Disclaimer: Bioware owns all, except what I most humbly create. While, at times, I will take verbatim from the game, I mostly use the events of the Dragon Age games, expansions and universe as a loose structure around which to construct my re-imagined tale. If you are looking for a strict canon piece, I have no desire to offend, and so I warn you upfront!
When reading this tale, I hope you can easily imagine it being told by the very best of storytellers in Varric (from DA:2). In my version of events, Varric meets "The Hero" (my Elissa Cousland) in Kirkwall during the time period of DA:2. I mention this only so that readers can understand his connection along the way, and so I don't have to mention and rehash it again and again as I make my way through the tale.
A/N: One last round lakeside.
Antivan Translation: The Grizzly Shadow
Thanks to my readers, followers and reviewers and to my ladies beta artemiskat and Snarkoleptic.
Happy Reading!
-Frayed One
Chapter Twenty-Five: Healing Old Wounds and Carving New
Anders took a moment to return to his quarters and tug on some dry robes, giving Elissa time to tend to her own saturated state before returning her focus to Jowan. When she responded to his soft knock at her door, only her damp hair revealed anything of their time outside in the storm.
The light in Elissa's room made it all too easy to see the damage done to the mage lying on her bed, despite of the layers of filth which concealed the worst of his injuries. Anders could see her starting to falter again the moment they turned in his direction and scrambled to find the words to ease her conscience.
"I could cast a small sleep spell on him if you'd like. It would get him through the worst of the debridement and disinfecting we're going to need to do before I can make any attempt to bandage and heal him properly."
She rubbed at her temples for a moment, contemplating the offer and watching Jowan roll restlessly as he slept. "No… I can't help but think that's almost worse in the end. If he's to stay asleep for the process, I'd rather it be of his own accord or because he asked you to send him there. I don't want to be yet another person who has manipulated the natural order of things to… manage… him."
Elissa retrieved the basin, pulling the cloth out of the water and grimacing when she realized it had now gone cold. Anders didn't wait for her to ask; he simply pulled a small bit of flame into the palm of his hand and submerged it long enough to heat the liquid back to a more comfortable temperature. She squeezed his hand and smiled gratefully, making her way to sit again at Jowan's side.
She glanced down at the wrist she had been working on before, altering her focus to his face instead. She brushed the hair back from his forehead and cheek as gently as she could manage, running the wet cloth from his eyebrow down over the pronounced curve of his cheekbone and ending on his jaw.
"Is that?" Anders' voice was shocked, and she felt herself shaking in response to it.
"I'd thought it was dirt, but yes… it's all bruising."
She dipped the cloth back into the water and wrung it out, making another pass across his face to reveal the full extent of damage done. Not one blow but many would have been required to create discoloration this expansive. She was surprised any of the bones on that side of his face remained intact and doubted his features would ever return fully to their unbroken state.
When Jowan started to open his eyes, Elissa tensed, snapping her guilty hand back like a child caught stealing. Anders watched the look pass across her face that told him she was fighting down her own urge to run in the face of this, and pressed a subtle hand against her back to remind her she did not stand on this precipice alone.
When the mage's eyes were fully opened, they found hers and lingered there in silence. Elissa waited for him to flinch away from her and cast the blame she knew she deserved, but it didn't come. Instead he rolled forward and collapsed across her lap, wrapping his arms around her waist and sobbing into her linen covered thigh.
"Y-you came… you…"
Elissa sat motionless, caught completely off guard by the outpouring of relief when she'd expected hate or at the very least fear. She had no idea what to do, turning eyes wide with confusion up toward Anders who merely nodded in her direction.
She settled her hands lightly against Jowan, stroking her fingers gently through his hair echoing a memory. Oriana had used the same motion to calm her own fears many years before. She carried the gesture down against his back, willing herself not to physically respond when she could feel the bones in his spine distinctly pronounced beneath her fingers.
"Of course I did… I'm only sorry I didn't come sooner."
"Cullen… that was you, wasn't it?" Jowan sat up slowly, taking note of Anders' presence behind her though he said nothing with regard to it. "He never said directly…"
"Cullen's decision to watch over you was of his own choosing. I cannot take credit for that, much as I would like to. I merely used the information he provided to formulate a plan for your extraction." Elissa watched Jowan's eyes go a bit wider as her words started to sink in.
"My extraction? Then I'm out? I'm…. I'm free?"
"Not free, exactly. But you will never have to go back to that place. On that you have my word." She fought to keep her features neutral, knowing that once again the freedom she offered was just as likely to kill, as it was to liberate. "I am Warden-Commander of Ferelden now. I used that title to recruit you. If you submit yourself to our Joining, I will welcome you among the ranks of the Grey Wardens."
His eyes passed up to Anders then, something falling into place in his mind. "That's how you stayed out this time. You were recruited?"
"Actually, this vixen conscripted me right out from under that lunatic, Rylock. I wish you could have seen the look on her face." Anders beamed at the memory, noting that Elissa put aside her stress long enough to gloat a bit at the thought of that victory. "In the end, it's the same though. I'm a Warden now and as close to free as I'm ever likely to be."
"I can't imagine why you'd want to recruit me after everything I've done." Jowan faltered, falling back against the headboard and pinning guilty eyes to his dirty fingertips. "I'd imagine a maleficar who poisoned the king's uncle isn't high on the list of potential recruits for a legendary order of heroes."
"Heroes…" the disdain Elissa had for that word dripped as she used it, and forced her to press her lips into a thin line before speaking again. "The measure of a man is not nearly so black and white as that term would make them out to be. We are all capable of just as much good as we are evil. I am no more immune to this than you. It is a simple fact of our existence as living, breathing, thinking beings. You and I both know you are no more a maleficar than I am a chantry sister. I think you are far more suitable for our ranks than you believe."
"You'd trust me not to poison you or taint your mind with blood magic?" Jowan asked, brow furrowed when the look on Anders face said he couldn't entirely make that allowance.
"You'd trust me not to send you back off to be tortured, starved and sodomized for nearly a year?" Elissa watched him withdraw physically, hoping the harsh words she had chosen did more to push her point than cause further injury. "We are both guilty of using poor judgment in our pasts, Jowan. I am willing to forgive your faults. The only question here is can you forgive mine?"
Jowan paused in silence, inspecting her with careful eyes and weighing his options, which weren't all that numerous. Fearing that the man was actually leaning toward not forgiving her, and seeing the toll that was taking on Elissa's already fraught emotional state, Anders added his own opinions to the mix.
"What she's offering you, beyond a shot at your own redemption – which in and of itself should be more than enough to sell you on the idea – is the closest thing to freedom you and I are ever likely to know. It's more than most mages get by a long shot. If I were you I'd take the offer."
"I'm not hesitating because I-I…" Jowan's eyes narrowed a bit at the other mage's insinuation. "She's seen the worst of me and you… you don't even like me. Why would either of you risk anything on my behalf?"
Elissa hesitated, searching for the words she needed to best communicate her sincerity, but before she could open her mouth to speak them – Anders had already begun.
"Because it's the right thing to do."
"And beyond that…" Elissa smiled as she took Anders' hand, unbelievably proud of just how far he'd come from those first trembling steps that brought him within eyesight of the tower. "Everyone should be given a shot at redemption, Jowan. I cannot undo all that you have suffered over these months in the wake of my grievous mistake, but I can promise that with me it will never happen again. One way or another, your life as a victim of the Chantry's blasphemy ends here."
His eyes flicked down to the comfortable way that the pair in front of him drew support from the most subtle of touches and he could not help but wish for even a modicum of that security as his own.
"I am yours, if you will have me."
"Absolutely." Elissa's smile was brilliant when she offered her free hand, palm open. She breathed a sigh of relief when he finally reciprocated the gesture before setting them all back in motion with a subtle tilt of her head. "Now, let's see if we can't get you cleaned and healed and into some proper clothes, shall we?"
Jowan nodded, feeling completely at ease for the first time in longer than he could remember and watching as his new companions set about preparing him a bath and requesting that an assortment of food and beverage be sent up to the room for afterward.
The group spent several days in or on the grounds of The Spoiled Princess, waiting for Jowan to recover enough of his strength to make Elissa comfortable in traveling with him. They had no horses, having lost them in the Wending Wood weeks before, and so the journey would take longer than she would have preferred no matter how she looked at it.
Once on the road, she established as vigorous a pace as she dared, having no desire to tax the still-healing mage by pushing him harder than he was physically capable of managing. She'd already watched him go far beyond his own limits in order to please her, and struggled to find the words to properly explain to him that beyond a general willingness to follow orders and not make direct efforts to harm or kill her and the rest of her companions, she required little of the man other than seeing to his own rehabilitation.
It was during her rumination on this very issue that Nathaniel sought out a conversation for the first time since they'd parted ways outside her chamber door several days prior.
"Have you a moment to talk?" the gravelly timbre of his voice jolted her out of her thoughts and drew her attention as he settled his pace to match her strides.
"As long as you don't mind walking while we do it."
"No, walking is fine. It's probably better…" He turned his grey eyes away from her, hands falling into a loose clasp behind his back. The motion was unusual and very telling on Nathaniel.
"Why am I suddenly certain you're about to ruin my day?" Her eyes narrowed on him, flicking back for a moment to land on Velanna in whose company he'd been most likely to be found while they lazed about the lakeside inn.
He'd caught the motion as he turned back to her, noting where her mind had instinctually gone and forcing himself not to chuckle in response. Laughing at the flare of jealousy wouldn't do him any favors, especially in light of the conversation he was now left to manage.
"Because I probably am, though it would appear not in the way you are imagining."
"Ah, so you haven't come to confess to me your undying love for scantily clad elven harpies?" Elissa snickered, arching an eyebrow with her smile.
"No, not unless you would care to confess your undying love for oversexed blonde men who wear dresses?" He quirked a smile of his own, listening to the pop of her tongue against her teeth as his jab hit home.
"Touché." She turned her eyes forward with a sigh, rubbing at her face for a moment and then bracing herself for whatever it was her angsty archer did have to speak of. "Well, out with it then. If I'm to be pissed then, I'd rather just have on with it than sit here wondering what you've done and not told me this time."
"You're assuming an awful lot about what's brought me to you." Nathaniel noted, irritation leaking into his words though he fought against it.
"Am I?" she snorted, green eyes locking onto him and daring him to deny her assertion. "If my assumption is incorrect then please, Nathaniel, do enlighten me."
His hesitation spoke volumes.
"That's what I thought. Now get on with it. You're already trying my patience and you haven't even spoken of whatever it is yet."
For a moment he considered putting it off again, but the longer he watched her and sensed the growing tension communicating into him through the conduit, the more clear it became that he was now forced to finish what he started.
"I need to speak with you about what you saw in the Circle prison. More specifically, how it relates to me…"
"To you? How could anything in the Circle relate to…" Her words trailed off immediately after interrupting him, something in the intellectual center of her brain locking into place when the pieces started to fall together. "Is this about your previously hidden blade skills?"
"In a way." It was all he could manage before his throat caught at the look in her eyes with even the partial knowledge that the man in front of her, the man she had once known and loved, could have any sort of connection to the horrors perpetrated in those dark cells.
"In what way?"
"Have you ever heard mention of the name El Sombra Cinzenta?"
She stopped walking, entire body tensed up once the whole of it had passed his lips. He'd hoped for a moment that she wouldn't have known of it in spite of The Assassin's admission to the same, but all that was dashed as she spun in his direction.
"That name is used in connection with an exceptionally prolific - and if Zevran and Ignacio are to be believed, the most vicious torturer and killer in all the Free Marches! That name is notorious and feared even among the Antivan Crows – and you can trust me when I say they count no saints in their rank." She'd completely invaded his personal space now, heat radiating off of her body as she searched through his eyes for any hint he was lying. "Are you telling me this… this… monster… El Sombra Cinzenta is you?
"Why! Why would you do these things? The man I l…" she glossed over the near slip of a word she was nowhere near ready to say even without their current circumstances, pacing away from him and digging her fingers into her hair in frustration before charging back when something else flared to life in the corners of her mind. "Did you have anything to do with what happened to my family?"
It was exactly what Nathaniel feared she would conclude with his admission, and so he did nothing when she slammed him bodily against a nearby tree, dagger now drawn and at his throat for what seemed like the hundredth time. "Answer me now, and know I will read if you are lying – and if you are lying you and I will go off into the forest and see how well I can measure up to your legend. I was too angry to take my time with your father – but if you played any role in the slaughter at Highever, no matter how small, I assure you I will rectify that mistake with you."
There was no hesitation in her words, nothing in her eyes or the willingly open conduit that could allow him to hide behind the illusion that she was merely speaking to him in anger. She meant every word, and if he was unable to convince her of his innocence there was now no doubt in his mind that the vengeance she would wreak on him would pale in comparison to those things he had done in the shadowy corners and back rooms of another land.
"I had nothing to do with what happened to your family, Elissa. If I'd known the full details, I'd have seen to Father myself. Your family was more precious to me than my own in many ways. I would never have been a party to their slaughter."
Elissa inspected him closely, growling low in her throat and pushing away when she was convinced his words held nothing but truth. As she paced away she noticed that the rest of the group had staggered to a stop just out of range and now stood watching their exchange through fearful eyes.
"Not mad! Just angry!" Elissa yelled, waving her blade about in frustration before sheathing it and stalking back up the road. The light footfalls at her side told her that Nathaniel followed and she forced herself to resist the urge to spout off any number of profanities at him until he went away.
"We can't just leave it like this." Nathaniel insisted, pausing in the hope that she would agree, but she offered him nothing. "I need to know that you're okay with this… that we're…"
"You expect me to be okay with you having spent the years we were apart doing Maker only knows what to any number of… victims… on your father's behalf?" She snorted, shaking her head at the absurdity of his request. "I'd suggest not holding your breath while you wait for that to happen."
"Zevran was an Antivan Crow, Elissa! You've just recounted in your own words the things of which those men are capable! How is it you can manage to find it in your heart to forgive him but you cannot see your way to the same end with me?" He was furious now; and not only with himself. Her unwillingness to bend was illogical.
"Because, Nathaniel, I have never been in love with Zevran. I have never looked into his soul and seen a future within which I so desperately wanted to belong." Her voice was shaking with every word and he could feel the shift in emotion when she passed through fury and into pain. "You ask how I cannot find it my heart… my heart is the root of it. I give it to you only to have it ripped apart. I patch it up and try again only to have you slide the blade in deeper… and now you twist it… and I…"
She stopped and turned toward him, eyes glistening with tears sheer will kept from falling. "I cannot search for something in a place you demolish with your every confession. I cannot conjure up emotion out of thin air. I cannot… I cannot even look at you right now and not see Rendon having a bloody last laugh from beyond the grave."
She turned away from him and continued down the road, shoulders fallen and stride completely broken by sorrow. "I will do everything I can to repair this new fracture, Nathaniel… but that is the most I can promise you. Until then, piss off."