Disclaimer: Bioware owns all, except what I most humbly imagine. While, at times, I will take verbatim from the game, I mostly use the events of the Dragon Age games, expansions and universe as a loose structure around which to construct my re-imagined tale. If you are looking for a strict canon piece, I have no desire to offend, and so I warn you upfront!

When reading this tale, I hope you can easily imagine it being told by the very best of storytellers in Varric Tethras (from DA:2). In my version of events, Varric meets "The Hero" (Elissa Cousland) in Kirkwall during the time period of DA:2. I mention this only so that readers can understand his connection along the way, and so I don't have to mention and rehash it again and again as I make my way through the tale.

A/N: It's a short one, I know. Hopefully comfort can be taken in that all that has to be said, is said.

Muse Music: Damaged by Plumb, Be Kind To My Mistakes by Kate Bush.

Thanks to my readers, followers and reviewers - and to my betas artemiskat and Snarkoleptic who got a break this time :D

Happy Reading!

-Frayed One

Chapter Thirty-Four: Mending the Soul

Elissa lay there, staring at the blank stone ceiling of Nathaniel's room, the very room he'd held claim on for as long as she could remember. For a moment, everything was all right. There was only Elissa, and this man who she'd been drifting toward from the moment she was born. There was no guilt, no regret, and no profound thoughts of deeper meaning behind rash actions – only the feeling that some sort of void within her had finally been filled. Perhaps now she could finally move forward.

"I never thought I'd say this," Elissa started, shifting an arm behind her head. "But I'm actually thankful that Fergus walked in on us all those years ago."

"Honestly, Elissa. Your brother is the last thing I want to think about after what we've just done." Though there was irritation in Nathaniel's words, his laughter was barely hidden behind it.

"Oh, I'd rather not think of him at all, with or without that part." She sighed and ran her fingers through her hair. "But, if he hadn't interrupted us back then, I think you might have caused permanent damage."

"I'd never have let you rush me back then, and I did try to slow the pace today. It was you who couldn't be delayed." He rolled up on his elbow to meet her eyes. "If I hurt you, I am sorry. It was certainly not my intent."

"It's nothing to worry about. I'll be likely to walk funny for a day or so, but it's nothing that won't heal." Elissa laughed, smiling up at him before reaching out to run her fingers across the drying blood at his shoulder. "Besides, it isn't as though you've come out of this encounter unscathed."

"A scar I will gladly bear, as I most certainly earned it." Nathaniel leaned down to press his teeth lightly against the skin at her shoulder, laughing when she swatted him away.

"That you did. How did you learn to do that anyway? I didn't even know it was possible for a man to —"

"Nor did I. It's never happened before today. I'd assumed it had something to do with being a Warden." He shrugged his shoulders.

"Not that I'm aware of." Elissa shook her head in response.

"So… none of the other Wardens—"

"Are you honestly asking me this?" She sighed, quirking an eyebrow up at him. "You don't see me asking for details about your other lovers."

"Ask away. There isn't much to tell." He leaned against his hand and brushed his fingers across her stomach.

"Really? You finally have your way with me and this is what you want to talk about?" Elissa held his eyes long enough to see there was no hesitation. "You are a strange man."

"I wouldn't toss that accusation about if I were you." Nathaniel chuckled. "Besides, I think it's perfectly normal that I'd be curious about your past now that we're finally together."

"To… Is that what you think this is?" The moment of clarity was passing, and she could suddenly see just how poor this decision had been. "We aren't together, Nathaniel. Nothing has changed. It was just sex."

Elissa was up off the bed then, ignoring the twinge of pain between her legs that came with the movement and tugging on her smallclothes and her trousers in one swift motion.

"What?" He got up and pulled his pants up to his hips, trailing after her as she rushed around the room in search of her breast band. "Nothing about that was just sex, Elissa. You said you couldn't fight this any more, you wanted this as much as I did."

"Physically, yes. We've been locked in this destructive pattern because of a-a physical need to be together. Now, we have been. There's no more mystery, no need to wonder what it would be like. It's done. We can go on with our lives." Elissa laced up her breast band and attempted to fix her shirt, before realizing it was beyond repair and tossing it to the floor. "This shirt is wrecked. I'm taking yours."

"Do you honestly think I'm going to let you walk out of here and go back to pretending there is nothing between us?" Nathaniel was furious now, charging over to cut off her path to the door. "There are things that happen when you lie with someone, truths that are spoken without words, and you cannot deny those no matter how hard you try. I love you, Elissa. And I know now, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you love me."

"This was a mistake. I should never have come here." She tried to maneuver around him without meeting his eyes.

"No! This was not a mistake, and I won't let you talk your way out of it this time! Say the words, Elissa! Admit that you love me!" His fingers dug into her biceps, and she could feel how angry he was pulsing across the conduit as he trembled in front of her.

"I can't." Her words were soft, but clear.

"Why not? What's stopping you? The mage?" Nathaniel felt the swell in her temper at even the passing mention of Anders, but it was too late to back down now.

"Don't speak of him as though what we had was meaningless. Anders is a good man. He deserves far better than what I have done to him." Elissa pulled out of Nathaniel's grip, shoving him aside to push out the door. "I'm sorry, Nathaniel. I have nothing to offer you beyond this moment. I have nothing to offer anyone."

Nathaniel dropped to the nearby chair in stunned silence as the door shut behind her. For the first time in a long time he had no idea where to go.

Elissa knew it was time to face the music. Anders would know what had happened soon enough, if he didn't already. Her time with Nathaniel had not been silent.

But she couldn't bring herself to face him as she was, wearing Nathaniel's rumpled shirt and smelling of sex while her blood and his seed dried sticky against her thighs. She'd done enough damage. She could spare him that.

There was no warm water in her room, and Elissa couldn't bring herself to face the servants long enough to ask that it be brought in. Instead she stripped down and settled herself into a cold tub. It was bracing, but exactly what she needed.

When she pulled open her drawers to sort out clean clothing, she caught the glint of rust colored glass as it rolled out from beneath a stack of half folded shirts. A secret stash Anders had not managed to confiscate and she had not remembered to offer up in her contrition. She ignored it for a moment, pulling out a shirt and tugging it over her head – but her eyes snapped back immediately after.

A moment later she was settling to the vanity stool and popping the cap loose, intent on drinking the whole of it in one go before she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. There were dark circles forming around her eyes, and her mouth seemed much deeper in color than it had when last she'd taken the time to inspect herself with any eye for detail. At the base of her nails there was a thin dark line, and if she looked closely, around the rim of her green irises there was now a ring of the deepest crimson. The taint was advancing. The time would come when there would be little left of her to recognize. She could no longer deny that to be true.

"What are you?"

She stared intently at the face in front of her, seeing for a moment the shadow of the girl she used to be until it was swallowed once again by the monster she had become. She snapped the vial closed and let it slide through her fingers to clatter against the wood below.

It was late when Elissa knocked at Anders' door, and the look on his face when he opened it to allow her entry gave away nothing of what might have been going on inside his head.

"Anders… I need to talk to you—"

"I'm surprised you can manage speech at all considering the screaming you were doing a few hours ago." Anders didn't look at her. He continued to flip through the pages of the book on his desk as though they were engaged in a perfectly normal conversation.

"You heard…" It couldn't have hurt her more if the man had physically struck her. The idea that he might have been subjected to that cut deep, and she knew she'd never forgive herself even if Anders somehow saw fit to offer her absolution.

"With my own ears? No. But it was all anyone could talk about at dinner." Anders pushed the chair back from the desk, turning to lean against it and meet her eyes. "Finally, they said. It's about time, they said. They belong together. That one was my favorite."

"I am so sorry, Anders. I am—"

"Sorry isn't going to cut it this time, Elissa. Sorry can't erase what you've done." The look on Anders face was a mix of anger and grief, neither one he wanted to feel, neither one he could deny. "Why? Why lay with Howe of all people? Why now? I thought we were happy. Was I not enough for you?"

"No, it isn't like that. There is nothing wrong with you. You are perfect, Anders. You are everything that anyone should ever need." She tried to touch him, but he pulled away, so she lingered as close as he would allow her. "This is my fault. All of this. I should never have crossed this line with you, not so soon after Alistair. Not when I have so much to repair."

"So you regret it? You regret being with me?" His voice broke with the words, and he could see the change in her face as she was forced to see the destruction her carelessness was wreaking in him.

"Never! I will never regret our time together!" She pushed past his boundaries and placed a hand on his cheek, turning his gaze toward her face, forcing him to see the truth in her eyes. "But it shouldn't have happened, not like this. I'm not good for anyone, Anders."

"But that won't stop you from going back to him…"

"Nathaniel and I are not together." She released him, and backed away. "I need to be alone. It's what I should have done that night on the cliffs, but I saw something in you – something in your eyes there in the water – and I wanted something to hold on to so badly that I pulled you under with me."

She paced away to look out the window and into the darkness. "There is a war coming, and I can't fight it when I'm expending all my energy fighting myself. I am the Warden-Commander of Ferelden. Perhaps that is all that I am. Perhaps the time for anything beyond that is gone."

"A life with nothing to drive you beyond duty and obligation is not a life, Elissa." All of his efforts, all that he had tried to show her, and still there she stood – a broken remnant of what she should have been. "A life without love is nothing at all."

"Then nothing will have to be enough." She turned a sad smile to him, stopping for a moment to stroke his cheek one last time before she left. Even if the damage could be repaired, things between them would never be the same.