I tried to tell you that morning, but then you were so happy after I'd said that I was sure that I wasn't pregnant, …" her voice trailed off. "How was I suppose to go on then and tell you that I'd lost our baby after you just cheerfully announced that us having a kid would be the worst thing in the world."
Sawyer ran his hands through his hair again, sighing deeply, "So when?
"I just told you."
"No, I mean when did you think you had a miscarriage? Where was I?"
She averted his eyes from him again, staring intently at her own hands lying in her lap, "It happened the night you went with Locke. That's why I left your tent so early that night."
He locked down at her feet lying still in his lap, then he shook his head to himself and exhaled a breath he had been holding. His voice was so quiet and sounded so hurt when he just said, "Karma is quite the bitch, ain't it? I'm off killing a man and that same night our baby dies."
Kate's eyes filled with tears when she heard his words filled with regret. Could it really be that he was blaming himself?
She pulled her feet back so that she could move closer to him. He stared intensely onto the ground, lost in his thoughts when she said, "It had nothing to do with Karma James. It had nothing to do with what you did. It was my fault." And when that last sentence had left her lips, she broke down again into sobs, "It was all my fault."
Seeing her tears, he reached out for her. A comforting hand running up her neck and disappearing in her curly tresses, pulling her towards him. Her arms snaked around his neck embracing him, when she crawled into his lap. Straddling him while tears fell again.
"Wasn't your fault Freckles."
She rested her forehead against his shoulder, still sobbing, "They gassed me. The others when I went back for Jack. They gassed me …" A loud uncontrollable cry escaped her lips again. Sawyer rubbed her back comfortingly up and down, shushing her, saying "Ssssshhhhhhhhhh" again and again to get her to calm down again.
Finally between sobs she finished her sentence, blurting it out, like she just needed to get it out of her mouth to get it out of her mind, "Juliet said the gas caused the miscarriage."
He stopped rubbing her back and just held her tightly against him as he was trying to process it all.
Kate felt fear creep up inside of her. Her heart began to race again. She suddenly was scared now, unsure of what would happen now that the truth was out. Because in the back of her mind, she had always expected him to be mad. To fly off the handle like he usually would. She even had anticipated him to blame her and inevitability Jack for it all, but he didn't do any of those things. Instead he just held her tightly, his own face hiding in their tight embrace now.
There was silence. Stillness, as if neither was able to move.
Several moments passed until she heard him clear his throat, and then he just said, "I'm sorry." His voice sounding small and quiet, it was almost a whisper.
After hearing those words, Kate withdrew to look at him, still sniffling, her face red and blotchy and wet from the tears. He lifted his head too, mouthing the words again with almost no voice behind it, "I'm sorry." And when their eyes met this time, she said, "I'm sorry too."
They held that gaze on one another, as he framed her face gently, running both his thumbs across her face. From the side of her nose, under her eyes and over to her cheekbone … wiping the tears away.
Then the corner of his lips just slightly curved upward when he said, "You should be all out real soon."
He knew that the way he'd worded that sentence would cause her to ask back. And she did, "Be out of what soon?"
"Tears." He stated. "Been pretty much crying all day, oughta run out of 'em here shortly."
She couldn't help the smile that sneaked on her lips, and his grew wider, happy that he'd succeeded in changing the direction of this conversation again. Happy that he'd succeeded in making her smile again.
It still wasn't dark out yet, but they still decided to lie down together. Both of them lying there in complete silence with just the sound of their breathing in the air. The wind rustling the tarp every now and then, and the sound of waves in the background. They weren't asleep, they were just content for the moment, with no words … just here and now in each other's arms, staring up at the blue tarp above them while being lost in their own thoughts.
Sawyer for one was reevaluating everything that had just happened. He couldn't believe he'd actually told her about the real Sawyer and that he'd killed him. He also couldn't even begin to fathom the way she'd reacted to his confession. How she'd just wordlessly understood and revealed herself to him about the way that Wayne had died.
Would she have reacted this way four years ago, if he'd have mustered the courage back then to tell it all? The whole point he had been trying to make with the confession was somehow lost in the aftermath of it all. What he had chosen – one of his biggest and darkest secrets – for his prime example of how they didn't trust each other enough to open up, had somehow taken on a life of its own because of her reaction … and the one thing he didn't think they really possessed had transpired from it all in the end. Trust!
To say he was pleasantly surprised by it all was the understatement of the year. He was thrilled to know that they'd apparently grown enough to finally open up like this.
But he was still struggling with his own sanity, as to why on earth he'd chosen that exact event to prove a point. Was it something in his subconscious that had taken over his thinking, when he, almost like on autopilot, decided to serve his darkest secret practically on a silver plate to her. Well, whatever it was that had made him do it, in the end it was all for the better. He felt like he could finally let that night in the jungle go. He could finally really let go of the real Sawyer. He could finally move on!
Then his mind wandered on to the next big revelation that had taken place here today. They would've had a baby. He didn't quite know what to make of it all. She apparently hadn't taken a test, or she would've said so. But she was sure that she'd lost it. And somehow she'd actually talked to Juliet about it all.
He couldn't really relate to what and how she must've felt then. But he knew from her reaction that she'd clearly wanted the baby. He remembered their fight vividly … and how she left his bedroom that morning, after their fight.
Then he remembered her sitting there with Aaron in her lap, watching Cartoons in a language neither of them even spoke. That was the first time he'd wondered if she'd wanted a baby with him back then. And now it had been confirmed. Not only had she wanted one, but she'd had it and lost it … and he'd left her behind by herself to deal with the aftermath of everything on her own.
With that notion, he squeezed her tightly and placed a gently kiss on her forehead, noticing that she was staring out the window, lost in her own thoughts. At least she wasn't crying anymore, he thought.
Kate shifted to her side, resting her head in the crock of his arm, her eyes staring out the little airplane window that served as the side of his tent. But from her position next to him on the ground, she could only see the still blue sky above.
What the hell had just happened between them, she wondered. She felt like … she couldn't even find the right words to describe it. Relieved? Maybe that was it. Relieved to have told him the truth after all this time. Relieved that he hadn't reacted the ways she always thought that he would. Relieved in so many ways.
Happy! Yeah, she was happy too. Strangely so, because when she was looking into her future, she knew she didn't have a whole lot to be happy about. She knew she had to leave soon, leave this place and leave him behind. And she didn't want to.
Right in that moment she felt Sawyer squeeze her just a little tighter and then he kissed her forehead. After the kiss Kate remained still for a few more moment, but suddenly she bolted up to a sitting position. Turning to look at him.
"What if I stay?"
Now Sawyer got up, leaning on his elbows, "What?"
"What if I don't leave, James? What if I stay … here with you?" There was so much hope in her eyes and voice; it broke his heart all over again.
His voice filled with determination, "No Freckles, you can't stay. You don't belong here Sweetheart. This place is … it's just nuts, you don't wanna stay here."
"I don't want to James, but I will. I will if that means we can be together. I'll stay for you."
He was afraid of that. He was afraid she'd say something like that … offering herself, offering to suffer on this damn rock with him. This is not what he wanted for her. This is not where she should be. He sighed, "Look, there's a lot of stuff to consider."
She wasn't a fool, she knew that too, but asked anyways, "Like what?"
"For one, you might be pregnant." He paused, waiting for her reaction, hoping secretly that this would put an end to this conversation.
Without a second to spare, Kate scampered up onto her feet, walked to the front of the tent to grab her backpack. Sawyer watched her curiously as she rifled through it.
What is she doing?
With no warning at all, she tossed a long rectangular box towards him, and he caught it in flight.
Looking down at the white box in hand, he read out loud, "Dharma Initiative Toothpaste." Looking back up at Kate he said, "Is this your not so subtle way to tell me that my breath stinks, honey?"
"It's not really toothpaste." She said, and he noticed how she'd just trembled a little while she spoke.
He noticed how the flap of the cardboard box was already open on one end. So he just held the box sideways, shaking it to let its contents spill into his right hand.
Two things tumbled out of the white cardboard. A folded piece of paper with something written on it in print. And something long that was sealed in a piece of silver foil, but nothing was written on the foil that would actually give away its content.
He stared up at her, not understanding. "Well, what the hell is it?"
She intertwined her own fingers, her shoulders slumped a little, and she bit her lip. Even a complete stranger would've picked up on the fact that she was clearly nervous when she said, "It's a pregnancy test."
End Note: I hope you liked it. Thanks for reading. And please leave a review if you have a moment to spare. Thanks!