Author's Notes:
I finally got this new chapter done. It is the longest chapter so far, and to be honest I'm not 100% happy with it, but I hope you guys find some things about it that you like. I have to warn you though about some Suliet in a flashback.
"A pregnancy test?" he raised his voice at this as he stared back down to what he was holding in his hand, then looked quickly up at Kate again.
She stood there silent, unsure of what to say or actually where to begin, when Sawyer spoke up before she could.
"Freckles, you better tell me that you found this test here today in someone's tent, because if you had this on you the entire time we were over there on ..."
Kate cut him off, "I didn't find it today." Looking rather somber standing there, as if telling the truth was still something she'd have to get used to.
That shut him right up, now he was speechless as he stood there looking back down at the pregnancy test in his hand. Then he just shook his head and mumbled, drawling the words out "Unbelievable ... unbelievable" instead of all the things he really wanted to yell at her.
She'd heard that and spoke up, "I can explain."
Sawyer lifted his eyes again, meeting her gaze, and with a demanding tone to his voice said, "Well, then start talking Sweetheart. Can't wait to hear this one."
She moved a bit closer to him again, and sat down right in front of him, "Hurley took me to that doctor here, after I passed out when I came back from Bernard's and Rose's hut, and when the doctor was checking me out ... well, that's when I realized that I was late, but I told that Doctor that I'd take a test when I get back to L.A. instead of right then and there."
Sawyer didn't take his eyes off of her the entire time she spoke, he wasn't really all that mad anymore sensing that she's clearly uneasy about what she was trying to explain to him, but he was clearly confused why she hadn't told him that she had a test or why she hadn't taken it yet.
Kate continued, "Anyway, later that night I broke into the Infirmary and stole a test."
"Wait. You broke into the Infirmary?" His forehead wrinkled even more in confusion now.
She nodded, and a small smile actually appeared on her lips, "Yeah, and that guy, that tall guy with the short brown hair that works for you, he's a complete moron, ... didn't see me at all."
"Dan." Sawyer almost had to chuckle at this, "Yeah, well, he's a dimwit, he was already working security before I got here, I wouldn't have hired him." A short moment of silence passed, before Sawyer said, "Now go on, so you stole a damn test but why the hell haven't you taken it yet?"
She broke the gaze and looked down towards her own hands, fiddling with the hem of her shirt again, "I'm scared to take it because ... because I had an MRI done the day that you left to go to that cabin. And I had a few beers that week too. And then when everyone came over, that night when the police showed up and told me that you were dead, ... well, that night Claire, Cassie and I had gotten really drunk. And after that, I didn't really eat anything for a few days."
"What do you mean you didn't eat?" His voice sounded gruff and more concerned about that then about her getting drunk.
She looked up at him again, "I was really upset. I thought you were dead James." Then she added sarcastically, "So I kinda had lost my appetite, eating wasn't really a priority at the time."
A guilty shadow displayed on Sawyers face and he shook his head to himself.
But before he could say anything she spoke up again, "And I didn't want to do it alone either."
Now Sawyer spoke up, clearly a little irritated, "You know that I just spend the whole damn week chopping trees down like a mad man, wondering day in and day out if you're pregnant or not. Going over every god damn scenario in my head, and a hundred fucking 'what if's' and now I find out that we could've known all along."
"Did you hear anything I just told you? About the MRI and the liquor?"
"Yeah, I heard you just fine, but you do realize that if this test is negative you could've stopped worrying about it altogether."
"But what if it isn't negative?"
"But what if it is?"
They both stared at each other challengingly again, until he just took her hand into his free one and pulled her up to a stand with him, "Let's go and find out."
She followed him outside the tent rather reluctantly. The hot sand burning the soles of her feet with every step she took, while he was pulling her towards the tree line.
When they reached a rather suitable area in the foliage, he stopped dead in his tracks and turned towards her and she watched him as he tore the silver foil open on one end and pulled the plastic stick out of it. Wordlessly he just handed it to her, and then Kate spoke up, "Do you have a watch?"
"No, I don't. Why?"
She nudged her head towards the folded up piece of paper that he was still holding in his hand, "'Cause the instructions say it takes three minutes."
He glanced down at the paper in his hand without unfolding it, "Guess we'll have to estimate."
Then they both just stood there as if frozen in place, until Kate said, "You're gonna stand there and watch me pee on it?" She said in a voice that let him know she wanted him to leave.
Suddenly feeling a little flustered he said, "No, 'course not."
But in contrast to what he'd just said he still stood frozen in place for a moment staring at her standing there equally still in the middle of the jungle ... with that stupid stick in her hand.
And he had a million things running through his mind, all those god damn 'what if's' were beginning to suffocate him. And then all the things he'd said and done to her, some out of stupid pride, some just out of pure stupidity itself and some just out of spite ... to piss her off and push her away ... all of them were suddenly roaming around in his mind. And he felt the overwhelming urge to tell her about those things and try to explain away the ones he could ... and apologize for the ones he had done just to hurt her, with no real explanation as to why behind them.
There was so much left that he suddenly wanted to tell her, but never had ... and it felt like they were at a crossroad somehow. Right now they were still James and Freckles, but once they part ways right now there was a possibility that they would never be the same again ... everything they were could change here in a matter of three fucking minutes. A change for the better or worse ... he didn't know how it would all play out and it scared him to death. So the unspoken words lingered on his tongue ... his body literally trembling with the need to tell her - now or never - but he just couldn't. He didn't even know where to start ... hell, he'd done so much to her and before he knew it the words somehow died down before he could voice them.
Coward!
So he just turned around and had already taken a few steps back towards the beach, when he turned back around again and walked right back to her.
Kate watched him curiously coming right back towards her with that determined swagger of his, his eyes downcast as if he had to watch his steps carefully, one hand shoving the instructions into his back pocket at the same moment.
And before she knew what was happening one of his hands was reaching behind her neck and into her curls, pulling her towards him. His blue eyes met her green ones now. The look he gave her spoke to her as clearly as if he'd actually said the words out loud ... saying 'I'm sorry'! Sorry for what exactly, she wondered but her thoughts were interrupted when he closed his eyes as he pressed his lips to hers, giving her one of his breathtaking kisses, and then mumbled "I love you" against her still parted lips before he turned around and now really left her standing there alone. With the stupid stick!
He had already turned away from her when Kate's chin began to quiver ... she hated being such an emotional mess these days but she couldn't help it. But when she whispered an "I love you too" he was already gone too far to even hear it.
He didn't walk all the way back to the beach, just enough to give her some privacy. So there he stood, leaning against a three, his hands were trembling when he pulled the instructions back out of his pocket and was trying to read them. Cursing that he didn't have his glasses with him, but he was able to read it as long as he squinting and kept the shaking of his hands to a minimum.
He was nervous. His heart was racing, pounding like a damn drum in his chest and he wished he hadn't stopped smoking a few months back ... what he wouldn't give for a damn cigarette to calm his nerves right now. Or some hard liquor ... a big tall glass of whiskey would probably do the trick, he thought to himself.
He sighed and folded the paper up again, wondering what was taken her so long. All she had to do was pee on the damn stick and get this over with.
Then his mind began to wonder again.
What if it really is positive? What then? She'd have the kid and raise it all on her own. Dealing with the fucking paparazzi all on her own too. They'd never leave her alone now with a baby on the way from her dead husband. He could just see the headline on those stupid gossip rags - 'Oceanic baby' - or something equally stupid. But Clair and Cass would be there for her. He had no doubt about that at all.
Cass more so now than ever before. If this test came back positive they were family now. She'd forever be a part of Kate's life now, with that baby being the half-sibling of Clem and all. Clem would make an awesome big sister, and ... and him? He'd never be a part of any of it.
Maybe it's negative. Maybe all this worrying and wondering what would happen is for nothing and it will be negative. If it is, then it can all go back to normal. He won't let her stay here on the island, he'd made that mistake once, he ain't about to let history repeat itself. The image of her half-naked and tied down on that damn table popped into his mind. And if Jack hadn't showed up to alert him, god only knows what they would've done to her.
Yeah, that's the kinda shit that happens here, no way will I let her stay here. She can go back to L.A. and maybe after some time's past she'll meet someone new and live happily ever after with ...
"Fuck, what if it's fucking negative." He said out loud, when he really hadn't intended to.
He silently cursed himself for feeling the way that he was ... wondering why now in this fucked up situation that they were in, why now he came to realize that he actually would like to have a kid with her. He ran his hands through his long strands of hair again and sighed loudly as if he alone was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.
Then he heard something in the bushes behind him, and the nanosecond it took him to turn around, Kate had already stepped out of it and came into view. With the stupid stick clutched in her hand. Has it been three minutes already, he wondered.
He couldn't read the expression on her face, just notice that she'd been crying again, scared to death he asked the inevitable, "So, what does it say?"
"I already told you, it takes three minutes." She huffed in a shaky voice, avoiding his eyes at all cost, afraid to break down crying again.
Then she passed him and headed for the beach without another word. She was so mad that he was making her do this, and with that notion her strides were picking up speed as if she was trying to lose him behind in the jungle.
But Sawyer was right behind her, clearly sensing the tension in the air between them.
They'd made it back to their camp but it became clear to Sawyer that Kate had no intentions of stopping just yet when she marched right past his tent and just kept on walking further down the beach.
He was right on her tail when he said, "I think it's been three minutes babe." It had probably already been five he thought to himself.
She glanced back at him over her shoulder for just a second without losing any speed, "Not yet."
For some strange reason a completely unrelated conversation they'd shared in the past came back to his mind.
Are we there yet?
If we are where I think we are then our beach should be just through those trees. We'll be home in about 5 minutes.
Try to contain your excitement, Freckles.
Forgive me if I'm not excited about explaining why there's only two of us coming back, James.
Maybe they should explain why they ain't come looking for us. In fact, I'd be surprised if Locke - Ow, ow, ow.
What happened?
I stepped on something. Son of a bitch!
Looks like a dart.
How the hell did it get out here?
Alright, just relax your foot for a second, okay? I'm going to pull it out. On the count of three. Ready? One.
Ow! I thought you said three?
Yeah, well, anticipation's the worst part. I thought I would spare you.
You know, all you have to do is say sorry. We could start again, give each other a clean slate.
Slate. Like on Little House?
What?
Little House on the Prairie? Laura Ingalls used to write on this little chalkboard at school.
You call it Little House?
I had mono when I was a kid, missed two months of school - we only got one channel in my trailer.
What are we even talking about?
We ain't talking about nothing.
James?
And I ain't got nothing to be sorry for.
So that's how it's going to be?
Welcome home, Sawyer.
Welcome home, Kate.
Shaking the not so happy memory from his mind he finally questioned her since they had long passed their campsite altogether. "Are we there yet?"
"Just a little further ... we're almost there." She answered without glancing back this time and he almost didn't hear her over the sound of the waves right beside them.
A little annoyed he grunted to himself, then sped up his pace to actually reach her side and grabbed her free hand, intertwining his fingers in hers without really giving her a choice in the matter. Then he glanced down at her saying, "Someone I know once said that anticipation is the worst part. So why don't we just check the test already?"
Kate looked up at him for a second, but didn't answer him or slow down at all, so Sawyer just sighed and gave up.
Another minute later she finally slowed down, "We're here."
Sawyer looked around, "Here where?"
He looked around. Up and down the beach and over to the tree line. It was just like their beach, just a bit further down. Nothing about this little strip of beach struck him as anything special compared to where they'd just come from.
Kate looked up at him, "Here is where I sat with Sun when she'd taken her test."
He didn't really know how to respond to that, and after a moment of silence he just said, "Instructions said that the first pink line indicates that the tests working and the second line means it's positive, even if it's barely visible after three minutes ... but I think it's been more like ten minutes now." He swallowed nervously, glancing at the test stick in Kate's hand.
"Okay then, are you ready?" She asked, her voice sounding as shaky and nervous as his, but before he could answer her she felt her legs getting wobbly beneath her, so she added, "Maybe we should sit down."
"Good idea." He said and watched her sit down in the sand and then he scooted up behind her without any hesitation.
So Kate leaned back into him a little, her own heart pounding in her chest. The anger she'd felt somehow had subsided and was replaced by just fear now. She was scared and even if she was completely honest with herself she didn't even know what result she was hoping for anymore.
She wanted to stay with him but at the same time she wanted a baby too. But what if something's wrong with the baby because of the MRI she'd had? What if it will cause another miscarriage? She didn't think she could possible go through that again.
She sighed, closing her eyes for a brief moment wishing on a falling star even thought there wasn't one. Wishing she could have her old life back in L.A. with him and everyone they cared about and a baby. A healthy baby.
Sawyer wrapped his arms around her waist, holding onto her like he thought she would slip away from him at any moment. His palms were sweaty as they rested unintentionally on her abdomen. Realizing himself now why she might've avoided this for so long ... denial didn't seem so bad anymore at the moment. He swallowed the lump in his throat and rested his chin up on her shoulder, when both their eyes were glued to Kate's hand, which she was opening now excruciatingly slow to reveal the test.
But right when the result was just about to come into view, Sawyer's left hand reached up and clutched her fingers shut around the stick again.
"Wait." He blurted out to her surprise, that's when Kate scooted and turned enough to be able to see him and noticed how nervous he was about it all too. She was strangely relieved by his nervousness.
His hand was still holding firmly onto her hand, which was still holding onto the test.
Sawyer's voice sounding incredibly strange somehow when he asked her, "What are we even hoping for?"
"What?" Kate asked him back as if she hadn't heard him just now. She'd been convinced that he was hoping for it to be negative ... wasn't that the entire point he'd been trying to make?
Sawyer swallowed that lump again, "Are we hoping for one line or two lines Freckles?" His chest was rising up and down, like he'd just run a mile or two. But his breaths were just trying to keep up with his racing heart.
Kate's voice was equally shaky when she said, "I don't know." Then she pointed the imaginary gun to his chest, "What are you hoping for?"
He broke the gaze and looked out onto the ocean for a moment and Kate watched him rather mesmerized as if her life depended on what Sawyer was hoping for instead of the actual test result itself.
His lips were pulled into a straight line, and his dimples showed even though it wasn't a smile at all, then he finally looked back at Kate and a crazy thought crossed his mind right then and there. So he said, "Well, maybe I can talk to Hurley and maybe the big guy will let me leave the island every once in a while."
Kate's eyes spelled confusion, but before she could voice it he continued, "I mean, we'd have to be real careful and all, since I'm supposed to be dead, but ... you know, maybe I could come see you, I mean, meet you somewhere, and meet our baby and stuff."
Kate felt Goosebumps all over. Was this really happening? "You think Hurley would let you do that? Come and see us I mean?"
"The man's heart's almost as big as the guy himself, can't picture him saying no to that ... I mean, I wouldn't leave the island for good, I can't do that ... I'd just be visiting you and the baby, and maybe handle a bit of island business while off-island and take over Richard off-island duties. He said he was finally ready to retire."
"I could move to the island too, once the baby's born." She said with a hopeful heart, butterflies in her stomach like she was just falling in love with him all over again.
"No!" He almost yelled out, his voice sounding almost mean, "This place isn't safe. This isn't a place for a kid and you know it."
And just like that the butterflies were gone again!
Then he added, his voice comforting and sweet again, "Sorry, didn't mean to yell, but I could never ... I just can't let you stay here Freckles. This place is not safe, but I'll try my best to convince Hurley to let me come and see you as often as possible. Can't really promise anything 'till I talked to the man though, but ... well, that's the best I can do Sweetheart. And if that ain't enough for you then I'll understand. I mean if you meet ..."
She cut him off before he could go on, unable to contain her newfound hope she blurted out, "I'll wait for you."
He tried not to smile at that, but the corners of his lips still pulled upward, revealing a shy smile nonetheless.
She shyly smiled back at him too and said, "I think it's been like fifteen minutes now, James."
He sighed deeply, looked at her and said, "Let's do this." But he was still scared to death, even more so now for giving her hope about off-island visits, when he really wasn't so sure that he'd be allowed to do that. But he had hope and he had given her hope.
And somehow a memory of Sayid sitting around a campfire popped into his mind. The Iraqi preached to him, "Hope is a very dangerous thing to lose."
You damn right Mohamed, it is!
So Sawyer released his death grip he'd had on Kate's hand and she finally opened her hand to reveal the test result.
Both stared at the stick for a moment in silence, until Sawyer couldn't hold his tongue anymore and said in a strangely sounding voice, "Son of a bitch ... You're pregnant." And as soon as the words had left his lips, he smiled wide, teeth showing and dimpled digging deep into his cheeks.
His eyes beamed with joy, and so did Kate's when she turned to look at him again, "We're really having a baby James."
They kissed. Smiled. And kissed again.
Sawyer grabbed the stick out of her hand to examine it more closely, "That second line ain't even pink anymore, that's bright fucking red if you ask me."
Kate stared at it too, "It's fuchsia."
"Fuchs-what?"
"Fuchsia ... you know, like a really dark pink."
He just shrugged at that and stared at it some more.
He just didn't know what else to say. He just sat there with one arm firmly around Kate, pulling her to him while staring at the test and grinning like a fool.
Shit, this is really happening. She is really gonna have my baby.
They stayed sitting in that spot in the warm sand, taking turns examining the stick again as if it wasn't really true unless they each stared at it for a bit longer. When sunset was approaching they decided to get up and walk back the short distance to their camp, hand in hand and test in hand too.
As they walked in silence, Sawyer's mind wandered back to all those years ago and how he'd hoped beyond hope that she wasn't pregnant then. And he wondered to himself how strangely different he felt about it all this time around. He'd never seen himself as the fatherly type ... but that was all before he took care of Aaron for three weeks with hardly any help from Claire for the first two weeks. And being in the little man's life ever since. And also Clementine had a lot to do with the way he felt about being a daddy now ... thanks to Kate he had been able to get to know her and spend time with her.
He'd never had that since his parents died, he thought for a moment. He'd never been part of a family since then, until they'd made it off the island together. Strangely Clair and Aaron, Miles even and of course Clementine and Kate were his family now. And now Kate and him would have a baby of their own. Starting their own little family.
Now he just had to convince the big guy to let him go off-island every now and again to be with them.
After picking up her pink shirt that had still been lying in the sand by the campfire, they settled into Sawyer's tent.
The sun had completely disappeared into the ocean somewhere ... neither of them really cared. Darkness engulfing them while lying on the sandy ground, except for the glow from their campfire that was slightly visible even through the closed tarp that served as their door.
Both of them lying on their side, facing each other ... the positive pregnancy test sitting on top of one of Sawyers old empty suitcases like a trophy would sit on someone's mantel over the fireplace.
Like teenagers ... exactly like teenagers who were so crazy in love and utterly unaware in what kind of trouble they were actually in. And while kisses were shared, there were giggles and chuckles, smoldering looks and hands were roaming. But oddly enough, neither of them made any attempts at undressing each other. There was a new found intimacy between them that didn't require for clothing to be shed. Not at the moment anyways.
All she could think was that she couldn't really explain any of this, she couldn't understand it ... this feeling. And then that thought made her giggle out loud again, because she finally got it. She got what he had been trying to say earlier, about trusting in something, even if you don't fully understand it. And she did now, she trusted in him, even though it didn't make any sense at all ... because she was pregnant and he was stuck on this island and in the real world everyone believed that he was dead.
But strangely, the latter didn't matter to her right here and now. All she could think of is that she was pregnant, and that Sawyer was happy about it too ... that he wanted this with her. She could see it in his eyes and the way he was touching her now ... differently ... yet it was all so real. More real than it had ever been before.
They had no idea how much time had passed or how late it was. Time seemed to stand still for them at the moment. Blissful silence hung between them when Sawyer rolled onto his back and Kate snuggled into his side, resting her head on his shoulder, her face nuzzling into his neck.
And just when Sawyer thought she'd fallen asleep in his arms, her small voice spoke up, "What if something is wrong with the baby James?"
"Ain't nothing's gonna be wrong with the baby." There was no faltering in his voice. Not a shred of doubt whatsoever the way he'd just presented that sentence to her. Like there was no wiggle room to elaborate.
But Kate couldn't let it go that easily. "You don't know that though. What if MRI's do some kind of damage? I think it has something to do with magnets, you know ... magnetism, like the island. I tried to look it up in the book, but I couldn't find anything about MRI's."
The concern in her voice couldn't be missed. She was really scared for their baby's well being, now that it was confirmed that there really was a baby.
Sawyer shifted onto his side, to face her again. Looking over at her and slowly letting his fingertips travel over her face, from the center of her forehead over her brow all the way to her ear, pushing those wild curls back and out of her eyes. Then with the most genuine look in his eyes that Kate had ever seen, he said, "Baby's gonna be fine, Freckles. I'll talk to Hurley and he'll make sure the kids gonna be just fine, so don't you worry about that anymore. I'll make sure of it, I promise!"
And he'd meant it, every word of it. He'd drink the damn holy water himself if that's what he'd have to do. But their baby was going to be healthy, he'd see to it, even if it was the last thing he'd ever do.
"You really think he can do that?"
"Freckles, remember when Richard told us that he came here on the black rock, way way back and the man just recently went completely grey. Sayid raised from the dead in front of our eyes. And Aaron really thinks that he spend the first three years of his life with Claire and not you. And then there's you Freckles, you boarded a plane in 2007 and somehow arrived in 1977 with me ... so yeah, I'm sure the kids gonna be alright. Hurley will see to it, so you need to stop worrying about that, alright Sweetheart?"
When Sawyer leaned in for a kiss all while palming her cheek softly in his left hand, she nodded in agreement but she was secretly wishing she shared his untiring faith in what Hurley and this island can do.
And just like that they began talking again, holding a steady gaze on one another ... neither of them seemed to be tired at all as they talked on for what seemed like hours.
And so the night went on with them just talking about everything they could possible think of. Her and his past. Asking each other questions and actually getting truthful answers in return ... it was so strange and yet so enticing at the same time.
And it also didn't seem to matter how important or unimportant of a question it was ... they just talked and talked ... there was no end in sight. Some of their usual banter in between, some kisses here and there and some conversation topics that were rather serious and close to the heart ... yet they both still answered honestly, revealing as much as they could without falling apart.
Then came a question from Sawyer that should've been harmless enough, "Where did ya' learn how to cook?"
"Why do you wanna know?" came back from her.
"Just curious who taught ya' how to burn a steak to half its size."
Kate scoffed as if offended, "I burned it just one time. One time ... you're never gonna let me live that down, are you?"
He had to chuckle at that but didn't really answer, so she continued with a question back, "So you're asking 'cause you don't like my cooking?"
He grinned from ear to ear when he drawled, "Yeah, well ..."
She cut him off by slapping his shoulder, pushing him away from her in the process while acting all mad, but Sawyer just chuckled, "I was kidding girl. No need to get all violent with me ... I love your cooking."
"Then why'd you ask?"
He rubbed his shoulder now as if she had actually hurt him, obviously mocking her, before he stopped grinning like a fool and answered her honestly. "When you met me at the airport on that day, when Claire and I flew into L. A., remember?"
She nodded and he continued, "Well ... and you took me back to your place that night, while Claire took Aaron with her to that motel where her mom and her aunt had been staying. Anyhow, you fixed something to eat for us and I was just really surprised that you could cook like that ... cook that good I mean."
She had heard the underlying compliment but still looked up at him puzzled, "Why would you assume that I didn't know how to cook?"
He sort of shrugged his shoulders, as much as you can do so while lying on your side, "It's just whenever you popped into my mind, it was never an image of you slaving over a hot stove, Martha. Guess I just never pegged you for the housefrau type." Then he raised his eyebrows suggestively and added, "Although you were all hot and sweaty in my dreams, but not from domestic chores." He licked his lips suggestively, waiting for her to take the bait.
Kate however completely ignored his last statement and the 'lip-lick', just questioned his choice of a nickname, "Martha?"
"What? You don't like it? She can cook too and she also went to jail. You and her are one of a kind."
Now she shoved him again, chuckling while she blurted out, "Don't compare me to Martha Stewart ... I'm nothing like her."
"Ain't a reason to get all mad ... she can cook and decorate and all that shit, you should be flattered."
"I'm not." She answered back quickly.
A few seconds passed before Sawyer spoke up again, "You still haven't answered my question. So who taught you how to cook?"
Out of the blue her demeanor got serious, "My mom taught me." She paused sighing, her eyes averting his for a moment when she added, "I had to know how to fix breakfast for him when she was working the early shift, pack his lunch too and how to make dinner if she was working the late shift at the diner."
Him! Sawyer knew all too well by now who she meant by that, there was no need for her to say his name. And right away his mind played out different scenarios what would happen if Wayne didn't like what she had cooked for him.
What would Wayne have done if she'd burned his steak? And then he remembered that day again when he came home and the whole house smelled like something was still burning and how she started crying the moment she saw him walk into the kitchen. Knowing now that she had to cook for that lousy son of a bitch brought a whole other meaning to why she was standing there crying.
Sawyer reached over and lifted her chin with his hand so she'd look at him again. Trying to say with his eyes what he couldn't say with words ... sympathy, he really wasn't sure what else he could say to her after that.
Stupid sentences formed in his head, like 'Least you know how to cook now' but he knew damn well that wasn't something she would wanna hear or even receive well at the moment. So he didn't say it or anything else for that matter, he just cupped her cheek again and kissed her softly ... for all the things he couldn't say.
After the kiss they both remained silent, just gazing at each other in that lovey-dovey kinda way again. Completely at awe with each other for how open they'd managed to be today.
This was a new beginning for them. There was no doubt.
But then Sawyer seemed to have overstepped this new found openness when his forehead wrinkled, his face got all serious and he asked her the unthinkable.
At least it seemed like the unthinkable to Kate, when he stroked her cheek tenderly, gazed into her eyes and said, "Why'd you do it Freckles? Why'd you kill him?"
Kate just stared at him in disbelieve. She felt like someone had just punched her and all the air had subsequently left her lungs. She felt physical pain as a result of that question, her throat closed up and she felt like she couldn't breathe.
Sawyer could feel her entire body just stiffening against him, she looked away from him avoiding his stare and in the corner of his eyes he saw her ball her right hand into a fist.
He hadn't meant to cause that kind of a reaction in her, so he quickly said, "Just forget it. Doesn't matter ... I know you ain't in the business of killing innocent folks. Knocking your mama 'round for all those years, if you asked me that son of a bitch should've met his maker a hell of a lot sooner."
He didn't really expect an answer at all, so he was surprised when she looked up, met his eyes and said, "That's not why I did it."
Ahhh hell, I'm so fucking screwed. What the hell was I thinking asking her that?
He didn't know what to say to that. Did she want him to ask again? Was she ready to tell him the whole truth? Ready to tell him what made her do it?
Sawyer just didn't know what to make of her response, so he replied as honestly as he could, "Look honey, like I said, you don't have to tell me nothing ..." He paused trying to interpret the look in her eyes. " ... unless you ... unless you wanna tell me."
She didn't nod or say yes or anything like that. Instead she surprised Sawyer when she just started speaking.
"I could go on and on about all the ways he'd made her and my life a living hell, but ... but if you watched my trial then you already know about most of that, so I'm gonna get straight to the point. My mom had to work the late shift on the day I turned eighteen, so I went out with a few of my friends that evening.
A friend of friend brought some booze, so we all got drunk that night. It was already past midnight by the time I finally made it home, I was a bit drunk but not like really bad, you know.
His truck was in the drive, but all the lights were off so I figured he was already passed out like usually."
She paused for a second to gather her thoughts and Sawyer didn't say anything, just remained quiet and gave her the time she needed before she continued, "To make a long story short, when I got into the house, he ... he sort of attacked me." Kate shook her head and wiped a tear away.
Sawyer couldn't hold back anymore now and before she could say anything else, he yelled out furiously, "Son of a bitch!" Balling his own hands into fists now, his jaw set tightly while he tried to keep his anger in check.
Kate quickly spoke up, she just wanted to get this out and over with when she said, "Anyway, he was pretty drunk, shoved me to the ground, got on top of me, tried to undue my jeans and."
Sawyer cut her off. "Hush. Shhhhhhhhhh." He said as he wrapped her into his arms and squeezed her tightly, he couldn't bear to hear the rest.
But then Kate whispered, "But I have to tell you the rest now, or."
"Shhhhh. No you don't sugar. Ain't no reason to go there. The fucking bastard's burning in hell where he belonged all along."
But Kate wouldn't let up, she pushed back a little to look up at Sawyer, locking eyes with him again, "No, you don't understand, you're assuming the worst, but ... but that's not what happened."
There was both surprise and relief displayed on Sawyers face when he asked, "So he didn't ...?" He couldn't finish the sentence, just searched her eyes for confirmation.
Kate shook her head, "He didn't rape me, James."
He sighed loudly in relief, and pulled her face into his chest again, kissing her hair and mumbled, "Thank god." But right away he still thought that the guy got what he deserved regardless.
Kate broke free from his tight embrace again to elaborate more, "He tried to but I ... I was able to fight him off. I fought him off of me, ran out of the house, got into his truck 'cause I knew the keys would be in it and I ran."
After pausing for a few seconds, she continued. "At first I think I was so in shock. I just drove, not really sure where to go."
"Did ya' go to the cops?" Sawyer interrupted her with his question.
Kate shook her head, "No, 'cause Wayne and the Sheriff were poker buddies, so there was no use in going there. So instead I drove to the diner where my mom worked, parked Wayne's truck across the street and just sat there, waiting for her to close up. And as terrified as I still was, I really thought that after all these years he'd finally crossed the line and my mom would come to her senses and finally leave him once she would hear what he'd tried to do to me."
Kate sniffled again, wiping a tear away with the back of her hand, "So when she finally came out and walked to her car, I got out of the truck and walked up to her. In tears I told her everything that had happened, but she just stood there silently and emotionless hearing me out. Then she said that Wayne had already called her and told her everything. He'd told her that he caught me trying to sneak in the house drunk and that he had just wanted to teach me a lesson.
Apparently he hadn't been as drunk as I thought he was, because he was levelheaded enough to cook up a good enough story to even convince my mom that all he had tried to do was show me how easily I could be taken advantage off while I was drunk. And she said that he'd even said that he hadn't meant to scare me as badly as he had, but now I'd know better than to stay out all night getting drunk. It was the most unbelievable cover up story I had ever heard, but honestly it didn't really surprise me that my mom believed him. Or at least she appeared to believe him. Then she even said that I'd get an earful from him because I'd 'stolen' his truck and driven off in it while drunk.
She told me to get in the car with her to go home. I just couldn't believe this was really happening, so I just ran across the street got back in his truck and left, spend that night all alone in his truck parked out in the middle of nowhere.
Nothing was ever the same again after that night. I stayed at a friend's house for a little while. I called my dad up too, told him what had happened and he didn't really say whether or not he believed me, but he did send me enough cash for the deposit and first couple months rent on a little one bedroom apartment.
I was supposed to start taking college classes after that summer but I needed the money now to pay for rent so I got a job working on a farm instead. I would just see my mom at the diner. Only went back to the house once to get all of my things, but stayed away from Wayne as much as I could. The few times that we did cross paths he always had this way about him and the way he'd leer at me, ... he just made me feel uneasy.
A few years went by and I was trying to make this scrapbook for my dad's birthday, so I had called a friend of my dad's to get some pictures. Well, some of the pictures he'd send me had dates on the back and from those dates I realized that he'd been in Korea when my mom had gotten pregnant with me."
Sawyer's eyes grew wide, he had remained silent and just let her talk without interrupting, but he hadn't seen this coming at all and just had to speak up, "So Sam ain't your daddy?"
Tears fell some more, but Kate had been able to hold it together for the most part, "Not biologically, but he is my dad in every way that it counts."
"Well, and he'd never said anything and neither had your mom? Who is your dad then?"
"Who do you think?" She said with the saddest look in her eyes.
"Son of a bitch! That bastard was your dad? So your mom was sleeping with that guy long before Sam and her split up? Are you sure?"
"I'm sure James. And that is why I killed him. I killed him because he was evil incarnate." Her chin began to quiver uncontrollably when she said, "I mean, what he'd tried to do to me and to think that I'm this daughter ... I hated that he was or is a part of me."
Sawyer had heard enough to be furious beyond believe, but at the same time he realized it wouldn't do Kate any good. So he tried his best to just comfort her, holding her in his arms, "Freckles, that bastard got what he deserved for what he'd done to you. I'd kill him my damn self if you hadn't done so already."
Kate rubbed the tears off of her face as she locked eyes him, "So ... so you're saying you believe me? You believe that he really tried to rape me?"
Sawyer looked at her dumbfounded, "'Course I believe you, Sweetheart. Why wouldn't I believe you?"
She hugged him like there was no tomorrow, as she buried her face into his chest. Not even Tom had believed her without a doubt. It seemed unreal that Sawyer would. And suddenly instead of sadness she felt relieved. Relieved to have gotten it all off of her chest and relieved that Sawyer didn't think she was crazy for having done what she did.
They both remained quiet for a little while, as if trying to digest everything that had just happened. The revelations where starting to get to them.
But soon the silence was replaced again with conversations about nothing and everything at the same time.
And somewhere, somehow the conversation had managed to come full circle ... back to Juliet.
And in an accusatory tone Kate told Sawyer about what had happened in the processing center that day. How she hadn't been on the list, yet Hurley and Jack had been. How it was clear to her that Juliet had left her off the list on purpose, but then had a change of heart for ... whatever reason.
Sawyer of course hadn't even known about that, but still tried to defend Juliet. He just couldn't believe that she'd have done something like that and put Kate at risk of being exposed.
"So you think I'm lying?" Kate asked defensively.
"No, I'm not saying you're lying, I just think that maybe you misunderstood something."
"You weren't there James. That guy, Phil, he had a few lists, the sub manifest and some other ones, and I wasn't on either one of them, but Hurley and Jack were. So you're saying she went through all the trouble faking the paperwork by adding the two of them, but just conveniently forgot to add me?"
"She did add you, you just said so yourself that she came in there and gave Phil the right papers."
Kate shook her head because she just couldn't believe that Sawyer was this dense when it came to Juliet. But when tears began to well up in Kate's eyes Sawyer sighed and spoke up again, "Maybe you're right."
Kate's face jerked up to meet his, "So ... you're saying you believe me?"
Sawyer sighed again and said, "Well, Juliet was pretty insecure as far as you were concerned."
Kate couldn't believe her ears, because she couldn't really picture Juliet being insecure about anything really. But then Kate wondered out loud, "Is that why she stuck me in the motor pool with her? So that she could keep an eye on me?"
"Actually no, I put you in the motor pool with her."
"You did that? Why? I don't know a thing about cars."
"Well, where else should I've put you? It ain't like I had a list of your previous jobs to go by. Didn't really know your qualifications, Sugar, but this way I figured Juliet could help you out."
"I can track. I know how to fire a gun. I could've worked security with you." But right as that last sentence had left her lips, she realized what she'd just suggested.
And the look in Sawyers eyes spoke volumes too. "You working security with me Freckles?" He gave her an amused look, "Can you imagine the look on everyone's face if I'd assigned you to work with me? And besides, we were all in the seventies, a woman working in security ... don't know that the good old Dharma folks would've went for that, Sweetheart."
She nodded in agreement, "I guess so ... but it would've been nice getting to see you more often."
He nodded too, "It would've been nice, ... but she was already paranoid enough about you coming back and what it all meant for her and me. There was no need to add oil to the fire by having you work side by side with me."
He paused for a moment, "I'm sorry she didn't put you on that list right from the start. I don't know what she was thinking risking exposing you like that."
Kate just nuzzled her face into his chest again and sighed, because the fact that Sawyer finally admitted that maybe Juliet wasn't as picture perfect as she'd appeared meant the world to her.
But Sawyers mind drifted off to how Juliet and him had come to be in the first place and he couldn't help the frown on his face when he remembered everything he'd put that woman through.
Flashback
Dharmaville, January 1975
Sawyer rolled off of her rather quickly, ashamed of what he'd done. But it wasn't the fact that he'd just had sex with her that had him ashamed, it was what he'd accidentally called her in the midst of it that had him at a loss for words right now.
And he also knew that no witty remark would undo what he'd just called her.
He knew that she knew how he felt, but still, this wasn't fair to her. And after getting to know her, and having spent time with her for the past seven months, he'd be lying if he'd say he didn't care about her.
He does care, and truth be told Juliet is everything he could've ever wished for. But what Juliet is or was, wasn't the problem, the problem was what she was not ... the problem was who she's not.
She ain't her ... she ain't his Freckles!
But that's exactly what he'd just called her. 'Freckles' he'd whispered into her ear right as he reached climax himself. And as soon as it had left his lips, his eyes flew open and without another word or kiss he'd rolled off of her because he knew what he'd done.
Juliet's face was just frozen in place, lying there for a second, wondering how she should react to what had just happened.
She was not going to cry. No way is she going to cry, not here, not now in front of him. So she ripped at the thin white sheet and gripped it to her bare chest, wrapped it around herself rather quickly. Climbing out of the bed they'd shared every night for almost a week now, as gracefully as the situation would allow it.
Holding onto the sheet to not lose the last shred of dignity she had left as she searched around the bedroom floor for her belongings. Her clothes and shoes to be exact.
Sawyer sat up and watched her, the blanket pulled up to cover him from the waist down, running his hand through his long hair. Speechless. He knew he really fucked up.
What do you say in a moment like this, when you can't find the words to tell it like it is?
He watched her leave his bedroom with her belongings in hand as if the room was on fire, then heard the bathroom door being slammed shut angrily further down the hall.
He got out of bed now too, pulled on his boxers and jeans quickly and followed her out of the room, stopping right outside the bathroom door.
The door was locked so he knocked. "Juliet." He said, trying to get her attention. Still not sure where he was really going with this, what could he possibly say to fix this.
Since they were left behind and started skipping through time and ended up here, they'd been strangely honest with each other. A concept that Sawyer was completely unfamiliar with. Telling the truth, that was virgin territory for a natural born conman like himself.
But she'd told him how she'd come to know about the man he'd killed in Australia. She'd told him that she knew everything there was to know about him before the plane crash ... she told him that she'd read it all in his file. So he knew there was no point in denying anything to this woman ... she knew more about him than anyone else, with the exception of John Locke. There was just no point in lying.
He knocked again, "Come on Juliet, open up."
There was nothing, no sign of life, coming from the other side of that door.
He sighed, trying to think of what to say. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to ..."
The bathroom door flew open, interrupting him before he could finish his sentence, "You didn't mean to what, James? You didn't mean for me to know that you were thinking of her when you had sex with me. How could I have been so stupid?"
He was taken aback by this, he'd never seen her actually getting loud and angry about anything. Juliet didn't yell and scream; even when she was mad she remained composed somehow. This was new.
"It ain't like that." Grasping at straws now ... and lies again, because it was exactly like that.
She buttoned up the last button on her shirt, not even looking up at him. "Look, people are starting to talk. I know they've seen me leave here early in the morning, before work, and I just want to get our story straight, be clear about what we're saying."
Defensively he said, "I haven't said anything, because ... because to be honest, I don't know what we're doing." That wasn't a lie, that was the truth.
She sighed and finally looked up at him, "I don't know either." Her voice was near the breaking point. He could see that she was trying to hold it together, but it was getting increasingly harder for her with every passing second.
Sawyer was just about to speak, but she beat him to it, "I know you still love her. I knew that when we kissed last week, and I knew that when I came here every night since that kiss. But ... but I thought ..." She looked away, sobbing now as she covered her face with her hands.
He wrapped his arms around her gently, pulling her close and she let him.
Damn it, she fucking loves me!
And right in that moment, he knew he felt something for her too, because it was more than just compassion that made him pull her into his arms. He'd come to care a lot for Juliet. He'd known that for a while now. It wasn't anywhere near what he'd felt for Kate. But maybe it could be one day, if he'd give them a chance. Clearly Juliet had been willing to give it a go.
"I ain't gonna stand here and lie and say that you got it all wrong, but ... she ain't here now, is she?"
There was no answer from Juliet, but she did pull away from his embrace to look up at him.
"I can't change how I feel about her, trust me, I'd so much rather just be over her ... you know, move on ... what's done is done. But at the same time I want you to know that I do care about you. And that's the god damn truth, you know it is. So yeah, I don't know what this is. I don't know what the hell we are to each other. But I do know that I don't want you to leave. I'm so tired of being alone." He sighed, "Aren't you tired of being alone?"
Her eyes glazed over with tears as she nodded. She knew she'd again fallen for someone who, just like Jack, was in love with Kate.
There were so many things running through her mind. Things she wanted to yell and scream at him. Like how he'd only known Kate for only three months, yet they'd spend the last seven months together. And how Kate couldn't make up her mind, yet she had had his back from the moment they found themselves left behind at the beach. And all the other things she knew about the brunette from reading her file.
But she didn't say any of those things out loud, because she knew it was pointless to point out Kate's flaws to him, because he loved her still ... seven months later and he still loved and missed her.
And Juliet also knew that sometimes the heart is stronger than any logical thinking. After all, she'd spend almost three years with Goodwin, and she'd really loved him too ... but then she'd spend just a few weeks with Jack and had found herself head over heels for the handsome doctor from Los Angeles. Logic would tell you it didn't quite make sense that she'd feel that way about Jack, after all the time she'd spend with Goodwin ... but that was just it. The heart wants what the heart wants.
And she'd be a hypocrite if she said she never spend any time thinking of him ... thinking of Jack. In another life they would've been perfect for each other. But it wasn't meant to be and he wasn't here anymore ... and neither was Kate ... and yes, she was tired of being alone too.
"So what now?" Juliet asked, clearly unsure of how to act, what to do.
He looked at her. She looked so hurt, so fragile, and he felt like he'd done that to her. So he said the only thing he could think of.
"Stay!"
Dharmaville, July 1977
Sawyer stood in the kitchen, casually leaning back against the kitchen counter, dishtowel in hand waiting for Juliet to hand him another dish to dry off.
When she handed him a plate, their eyes met again and a goofy smile appeared on his face strangely similar to the one on her face.
He was so proud of her for what she'd done today. She'd overcome her own fear, and had saved two lives in the process. Not only had she saved Amy, who'd become a good friend to them over the last three years, but she'd also saved the life of that little baby boy. Two innocent people would be dead if it wasn't for her.
"So, was Horace upset that he missed the birth?" Her voice startled him out of his thoughts.
"Think he was too hung over to really be upset. I guess he was more disappointed for missing it then anything else."
Juliet handed him another plate and he took it as if on autopilot.
"Did he tell you why he got drunk?"
"What?" He suddenly felt cornered. His heartbeat went up a notch or two.
Juliet stopped fussing with the dishes to turn towards him, her voice calm and placid like always, "I said did Horace tell you why he got drunk?"
Sawyer averted his eyes, turning his back towards Juliet as he stacked the dried off plate on top of the other one, "Naw, he didn't say." Damn it, he didn't wanna have to lie to her, but he really didn't want to rehash this with her right now. Because if he told her about his conversation with Horace, it would open up a whole other can of worms.
He quickly turned back around, looked her straight in the eyes, "Amy had mentioned somethin' 'bout a fight right before she went into labor. When I asked what about, she just said it was personal."
He reached past Juliet into the sink and pulled the next thing out to dry off, "You want me to take over?" He nodded towards the bubbly water in the sink.
Juliet sighed, then gave him her standard smile and turned back towards the sink, "No, I got it."
He watched her rather suspiciously out of the corner of his eye, wondering if he had become so transparent to her, that she could sense a lie coming on, before he'd even voiced it.
There was an awkward silence for a minute, and then Sawyer said, "Well, dinner was really great tonight, baby. You went all out, didn't ya'?"
Juliet ran the sponge over the fork in her hand, then dipped it back into the water one more time. "Yeah, I felt like celebrating." She said smiling again, when she handed him the fork.
"You should be celebrating, you did great Juliet." He smiled at her again, the dimples digging into his cheeks. She returned the smile with one of her own, clearly happy again in that moment.
Then they finished the remaining dishes in silence.
Sawyer opened the fridge and grabbed a beer, popping the can open before the fridge door had even closed behind him. He took a quick swig before some of it came bubbling out, as he walked the short distance to his favorite chair right by the window in the living room.
He crossed his legs by his ankles on the coffee table, sat the beer down next to him, positioned his glasses on his nose just right and opened his book that had been sitting there waiting for him since the night before.
Juliet poured herself another glass of wine and walked over to him, sitting down on the couch opening her own book.
This was their life together. Normalcy in the most mundane way possible. The biggest excitement would be someone else's fight, like Horace and Amy's. Because that didn't happen here, in their house. Here they only had domestic bliss. There were no heated arguments. No passionate outbursts. But there was also no passionate making up either.
After a few minutes Juliet put the book down in her lap, the page still open and looked over at Sawyer.
He tried to pretend he didn't noticed her stare, but could only manage to do so for about a minute. Then he lowered his book too, looked up at her, "What's up?" He asked with a somewhat concerned tone to his voice.
She sighed, still with a happy smile on her face, "It's just ... I still can't believe Amy and the baby are alive and well." She picked up her wine glass from the coffee table and took a sip, as she pulled her legs up onto the sofa. Clearly not interested in reading, she wanted to talk.
He dropped his book in his lap, still holding onto it with one hand to keep his page, reaching for the beer with his other hand. "Well, you said so yourself that it seemed like things were different here, when she'd made it all the way to the end of her pregnancy. So whatever kills the mama's-to-be hasn't happened yet." He took a hearty sip from the cold can.
She stared at him in a mischievous kind of way, the corner of her lips pulled up just enough that it could've passed for a smile.
Sawyer lowered the can from his lips, his eyebrows raised looking right back at her, "What?"
She knew she was treading on thin ice with this, knowing what she'd read in his file all those years ago. She knew how he'd abandoned his own daughter. But Juliet wanted to believe desperately that he wasn't that same man anymore.
So she took a chance. Her heart was racing in her chest, but from her calm exterior Sawyer would've never known that that was the case, when she asked him still smiling, "I was thinking, what if we had a baby?"
"Come again?" He must have misunderstood her; no way did she just say what he thinks she said.
She sat upright quickly, put her wineglass on the table again, leaning closer to him now, even though they were sitting on two different pieces of furniture, "I said, what if we had a baby?"
To say that he was completely surprised by this would be an understatement; he was shocked because he hadn't seen this coming at all. And for the first time in a long time he really didn't know what to say to her.
What the hell do you say to something like this? He loves her, he truly does, but this life they are living here is just a game. Trying to fit in, pretending and lying about who they really are, nothing but a con ... no place to bring a child into. He thought that they were happy, just the way they are.
He sat the beer back down quickly and pulled his glasses off his face. Leaning forward like her, he rested his elbows on his knees, "Sweetheart, we're in 1977." His voice firm and matter of fact.
"I know that James."
"Well, ..." He sighed, clearly trying to buy time, wondering what he could say next.
She spoke up before he could come up with anything to say. "James." She sounded like she was trying to plead with him, "Three years ago Daniel said that whenever we are now, we're here for good."
Sawyer quickly came to his senses. He didn't want to have a kid, he knew that, but his feelings were beside the point. There were other things to consider here, "I know what he said, but you do realize that out there in the real world is a little mini-you and a mini-me walking around, and your kid would be just a couple years younger than yourself ... You really gonna tell me that you don't see anything wrong with that notion Juliet?"
But Sawyer wasn't done just yet, "And what if something happens again. I mean they are building the damn orchid station right now. Danny-boy said that's where it all started. So what if something happens and somehow we jump through time again because we don't really belong here? What if that happens and your kid doesn't skip through time with us?"
Juliet sat there now, no longer smiling, her hands folded in her lap with her eyes glued to her own fingers intertwining. She had heard everything he'd just said, and it all made sense somehow ... he was right. But those two words kept on echoing in her head ...your kid ... not our kid. That's what had stuck out the most to her. He was so happy that Amy and the baby were okay, and somehow she'd misunderstood that happiness for something else. Somehow she thought he would want to have a family with her. How could she have been so wrong?
Sensing her sudden sadness, he got up from his chair and sat down on the couch beside her, a comforting arm around her shoulder now, "Juliet, the time has got to be right, and it ain't right right now." He paused for a moment and sighed before he added, "And besides, what would we do with a baby?"
She should have known he'd react like this. She should've seen it coming. Her eyes finally looked back up at him, nodding, "You're right. I wasn't thinking."
He reached for her hand, "Come on, Blondie, let's go to bed. It's been a long day." He said smiling his most pleasant smile at her, as he pulled her up to a stand.
She faked a smile and nodded politely when she realized that going to bed was his way of putting an end to this conversation. But what she wanted to say was that time might not be right, but time was running out for her to be a mother. She's 37 years old; she didn't have the time to wait until time is right. She was a fertility doctor after all. She knew how with every passing year her chances to conceive were slimming down.
But she quickly got her emotions back in check. If he felt like this, it could never work anyways.
Sawyer took his book and glasses with him to the bedroom, placing them on the nightstand by his side of the bed, just in case he couldn't sleep again.
Juliet got undressed and under the covers, while he kept his boxers and undershirt on when he got in.
As he leaned onto his side to turn off the lamp on his nightstand, she hugged him from behind, placing a few random kisses on his shoulder in the process.
"I'm sorry James." She wasn't exactly sure what she was apologizing for, but she didn't want to fight. She wanted to go back to the way they were when he first got home with that flower for her. She wanted to see that happy smile on his face. She wanted him to kiss her and make her forget their whole conversation.
"I'm sorry too." He said as he laid his head down onto his pillow.
When Sawyer closed his eyes Juliet began to snuggle into him and then started to kiss his neck.
"You need to shave." She mumbled under her breath in between kisses. Then her hand slithering underneath the blanket, reaching for the waistband of his boxers when Sawyer grabbed her hand and stopped her.
He turned his head to look at her in the dark room, "Phil woke me up at 3 am to get Horace out of that field. Don't be mad Sweetheart, but I'm really beat."
"Oh." Juliet almost stuttered, "Of course. I forgot you got up that early."
He kissed her softly on the lips.
"I love you James."
"Love you too. Night.", then he turned around to face the wall.
Juliet slung her arms around him, spooning him.
She couldn't help the feelings and thoughts that were creeping inside her head.
Was he acting this way because I wanted to have a baby?
And it was out of her hands where her mind was automatically going. She couldn't help but wonder how he would've reacted if it was Kate and not her.
Would he have wanted to have that baby with Kate if she hadn't lost it? Or would he have been the same way with her?
And what if time was never going to be right? What if they are stuck here forever, like Daniel seems to think we were, what then? After working with pregnant women for most of her life, and after all the babies she'd delivered in her real life off the island. After all of that, would she never be able to experience having a baby of her own? Would she never feel life growing inside of her? Was this here and now with him as good as it was ever going to get?
Sawyer felt her hot breaths seep through his undershirt on his back. He felt bad for turning her down like this, but he also knew it wouldn't be right. Not tonight. Not with Kate on his mind.
Having that talk with Horace brought it all back to him. Yeah, before today he'd have dreams about her, and images of her would come up in his mind every now and then when he'd talk to Jin about which grid to search next. But that had always been as far as he'd allow thoughts of her in his mind. He always just opted to ignore them and move on about his day. But tonight was different.
Horace had unbeknownst to him awaken something in Sawyer with his statement and question. 'It's only been three years Jim. Is that really long enough to get over someone?' Fuck, had it really been three damn years already?
He truly wished what he'd said to Horace was the truth. He wished three years was long enough. He wished he could let her go, once and for all and move on with Juliet. After all this time Juliet deserved that, she deserved better than being his second choice.
He wished he simple couldn't remember what she looked liked or felt liked or how she smelled. He wished he didn't remember her laugh, and that smile or how she tasted. He didn't want to dream of her and remember the feel of her skin on his, her kisses, her moans and that look of complete surrender in her eyes when they made love.
And to make matters worse, he knew that she'd loved him too. Despite all the running after the damn Doc, he knew she loved him ... she was the only person that had cared enough to give him a chance, time and again no matter how many times he'd tried to push her and everyone else away. She somehow always ended up by his side again. Sitting by his tent, taking care of him when he was injured ... and even after that fight about the baby, she somehow had still ended up right there next to him in that chopper, and he could just see how happy she was to get off the island, right until the moment when he jumped.
Sawyer sighed deeply and clutched Juliet's hand that was casually resting on his chest. The hand of the woman who'd had his back for the past three years, were as he'd known Kate for only three months back then. And once again he wished he could just forget all about Kate. He wished for that because maybe then his heart would stop aching every damn time Jin said that he'd found nothing and no one again.
And then Sawyer closed his eyes and for the first time in a very long time he actually prayed. Something he had done last time with his mother, when she put him to bed on the night that she died, before she came running back in and told him to hide. He hadn't prayed since, hadn't believed in it all anymore.
But now he clutched Juliet's hands to his heart and prayed that he'd somehow be able to let go of Kate. He prayed to god to let him let go of her so that he could truly and fully give his heart to Juliet, so that he could stop lying to himself and to her.
But then his heart pulled a cruel joke on him when it convinced him to rephrase that prayer in his head. A little voice inside his head kept telling him 'You don't really mean that ... take it back!' Nagging him, leaving him restless ... would he ever be able to fall asleep tonight?
So he rephrased that worthless prayer ... it wasn't going to work anyway, when had god ever helped him with anything ... but still, he rephrased it when he quickly added ...
... 'Let me let go and forget all about her or bring her back to me already!'
End Notes:
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