Chapter 6: Investigation
"OK class, I am now going to do the register." Mr Garrison announced. "However, due to safety precautions over this Kira business, everyone is required to wear Chewbacca costumes, including myself. Therefore, we will communicate with Wookie calls. Grr!"
"Grr!"
"Grr!"
"Grr!"
"Grr!"
"Grr!"
"Grr!"
"Timmy!"
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"Herro, wercome to Shidy Wok, may I take your order, preesh?"
"Hey, Japanese Billy! I'd like some City Beef, some City Chicken, and the contents of your cash register!" Grandpa Marsh said, as he aimed a shotgun at Mr Lu Kim.
"How dare you shay I come from a Japan! I am proud man of Korea! Get out!"
"Listen here, you little pecker, I want my food dammit!"
"Go back to Country Kitchen Buffet where you berong! Maybe dere you can rearn to be more porite!"
"Screw politeness, I'm a senior!"
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Meanwhile, back at the plot, Mr Tweak had taken his son to the police station to tell them what he knew.
"Eric Cartman was pressuring me into buying a book he said could kill people, then when he threw it to me… Oh God!"
"What happened son?" Mr Tweak prompted.
"A demon appeared from nowhere!"
"Interesting." Sergeant Yates said. "We can assume Kira is using this book to kill people, but the next step will be to figure out who or what this demon is, and how it fits in to the picture. What do you think, Barbrady?"
"I NOW KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH MY EX-WIFE! WERE I TO ACQUIRE THE BOOK, I COULD USE IT TO KILL EVERYONE WHO HAS EVER WRONGED ME! DOHOHOHOHOHO!"
"Barbrady, you're talking aloud about your desire to kill your ex-wife again."
"OH. SORRY ABOUT THAT!"
"Do you have any ideas what we could do next, Tweek?" Sergeant Yates asked.
"Gah!"
"Calm down, Tweek. There's no pressure on you to get this right. Just try your best."
"What? So, you mean… no… pressure?"
"None at all."
"I've never been this relaxed when people are paying attention to me before." Tweek giggled. "Anyway, maybe it would be an idea to find a harmless criminal, someone who's so small time, even Kira would consider killing them a waste of time, then getting them to act as an informant for us."
"You know what, that's actually a great idea, kid!" Yates shook Tweek's hand vigorously. "Barbrady, find South Park's worst criminal and get them on our side!"
"YOUR UPPANCE SHALL COME SOON, MY EX-WIFE! SOON, I SAY!"
"Barbrady!"
"WAS I DOING THAT THING I DO AGAIN?"
"Yes, yes you were. Maybe you should consider seeing a therapist."
"Good job, Tweek." Mr Tweak congratulated his son. "Let's hope you're on to something here, otherwise you'll be arrested for wasting police time and sent to prison, where the inmates will use you as a crude form of currency and have their way with you sexually."
"Oh my Christ!"
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"Stan, Kyle, thank you for coming." Kenny said. "Would you like a pop tart?"
"Yes please." Both replied.
"You wouldn't be saying that if you ate pop tarts as often as I do." Kenny added. "To business. I am Kira."
"What? Why would you do such a thing?" Stan asked.
"Is this why you're not wearing the hood anymore?" Kyle added.
"To answer your questions, it's because I'm sick of dying painfully before coming back the next day and not having anyone acknowledge that the Crab People beheaded me the previous afternoon, so I want to be the one doing the killing for once, and yes."
"What would Karen think about this? She looks up to you, dude." Kyle said.
"She's fine with it." Kenny replied. "I just had to explain it to her in a way that she'd be able to understand what I was doing. I'm making a better world for us, and I want to be able to do that for as long as possible."
"What are you getting at?" Stan said.
"My access to police records is becoming increasingly limited. I don't want to force my access, else I'll look suspicious. Ryuk here has the solution."
"Who's Ryuk?"
"He's right here, next to… Wait, you haven't touched the notebook have you? I'll get you acquainted." At that, Kenny got up and pushed the book at Stan and Kyle.
"It's been a while." Ryuk stretched before tucking into an apple flavoured pop tart.
"Sorry about the pop tarts, that's the best I can do." Kenny said.
"Don't mention it. As Light…"
"Kenny."
"I mean, Kenny was saying, he wants to stick around a while. My Shinigami Eyes will allow him to see people's names above their heads, at the cost of half his life. He isn't willing to pay that, so you're doing it for him."
"What?" Kyle gasped.
"No way!" Stan shouted
"I thought you would say that. I am familiar with both your families. If you refuse, then I guess I could bend my rules a little bit, if you know what I mean."
"Grandpa would thank you for it." Stan said.
"Which is why I was planning on sparing him. It would be just the two of you together. "Hey Billy, why am I being made to live for so long? Shoot me like a man, you pussy! Just make sure to aim for somewhere non-fatal so that I can die naturally of blood loss!" That sounds like a barrel of fun, don't you think?"
Kyle sighed. "It looks like we don't have much of a choice. We'll…"
The phone rang. Kenny went to answer the phone.
"Billy, is that you?"
"It's for you, Stan."
"Kira says he's not going to kill you Grandpa."
"God damn these supernatural serial killers with their warped sense of morality! All I want is to die naturally of a heart attack brought on by an external force! Is that too much to ask?"
Stan put the phone down on his grandfather's inane rambling.
"It's a shame that the atmosphere was ruined." Kenny muttered. "Ready, Ryuk?"
"Am I ever!"