As an attempt to get back into comedic writing, I'm writing this little fic just to make me laugh so… yeah.

This is the New Year's Special for DATC and since it's 01/1/2012... Happy Birthday Xemnas!

Without further ado, I present to you: "Kingdom Heart Birthdays".

Disclaimers: Kingdom Hearts and final Fantasy is not mine in anyway but I'd like to think the idea is. Simple and Clean is not mine either.

I hope you enjoy.

DATC will soon be back to its normal randomness.

Xemnas looks down at the glass coffee table, furiously resisting the urge to slam his head through it. All around him, the various members of his group, Organization XIII, were happily celebrating an occasion that he himself would have gladly refused to acknowledge.

Today was his birthday.

Xemnas had told no one about his birthday but it had somehow gotten out, prompting the other members of the Organization to hold an impromptu party. Xion, despite being afraid of him, had been the most active besides Saïx. She had been the one to startle him awake and drag him half-conscious to the Gray Room, sticking a folded paper crown on his head, declaring him "King of [his] birthday".

He watches as Number VIII, Axel, sucks in a deep breath as the youngest member of the Organization cheerfully pushes a large black cart into the room. He begins to laugh in amusement, shaking his head in surprise. On this cart was a three tier cake, all covered in large colorful splotches of frosting as if some maniac had been loose around cake decorating tools and decided to make the cake explode with color. Judging from the decoration, he supposed that Xion had done it herself, hence the proud look on the girl's face.

"Happy birthday to you…. Happy birthday, dear Superior…. Happy birthday to you!" Xion sings softly in a high-pitched but not unpleasant voice, prompting the other members to pause in their alcohol consumption, destruction of the Gray Room and book-reading. All thirteen members begin belting out the lyrics to the Birthday Song as loudly as they could.

Xigbar and Xaldin, who had been chugging as much alcohol as they could fit into their Nobody bodies, hiccup and grin drunkenly at their so-called leader. "Hell yeah, happy birt-day, Superah!" Xigbar, the obviously more drunk of the pair, howls at the top of his lungs, taking another swig of his white bottle of sake. He raises his hand and, true to his name the "Freeshooter", summons a large crossbow-like gun. He grins and fires the purple weapon up in the air, causing several of the younger Nobodies to shriek (Demyx) or to slash the falling arrows out of the air with a handful of electricity-charged daggers (Larxene).

The offended member glares at Xigbar, irritation showing in her dark blue eyes. Larxene immediately marches over and snatches the bottle of liquor away from the senior member. "You stupid fuck! You coulda killed someone! Especially me!" She snarls viciously, brandishing her daggers in emphasis, keeping them in the spaces between her fingers as if she was some sort of cat. Xigbar only chuckles and leans in to slur something into her ear.

Xemnas could only watch as Xigbar goes flying into the wall, only to be engulfed by a huge black portal. A scarred hand appears out of a second and much smaller Corridor of Darkness and grabs Larxene by two strands of blond hair that stuck up like antennae. She screams and immediately starts throwing knives into the portals only to duck when the Foudres (and some arrows) fly back at her.

"… Hey, when it's my birthday, do I have to get Xigbar drunk?" Roxas, the thirteenth member, asks curiously. Axel only shrugs, watching the spectacle in amusement. "I'd like to think that we're all going to get drunk on your birthday, Roxie ol' pal. … Dude, Xigbar's birthday's gonna be next. That should be fun." Axel chuckles as the other members finish singing "Happy Birthday" to Xemnas who had long since stopped paying attention. Soon, only Demyx was left strumming the birthday song and singing in a low mournful voice that would be appropriate for a funeral march. Apparently, he did not take being shot at well.

"Blow out the candles, S-Superior…" Xion says softly, nudging the gaudy cake at her boss. He blinks before noticing the single solitary candle on the very top of the cake. Xemnas almost smiles when he sees that the young Replica had carefully scribbled "Happy Birthday, Sir" on it. The second tier had "You son of a bitch, Terra" in an extremely messy scrawl. He could only assume that Xigbar had graffitied the cake. And had some liquor.

"Superior. The tradition is to blow out the candle and make a wish." Saïx murmurs softly to him in a helpful voice, reaching over to light the black candle. He strikes the match and places the tiny flame to the wick. It immediately catches aflame and Xemnas is oddly captivated by the small light, vaguely remembering a similar sight somewhere in his memory.

'Make a wish, make a wish!'

'Come on, we're all waiting for you.'

'Happy birthday, my student.'

He smiles and closes his eyes, pausing to think about what he wanted for this year. Xemnas knew it was somewhat childish to actually wish for something but it felt right in a way. He could almost feel someone's hands on his shoulders, though he knew no one was there. He finally settles on the perfect wish: to gain Kingdom Hearts and take over the worlds. That was simple enough, right?

A loud crash makes Xemnas open his eyes and he watches as four of the founding members (Zexion, Vexen, Lexaeus and Xaldin) begin to try to wrestle an extremely intoxicated Xigbar off of the ceiling. Xigbar begin to shoot randomly at the ground, ending up making most of the neophytes run and duck for cover. One of the arrows slam into the punch bowl and nearly ended up as a new piercing for Luxord's nose, only to have the time master stop it with an oversized playing card.

Marluxia wasn't so lucky; he drops to the ground, moaning loudly as the arrow protrudes somewhere… very unpleasant. He probably wouldn't sitting for a week or so while his rear recovered. Xemnas sighs and looks at Saïx. VII immediately got the idea and walked over to the injured Nobody, giving him a kick in the legs and began to bandage the bleeding body part.

Xemnas rubs his temples as everyone began to laugh at the unfortunate Marluxia and at Xigbar when the alcohol finally took effect, knocking him unconscious and sending him tumbling to the ground. He passes out as soon as he hit the couch, snoring loudly.

"Oi, let's get 'im!" Axel shouts and several Dusks appear, each brandishing an oversized marker. The youngest Nobodies cheer and run to grab them, each one laughing as they began to scribble profanities and very bad doodles on the unconscious Xigbar. Axel, despite being much older than them, eagerly joins in on the fun, snickering as he writes "Pirate Bitch" on Xigbar's forehead.

Xemnas smiles for the first time that night, adjusts the large paper crown he still wore and made his wish: "I wish this would never end."

A Few Hours Later

Xemnas hiccups loudly and grins cheerfully at Xion and Roxas, who were sitting next to him on the couch. Both teenagers were shaking violently, too terrified to move. "And as I was sayin'…. Hic! Lemme tell ya somethin' about when I was a boy… no, we didn' have no crazy guy with a key runnin' round… No actually we did! You wanna know what I was when I was a boy? … Lemme tell you." He slurs cheerfully, laughing at nothing in particular. The now empty sake bottle hung loosely from his left hand as he leans his head back, staring up at the ceiling in amusement.

"… He's… still talking…" Xion whispers in fear, staring at her friend. She quickly hides her head beneath her hood, as if it would give her some form of protection. Roxas only scoots away from the drunken Nobody.

"You wanna know what I was when I was a boy? I was a bald guy in big baggy pants! I swear to Kingdom Hearts, I was a bald old man in baggy ass pants! And I had an apprentice named… I dunno, let's just call him Joe, and he wore a fishbowl on his head! A fucking fish bowl! I swears it's the truth! And then I stole this body and became a sexy motherfuck-hic!-er!" Xemnas declares, laughing hysterically.

Xion and Roxas glance at each other and look over at Axel, who was sipping at his own bottle. He raises an eyebrow and shrugs. "It's his birthday. Let him drink if he wants to." He says calmly, looking as if he didn't really give a damn about what Xemnas was raving about. And considering how much liquor he had drunk so far, he probably didn't.

"And you, Roxas! You had your shirt off when the opening started playing! "When you walk away, you don't hear me say… something… something something. Don't go! Simple and something is the way that you…." It was all fan service! That's all it was!" Xemnas shrieks as Lexaeus and Vexen grab his arms, picking him up off of the couch. "It was all FAN SERVICE! AND I'M A -hic!- BALD MAN! I SWEAR TO KINGDOM-hic!- HEARTS I'M A BALD MAN!"

"… Dude, he needs to fucking chill." Xigbar says in annoyance, holding his aching head. He fires an arrow-gun in Xemnas's direction and smiles when it grazes again the struggling Nobody's face, knocking him unconscious. "Happy fucking birthday." He says with an evil grin before curling back up and going back to sleep.