On My Way
'At any given moment you have the power to say this is not how it's going to end.'
Dear Diary,
It seems Bullying came to visit everyone this week. It began with some show choir 'terrorism' from one of The Warblers called Sebastion. He has created a nude photo of Finn and given him a most unflattering penis. He gave Rachel 24 hours to drop out of Regionals or he threatened to post it on the internet.
Rachel came to Will with the photo. Will got on the phone to Dalton Academy telling them they need to get some control over their kids. Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, the internet as a whole, the pressure to protect your reputation is so much worse than when we were kids. And kids can sling their hatred and mud anonymously and therefore feel safe doing it. Sebastion hasn't been anonymous though. He's proud that everyone knows it's him. He wants the attention – probably ignored by his parents.
Will told the kids that 'the more successful you get the more garbage people are going to make up about you. People love to tear you down.' The Glee kids weren't satisfied with just a phone call to Dalton. They're sick and tired of The Warbler's bullying, especially after what happened to Blaine. Rachel insists on performing. Finn is devastated that she would allow him to be humiliated. But Rachel is right, you can't let lowlife, bullying behaviour dictate the result. Everyone knows the photo has been photoshopped – it's not really Finn. As Will said, it's just garbage. If anything it's more telling about Sebastion than Finn.
Then it was my turn to confront the bully that is my OCD. Will went for a run and came back all sweaty. He gulped down a glass of water and turned to me. I didn't like the look in his eye.
'We've been working towards this. We have to take the exposure to the next level.'
I looked at his sweat-drenched tshirt in disgust and shook my head. 'My stomach doesn't feel good, I feel sick. Maybe I'm getting my period.'
'It's your brain telling you that.' He walked over to me and unbuttoned my cardigan and slid it off me, placing it on the table. Then he lifted his tshirt over his head and put it on a chair. I looked at his arms and chest, glowing with sweat. He smelt sweaty but, I thought, not in a bad way…in fact it was kind of appealing. I took off my shirt.
I ran my hands down his arms and grimaced.
'Anxiety level?'
'Five.'
'Five? That's a great start. You're winning this Emma.'
I wrapped my arms around his body and leant against his chest. I felt his sweat against my cheek, my chest. He folded his arms around me.
'You're doing really well Emma, that's one minute. How are you feeling?'
'Three.'
'Keep holding.'
We held each other for another minute, I ran my hands along his back then I kissed his chest and looked up at him, 'One or maybe none.' His face came to mine. I am on my way!
Later that day I unloaded the washing machine and reloaded it with the washed clothes. Will saw me. 'Emma, it's your brain trying to make you wash the clothes again. Resist it. You're getting your brain back. Your life back.'
Dear Diary,
Figgins dropped a bombshell: Dave Karofsky tried to hang himself. Sue, Will and I met Figgins in his office. Figgins said one teenage suicide can start a string of copycat suicides. We have to be very careful how we tell the student body. Sue actually cried. She thought there was something more she could have done. Will said we thought he was going to hurt Kurt, not himself. Figgins said it's not our job to know everything. I said, then whose job is it?
Will and I discussed it further when we got home…maybe it's no one's job to know, but maybe it's our job to help make individuals feel worthy, resilient and secure – Will told me how he felt the day he cheated on an exam – he didn't want to face the disappointment in his father's eyes so he went up to school roof and stood on the edge and contemplated jumping.
He said, 'I guess that's the thing – no one really knows what will tip a person over the edge, sometimes they themselves don't know. I just wanted the pain and humiliation to stop. Everyone has something that will push them to the edge. No one knows it until it happens.
I nodded. 'I've always considered myself quite a strong minded person, but loneliness can destroy anyone. There was a time, I felt so utterly alone, there was nothing…nothing to hold me, no gravity. I felt all Sylvia Plathish.
We hugged each other. Will said, 'I think I'll sit down with the Glee kids and talk about looking towards the future when they feel hopeless or depressed.'
Unfortunately Will's d&m with them slightly backfired – Finn and Rachel have decided to get married straight after Regionals.
Will said, given the events of this week, he and the kids would choose songs for Regionals that were self empowering – songs for everyone: for the kids, for me, for him, for us.
I Believe I Can Fly
What Doesn't Kill you Makes You Stronger.
Here's To Us
How could they lose? They didn't. We're off to Nationals. In Chicago. I'll have to sleep in a hotel.
Dear Diary,
Will went to Rachel and Finn's wedding. When Will told me she was getting married, I had asked her if she had any ideas for a wedding dress. She had whipped out her phone and shown me a picture of Audrey Hepburn in 'Funny Face.' A 1950's tea-length dress. I would have liked to have seen her in it but I stayed at home. I had bad period pain, I was throwing up and the naprogesic wouldn't kick in so I went to bed.
Will came home with the most staggering news:
1. Finn and Rachel didn't get married. The police phoned Rachel on Quinn's phone. She's been in a car accident. Rachel refused to go ahead with the wedding.
And 2. Sue is PREGNANT and she wants to HELP Will win Nationals. Will says there must be a catch. I said it must be the hormones.