Author's Note: Chapter 30 continues the episode that began with Chapter 28. Uhura confronts Spock concerning his reference to the song – Tevul-tor vi' tu (Crash into Me).
This chapter uses lyrics from the song, Crash into Me by Dave Matthews. This author wishes she was as talented as Dave, but – alas - God chose not to give her such gifts. She does not claim to have written or to have rights to any part of the song.
As always, your comments are appreciated.
Nearly midnight on a Saturday night . . .
After a long day working at the semiconductor lab . . .
Spock intended to go straight to his living quarters . . .
He wanted to meditate as long as it took to rid himself of his physical need of . . .
T'Lau . . .
And even though he had not been with her that day . . .
The mere thought of her made him feel . . . unclean . . .
So . . . his feet brought him . . .
There . . .
Standing in his usual spot to take part in his secret ritual . . .
Looking up to her darkened dorm window . . .
He called her name . . .
Nyota . . .
Closing his eyes . . .
He imagined . . .
Beholding her bright, brown eyes . . .
Hearing her gentle laughter . . .
Feeling her tender kiss upon his lips . . .
Nyota . . .
Nyota . . .
Nyota . . .
But then . . .
As it always did . . .
The cold, night air entered his lungs and awakened him to the stark reality of his life without her . . .
His Nyota . . .
One last futile look to her window . . .
He turned to begin his solitary walk . . .
Then, suddenly, he heard a voice that sounded too real to come from his own imagination . . .
And when he turned back and saw Nyota step out of the shadows . . .
He could not tell what to think when she repeated the words . . .
"Tevul-tor vi' tu."
As she came before him, Spock asked, "Have you adopted a new greeting?"
"I am simply repeating the postscript you used on a note you wrote to me 2½ years ago."1
"My suspicions are that your appearance here is more involved than the simple recitation of that phrase."
The Vulcan did not understand why, but he found her pause before speaking to be a bit disconcerting. As she seemed to study him, he reciprocated her action by quickly scanning her attire to note her wearing of shoe boots, jeans, and a pea coat over a turtleneck.
"I find the temperature to be unusually mild for this time of year." The Vulcan commented, not admitting the actual reason for his light jacket.
"I was not sure how long I would be waiting for you. You don't seem to come by at the same time."
"How long have you known?" He asked drily as if inquiring about the time of day.
"If you are referring to your nocturnal visits, I first became aware of it three weeks ago."
"Three weeks? Why did you wait until now to confront me about this matter?"
"Is that what you wanted me to do, Spock? Your behavior actually appeared childish to me. Still, there might be some who would interpret your presence as having a more devious overtone."
"Yes. Under the circumstances, one would be wise to act with all due caution. You would have been in your right to report the matter to security. You may still do so."
"I am considering it."
"Would you like the use of my communicator to carry out this act?"
"I don't think this is the time to be flippant, Spock."
"If my words have came across that way, it was not my intent. I only wanted to let you know I had an instrument at hand which could be lent for your use to contact the appropriate authorities if you felt the need to do so."
"I believe someone aspiring to be a communications officer would be loathed to go anywhere without such a device. So, no, Spock - I won't be needing your communicator."
With his hands clasped behind his back, the Vulcan stood still as Uhura slowly walked about him. He felt her eyes on him as if she were examining him from head to toe.
"Have I passed inspection?" Spock quipped.
"Tevul-tor vi' tu . . . You wrote that phrase at the end of a seemingly innocent note offering your services as an instructor in the Vulcan language."
"I believe those facts had been previously established."
"However, the phrase itself is not so innocent. Tevul-tor vi' tu . . . Crash into you. It took me a while to find the reference. And, I probably could not have identified it at all if I had not had assistance."
"Sevat?"
"I asked him about it, but received little direction. Amanda was the one who put me on the right track."
Uhura saw Spock's eyes momentarily flicker with irritation. She was suddenly sorry she revealed his mother as her source.
He asked, "When did she speak with you?"
"Last Friday. However, during our conversation, I did not reveal the context for my inquiry. So, I'm sure she does not suspect any sort of connection regarding the song in relation to you and me."
Uhura saw Spock turn his eyes away from her, as he seemed deep in thought. Little did she know, his thoughts were focused on a conversation he had with Amanda early Friday morning.
Spock awakened amidst sheets soaked in his own sweat. He headed to the shower anxious to experience the calming affects of the water against his body, wracked by several orgiastic spasms he had experienced during the night. After he showered, Spock donned his white robe and began to prepare himself mentally for his meditation period when he was distracted by the signal from his TeleCom system. Seeing the ID, he did not ignore it.
"Mother." He said as her image came upon the screen.
"Good afternoon, Spock. I bring you greetings from Cairo." He knew it to be illogical, but the warmth of her gentle smile seemingly could be felt across the thousands of miles that separated them.
"The hour is still quite early, here, in San Francisco."
Feigning surprise, she remarked. "Oops."
"Oops? Oh, yes, now I recognize this expression. It is usually utilized by humans in place of a sincere apology for some error."
Amanda laughed lightly. "Oh, Spock. You have learned something about humans during your sojourn on Earth."
"The word, sojourn, implies a temporary residence in a foreign land. I have now lived among humans for 12 years."
"Within the context of a Vulcan lifespan, twelve years is but a drop of time. I dream of the day you will join your father in some endeavor the two of you can share while Sarek is still in his prime."
"Neither Sarek or I have expressed any interest in such an enterprise."
"That does not mean the desire is not present. I have lived among Vulcans long enough to know of their penchant for keeping unspoken matters of the heart."
"Then the object of your proposed exercise is not to encourage thought or scientific study that will build upon current scholarship. Instead, the focus seems merely to provide an opportunity for . . . What do humans call it? . . . Relationship-building? . . . If relationship-building is the true end you seek, then why do you not drop all pretense and just schedule a time Sarek and I can share a pot of tea together?"
"Oh, Spock. You are so alike your father, sometimes I wonder if I truly am your mother."
"And you, Mother are so full of joy and hope, I wonder if I truly am your son."
The naked comment both moved and silenced Amanda. She ached with the deep desire to touch him, although she knew such a gesture would displease him. Even when he was a child, Spock shrank from her touch since Vulcan traditions taught him such signs of affection were an aberration. All that remained were the times she sneaked into Spock's room to touch her lips to his forehead while he slept.
"And, I love you, too." She finally told him.
Amanda could see Spock suddenly stiffen his posture. "No, need to become sentimental, Mother. I was only making an observation."
"I heard what you said, Spock." She remarked, refusing to allow him to diminish her interpretation.
"Is your business complete with me, now?"
"My business? We're family, Spock, not business partners."
"I knew you and father were on planet to attend an Environmental Summit in Cairo. Yet, you usually do not contact me for no reason."
Amanda retorted, "Do I need a better reason to call than I would like to chat with my son?"
"You are human, Mother, but I have never known you to engage is such a pointless activity as chatting. If something does prey upon your mind, then permit your lips to bear its contents."
Amanda appeared to hesitate and then took on a more serious tone. "I had a feeling . . . something was not right with you."
"A feeling? I did not know your ancestry included a Betazoid line."2 The Vulcan replied with a sarcastic edge.
"The feeling emanates from an instinct innate with most mothers across all species."
"You mean it emanates from a supposed instinct claimed by some women across species."
"Spock, I am a social scientist, yet, I know there exists phenomenon that cannot be proved or disproved by empirical evidence."
"There was a time when humans could not prove or disprove the planet Earth was the center of their solar system. Would it not have been better for your ancestors to have admitted their ignorance rather than holding to such a falsehood that was more influenced by religion than scientific evidence?"
"I know what I feel, Spock. I do not divorce myself from such sensations the way . . . " Amanda abruptly stilled her tongue.
"It's all right, Mother." Spock commented. "We both know how you were going to complete that sentence."
"Your hands are trembling, Spock."
Caught off-guard by her observation, Spock noticed the obvious shaking of his hands and then placed them out of view behind his back.
"Your skin also looks damp, even viewing it through the TeleCom." She remarked.
"I had taken a shower before you called."
"The dampness on your skin has grown more noticeable during our conversation."
Silence.
"Spock." Amanda called to him. "You are ill."
"It is nothing for you to worry yourself about. I was readying myself for meditation when I heard your signal. After my session, my bio signs will approach a more normal range."
"But your symptoms . . . if I had not known you were not due for another episode for three years, it would appear you are showing signs of the coming of the . . . "
"Woman, I am your son, but not your child!" He scolded her in a voice filled with rage. "You will not concern yourself with this matter for another moment!"
Although her face showed signs of hurt by his outburst, she knew his condition had fueled the harsh response. With this realization, his angry words only served to strengthen her resolve. "You must know that is impossible, Spock." Amanda sternly retorted. "You and Sarek are everything to me."
Back on the Academy grounds, Uhura looked to the Vulcan who appeared distracted by his own thoughts.
"Spock . . . "
The Vulcan turned back to her. "What time of day did she speak with you?"
"Late Friday evening."
"She called you."
"Yes."
"Besides the song, what was the content of your discussion?"
"The content of the conversation is personal, Spock." She said quickly, not wanting to reveal Amanda seemed interested in encouraging a romantic relationship between herself and Spock.
"Did she speak of the two of us?"
Aware of his growing agitation, Uhura did not respond.
"Nyota, did she speak of the two of us?"
Spock's volume rose to the point where she could no longer ignore his question, for fear Spock would unintentionally call attention to their presence to those passing by.
"I told her our relationship had ended and we were both seeing other people."
Uhura watched as the Vulcan just stood there as if he were not expecting her answer. Finally, he nodded slightly and said. "It is well she believes this. Maybe she will now cease to contact you."
"It is well she believes this? Spock, you said it as if you don't believe it."
"I am well aware of the facts, Nyota. I also am cognizant of you standing before me. Are you not the same person who waited for some time to meet with me - the person you supposedly are no longer interested in."
Uhura knew the "precious ones" would no doubt agree with Spock's assertion. Part of her wanted to run back into the dorm, surrendering to the uncertainty as to whether she could handle what might come next. Yet, her feet remained in place.
The East African told him. "I accept the fact that we are no longer a couple. However, there are some . . . things . . . that should be brought to closure."
"Tevul-tor vi' tu."
"Yes. Even after I learned it was a song title, it took me a while to discover the exact reference. The Vulcan phrase translates to the Federation language as Crash into You. However, the song title is actually Crash into Me. I was surprised the Vulcan translation was not more accurate."
"How long have you studied linguistics, Nyota?"
"I've had a serious interest in languages since I've been a child."
"Then I do not understand your failure not to recognize text is rarely translated verbatim from one language to another. Most times the essence of the text is best conveyed when placed in the voice and mindset of the people you are trying to reach."
"Yes . . . yes, of course." Uhura stammered, feeling stupid that Spock had to explain what she already knew to be true. "The pronoun – me – is rarely used in Vulcan speech."
"In the context of the song, the Vulcan pronoun for – you – appears to be a fitting substitute without altering the meaning of the song."
"How do you know that? After I found a source for the lyrics3, I did some research on the intent behind the song. I even viewed a number of performances by the composer – a man born in the 20 century named Dave Matthews. According to my findings, there is quite a bit of disagreement on the song's meaning. In fact, it seems as if that may have been one of the reasons why it was chosen for study on Vulcan as part of a training module on human culture."
"Mother, again." Spock remarked.
"Oh no, you don't." Uhura quickly spoke up. "I'm not going to let you put this on Amanda. You're the one who wrote Tevul-tor vi' tu on a note intended for me. And, I want to know what you meant by it."
"I do not understand why you believe such knowledge will bring you a sense of resolution."
"Let me be the judge of that."
"Having is not so pleasing as wanting. It is not logical, but it is often true."4
"You're evading, Spock."
Saying nothing, Spock stood still for a few moments. Then he suddenly moved into the shadows to the bench where Uhura had previously sat while waiting for him to arrive.
Uhura followed Spock into the relative darkness and saw he had taken a seat on the bench. "Usually, when someone is about to reveal the truth, doing so in the light is considered a more appropriate complement."
"Our prolonged conversation at this hour may draw undue attention. It may be more prudent not to be so conspicuous."
"That's funny, coming from someone who passes by my window each night."
"As you have already observed, I do not come by at the same time. When I come close to your residence hall, my walk would hold no significance to anyone else, but you. Yet, it was never my intent to make my presence known to you."
"Then, why do you do it?"
"First, I thought you wanted to learn the significance of the song."
"Yes . . . Yes . . . the song." She stammered, feeling more anxious than she had ever felt with Spock. When she took a breath to calm herself, it did not go unnoticed by Spock.
"Will you not sit down?" Spock asked from his seat on the bench.
"I'm fine right here." Uhura replied and crossed her arms across her chest, as she remained standing across from him.
When Spock rose up, Uhura clumsily took a step back. "Why are you so uncomfortable in my presence?" He asked her. "Do you no longer trust me?"
Uhura could not find her voice to tell him . . .
She could not confess . . .
That it was not him . . .
She did not trust herself . . .
"Proceed with you story." She told him. "I can't be out here all night."
"Very well." Spock paused for a moment as if to collect his thoughts before he proceeded. Then, he continued. "When one thinks of the great music composers of your world - Brahms, Beethoven, Stravinsky, Armstrong and Coltrane - it is difficult to image one of your pop songs of the 1990s to be the subject of relatively great study and debate. Yet, this was the case with Tevul-tor vi' tu . . . Crash into Me. The subject matter of a voyeur describing his obsession for a woman seemed quite inappropriate for music. According to the lyrics, the object of his affections appears to be involved with someone else. Yet, he confesses he is . . . Lost for you . . . I'm so lost for you . . . You come crash into me . . . and I come into you."
Uhura commented. "If his obsession were not so dark, it would appear to be most juvenile. He even states he sees this all through the lens of a boy's dream."
"His fixation on this woman has reduced him to childlike behavior as he experiences a sense of awe . . . wonder . . . delight . . . "
" . . . as well as lust, sex and perversion. With lines like . . . Oh I watch you there through the window . . . And I stare at you . . . You wear nothing but you wear it so well . . . tied up and twisted the way I'd like to be . . . Spock,it is hardly a typical love song."
"Then, you must see why such a display of raw and seemingly contradictory emotions would be quite fascinating to the Vulcan mind."
"And so, you were attracted to the song as an intellectual exercise?"
"When I first encountered the song as a youth, I must admit I spent a considerable amount of time with it engaged in analytical contemplation. At the time, it was often one of the few topics in which my father and I debated at any length."
Uhura recalled this was confirmed by a conversation she had with Amanda about the matter.
"Did your father's interpretation differ significantly from your own?"
"In retrospect, I would not say the differences in our analyses were negligible. However, there was one comment I did not fully understand until I came to live among humans."
"What did he say?"
"Throughout most of the universe, sex is a fact. However, for humans, it's an obsession."5
Her laughter suddenly filled the air and its sound pleased him. With her arms now at her sides, she appeared more relaxed and receptive.
"I can see how an alien would feel that way about humans." She remarked. "Our preoccupation with sex definitely goes far beyond what is due for such a basic instinct. I suppose the same can be said for our perception of love."
"The song seems to meld sex and love together as inseparable entities."
"I could never have sex with someone I did not love."
"You are in love with Cadet Kirk?"
"He's been good to me. A very good friend." Uhura knew her response was as unsatisfactory as it was when the "precious ones" had addressed the issue with her. However, saying it before Spock made her words sound even more hypocritical.
"You have expressed similar sentiments toward your Orion roommate. Yet, I doubt if you have had sex with her."
"Nor have I had sex with Kirk." She blurted out before she had time to guard such an answer. "Not yet, anyways."
"Then, you do not bear his child?"
"No, Spock. Of course, not. Why would you . . ."
The Vulcan's sudden uncontrollable trembling halted her speech. He barely found his way back to the bench as he tried to abate his involuntary bodily shaking.
"Spock . . . Spock!" Uhura called to him as she came to his side and retrieved her communicator from a pocket. "I'll call for medical help."
"No!" He snapped harshly, grabbing her communicator and throwing it to the ground.
Undaunted, she reached a hand up to the tab of his zipper to make him more comfortable, but he barked, "Do not touch me!"
"Damn it, Spock, I want to help you!"
"It will pass . . . it will not be much longer."
Uhura heard his words, but it seemed like an eternity before his bodily quivers began to subside. She sat next to him helplessly until a sigh finally escaped his lips and his body calmed itself.
Silence.
Then, Uhura spoke quietly. "Is this the reason why you were at the Medical Treatment Facility this morning?"
"I want to complete the story."
"What story? The reference to the song on the note? Do you really think I care about that, now? I want to know what the doctor told you about your condition."
"If I tell you, will you then listen to the remainder of my tale?"
"Yes."
"My affliction is a natural biological occurrence with Vulcans. I regret you had to witness it under these circumstances."
"This morning at the clinic, you seemed quite agitated when you were speaking with Nurse Binkowski."
"I was seeking assistance to reduce the symptoms. Unfortunately, when an episode occurs, it is difficult to keep one's emotions in check. Of course, these outbursts can be quite disturbing to the uninitiated."
"How long will you suffer from its effects?"
"The duration is difficult to predict, but the cycle does eventually reach its climax."
"And, then, will you regain a sense of normalcy?" She asked, her tone and facial expression still betraying her deep concern.
Spock fell silent, again. He would not lie to her, but neither could he tell her the truth about his deteriorating condition. When she realized he would not answer her, Uhura crouched down to the ground to retrieve her damaged communicator.
"You owe me a new instrument, Mister." Uhura said in mock disgust. "From the looks of it, this Academy-issue communicator is beyond repair." She stood up and held the instrument before him.
"I will trade it in for you." The Vulcan told her as he rose from his seat and reached out to take it from her hand.
However . . .
When his hand slid across hers . . .
The communicator slipped out and fell back to the ground . . .
The East African started to crouch down to pick it back up . . .
But Spock's look . . .
His look alone . . .
Halted her progress . . .
For she could see it in his eyes . . .
Lost for you, I'm so lost for you . . .
His large hand enveloped her own and held on . . .
A gentle squeeze of her hand . . .
And, the heat of his body entered her own . . .
You come crash into me . .
And I come into you . . .
And her emotions were exposed before him . . .
Tied up and twisted, the way I'd like to be . . .
And he told her . . .
"When I wrote the note, I did not have the words to tell you "
"I did not know how to tell you."
In a boys dream . . .
In a boys dream . . .
"When you did not respond, I thought you had rejected me . . ."
"But I did not stop wanting you . . ."
"Ashayam . . ."
Crash into me . . .
Crash into me . . .
Crash into me . . .
And he called her name . . .
"Nyota . . . "
She answered . . .
"Yes, Spock."
So lost was she under the Vulcan's spell . . .
"You must not allow Cadet Kirk to bed you."
Author's Note: In the next chapter, when Uhura resists to agreeing to Spock's directive, the Vulcan tries to affect her resolve with a mutual memory.
Your comments are always appreciated.
1 Spock wrote the note to Uhura to offer her instruction in Vulcan after her attempt to speak to him in his native language made her a laughingstock to her peers. Spock tried to send the note to Uhura via Academic Advisor Dr. Greeley. However, Greeley refrained from giving the East African the note for 2 1/2 years since she believed the note might include criticisms that may unduly intimidate Uhura. The incident is dramatized in Chapters 4 & 5 of my story, "Needs."
2 In this case, Spock is referring to Betazoid empathic abilities.
3 Google Crash into Me by Dave Matthews.
4 Spock originally said this quote in the TOS episode, "Amok Time."
5 A paraphrase of a quote by Marlene Dietrich who originally stated, "In America, sex is an obsession, in other parts of the world it's a fact."