Disclaimer: Bioware owns all, except what I most humbly imagine. While, at times, I will take verbatim from the game, I mostly use the events of the Dragon Age games, expansions and universe as a loose structure around which to construct my re-imagined tale. If you are looking for a strict canon piece, I have no desire to offend, and so I warn you upfront!
When reading this tale, I hope you can easily imagine it being told by the very best of storytellers in Varric Tethras (from DA:2). In my version of events, Varric meets "The Hero" (Elissa Cousland) in Kirkwall during the time period of DA:2. I mention this only so that readers can understand his connection along the way, and so I don't have to mention and rehash it again and again as I make my way through the tale.
A/N: Not too much longer before we wrap up Book Three and head to Book Four!
Muse Music: Always by The Birthday Massacre
Thanks to my readers, followers and reviewers - and to my wonderful betas artemiskat and Snarkoleptic.
Happy Reading!
-Frayed One
Chapter Fifty: Before You Walk, You Learn To Fall
"Do you remember the last time we shared this horse?"
Elissa had been reluctant to allow Nathaniel to make the ride back to Amaranthine by himself fearing that the jostling would cause his injuries to reopen somehow. Though he was slightly annoyed at her coddling, especially when Zevran made no attempt to conceal his laughter as Elissa tethered her horse to follow behind them, he soon found himself moving past that and enjoying the journey.
"The last time we shared a horse was barely two weeks ago and hardly something I want to remember, Nathaniel." Elissa had missed his intent, focused as she was on traveling the least bumpy terrain possible.
"I meant this horse. Nocturne." Nathaniel leaned in to speak directly into her ear, making sure that his lips brushed against it and smiling when she shivered slightly against the curve of his body.
"That would be the evening of your arrival in Highever that last summer when you finally decided you were interested in claiming my virtue." She cleared her throat, knowing that thinking too hard about this particular subject could lead to nowhere good while they were still several miles away from The Keep.
"I was always interested in claiming your virtue, Elissa. I simply didn't think you should be so rash in your decision to give it away." He laughed, shifting one of the hands near her waistline forward to spread across her abdomen.
"Rash!" Elissa snorted, rubbing at the bridge of her nose and adjusting her posture to try and create some amount of distance between their bodies. "I made that decision quite a few years before I ever acted upon the impulse, Nathaniel. It was hardly done in a hormone charged flurry."
"How many years, exactly?" Nathaniel remembered Elissa mentioning that she'd saved herself for him but she had never given any details, and he'd been far too shocked at the time to ask.
"Fine." She let out a long-suffering sigh, rolling her eyes when Nathaniel chuckled behind her. "It was at Camilla Roquefort's announcement party. I was stuck in a room with all those dreadful noble girls, all of them nattering on and on about who they planned to give their flower to – insipid doddering fools. Mostly they were focused on Cailan or that fool Ox, but you had admirers of your own."
"Did I now?" He smiled, listening to her fluster.
"Do you want me to answer this or not? Because I am perfectly happy to stop talking."
"I apologize." Nathaniel cleared his throat and tried not to laugh. "Please, continue."
"I decided then and there that if such things could be saved for a specific person, that I would prefer to give mine to you. Of course, shortly after I made that decision you gave me the 'you are an insufferable twit' speech, so I was pretty sure it would never matter." Elissa shifted in front of him, altering Nocturne's course once again past a particularly rocky span of ground.
"I've apologized for that."
"You have. Can't hurt to hear it again, though. You weren't very nice to me when we were children." She sniffed; feigning irritation that Nathaniel knew wasn't really there.
"Elissa. I barely spoke to anyone outside my family prior to my tenth birthday, and then Father dumps me into the Cousland nest with Fergus and you, this boundless well of energy always following us about and hitting me with sticks." He chuckled when he felt her tense at the mention of that memory.
"It was a sword."
"It was a stick, and it smarted, until I took it away."
"Until you broke it." Elissa snorted again, that bit of her that still remembered her childish fury waking up again and awash in memory. "You were just cross because a little girl could best you in swordplay."
"Sweetheart, I've always been better at swordplay than I've let on. I simply didn't want to bruise your delicate ego." Nathaniel dodged when she swatted back at him, laughing when she then had to scramble to steer Nocturne back onto the road.
"My delicate ego. We'll see about that. As soon as you're better I'll have you out in the training ring. I think you'll find it isn't my ego that needs protection from bruising." She swatted his hands down to settle back at her hips, refocusing herself on the last paces of their journey. "And don't call me sweetheart."
"I can think of far better ways to release some tension than sparring… sweetheart." Nathaniel pressed his lips against the back of her neck, relishing in the smell of her and the way she immediately responded.
"You've nearly died, Nathaniel. I think any activity other than lying very still is out of the question." Elissa took in a deep breath, feeling the heat of his hands through her armor as he shifted them up from her hips again. "And if you move your hands any higher or lower than you've already placed them, you're going to have even more injuries to think on."
"Come now. I spent hours being picked over by those healers and everyone agreed everything is in working order."
"I can see now that sharing a horse was a bad idea." She sighed, fighting back a smile when he laughed against her neck but in no way deterred his actions.
"I've rather enjoyed it myself."
"I can tell. And I'm sure you'll also enjoy standing around in the stables until you get that back under control and can walk yourself into The Keep without drawing the attention of half the courtyard." Elissa laughed then, feeling him sigh against her skin and then withdraw slightly to make an effort toward what she had just suggested.
Elissa had met with Jowan and checked on Varel. She'd retrieved her messages and met with both Wade and Voldrick about progress with repairs and replenishing the armory. She was in the process of putting away her armor and most of the items from their trip when she heard one more knock on her door.
"Yes?" Elissa sighed, trying not to sound irritated – though she wanted nothing more than to finish what she'd been doing and make her way down the hall to Nathaniel's room for the night.
"Elissa. I know it's late. May I come in for a moment? I need your approval to restock the infirmary supplies." Anders hesitated just outside her now half open door and waited for an invitation.
It wasn't that Elissa had been avoiding him, per se, it was more that she knew what had to happen now that she had made her decision to be with Nathaniel – and she dreaded having to cause more injury to the man than she already had.
"Do you think we could go over it tomorrow?" Elissa turned, not thinking about the still visible injuries on her face and body and how Anders would react to them.
"Maker! What happened to you?" Anders dashed over, dropping the parchment he had been holding onto her desk and reaching out to touch her jaw while he looked over her face.
"It's nothing. I'm fine." She shook him off, pacing away to stow a few more items in her vanity and hoping that would be enough to have it drop.
"Nothing? You look as though you've gone several rounds with a large hurlock! I thought this was to be a simple trip with no healer required. What happened?" He knew she was hedging, but the gash on her chest was not something he could ignore.
"There were unforeseen complications—"
"Unforeseen co— Did Anora attack you?" Anders' brow furrowed as he tried to wrap his mind around that as a possibility.
"Maker, no!" Elissa almost laughed at the absurdity of that idea, but there was too much on her mind to make light of anything. "The person behind the assassination attempts finally revealed himself."
"There was another attempt on your life? In Denerim? Could the king not see to your safety?" Anders could hear the frustration building in his voice, but couldn't seem to contain it.
"Alistair was not there when Thomas took us…" Elissa realized her mistake too late. She had never intended to speak of this, but now she'd said the name, and Anders was far too smart to have missed it.
"Thomas? As in Thomas Howe?" He waited for her to correct him, temper continuing to peak as he saw further proof just how dangerous that bloodline was to her. "I thought he was dead."
"He is now." Elissa's reply was quick and cold, and told Anders all he needed to know about what had happened.
"You said us… he took us… who else did he take?" Anders knew the answer, and knew what it had led to – he could read enough in how hard she tried to avoid his eyes to know that something drastic had changed in the days she was away.
"Nathaniel. It was Nathaniel. He was very nearly killed and I'd really rather not speak of this any longer." She slammed the drawers to her dresser, glancing up at her reflection and seeing the slight shaking of her hands.
"You need to talk about this, Elissa. You need to see the writing on the wall. I am sorry that Nathaniel was injured, but this is the second Howe that has tried to kill you, third if we count the original intentions of Nathaniel himself." Anders watched as Elissa paced away from him, but followed along determined to be heard. "How much longer are you going to ignore what runs in his veins? Until he kills you?"
"Nathaniel would never—" Elissa paused, turning back to Anders and just getting it out. "Nathaniel is not his father. He is not his brother. He is a better man than most seem willing to give him credit for, and I love him, Anders. I'm sorry – but I do."
"It isn't love, Elissa. It's some sick infatuation, but you need to fight it. He will be the end of you, and you deserve better. You deserve someone who fights for the good in you instead of letting you sacrifice everything to darkness." Anders stopped a few feet away from her, wanting nothing more than to reach out but seeing in her posture that was the last thing he should do. "I know I said I couldn't see past what happened… but I was wrong. I love you, Elissa. Let me try—"
"Maker forgive me." The words were a whisper, but the look on her face as she turned stopped any further words from leaving his mouth. "Anders. We had our moment, and it was fun while it lasted, but it's over. You filled a need for me, and I appreciate that. But it was never serious."
"You don't mean that." He was shaking, a mix of anger and hurt flooding through him though he tried to ignore them. "I know how you work. You're just trying to upset me so I'll let it go, but it's not going to work. I'm not giving up this time."
"Are you sure you know me?" Elissa smiled, taking a few steps closer to him. "Maybe what you believe is the illusion."
"No. No matter what you pretend, you aren't this cruel." Anders shook his head, trying not to let it get to him when she laughed in response, pacing past him to look out her window.
"That's the thing. I am this cruel. You just don't want to see it. You spend all your time trying to convince yourself that I am separate from The Beast, but the truth is I am The Beast – and you're simply not man enough to handle it." Elissa fought back the urge to cry the tears that welled up as she listened to the things pouring out of her mouth, and schooled her features to hide it as she turned back in his direction. "You're weak, Anders. You allow yourself to be controlled, to be ordered about… it was fun, for a time, but I could never be satisfied with that in the long run."
She could see the toll it was taking on him. All of the confidence she had started to build in him crumbling away the longer she went on. It hurt her every bit as much as it must have been hurting him. Anders was the closest thing to a friend she'd had in a very long time, and now that was all over.
"I should never have taken you into my bed. I will regret that decision as long as I live." It was the only thing out of her mouth she believed, and she wished she could rewind time and take it back – that she could be stronger and rely on her friend instead of taking him as a lover to fill some void she'd cut into her own soul.
"Are we done, Commander?"
The cold hiss of the words from his mouth cut into her like a blade, but she knew it was done now. Whatever remnants of emotion he felt for her had been snuffed out like the embers of a fire beneath her boot heel. He would not reach for her again.
"You are dismissed." Elissa watched him go, slamming the door hard in his wake and leaving her free to collapse heaving at the chamber pot in the back corner of the room.
Nathaniel was reading over the proposed reevaluation of blighted land Varel had left for him when the quick snap of his door opening and closing drew his attention. Elissa stood just inside his door, looking very much like she was uncertain whether she wanted to stay or run, and so he stood to help make her decision.
"Varel came to see me an hour ago, so I know it wasn't his meeting that kept you so late."
"Anders stopped by." That she said nothing more told Nathaniel all he needed to know about how well that had gone.
"I see." Nathaniel paused for a moment to see if she wanted to talk about it, assuming when she said nothing more it was a closed subject for the moment. "Have you eaten? The cook sent up food for me and I couldn't eat it all. It's probably still warm if you—"
"I'm not hungry." Elissa watched him stop mid pace on his way over to the table that held what was left of his dinner.
"Well if you're tired, I can lie down with you. I'm not sure I'll be going to sleep anytime soon but I'll—"
"I'm not tired either." She closed the distance between them, reaching her hands up to cradle his face and drawing him in for a kiss that relayed her intentions very clearly.
"Are you certain this is what you want?" He rushed the words out as she pulled his shirt loose and tugged it over his head, splaying her fingers out over his skin.
"I've just had to cause grievous injury to two people I never wanted to hurt. I've nearly lost you, I've put an old enemy to death and I've—"
"Been tortured and raped by my brother." Nathaniel finished the thought he knew she would hide beneath pretty words and tried not to hedge when she flinched in response.
"I don't want to talk about it. It happened and it's over. It wasn't the first time I've dealt with such things, it was merely the first time someone else was there to witness them." Elissa sighed when Nathaniel's eyes went wide at the idea she'd been put through anything like that before, but pressed on. "I don't want to talk about that either. I just want to be here, with you. I want to feel something other than broken and empty. I need this, Nathaniel. I need you. Can that just be enough for tonight?"
He wanted to argue, to force her to face the things he knew she was suppressing before they poisoned her even more than they already had, but she was there again – in his room – willingly. She wouldn't leave when they were done. She wouldn't deny that they were together once this was over. She was his, once and for all, and he couldn't help but give her what she wanted.
He pressed his mouth against hers; tugging her against his body as they both fought to remove whatever clothing they could reach before falling – a tangle of limbs and sweat tinged skin – against his bed. Nathaniel paced things as slowly as he could manage, not wanting to tax his still healing injuries and also desperate to take more time with the act than he had given the first time around – but an easy exploration of skin and sensation quickly morphed into that insistent passion that always drove them when they were together. Before he knew it, it was over, and Elissa was curled at his side in the darkness – the warmth of her naked skin seeping into his own – reassuring him that she was real, and she was there. He'd take his time in the morning.