Disclaimer: Bioware owns all, except what I most humbly create. While, at times, I will take verbatim from the game, I mostly use the events of the Dragon Age games, expansions and universe as a loose structure around which to construct my re-imagined tale. If you are looking for a strict canon piece, I have no desire to offend, and so I warn you upfront!

When reading this tale, I hope you can easily imagine it being told by the very best of storytellers in Varric (from DA:2). In my version of events, Varric meets "The Hero" (my Elissa Cousland) in Kirkwall during the time period of DA:2. I mention this only so that readers can understand his connection along the way, and so I don't have to mention and rehash it again and again as I make my way through the tale.

A/N: Hope everyone had a good holiday! Short chapter for my return, but the follow up should be much faster in coming along now that seasonal traveling is done!

Muse Music: Falling Down by The Birthday Massacre

Thanks to my readers, followers and reviewers! And to my double-betas this time artemiskat and Snarkoleptic. Couldn't and wouldn't do it without you all. :)

Happy Reading!

-Frayed One

Chapter Twenty-Two: Fear Itself

Over the following handful of days, the Wardens watched as Elissa seemed to settle herself back into the usual mix of inappropriate humor and quick flares of temperament they'd come to expect. The mix was slightly more volatile now, but with the altered effects of Avernus' tonic working to rein in the more violent aspects of her evolution – it soon became evident that, at least for now, the beast was sleeping. Still, she was never allowed to wander the Peak alone.

Every time Anders had seen her Zevran, Swiftrunner, or Alistair had been by her side. The trio seemed to trust only themselves to manage her outburst should she slip again, and though the others were allowed to interact with her as they desired, they were never allowed to do so without being carefully watched by one of her self appointed guardians. It was for this reason that Anders was completely surprised when Elissa came in search of him on her own.

"Got a moment?" Elissa asked, jarring him from his quiet inspection of one of the many ancient tomes he'd discovered in the Peak's extensive library.

"Where are your chaperones?" Anders looked around, half expecting one of them to materialize out of the shadows. The rogues seemed particularly fond of making him jump when they did it.

"They're not here." The reply was just cryptic enough to make him worry.

"You haven't gone mental again have you?" He started to get up from the chair, wondering if he could get off any sort of paralysis spell and make it out the door to find help if necessary.

"You're safe, Anders. I don't even have a weapon." She smiled and settled in to the chair beside him, hands open and visible until he relaxed. "I just wanted to speak with you privately for a moment."

"Finally giving in to your unquenchable thirst for Anders, eh?" He waggled his eyebrows at her suggestively as he settled back in his chair, the book he'd been so engrossed in all but forgotten in his lap now that his mind was pondering what could possibly have pushed her to lose her companions and come in search of him specifically.

"No, but I'm thrilled to hear you joke about it again." Elissa laughed, seeming to relax herself as the irreverent nature of their usual banter returned. "I was afraid that I had managed to choke that ability right out of you."

"Elissa… you've got to let that go. Honestly. I have." Anders reached over for her hand, squeezing her fingers slightly though she tensed against the contact.

"I can't just let it go, Anders. I can still feel your throat beneath my fingertips…" Her eyes flickered away from him then, lost somewhere in the tortured corners of her mind until he tugged at her fingers and pulled her back to him.

"Find a way." He smiled, but his words were as unyielding as he could manage. He wanted to save this… whatever it was they had… and instinctively knew that the only way to do that was to get them both to move beyond this obstacle.

She looked at him, reading the sincerity in his eyes and ultimately accepting it even if she could not bring herself to agree with it in words.

"Alright, if you didn't come here to make out and you aren't evil, then why slip the guards?" Anders asked, feeling the need to prompt her back to her original thoughts, as she seemed unlikely to get there herself.

"I needed to discuss some things with you about our next destination and I thought you might be more comfortable doing so without an audience." Elissa admitted, her face shifting back into the comfortable guise of Warden Commander.

"That sounds more than a little ominous…" He tried not to let his nerves show when her face revealed nothing to him of the thoughts churning behind it.

"It isn't meant to be." She shrugged her shoulders, folding her hands into her lap as she leaned in toward him. "I need to make a trip to Kinloch Hold." She watched his body go rigid with the simple mention of that name, but pressed forward anyway. "We haven't spoken in detail about your time there, and I don't expect you to now. I've seen enough with my own eyes and heard enough from others who have been… held… within to know you have every reason to fear returning there. That's why I am offering you the choice to stay in the tavern rather than go into the tower itself, and if you are uncomfortable with that you can stay here in the Peak until we return. Velanna will be a passable healer should we need one, though I suspect we will encounter few problems on the way there. Darkspawn activity seems to be confined to Amaranthine at the moment."

Anders swallowed several times, trying to process through everything she'd just said to him. She was right to assume that he had no desire to return even to the shores of the prison that had held him for so long. Even the thought of it made a knot form in the pit of his stomach that pushed him to run again, as far and as fast as he could manage. But the longer he sat there watching her, letting it register that she was content to simply sit and allow him to find his voice again, he realized she was offering him something he'd never had before. The choice to go back on his own terms, or not to go at all. She would not force him, he knew that, and she would think no less of him should he decide not to go. Which meant it all boiled down to fear, his fear.

His mind went back to Elissa's words in the common area just after The Archer had been put through his Joining. She'd intended them mostly for Nathaniel, but they spoke to him then and resounded even louder now that he was facing his own pivotal moment. You'll either conquer your demons in the end and be stronger for having done it, or you'll lose and they'll destroy you in the process.

Fear. Fear was his demon, and she was offering him not only the chance to conquer it, but her own hand to aid in the process. His decision was made.

"Velanna is hardly a passable healer." He snorted, falling back into the defense mechanism of his humor for the extra comfort it could provide. "Besides, she's still fairly pissed about the whole flying falcon punch episode. She might just let you bleed to death out of spite and – as your proper healer – I can't in good conscience allow that."

She held his eyes for a moment longer, clearly searching to make sure that he hadn't forced himself to do something he needn't have on her account. When she was satisfied with what she saw, he watched the slow bloom of a smile light her face and relaxed into one of his own in response to it.

"Good… that's…" She reached over to squeeze his hand for a moment, lingering long enough to run a thumb across his knuckles before ultimately giving him a pat and finding her feet again. "I'd like to leave as early as possible tomorrow. It's a four-day journey to lake's edge and that's if everything goes according to plan."

"I think I can manage that." He nodded, watching her turn to exit the library before pausing in the doorway. She touched a finger to her lip, a gesture that always meant she was thinking, and finally turned back in a full stride in his direction.

"I shouldn't have to say this… You should simply trust it to be so, but in light of everything that's happened between us with my…" Her words trailed off and he watched her swallow, running her fingers through her hair and pacing to gather her thoughts before turning back to him at last. "Know this. If they touch you I will raze that whole bloody Chantry-built phallus to the ground. I swear it. I will end every last one of them before I let them take you from me."

Her eyes glittered dangerously with a deep-seated anger that had rooted itself into her far before they'd ever even met one another. And yet, he couldn't help but notice that she'd chosen to phrase it as him being taken from her rather than from the Wardens as a whole or even their little party in the more general sense of things.

"I'm left hoping that won't be necessary because I know with absolute certainty you're capable of it." Anders replied, watching her cautiously and not fully knowing how to respond to such a blatant admission of her feelings toward him. "I'd also hate to see you thrown into Fort Drakon over one silly mage."

"You aren't just one silly mage, Anders. Not to me." Elissa answered, chewing nervously at her bottom lip with the even more direct admission she'd now offered him. "I just thought you should know."

She stood a few moments longer, toying with the curls of her hair and looking distinctly harried before offering him a curt nod and vanishing back to wherever she'd come from.

"I'm not certain, but I think my Commander just offered to slaughter an entire battalion of Templars on my behalf…" Anders muttered to no one in particular.

He sighed, mind running rampant as he pondered the various connotations of her words. She'd called the Wardens her family many times, and certainly seemed protective of them all – even Velanna, who she didn't particularly care for. Perhaps that was all this was, just an extension of her protective nature when it came to her companions. He'd be content to take it at that. No one had considered him family or worth protecting since his… abilities… manifested years ago. But the part of him that had been present and whispering away in the back of his mind the entire time she'd been speaking knew there was more to this.

No one had ever offered to kill so much as a fly on his behalf, and this woman had come right out and admitted she'd end whomever it took to make him feel safe again. She'd already killed three Templars for him, and even though he knew for a fact she'd had no kind inclinations toward Rylock, he doubted she would have killed the woman had her connection to him not forced her to do so. He was simultaneously overjoyed and terrified at the prospect that someone might care for him in any capacity, particularly someone for whom he had already developed rather puzzling feelings of his own.

Grabbing up the volume he'd been thumbing through, he headed back to his room to begin the process of packing his belongings for an early morning departure.

When they reached the North Road, Alistair and Swiftrunner took their leave and continued east toward Denerim. The King had been reluctant to part from Elissa's side, but she'd insisted that he go back to his duties as she had more than enough on her plate now that her own personal problems had tacked themselves onto her already overflowing list of responsibilities.

Elissa was oddly silent as she scouted far ahead of the pack, darting in and out of the tree-lined shadows at the edge of the road. She hadn't spoken much since Alistair's departure, and the group seemed content to allow it.

Zevran had taken rear guard, setting it up as a polite offer though it was obvious to the entire group that it gave him the best vantage point from which to keep an eye on Elissa. She'd been calm, but it would take some time before any of them would fully relax in her presence, The Assassin included.

Anders trailed along behind Sigrun and Oghren, chuckling at the dwarves' usual profanity littered exchange and smiling to see that Oghren had finally pulled himself out of his self induced coma now that Elissa was up and about.

As they settled in to camp for the night, Anders noted that Nathaniel settled not at Sigrun's side as had become his usual routine, but rather with Velanna at the very edge of the fire light's reaches.

Elissa was off running her loop of the camp boundaries with Zevran, and Anders found himself thankful for that as the easy exchange between The Archer and The Woods-Witch would have likely rubbed her wrong whether she would admit that or not.

"So, shem. Let me see if I am following all of this correctly." Velanna began, poking at her bowl of stew with a slight grimace. Oghren was not known for his cooking skill and he'd drawn the short straw that evening. "You not only gave up on killing the Grey Warden who murdered your father, you actually chose to become subservient to her?"

"Are you trying to pick a fight, Velanna?" Nathaniel muttered, sitting his own bowl down with a sigh and rubbing at his temples. They'd managed to avoid the topic of Elissa throughout their discussions over the course of the past several days, but walking along in her shadow seemed to be more than the Dalish woman could manage and still keep her mouth shut. "You must know how juvenile it is to bait me like this."

"I wasn't trying to bait you, I just can't fathom how you do it." The woman snorted audibly, putting her bowl down untouched and folding her arms across her chest defensively. "She commands you like you're no better than livestock. How can you not be seething with rage?"

"My relationship with Elissa is… complicated." He took in a long slow breath, trying to find the words to explain something he probably shouldn't even be broaching in present company. "We were friends for many years before…"

"And lovers." Velanna added, her narrowed eyes daring him to deny it.

"Never in the literal sense, no. Though I suppose that matters little in the long run." Nathaniel admitted, watching her accept it as the truth. "We are not together in that way, nor have we been in a very long time."

"But you desire it." The woman was crafty, angling him for the answer she desired regardless of his reluctance to give it.

"Yes." His response was simple. There was no reason to lie. His feelings were quite obvious to anyone who spent time in his company, and the pretty young elf had become a fixture at his side within the past several days.

"Is that why you follow her so willingly even after she has tried, on multiple occasions if rumor is to be believed, to be rid of you?" The question was meant to provoke a reaction, and he saw the slight curve of her lips when she watched her barb hit home.

Nathaniel knew that Velanna was interested. Regardless of her need to refer to him by the insulting terms typical of her race, she sought his company out with enough regularity that it had long since become impossible to maintain any reasonable guise otherwise. What she was fishing for now was some sort of acknowledgement that he might return the sentiment, which left him swimming in shark-infested waters.

"When I came back, I will admit it was entirely because of her." Nathaniel watched as Velanna tried unsuccessfully to mask her disappointment behind her usual disdain. "Now… I guess the simplest explanation is I follow her because she is my Commander and because she has offered me a chance, multiple chances now that I think on it, for redemption, regardless of the horrible things my father did. Regardless of the horrible things I have done. Beyond that, I like to believe that we are friends again, and thus following her is by choice and not in response to her directives."

The elf inspected him closely for a moment, her eyes never leaving his as he followed through the motion of his shift into a more comfortable sitting position now that the idea of dinner had been abandoned.

"If you are honestly as forgiving as you'd have me believe, then perhaps I have misjudged you… a little." The last words were tacked on as an afterthought, drawing low laughter from Nathaniel as he considered the sentiment.

"Just a little?" He did little to conceal his smile as he glanced up at her from his spot the ground, one arm draped casually across his knee while he enjoyed the last of his ale.

"Fine… more than a little." Velanna admitted, the roll of her eyes painting exasperation that her subtle smile did not support. "The Dalish paint all sh… humans with the same brush, and though for the most part it is deserved – I will admit that in this case, it was not."

"As long as I'm painted with such a pretty brush, I suppose I will allow it." Nathaniel chuckled, seeing her confusion in the furrow of her brows long before she admitted it.

"I'm sure I don't know what that means." There was another snort as she reached up to brush the tip of her nose, shifting back into her usual arrogance.

"It means your apology is appreciated, my lady." Nathaniel explained, dipping in to catch her eyes and hold them. "Though it was unnecessary."

"Well… Good then." Velanna snipped, continuing to inspect him cautiously, though the light coloring of a blush had crept into her olive skin as soon as he'd called her a lady again.

Nathaniel smiled at her, noting the slow pass of Elissa's eyes over to their conversation as she emerged from the tree line in the distance. Her face betrayed nothing of what she might be thinking, but the quick flare of anger he sensed through the conduit before she managed to control and shut it down told him everything he needed to know.

Anders staggered to a stop as they crested the hill that gave him his first view of Kinloch Hold since his escape many months before. Elissa had watched his countenance change as they'd progressed through their travels, knowing this journey was far more than physical for the man who now stood looking out across Lake Calenhad with haunted eyes. She had seen that look before. She'd had it herself. It was the look of someone not quite sure they were up to the battle laid out before them. It was the look of someone losing faith in himself as the world went dark.

Anders barely noticed as she passed the coin purse over to Zevran and sent him along with the others off to book their lodging for the night at the lakeside tavern. He didn't register when she silenced any commentary from Nathaniel with a pointed glare, causing The Archer to shut his mouth with a snap as he fell in line behind the rest of their companions.

"Walk with me?" Elissa asked, ignoring the slight flinch he was unable to suppress as she laid her hand against his back in silent support of his struggle.

Her words were soft and posed as a request rather than a command, and so he allowed himself to be corralled down closer to the water's edge with the comfort of her presence at his side to push him forward. She settled into the soft grassy cover of a small hill, plucking a long reed up into her fingers and staring out across the water. He was blissfully aware that she would wait as long as he needed her to leaving him free to process his thoughts before attempting to speak again.

"I've never sat here and just looked at the place without being afraid." Anders admitted, finally taking a seat beside her.

"I can't imagine that you're doing that now, Anders." Elissa replied, the light trill of her laughter bringing a smile to his face regardless how heavy he was feeling. "It's okay to be afraid. You have every right to be after what you went through there. I won't think less of you for that, and Maker help anyone else who even looks at you like they're contemplating it."

They sat in silence for a while, shoulder to shoulder, watching as the sun set behind the hulking behemoth of the Circle Tower.

"I need to come clean with you." She was already fretting with her hair when he turned to look over at her, leaving no doubt that he was unlikely to appreciate whatever was coming.

"You aren't taking me back…" He began, trying not to allow the audible tremble in his voice to increase in volume and silencing when her head snapped in his direction.

"No… No! I… Absolutely not!" She looked injured that he'd even think such a thing, and caught off guard by the question enough that she was now scrambling for words of reassurance. "I simply meant that… I was not entirely forthcoming with my reasons for coming here. I do intend to seek further clarification on the… treatment... options for what is happening to me on Avernus' behalf. But there are other things that brought me back to Kinloch Hold."

"I know that you developed a friendship with the First Enchanter and the Knight-Commander during the Blight…" Anders started, stopping at the short quick snort of derision from beside him.

"There is a certain amount of respect and gratitude between us, but I would hardly call it a friendship." Elissa's voice had taken on a bitter tone as she tossed the reed to the ground and leaned back onto her hands with a sigh. "And that is not likely to change once they learn what it is I've come here to do."

Anders waited, watching her curiously as she thumbed through her mind in search of the right wording.

"How familiar are you with the occurrences at Redcliffe Castle during the Blight?" Elissa asked, turning her emerald eyes up to his and waiting to see if any connection flared to life within the honey-brown of his own.

"I know that some idiot mage raised the bloody dead there if that's what you're asking." Anders replied, his brow knitting in confusion. For the life of him he couldn't decipher how that could relate to their current position, or how it would relate to him specifically.

"Actually, it's unclear whether the blame for that lies with him or the possessed child… but that's not the point." She sat back up then, dusting off her hands and leaning in his direction. "The mage's name was Jowan. Did you know him?"

"Jowan? Of course!" Anders laughter was short and laced with his disgust. "It's hard not to live in Kinloch and not hear about him, even if you've spent most of your time in solitary. Things only got worse for us after him."

"I was afraid of that…" Elissa pressed her face into her hands then, drawing in a long slow breath before pulling them down and meeting his eyes again. "I am certain that Jowan's missteps did you no favors, and I will not ask you to forgive them. But, there may come a time in the very near future when I will need you to put them aside." She watched the realization of what she was hinting settle in on him, forcing herself to continue regardless. "I believed then, as I believe now, that a great majority of his poor decisions were forced from him under duress in response to the abuses he'd suffered over the course of his life, or orchestrated with the manipulation of Loghain Mac Tir and Rendon Howe."

"All mages suffer horrors and manipulation by those greedy enough to seek a means to their own end." Anders insisted, already falling into his usual tone of disapproval. "It doesn't mean you have to resort to blood magic and necromancy. Those are the choices of weak minded…"

"Not everyone is as strong as you, Anders." His mouth snapped shut at her words and he searched her eyes for any sign that she was pacifying him with a compliment, but he found only sincerity. "Jowan was terrified and alone and Loghain offered him his life in exchange for one small favor. His only failing was choosing to believe that promise. The rest of it is nothing more than any of us are capable of when it comes down to our survival."

"Okay, we will put aside that discussion for now." He acquiesced, knowing that he'd make no progress in changing her mind with regard to that at the moment. "Regardless, you gave the man his life – deserving or not – I don't see how he is your responsibility any longer."

"That's the thing. I didn't give him his life. I turned him back over to the Circle. I sent him back here… I sent him to…" her words trailed off and she scratched at her jaw, the muscles flickering beneath her hand with her tension. "At the time, I'd only begun to suspect the things I now know to be true, not that that makes my choice any more forgivable. I only waited as long as I did because I had a friend here in the tower who was keeping watch over him and intervening on the more… heinous abuses… whenever he could manage. He has since been reassigned to Kirkwall, which leaves Jowan in a very precarious position." She turned her eyes back up to him then. "You, better than anyone, know what they are capable of, Anders. Surely you cannot wish that on anyone. Not when we can stop it."

"You mean to conscript him?" It came out as a whisper, as though he feared the ears in the tower would hear it and come crashing down on them to end the thought before it had begun.

"I do." It was a promise.

"Do the others know?"

"Not yet. I needed to make sure you were going to be alright with it, or at the very least tolerant of the idea before I tossed it out to the full company." Elissa explained, chewing at her lip as she waited for his reaction. "If this is to work, it will require nothing less than perfect focus. I need all of you on board, and I won't get that without you. Not here in this place."

"You expect they aren't going to allow it?" He was suddenly very aware what she was saying to him, and unsure how to respond to it.

"I need to plan for that eventuality." She admitted, looking back to the tower. "I will leave here tomorrow with Jowan in hand, one way or another. I am hoping we can resolve this in a civil manner, but Alistair is prepared to deal with the consequences should I be unable to bend them to my will. You should be as well."

His mind went any number of places, from the fear that setting another user of tainted magics loose on the world to the brief consideration that her time spent with Avernus' and among the demons of the Fade had somehow left her blind to the manipulative properties of blood magic. In the end, it was the things that she didn't say which swayed him.

"He's in solitary, isn't he?" He asked the question though he already knew the answer. There was nowhere else they'd keep a prisoner of Jowan's notoriety.

"He's been in solitary for nearly a year, Anders." He could hear the shame in her words. He knew how much of the blame she carried on her shoulders, regardless of whether she deserved it. "I didn't give the man his life, I trapped him in it."

"Then you have my support." Anders said, listening to the quick release of breath that signaled Elissa's relief. "But I certainly hope you meant it when you said you'd bust me out if you had to. It very well may come to that if this goes poorly."

"At the end of the day, it's only stone and mortar." Elissa sighed, looking back out to the tower again now cast with an eerie glow in the moonlight. "And those things are easily broken with the right application of force."

"You'll raze it to the ground?" He asked.

"Every last fucking piece of it." Came her reply.

She leaned her head against his shoulder then and closed her eyes. Anders couldn't help but smile.