Dear Jack

Chapter 2: 2009

~.~

Thanks so much for the reviews and birthday wishes! Whoever said they are guessing this isn't going to be a happy story, well…I'm not going to lie and say it is, haha.

~.~

You're a brave girl,

And I know it's only just started…

-Jack's Mannequin, There, There Katie

~.~

"Anaplastic Large Cell Lymphoma," Chandler repeated what Dr. Craig had just told them, the words hard to force out of his mouth, catching on his tongue. "Stage four…stage four isn't good." Monica, who was sitting beside him in Dr. Craig's office, squeezed his hand as he spoke.

"Stage four is the most advanced, yes," Dr. Craig replied. "In the case of ALCL, it means that a body system outside of the lymph nodes is involved, which, in Erica's case, is the tumor in her chest," he paused. "But the good news is, that as far as aggressive cancers go, this one isn't so bad. The 5-year survival rate is over seventy-percent."

"Meaning thirty percent don't survive for five years," Monica spoke up softly, having not said a word since they walked into the office.

"So, what happens now?" Chandler asked, glossing over Monica's comment, not wanting to even think of that possibility at the moment.

"Chemotherapy. A combination regimen of four different drugs is usually used in this case, referred to as CHOP. I can go into greater detail about what each of the drugs does, of course, but I'll go over the regimen first," Dr. Craig pulled out a small stack of papers, setting it close to them on his desk in front of them. "Before we start, we can insert a central line into her chest, so that each time she comes in for treatment or needs blood taken, it can be done through that, instead of a needle every time. Once we start the CHOP therapy, each cycle consists of 5 days of treatment with a rest period of 21 days in-between. Generally, 6 to 8 cycles are given, and we will re-evaluate after the first 4 cycles to see what progress we're making," he continued on, setting down a few pamphlets, as well. "I know this is all a lot to take in," he looked from Monica to Chandler, both silent. "If you want to go home, read some of this over, and come back in the morning, we can do that."

Chandler looked at Monica, who was now staring at the desk in front of them. "Mon?"

Monica stared ahead for a few more moments, finally shaking her head. "No," she said quietly. "Let's go over all of it now."

"Mon-"

"Now is good," Monica nodded, now speaking more firmly. "We're talking about our 5-year-old daughter, so, now is good."

Dr. Craig looked again from Monica to Chandler, who slowly nodded in agreement. "Okay, I've scheduled surgery to insert the central line on Friday, you can plan on going home over the weekend, and coming back for the first day of chemo on Monday. This first day, we will have Erica stay here over night to monitor her, but after that, it will be done on an outpatient basis…."

~.~

Chandler stood, alone, at the end of a long stretch of hallway, staring at the pay phone in front of him. Erica was still in surgery. They had talked to Dr. Craig after she first went in, having had time to absorb the information he had given then a couple of days earlier, and came back with a list of questions. Well, Monica made the list, but they were definitely his questions, too.

They had asked if the possibility of needing a bone marrow donor could come up. Yes, it was a possibility. And, yes, biological relatives had a better chance of being a match. Jack could, of course, be tested, but he was so young…they didn't want to put him through that if they didn't have to. They had mentioned an open adoption; were they in touch with Erica's biological mother?

He and Monica had further discussed that one. The conclusion they had come to was, whether or not it came to needing a bone marrow donor, adult Erica had a right to know. They had sent her occasional updates on Erica and Jack, a few pictures, milestones, that kind of thing, and they had spoken openly with Jack and Erica about being adopted, as much as could be with such young children. And what if… They didn't even want to think of the what if of everything not turning out alright, but that possibility existed, and that certainly wasn't the phone call he wanted to be making.

Erica deserved to know now.

Chandler's cell phone had died, and Monica had somehow left home without hers, but, it turned out, pay phones still existed. Sticking his hand in his pocket, he pulled out a few quarters, unsure how much it would even cost to make a long distance call. Chandler stuck in the first quarter, suddenly fighting a lump in his throat. Leaning his head against the plastic frame of the pay phone, he closed his eyes, fighting back tears.

He wished he could text this news. Or email it. He wished that was appropriate. Because it had been his way of delivering it so far. It was how he told his boss at work, it was how they told Ross and Rachel, unable to get the words out yet, and they had spread the news to their family and friends. They had, of course, explained to Erica, and to Jack, about her being sick with the help of a nurse in the pediatric oncology department.

But, he hadn't said the words out loud yet: Erica has cancer. My daughter has cancer.

How the hell was Erica going to be the first one he spoke those words to?

Taking a deep breath, Chandler opened his eyes, pulling his head back, inserting the other two coins and dialing the phone number on the small slip of paper in his hand.

It rang once; Chandler swallowed the knot in his throat.

Twice; he tried to even out his breaths.

A third time-

"Hello?" Erica sounded confused, probably because of the unfamiliar number from an unfamiliar area code.

"Hey, Erica," Chandler began, trying to keep his voice steady. "It's-it's Chandler…."

~.~

"Cool," Jack sat on the edge of Erica's bed as she showed him the central line that had been inserted into her chest. "You're like a robot!"

"Nu-uh," Erica replied in a know-it-all tone, as if that had been the dumbest thing she had heard in her entire five years of life. "It's just for medicine so I don't have to get so many shots."

Jack shrugged, hopping down off the bed as Monica came over with Erica's clothes so that they could go home.

"Is Erica going to school next week?" he asked his mother, who handed Erica her clothes and Erica pouted, motioning for her mom and brother to turn around while she got dressed.

"Probably not," Monica responded slowly. They had discussed her going to school for her last few weeks of preschool, but decided the risk of catching something once her white blood cell count would inevitably bottom out wasn't worth it. She wasn't going to miss anything important and was already very ready to start kindergarten that fall, and her treatment would be done by then.

"Aw, you're gonna miss ice cream sundae day," Jack whined.

"Can I go on ice cream sundae day?" Erica asked her mother, hopping down from the bed.

"We'll see," Monica spoke slowly, wishing she could only understand what was happening through the eyes of a five-year-old, because she was worried about Erica missing out on a lot more than ice cream sundae day at school.

~.~

Monica sat across the kitchen table from Chandler, both of them on their laptops. She was reading everything she could about ALCL and chemotherapy and kids, article after article, forum after forum, while Chandler attempted to catch up on some of the work he had missed. They sat in silence after the kids had gone to bed, the tick of the clock on the wall the only sound filling the room.

"I'm going to take an indefinite leave of absence at work," Monica finally said quietly.

"What?" Chandler looked up at her.

"I'm going to take an indefinite leave of absence at work," she repeated. "At least, until Erica's done with treatment and the kids start school in the fall, and we'll see after that. We can't have her going to day care this summer and catching everything that goes around. And I want to be here with her if she's sick."

"Do you think Steve will be okay with that?" Chandler asked, referring to the owner of Monica's restaurant. "Can they find a replacement that quickly?"

Monica shrugged. "My sous chef is amazing. And if he's not okay with it," she paused, "I'll just quit permenantly."

"You love your job."

Monica smiled. "Before I ever wanted to be a chef, do you know what I wanted to be?" she paused, and before she even said the words, Chandler knew what they were going to be. "A mom. I can find another job."

Chandler nodded. "I'm letting someone else take over two of my biggest accounts," he finally admitted.

"What? Chandler, that's crazy. You've worked so hard for those."

"Is it?" he raised his eyebrows. "That's a little hypocritical." Monica remained silent at that. He sighed, rubbing his temples. "Although, I'm missing out on a lot of bonus potential, and we're already going to be paying back money for hospital bills until they're in college. I don't know," he shook his head, finally closing his laptop. "Let's just call it a night and go to bed, Mon."

Monica nodded slowly, watching him stand up from the table. "I'll be right up."

~.~

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine," Jack sang, sitting on the foot of Erica's bed, coloring in a coloring book, Erica sitting on the opposite end, coloring, as well. "You make me happy, when skies are gray. You'll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away. You are my sunshin-"

"Jackie, don't you know any other songs?" Monica asked, this having been about the fifth time he repeated it.

Jack shrugged. "We sang that song and the fishies song at school today, but I don't know all the words to the fishies song."

"I didn't have to go to school today," Erica bragged, grinning. So far, she hadn't had any side effects to the chemo she had received earlier in the day.

"And you're gonna miss ice cream sundae day," Jack reminded her.

"Yea, but, I got a popsicle earlier," Erica replied, finishing coloring her picture. "Mommy, can I give this picture to Nurse Janine?" she asked, holding it up for her mom to see. "She gave me this sticker earlier," she pointed to the butterfly sticker on her pajama shirt.

Monica smiled at that. "I'm sure that would make her very happy."

"Mommy, how do you spell Nurse Janine?" Erica asked, crayon still in her hand. "T-O," she spelled out loud as she wrote the letters down.

"N-U-R-S-E space J-A-N-I-N-E," Monica spelled it out for her.

"Do I have to sleep here tonight?" Erica asked. "I want to go home. I don't feel sick."

"Yea, sorry, baby," Monica stood up, moving over to the bed. "Just for tonight, though." Erica sighed audibly. "I'm going to stay here with you all night, though."

"What about Daddy and Jack?"

"They have to go home and sleep."

Erica frowned. "Can we get ice cream tomorrow since I'm missing ice cream day?"

Monica laughed. "Sure, we can get ice cream tomorrow…."

~.~

Monica sprinkled a few chocolate chips into the pancakes she was making, chocolate chip pancakes being a special treat since it was the morning of Jack and Erica's preschool graduation. Erica had been talking all week about how excited she was to see all of her friends since she hadn't seen them in the last few weeks. She had been doing surprisingly well with treatment so far, only having a slightly increased appetite, which they had been told could be a possibility, as well as being slightly more tired the last couple of weeks.

At the sound of Erica screaming, Monica dropped the spatula she was holding, having been about to flip a pancake, and ran towards the stairs, nearly colliding with Chandler, who was running up towards her room, as well.

When Monica and Chandler reached her room, though, they only found Jack, sitting at the foot of her bed. About to apprehend him for what they suspected to be some sort of fight between the two siblings, Jack shook his head, pointing to the pile of hair on her pillow.

"She's in the bathroom," he explained. "Her hairs are falling out."

Monica turned around, walking around Chandler and towards the hall bathroom.

"Erica," she knocked on the door. "Sweetie, can I come in?"

"No!" Erica shouted from behind the door, and Monica heard her lean against it, door hitting the frame audibly.

"Remember when the nurses were talking to you about your medicine?" Monica asked, knowing that telling a 5-year-old her hair might fall out and her hair actually falling out were two different things entirely.

Erica finally opened the door, appearing red-eyed from behind it, still crying. "But-if-I-don't-have-hair-I'll-look-like-a-boy," she sobbed, accepting her mother's arms around her as Monica kneeled down to her level to hug her.

"No, you won't," Monica reassured her.

"But-but-but," Erica pulled back, trying to hold in her sobs, reaching up and literally pulling out a clump of hair. "I-I lo-ook stu-u-pid," she trailed off crying, Monica again hugging her.

"Hey, remember when Uncle Joey shaved his head for that movie?" Monica asked softly, Erica's sobs finally subsiding. Erica nodded, pulling back. "If we shave the rest of it off, then you'll just look really cool like he did, not stupid at all."

Erica nodded slowly, thinking that through. "Kay."

Fifteen minutes later, Monica walked into the kitchen, Erica following close behind, eyes still red-rimmed, and hair now completely gone.

"We finished pancakes," Jack announced, sitting on the counter beside the stove, Chandler standing beside him, spatula in hand. "I put chocolate chips and blueberries in yours," he said, looking at his sister, who smiled at that.

Chandler watched his daughter sadly slump into one of the kitchen chairs, Jack hopping down from the counter. Chandler then handed Jack both of the plates to carry over to the table, making sure he made it without dropping them before looking up to meet Monica's eye, knowing before he even looked up that she would be holding back tears.

And she was.

~.~

"Erica, go get your shoes on. We're going to be late," Monica warned as she came across Erica in the living room, sitting on the couch in front of a blank TV screen, Jack and Chandler already standing by the front door, ready to leave.

"I'm. Not. Going," Erica stated slowly, folding her littler arms across her chest.

"Sweetie, why not?" Monica asked softly, though she knew exactly why. "You were so excited to see your friends!"

Erica shook her head. "Everyone is gonna stare at me, 'cause I don't have any hair, and girls are s'posed to have hair," she stated. "Ben can come babysit me," she added, her cousin Ben being her favorite babysitter.

"Ben's already there with Emma and Uncle Ross and Aunt Rachel," Monica explained, and Erica's face fell further still.

"I'm not going!" she repeated, more firmly this time, Jack running up the stairs.

"You can wear a hat," Monica offered.

Erica sighed sadly, sinking back into the couch. "Hats are against the rules at school."

Chandler finally turned and headed towards the stairs, going up after Jack. They had discussed that they wanted to make a point not to let him feel left out in any way or that his sister was getting special treatment or more loved in any way, knowing that she would probably be receiving much more attention.

"Jack," Chandler called out softly, looking first in his room. "Jack?" he repeated, heading towards the master bedroom since he had already walked past Erica's room, as well.

"I'm in here!" Jack's little voice came from the master bathroom, Chandler heading in there. Jack sat on his knees, on the counter in front of the mirror, pair of scissors in hand, a chunk of hair already missing from the front.

"Buddy, what are you doing?" Chandler asked. "You're not supposed to play with scissors without asking first. You might get hurt."

"Erica never does anything against the rules, and she got hurt, anyway," Jack replied, but handed the scissors to his father anyway. "I want to cut all my hairs off, too, so everyone doesn't stare at Erica," he turned to face Chandler.

Chandler felt tears stinging the back of his eyes at that statement, nodding in agreement. "Good idea," he managed to whisper, opening a drawer and pulling out his electric razor. "You sure?" he asked Jack, who nodded enthusiastically as Chandler turned it on.

"Uh-huh."

"Boys! Time to go!" Monica's voice yelled up the hallway. "I called Rachel, and they're waiting for us!"

"Be down in a sec, Mon," Chandler called back down to her.

Monica looked up at the sound of the boys coming down the stairs, not sure if she should smile or cry at the site in front of her: both of them had shaved their heads completely.

Erica, though, grinned, running over to her brother.

"Let's go, babe," Chandler said softly, reaching out for Monica's hand, the four of them heading out the door together.

~.~

"Miss Jenni, we missed the Bs!" Erica whispered. "We're before Mike in the ABC's!" she pointed to the line. They had arrived late and came in quietly through the back door. Chandler and Monica stopped along the wall, Chandler pulling out a video camera.

"It's okay," Miss Jenni, one of their teachers assured her. "Just hop on at the end of the line. We won't forget about you. Promise," she smiled at the little girl.

"C'mon," Jack reached for his sister's hand, holding it as they walked up to the front of the room, one of their other teachers standing in the front, calling out names as the students walked across the room to her, hugging her and receiving a certificate as the parents and other family members in the crowd applauded.

Rachel turned around from their seat in the crowd, waving at Chandler and Monica once she saw Jack and Erica, before turning back towards the front.

"Maddi Waverly," the other teacher called, the second to the last student in front of them, Erica still clutching tightly to her brother's hand as the crowd applauded. "Zoe Young," she continued. "Jack Bing." Erica dropped his hand, letting him walk across the room. "Erica Bing." Erica walked quickly over to her teacher, nearly running, throwing herself into her arms in a hug, before heading towards the other children.

Monica wiped her eyes, everyone clapping louder and longer, standing up from their seats, as Erica crossed the room. Chandler reached for her hand, squeezing it tightly, the crowd in front of them now blocking their view. He adjusted his position slightly, Jack and Erica spotting him and waving at the camera, everyone still clapping, as he attempted to swallow the knot in his throat as Monica squeezed his hand back, not attempting to hide the tears in his eyes.

Overwhelmed by the beauty of the scene in front of him and the frightening possibility that his may be the only graduation of hers they would be able to attend, he decided it was one of those times when a grown man was openly allowed to cry.