Yes/No

"When I saw you I fell in love, and you smiled because you knew. "

Shakespeare's Hamlet, Act II, Scene II.

Dear Diary,

Every morning when I wake these are the first words I hear in my head:

"Emma, you are the one; You always have been. Truth is, I feel like I've had to stop myself from doing this from the second I first saw you. The first time I held this hand, it felt like I had held it a million times before, like somehow it's always been here. Life is messy, it just is and I know that's hard for you, but that's why you have me, to balance things out. But you have to realize, you do that for me too, everyday. Loving you, and being loved by you makes everything better. I love you with everything I am, and everything I ever hope to be. So, Emma Pillsbury, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?"

Yes! Yes! OH YES! I can't stop smiling and crying! Will wakes up and finds me staring at him with tears in my eyes. He pulls me to him and asks, 'Are you still crying over my proposal? And I nod and tell him they're tears of happiness and kiss him and go to get up but he pulls me back to him and Will says 'it's been a week' and I say but it was SO PERFECT. I say 'Let's not go to work today, let's just lie like this, feeling this perfect, happy feeling forever.' And he says, 'Mmmm. I'd love to but ringing in sick for another week might look a bit suspicious.'

I need the help of poets to express how happy I feel and how much love I have for Will.

So what prompted my man into action? I guess I did. It began the day last week when Shannon told me that she and Cooter had eloped! She was eating two chickens in celebration.

'I don't think Will wants to marry me.' I told her.

'Oh for God's sake Amelia, it's 2012, if you want to marry Will Schuester, ask him!' instructed Sue.

Well, I suppose I could. I have had that song 'Wedding Bell Blues' going on in my head for some time now. it describes how I feel perfectly, there is not one day since we met that I haven't loved Will only but it's not romantic if I have to ask. It's not how it's done in fairytales, but then again in how many fairytales does the princess have OCD? Maybe I should ask? I looked to Shannon for reassurance. She nodded in agreement with Sue, so I turned to look at Will and felt this surge of overwhelming desire to be married to him. I started singing 'Wedding Bell Blues' in my head….so perfect that Bill rhymes with Will, the song could have been written for us! I do hear carousels in his voice, I see the passion he has for me in his eyes, there hasn't been a single day I haven't loved him only. Suddenly I had images of him and I looking like a fairy tale prince and princess upon a giant wedding cake, ending our wedding dance with a monumental kiss to end all kisses. Sue and Shannon were doing back up vocals for me…not sure they're part of my ideal wedding day, but they looked good in blue with a touch of Princess Beatrice and Princess Eugenie about them. Marry me Will! Unfortunately I believe I sang those last three words out loud to Will and his two companions at the lunch table. All three of them looked at me questioningly.

'Emma, did you just ask me to marry you?'

OMG. So embarrassed. 'NO!' No, no, no, this is not how it's meant to be. Where is the romance in this? In fairytales the prince does the asking. What if he says 'no'. I beat a hasty retreat.

I didn't say any more about it that night and neither did Will, but I did catch him looking at me with a bemused look over dinner. I started singing in my head again, 'Oh my man, I love him so…'

Will didn't say anything about getting married. I couldn't understand it, our communication has been so open and honest with each other, I know he loves me, he knows I love him. Even though I'd denied it, I had told him I was ready to get married and yet…where was his proposal? What had happened to my man of action? Was he getting cold feet? Maybe he needed my feelings to be made more explicit? Diary, if truth be told, I had been ready to marry him from the day I saw him: It was my first day at McKinley and I was just inserting my name into it's holder outside my office door when I heard a voice say 'Welcome to McKinley…Ms Pillsbury', I turned to see the most handsome face I'd ever seen do a double take and smile at me. I smiled back. I've never had my whole body react so physically to anyone. I couldn't tear my eyes away, my insides were doing cartwheels and my knees had suddenly turned to jelly.

My opportunity arose a few days later. I was meticulously cleaning the baubles off the Christmas tree while mulling over Sue's words 'just ask him' when Will walked in. Will commented that I'd been taking down the tree since New Year's Day. I decided to take the plunge and asked him to take a seat.

'You know how we're always talking about moving towards marriage and nothing ever really happens. Well, I mean Sue said I should be all liberated and ask you to marry me (Will laughed. Typical Sue, but that's not in my 'fairytale') but umm, do you want to be with me?…I mean as your wife?

Then….

Oh my heart, my heart. The pain was unbearable. Diary, can you see me through these tears that still fall at the mere memory? How can words cut sharper than knives?

'Of course, I do…'

'But?'

'I love you. You know that. But what if we get married? What happens when we have a house? And a baby. How are you going to handle spit up on your special Wednesday sweater? Sweetheart you can't control another person. What if it's all just too much?'

I was momentarily stumped by his revelation, where was this coming from?

'I..I mean I've been taking my medication. You know some days are great. Some days not so great. But I…I'm, I mean I'm doing the best I can. I'm doing everything…'

'I know you are, I know you are and it's not your fault that you have this disease but sometimes it just seems so hopeless.' (Will closed his eyes as if regretting this last word).

That word hit me like a slap across the face, like an arrow piercing my heart. All this time Will has given me unfailing strength to fight my OCD and now he suddenly tells me he feels it's 'hopeless?' No! This isn't the Will I know. I was taken aback by his revelation but I held it together and I responded with absolute honesty and for once in my life balanced what was in my head and heart.

'Well, ok. Can I promise you that I'm going to get better? No. This is what you get. This, this incomplete person with toothbrushes and rubber gloves and so much love for you but if that's not what you want then you need to be honest with me and yourself. And the sooner the better.' I couldn't stop the tears after that.

I left him sitting at the table. Diary, I am an independent and strong woman but love lives beyond the boundaries of feminist theory and reason. My heart is Will's to break and should he break it, I will NEVER EVER love again.

After a LONG shower, cleaning the faucets with a toothbrush and wiping every drop of water off the bath and basin and mopping and drying the floor twice I came out of the bathroom to find Will sitting on the bed. He took my hand and stared at it.

'You're not incomplete', he said, with tears in his eyes.

I sat down next to him and looked at our joined hands. 'Why? Why so indecisive now, after all this time?'

'After you asked me the other day, to marry you, I realised you were ready and I thought I was ready, so I asked your parents' permission to marry you, I thought you'd want that. They were less than enthusiastic. Your father ….'

'Said, forget about having children and why would you want to inflict my OCD on yourself?'

Will looked at me.

'You need to decide then.' I withdrew my hand and got into bed. Will went to take a shower. When he came to bed, I pretended to be asleep. It didn't stop him from kissing me goodnight and wrapping his arm around me. I slipped my hand over his and allowed a tear to roll silently on to my pillow. I'm not sure either of us slept.

I tried so hard to stay calm. I woke up the next morning feeling miserable. I went straight to the turquoise section of my wardrobe in an attempt to soothe and control my emotions. I hadn't worn turquoise since the day I ended my marriage to Carl. I couldn't bear it. I was doing everything I could to get on top of my OCD. Were my father's words giving Will cold feet after all this time? Or after months of living together, was the reality of my OCD too hard for him to live with? Was this his way of giving me a reality check? Was I ready to face the reality of the next stage in our relationship? Sex, children, messy things? As he said, I won't have any control. I am, I am ready. There are days when I wake up thinking my battle with OCD is all too hard but then I look at Will and think how far I've come and I know have to keep trying. My motivation is him and creating a life with him.

Will and I drove to school, mostly in silence. We were both miserable. I stayed in my office all day, battling the compulsion to clean. I looked at the poster on my wall that was meant to inspire the kids, 'Dreams are achievable'. Not if you have OCD they're not. I ripped it off the wall. It didn't make me feel better. I didn't want to see anyone. I couldn't concentrate on anything and I finally gave in and headed to the teacher's lounge. I went via the choir room. I don't know why. I could hear Rachel belting out 'Without You.' Yep, that song summed up my feelings exactly. I continued to the teacher's lounge and furiously started scrubbing a jug then threw down the toothbrush in frustration; frustration at the control my OCD has over me, frustration at the thought of my OCD being the cause of losing Will; frustration at Will's indecisiveness. Then fear set in. Fear that if I lose him, I will be alone forever because 1. I will never get over this OCD and 2. It will take the remainder of this life and the next to piece my broken heart together. I can't win without him.

I decided I had to be realistic about the situation. So I got some new pamphlets made to help me deal with losing Will: 'So You're a Spinster', 'Dying Alone' and 'Happily Never After'. I was just putting them on display when there was a knock at the door. I didn't want to see anyone. I reluctantly turned around. It was Will. 'Have you got a sec?' He asked me. I looked at him with wariness as he stood there at my office door with his outstretched hand. What did he want? Was this it? Was this him telling me it was over? I looked at his hand. It would lead me to misery or happiness. I took his hand. Neither of us said a word.

As we walked down the corridor, Rihanna's 'We Found Love' could be heard through the intercom and some students and Sue and Shannon were there with white roses which they handed to me as Will lead me past. Were they a peace offering? Was this Will saying 'Sorry.' Or… judging by the look on Shannon's face and Sue's…was this a PROPOSAL? Will's hand kept a firm grasp on mine as he lead me out to the swimming pool. We paused in the entrance and looked around – it was full of kids in red, white and blue1950's style swimsuits. 'This is all for you,' is all he said. Then he lead me to a raised chair by the pool and said, 'Don't move, I'll be back.'

The next thing I knew, the song I'd heard in the school building came back on and Rachel and Santana were singing to me and the other Glee kids were jumping in the pool – even Artie and his wheelchair went in! They were all synchronized and it was like something out of an Ethel Merman movie and then Will appeared in top hat and tails, like a white knight, walking on water! He dove into the water and lifted himself out at my feet. Then he proposed. The most perfect speech, the symbolism of his diving into the water, the disinfecting smell of chlorine – how could I say no? I was lost for words. All I could manage was 'I love you so much' and 'yes, yes, yes!' Before I burst into tears, overwhelmed with relief, surprise and HAPPINESS.

We talked and talked about his proposal that night. I said, 'White roses, white tuxedo, water, music, the effort, the element of surprise, the romance of it all – it could not have been any more thoughtful in it's desire to be perfect for ME! It was clean, pure, romantic. Like all handsome princes, you ensured my dream came true and you topped it off with your perfectly articulated feelings for me and the revelation of the impact I've had on you since day one.'

'It had to be perfect for you.'

'It was.'

'Did you like 'We found Love'?

'Yes, yes!'

'I know you like older songs, but I thought the lyrics summed us up; we were kind of in a hopeless place and now we stand side by side, equal partners.

'I loved it, loved it!'

'How did you get the kids on board?'

'It wasn't hard, the girls love romance and the boys like a challenge. Their mission for the week was to come up with a proposal idea. The girls wanted, (Will started singing) 'The first time, ever I saw your face, I thought the sun rose in your eyes and the moon and the stars were the gifts you gave…' The boys wanted 'Moves Like Jagger' (Will started doing his sexy dance moves around me) but I thought, getting all hot and sweaty in a dance number might trigger the wrong response. Then Rachel delivered 'Without You' which summed up exactly how I've felt this week, 'paralysed without you' but I wanted a song that was more celebratory than overwrought, as Artie described it. Finally Sam came up to me and told me about the synchronized swimming team he's joined and how we could do a swimming dance number. I said, 'Like an Esther Williams movie.' He said, 'I have no idea what they are, but yeah.' I said, Ms Pillsbury likes retro clothing, could you wear retro swimsuits?' 'Sure, I'll ask Kurt and Mercedes to help me find some.' Then I asked him if there was a routine we could use, that the Glee kids could fit into without too much practise? Can we have it ready by tomorrow afternoon, or the next day, tops? He said, 'Sure, as long as the pool is free.' We couldn't wait a week. I could see the agony you were in and I felt terrible suspending my proposal. I heard 'We Found Love' on the radio on the drive home a couple of week's back and it made me think of us….and well, you know the rest.'

'I can't believe you persuaded Sue to be involved.'

'She's a surprising woman.'

I drew his face to mine. Thank you. It was perfect.