Disclaimer: Bioware owns all, except what I most humbly imagine. While, at times, I will take verbatim from the game, I mostly use the events of the Dragon Age games, expansions and universe as a loose structure around which to construct my re-imagined tale. If you are looking for a strict canon piece, I have no desire to offend, and so I warn you upfront!

When reading this tale, I hope you can easily imagine it being told by the very best of storytellers in Varric Tethras (from DA:2). In my version of events, Varric meets "The Hero" (Elissa Cousland) in Kirkwall during the time period of DA:2. I mention this only so that readers can understand his connection along the way, and so I don't have to mention and rehash it again and again as I make my way through the tale.

A/N: Got a lot of backlash from those frustrated with Elissa and the Nathanielites out there after the last chapter! Apologies in advance for making him suffer so much man!pain. Here's hoping you guys can stick it out and see that the man is never really down and out. :)

Muse Music: I Got You by Leona Lewis and Alibi by 30 Seconds to Mars.

Thanks to my readers, followers, and reviewers (even the ones shaking their fists in righteous fury). And kudos as always to my ladies beta artemiskat and Snarkoleptic.

Happy Reading!

-Frayed One

Chapter Thirty: Falling Apart to Get Back Up Again

"Things were good… for awhile. They were really, really good. She needed something, and somehow I was the one that could give it to her." Anders leaned against the back wall of my private suite at the Hanged Man and stared at the floor.

It was rare to hear The Mage speak of his more… intimate… relationship with The Hero. In all honesty, I rarely heard him speak of her at all unless he was reminding all of us – again – that no matter how pretty the package; inside she was dark and twisted, and the very definition of evil incarnate.

To hear the man acknowledge that they had been happy for any amount of time, no matter how fleeting, was a surprise. The realization that he was admitting this without my having to pry it loose with alcohol and the appropriate amount of insinuated sympathy… that had me wondering if he wasn't still human somewhere in there after all.

Elissa left word with the kitchen staff that all Wardens should be directed down to the sparring rings following their morning meals wearing something comfortable enough for light training drills. She was already there when the others started to arrive, dancing around the central ring with The Assassin in a workout of her own.

The curls of her hair were far more pronounced at the much shorter length, and she'd been forced to work the roots through with some sort of wax just to keep them out of her face. One popped loose as she dropped out of her routine and turned to address the group, and Anders tried not to laugh as he watched her tuck it back in place with a poorly hidden look of annoyance.

"Yes, Anders, I've learned that lopping off one's hair with a blade is a rather rash decision. I have now learned my lesson, no lectures required." She offered him a half smile, and ignored the glare Nathaniel leveled in his direction with the sight of it. "Now, as all of you know, we were caught with our pants down a few nights ago by a group of bloody pirates of all things. That such a thing was possible is a failing on my part. The Keep as a whole is not as prepared as it should be. We, as Wardens, are not as prepared as we should be."

She motioned Oghren forward to the unoccupied space at her right side, and paced slowly between the dwarf and the elf as she continued with her explanation. "This time, they came for me – but that will not always be the case. The Orlesian Wardens who were stationed her prior to my arrival were caught unaware by the darkspawn, and they paid dearly for their oversights. That will not happen to us; it cannot. All of you are powerful, some of you much more so than you yet understand." Her eyes passed over Jowan, who blushed and looked away. "But we have to be stronger. We have to make ourselves a force to be reckoned with."

Elissa motioned Justice forward to stand with Oghren, and sent Nathaniel and Sigrun over to Zevran. "To start, I need to get a complete gauge of your skills. This means no holding back, Nathaniel. I assure you, Zevran is more than capable of holding his own."

The Archer rolled his eyes at her before turning to follow his group to the far right ring, while Oghren moved his charge off to the far left ring, leaving Elissa with the mages in the center.

"How is it you plan to train mages when you haven't the smallest bit of magical inclination?" Velanna snipped, arms folded across her bosom in her usual aggressive stance.

"I have no plans to train you. I simply wish to observe. You are all far more capable of training one another than I shall ever be." Elissa replied, refusing to allow the elf to get under her skin this time. "I do, however, have gifts. Jowan, come with me for a moment if you would."

She set Anders and Velanna to work sparring against one another, and drew Jowan to the side, perching on the fence rail and beckoning that he should sit next to her.

"Aside from blood magic, what would you say is your strongest school?" Elissa asked, watching the man cringe at even a passing mention of his former crimes. "This is not an accusation, Jowan. I don't know what you can do, aside from crushing large marauders to death, of course."

Jowan chuckled softly, and Elissa could see that he was relaxing now that the fear of being chastised had been lifted. "The school I've developed most extensively is Entropy. Mostly hexes, holds and curses… nothing all that flashy."

"Then this should be a perfect addition." Elissa handed over the large tome she'd purchased from Master Henley in Amaranthine.

"This is a book on Keeper magic!" Jowan dropped his voice to a whisper, eyes darting over to where Velanna stood hurling a string of insults at Anders after having been jolted in the rear by a stray bolt of electricity. "Do you really think I can manage this? Keepers are born into this life. They train for years to master it."

"I think you are capable of managing anything you set your mind to, Jowan. If you want to learn this, you will. I have no doubt of that." She smiled and patted him on the back. "For now, go run your curses with Velanna and send Anders to see me. Oh, and if you happen to practice a curse for, say… loss of hair… then so much the better."

Jowan looked as though he was unsure what to make of that suggestion as he jogged away, and Anders' brow was furrowed when he finally made it over to her perch.

"Well he looked slightly vexed." Anders said, taking a seat beside her. "What did you give him?"

"A book on Keeper magic."

"That would do it." Anders chuckled, watching Velanna start yelling again when Jowan's fireball singed the edge of her leggings.

In the wake of last night's kisses, neither of them had been certain how to behave, so Anders felt any number of things when she reached over to take his hand. "Come along."

She tugged at him as she pushed off her perch, leading them out of the sparring area and back into the Keep. He swallowed when she directed him into a nearly empty storage room and shut the door behind them.

"There was a time when I'd have been able to come up with some pithy one liner about you ravishing me in a closet…" Anders started, words trailing off when the sultry rumble of her laugh ran a chill up his spine. "…But I find myself oddly lacking in the pith department at the moment."

"That wasn't a part of my original plan, but… I suppose those plans could be altered if you had something particular on your mind." The smile she gave him when she turned back hinted at any number of things, and he found his heart racing as he walked over to sit on the crate she patted. "Honestly though, I only brought you in here because your gifts required a more private setting. Unless you fancy changing in front of everyone?"

"Changing?" Anders' brow furrowed as he glanced down at his robes. They were practically new and certainly didn't need replacing.

She produced a stack of linen clothing and leather armor, passing it over into his hands. He could feel the garments' enchantments humming in his blood as he inspected them. "I had the enchantments tailored specifically to suit your talents. They will work just as well as your robes and offer you quite a bit more protection."

"Protection? Why would I need more protection?"

"Have you ever heard tell of the arcane warriors?" Elissa asked, producing two worn tomes from a nearby crate.

"Battlemages! You intend to hand me a sword and have me stab at things?" Anders laughed, thumbing through the books and trying to follow her train of thought.

"Not exactly, but we'll get to that part. For now, why don't you get changed?" She was smiling when he looked up at her, but turned to avert her eyes and allow him some privacy. "Let me know if you have problems with the buckles and I'll help."

Minutes ticked past, and Elissa listened to the rustling of clothing and clink of buckles as Anders settled himself into his new armor. The softly muttered curses told her of the difficulties he was having, but the boundaries of this new relationship were so fragile and untested, she knew better than to offer help until it was requested.

"Alright, I admit defeat." He could see she was fighting against her laughter as she strolled in his direction, her fingers working the clasps he had fought so hard into quick submission. "I don't know how you make that look so easy."

"As many years practice as I have, I could buckle and unbuckle leathers in my sleep, I'd wager." She traced her fingers across his ribs and abdomen appreciatively as she backed away, offering him another subtle smile. "Wade did well in choosing those colors. I'll have to thank him later."

"Wade built this?" Anders looked down at the deep greens and bronze that now covered his body and had to admit, he did look good.

"Wade has an eye for detail far superior to my own." Elissa chuckled, taking Anders' hand and dragging him along behind her once again.

"If we're going to be doing any sparring, I'll need my staff, Elissa. Fancy new armor or not, the spells will be far too weak to be any good to you if I can't channel them through something."

"That's taken care of." Elissa assured him, moving them back out into the sparring arena once again and ducking back into a corner to retrieve her final gift.

The staff was exquisite; fashioned from solid onyx with a ruby gilded skull imbedded in one end and fitted with a large wicked looking blade on the other. She twirled it around in her hands several times before driving it into a nearby training dummy hard enough to push clear through.

"Let's put that swordsman's build to use, shall we?" Elissa pulled the blade free and tossed the weapon over to its new owner, retrieving a staff of her own to use for sparring.

Anders smiled and pulled a quick bolt of electricity to life, arcing it out into the air. It came easily and was quite strong even without his full focus. Elissa had done well in choosing the enchantments for these gifts, that much was clear. Now it was time to test the boundaries of his physical skill.

It was happening again, Nathaniel could feel it. Elissa was moving out of his grasp and into the arms of another man – another man who was not the one he'd expected. Alistair he could handle. The King was out of sight and out of mind and their relationship had already begun to see strain even before he'd re-entered the picture. Damage he could work with, weakness he could exploit, despair he could capitalize on – but there was no defense against contentment.

Anders was a constant, and his and Elissa's friendship had been well established and powerful long before the mage ever admitted to wanting for more. The sight of them sparring together that afternoon had amplified his already peaking temper, and the fact that she had effectively sealed off their connection to prevent him from gauging her feelings on the matter only proved to him that whatever she did think of it, she didn't want him to know.

Their dynamic was shifting. He could read it in every subtle glance and hint of a smile, in every lingering touch that crossed over from friendly to flirtatious the longer they spent chatting in their secluded corner of the dining hall. When The Mage dragged a finger down her arm before collecting their plates and returning them to the kitchen, Nathaniel seized the opportunity to go and say all the things he'd been holding back since Anders' declaration the night before.

"Do you not believe it cruel to use the man as yet another diversion from me now that your king is gone?" Nathaniel kept his voice even, though his words were clearly meant to incite, and settled himself across from her at the table.

"Nathaniel, I…" Elissa sighed as she turned to him, and fussed with her hair for a moment before becoming annoyed again with the length of it. "I know you believe this to be yet another slight leveled in your direction, but it isn't meant to be. I never intended to have these feelings toward Anders, it just sort of… happened."

"If you never intended it, then you can prevent it. You can stop before it's gone too far. We both know you'll only break his heart in the end. We are meant to be together, Elissa. These denials of yours serve no one." Nathaniel held her eyes with his usual steely gaze, but beneath the bravado there was a fear Elissa hadn't seen before.

"That's it. That right there. That's what I can't stand about you. You are so bloody arrogant, Nathaniel. It would be impossible to see past if I couldn't read how uncertain you are underneath that puffed up preening peacock, how a part of you wonders if you haven't been wrong in your assertions." She caught Anders' eyes near the back of the room and stood to go and join him. "I won't deny that I have feelings for you, but I can't begin to process them now when I can barely recognize my own face in the mirror anymore, and I won't when you insult us both by behaving in this manner. I think that maybe I have a chance to be happy – and I haven't been happy in so very long… do you not think I deserve that?"

Nathaniel said nothing and kept his hold on her eyes as steady as he could manage.

"Can you look at me, honestly, and tell me you can make me happy right now? Can you look at yourself and truly believe I could give the same to you? You've put your own life on hold for over a decade chasing a woman who died in the fires of Highever. You have to bury her too. You have to heal yourself and find your own path without me standing beside you. If Velanna can give—"

"You know what, you're right." He stood so fast it rattled the table, and Elissa watched the muscle in his jaw twitching as he fought to control his temper. "I've been keeping Velanna at arm's length out of respect for what I feel toward you. But as you clearly have no regard for my feelings, perhaps it is time I put all that aside and see what else is out there, beyond the poisoned touch of Elissa Cousland."

Elissa thought to say more, but he was already stomping across the common area and disappearing out into the hall beyond.

Sparring together in such a physical manner had stoked the fires of desire between Elissa and Anders to a level that had been difficult to ignore in favor of dinner, and even Nathaniel's upsetting intervention had done nothing to quench them.

Elissa had suggested retreating to Anders' quarters, knowing better than to test any boundaries in the one place any number of people would come seeking her with regard to the unending demands of the Warden-Commander. Anders was all too quick to oblige her request, and hastily locked the door behind them when she pressed against him just inside.

"If this is too fast for you… if you are the least bit uncertain…" He stroked at her jaw with his thumbs, pulling back from her kisses to search out her eyes.

"Why would you think me uncertain?" Her brow furrowed as she tried to read whether this hesitation came from his own need or something he thought he'd seen in her.

"Well, I saw you talking to Nathaniel and I thought—"

"Can we not talk about Nathaniel?" Elissa sighed, knotting his tunic in her fingers. "He isn't here, you are – and I am here of my own volition. Do I look the slightest bit confused, the least bit uncertain? I want to be here, Anders. Do you want me to be?"

"I have wanted you here in any number of ways for much longer that you would imagine. I simply never allowed myself to believe for a moment that those desires could ever be returned." He closed his eyes and allowed her to take his mouth again, shuffling forward with her motion and opening them again when she stopped them at the foot of his bed. "There is still a part of me wondering when I'm due to wake up and realize this has all been a dream."

"You flatter me beyond the reach of truth, Anders. I am no prize. I am littered with scars." She tugged her shirt over her head and tossed it to the side, fingers making quick work of the ties on her pants before they pooled to the floor leaving her lying on his bed in nothing more than she'd worn the night before.

Her assertion was no exaggeration. The lean muscle and soft curves of her body were covered in scars evident even beneath the expansive work of her tattoo, and he knew the emotional scars ran even deeper. But none of that mattered as he settled down beside her, ignoring the slight look of confusion in her eyes when he removed none of his clothing prior to doing so.

Anders' hands were naturally warm, but he pulled a bit of extra heat into them regardless, before tracing his fingers slowly up the inside of her thigh as he leaned in to kiss her again. He could feel the pace of her breathing increase when his hand dipped inside her smallclothes, and smiled at her low appreciative moan when his fingers reached their destination.

"Ah! Sweet Andraste, what was that!" Elissa's back arched all on it's own and she cried out when he did it again, holding his eyes and waiting for an answer.

"The tiniest jolt of electricity." Anders admitted with a grin, rotating himself through the most basic of elemental magic. "I can also do fire… and ice… both equally stimulating in small doses."

She moaned appreciatively and smiled up at him.

"But, I suspect what you'll like the most is force magic."

"Oh, Ma… fu… oh…" Her eyes went wide at the slight vibration, and then rolled back when he started to move his fingers in time with it.

Her nails dug into his back and forearm as she gave herself over to the crest of her orgasm, and he chuckled lightly as she proved every rumor about her inability to keep quiet in the throes of ecstasy.

"You're laughing at me." Elissa breathed, attempting to recover herself and get the still fully dressed man out of his clothes.

"No. Never." Anders fought down a smile, helping her to remove his shirt and lifting up his hips when she went to remove his pants as well.

"Yes, you are." Elissa smiled, drawing her nails down his chest as she blazed a trail of kisses across his stomach and down toward the waistband of his smallclothes. "But, I'd wager I can make you stop."

Her smile was wicked as she pressed her lips against the swell of his arousal, and he suddenly knew exactly what it was she intended to do – and only just managed to reach down and stop her before she could send him well beyond his ability to deny.

"Wait, Elissa. Wait, I…"

She sat up when she realized the sincerity of his hesitation, and allowed him to draw her back up his body to lie beside him.

"I've had a lot of sex." He paused, unsure how to proceed.

"Alright… Are you afraid I'll be bad at it? I'll admit… I don't have a lot of experience in that area, I just thought I'd –"

"No, no it isn't that. I'm sure…. I'm sure you'd be fine, more than fine… It isn't a question of skill or desire at all…" He sighed when she looked even more confused, and rolled over to look in her eyes fully. "I've had a lot of sex, Elissa. A lot. But I have never been with anyone I had these kinds of feelings toward. I've never lain with anyone that I… that I loved."

It was too much, too soon. Anders pressed his eyes shut and waited for the inevitable retreat when she pulled away and tucked back inside the shell where she could stay devoid of emotion. But that moment never came. Instead she was kissing him again, slowly but surely parting his lips and dipping inside with her tongue.

She traced her hand down his stomach again, pressing against him through the barrier of his smallclothes just enough to assure him she was still interested, and then pulling away to establish it was he who'd set the pace.

It was all that he needed. That tiny acknowledgement that she'd seen what he was giving her, and what he wanted in return, but she hadn't turned away. The rest of their clothing didn't last long beyond that, and there was no hesitation when Anders finally pressed inside of her and sought to repeat his earlier assertions without words.

When Elissa curled in at his side to lie sleeping, it was in the blissful afterglow of a new romance. Anders wrapped his arms around her, surprised to find he had none of the anxiety at sharing his space he'd expected would come when it became obvious she wasn't going to leave and go back to her own bed for the night. He drifted into the Fade on his own soon after, both of them ignorant of the chaos that reigned on the other side of the Keep.

When Elissa had crested the wave of her first orgasm, she lost her tenuous grip on the conduit that had kept Nathaniel from feeling any of the activity leading up to it. It was almost worse to be hit by it unprepared, and it drove the archer forward down his current path more aggressively than he'd intended.

Tonight he'd responded to all of Velanna's overtures. Tonight he'd offered some of his own. Tonight he'd accepted the invitation and followed her back to her quarters where he now had her pressed happily into her mattress, crying out her throaty approval when he squeezed down a bit harder on her breast than he might have had he not been processing an enormous wave of passion from a completely unrelated source.

He moaned against her throat, grazing down with his teeth as he teased her damp folds to a point where he could be somewhat sure penetration would be more pleasure than pain once he sought to achieve it. She dug her nails into his bare back and muttered things into his ear he had no possible way of understanding being that he had no talent for the Dalish language. Regardless, he wasn't all that worried. If her writhing body and tongue in his ear was any indication, whatever she was saying had to be good.

Velanna was a beautiful woman; those words had never been a lie. But she was as far from Elissa as it was possible to be. She was thin and delicate where Elissa was lean and tall. She was pliant and easily motivated to move in whatever direction he desired, where Elissa would have fought for control every step of the way. There were no scars on her body, not even on the leg most recently healed – and the blonde hair and bronze skin made it impossible for him to operate with even the briefest illusion of who it was he'd taken to bed.

He'd intended to take his time, to enjoy the diversion - though he knew that's all it was - to make her at least feel appreciated in the sense that she deserved his full attention, for as long as it lasted. But all that was lost when Elissa climaxed again and flooded him with an even more powerful wave of sexual euphoria.

Nathaniel lost the ability to focus, he lost the ability for restraint, and he lost the ability to even bother to fully remove his pants and smallclothes before thrusting himself inside of the woman only half ready beneath him. Velanna cried out, first in pain but then in pleasure as he kissed her and set his fingers to work at further stimulation.

It was okay for a while. Better than okay, it was… bliss. He could close his eyes and follow the path back to Elissa. He could focus in on that and allow himself to believe that for a moment, just a moment, they'd reached this plane together at last. That it was her soft body beneath him, her ecstatic cries sounding in his ears, her tight center clenching against him and drawing him over into his own release.

"Elissa!"

The name was out of his mouth before he'd regained enough of his mind to know he'd said anything, and so the look on Velanna's face and the sting of her palm against his cheek came as a complete surprise.

"Get out! Get out of my room!" Velanna was yelling in Dalish again, and this time, Nathaniel knew she was not pleased.