Chapter 8: Climax
"We're here, Kira. Show yourself." Sergeant Yates said as he entered the Genetic Research Facility, accompanied by Officer Barbrady and Tweek. Professor Chaos had declined the invitation, partly due to Kira's threat and partly due to the fact that he had now returned to his villainous ways, so there was no chance that he would ever willingly help do-gooders.
"What if it's a trap?" Tweek panicked.
"IT CAN'T BE A TRAP!" Barbrady insisted. "IT WOULD BE AWFULLY RUDE OF KIRA TO TELL US TO COME SEE HIM, THEN KILL US ONCE WE ARRIVE!"
"Where's the doctor? Surely he's around here somewhere?"
"Don't worry about Mephisto, officers. He won't be disturbing us." Kenny chose this moment to reveal himself, accompanied by Stan, Kyle and Ryuk, the latter of whom could only be seen by Tweek.
"Gah! The demon's back! I told you it was a trap!" Tweek bolted out of the laboratory, leaving the others to gaze bemusedly.
"What do his parents do to him?" Sergeant Yates said to himself.
"I BELIEVE THAT HIS MOTHER CONSUMED TOO MUCH COFFEE WHILE SHE WAS PREGNANT WITH HIM, RESULTING IN JITTERY BEHAVIOUR FOLLOWING HIS BIRTH. SUCH HABITS MIGHT ALSO HAVE EXACERBATED POTENTIAL LEARNING DIFFICULTIES OR MENTAL DISORDERS. OF COURSE, IT DOESN'T HELP THAT HIS PARENTS INSIST ON GIVING HIM COFFEE TO CALM HIS NERVES. IF THEY HIT HIM WITH A CAT SWUNG BY THE TAIL EVERY MORNING, HE WOULDN'T BE SO MESSED UP!"
There was a long silence, which Stan eventually broke.
"What?"
Sergeant Yates cut across before Barbrady could repeat himself.
"That's not important! Where's Mephisto?"
"He's not dead, if that's what you're worried about." Kenny said.
"We brought you here because Mephisto is out of town, working on Terra Nova." Kyle added.
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"Dammit, Mephisto! Why did you blow our budget on a 19 assed Tyrannosaurus?"
"I apologise, Mr Spielberg. It's an old hobby of mine."
"Your hobby got us cancelled!"
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"Now that the pleasantries are out of the way, let us go ahead with what I brought you all here to..." Officer Barbrady raised his hand.
"What is it, Barbrady?"
"COULD YOU KILL MY EX-WIFE WITH THAT FIRST, PLEASE?"
"No."
"OH, POOPY. PRETTY PLEASE?"
Everyone in the room jumped when a loud slam was heard. Tweek had returned with backup.
"There they are!" Tweek pointed at Kenny.
"Holy smokes Ned, it's Kira!" Jimbo cocked his gun.
"mmmm I'm scared." Ned did the same.
"Who are these people, Tweek? Just for that, I'll kill you first." Kenny put his pen to the book.
"Oh Jesus!"
"He's coming right for us!" Jimbo shouted and fired.
"mmmm Let's thin out their numbers." Ned started shooting too.
Stan and Kyle leapt to the sides as a volley of bullets blew Kenny to bits.
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"Oh my god, they killed Kira!" Ryuk gasped.
"This sort of thing happens a lot." Stan said.
"He'll be better next week. He's always better next week. Apart from that one time when he was really ill and he was gone for a year. Didn't he move away or something?" Kyle added.
"What about Cartman. Will he come back?" Stan asked.
"I don't know." Tweek said.
"You two really saved our hides." Sergeant Yates thanked Jimbo and Ned.
"Happy to be of service." Jimbo replied jovially.
"One more thing." Yates said. "Your friend said to thin out their numbers. There was only one Kira there, right?"
"He wasn't referring to Kira." Jimbo answered. "We're actually hunting the most dangerous game. Tell them, Ned."
"mmmman."
"How are these two hicks not in prison?" Ryuk said.
"Time forgot about them. As far as we know, they will wander the Earth forever, never aging but always remaining veterans of Vietnam. They should be in their sixties by now." Stan said.
"Which reminds me, you should be going back to the Shinigami Realm." Kyle picked up the Death Note and handed it to Ryuk.
"Goodbye, everyone who can see me. I'll be back on Earth next time I get bored." Ryuk said.
"If he's anything like me, that'll be twenty minutes!" Tweek said.
Everyone in the room started to laugh, stopping only when a beam of light shot into Ryuk, vapourising him and the Death Note.
"WHAT WAS THAT!" Barbrady shouted. He and Yates could not see Ryuk, so it appeared to them that the beam stopped in midair.
A mechanised suit of armour flew into the room and lowered its visor, revealing the pilot to be Jesus.
"Sorry I'm late. My followers left me in a cave near Stark's Pond after the Jesus and Pals incident. Luckily for me, there was a box of scraps inside, so I used my carpentry skills to put this together." Jesus said.
"How did you destroy Ryuk?" Kyle asked. "We were told that weapons could not kill a Shinigami, but the only thing that could was a Shinigami using the Death Note to extend the life of someone they loved."
"Bitch, I'm Jesus. I can do whatever the Heaven I want." Jesus replied.