After a week of being in the hospital it felt nice to be home again. He luckily had been allowed to have Kumajiru stay with him while there so he didn't really have to worry. He unlocked the door and walked in smiling, Kumajiru trailing behind him, turning on the lights as they went. His smile faded though as he looked at his kitchen. It reminded him of all the breakfasts he'd shared with a certain albino and the fact that he seen or heard from the man since the night of the accident and the nurses said they hadn't visited him while he was asleep. He had to accept the fact that Gilbert didn't want him anymore, no matter how much it hurt because holding on would only be worse. Problem was he didn't want to.
He leaned against the door frame for support as his body trembled with tears running down his face. He didn't know why this was getting to him so bad its not like he was in love with Prussia . . . Was he in love with Prussia? He'd never thought about it before and anyway it didn't matter anymore 'cause Prussia didn't love or want him. His sobs became harsher as he reminded himself of the painful fact. They got to the point where he collapsed to his knees, body convulsing violently face soaked with tears as the sound of desperate sobs filled the air.
"Whats the matter?" Kumajiru asked a paw on Mathews shaking knees, concern for his mater in his eyes.
"I . . .I just realized I'm in . . . In love with . . . someone and they, they don't l . . . love me." he bawled, voicing it only made it all the more real and the more real it was the more it hurt.
"Silver?" this knickname for Gilbert only made the wound in his heart even bigger. Why did his bear have to be perceptive of things now.
"Yes." he smiled sadly at the bear. Suddenly its expression when back to its standard blank and he looked up at him and blinked "Who?" Mathew sighed and stood up wiping the still flowing tears form his face. He slowly made his way to his room where he flopped onto his bed grabbed the largest pillow and cried himself to sleep in it.
"Hit me again." the Albino called sliding his mug to the bartender who just shook his head, filled it and slid it back The man had been here everyday for the past week drinking like a fish, he probably had his reasons most likely they weren't happy but the bartender wasn't going to ask it wasn't his place but he was curious none the less. "Hey." the man said staring down into his half drained mug.
"Yes sir?" he asked as he washed the bar down.
"What . . . What would you do if the person that meant the most to you in the world somehow always got hurt more than usual when you were around you couldn't do anything about it and even though its not your fault you still feel responsible?" his face was blank but his eyes were filled with troubled pain.
"Well sir considering that they would mean the world to me I wouldn't want to see them hurt so I would stay away from them so that they don't even if it hut me." he replied after some thought. This certainly explained why the man had been here so much, he couldn't help but feel sorry for the man, he was obviously hurting, bad.
"Yeah and his family's certainly enjoying it but Gott it hurts so bad I can barely tolerate it anymore. Damn it when did the awesome me become such a god damn fuckin' pussy!? It's all his fucking fault!" he exclaimed banging his fists on the bar "Ive never fuckin' felt this way before not even for that prissy bastard Austria!" his voice began to trembled "Its all his fault that I'm falling apart at the seams and the only thing that dulls the pain is alcohol which is why im drinking myself in to oblivion. Gott I don't even fuckin' care anymore. I wish I'd never met that cowardly, weak, soft spoken, sweet, innocent, kind, accepting, perfect, beautiful, blond angel." his tone soft "I wish he had been more like his brother." then barely a whisper "I wouldn't have fallen for him that way."
"Now Bruder we both know thats not true. Meeting him made you a better person and it helped bring you out of that depression you were in from being stuck with Russia and Austria marrying Hungary." the large blond man who had entered halfway through the rant said, putting a hand on his brothers shoulder.
"Yeah and you know what West he's giving me a depression that's ten times worse I swear it to you!" he snapped shaking the bigger mans hand off of him.
"No he's not. This ones self induced and did you even think of how he feels? You were his only and best friend, the only one that always noticed and always remembered him. Damn it Prussia did you ever stop to think about how he feels about this? Your just being a selfish ass again big brother."
"No actually West I'm not. I just don't want him to be hurt anymore and me staying away from him is the best way for that." Prussia said.
"He'll always be hurt, it doesn't matter around or around or not. Doing this is hurting him." West countered.
"That's what I thought but England and America are right he gets hurt a lot more when I'm around." he stood "I'm staying out of Canada's life and that final." then he ran/stormed out of the bar. His younger brother just sighed shaking his head, payed, then went after the albino.
"Never thought I'd hear you admit something like that." Ludwig said when he caught up to his brother "Too bad its the wrong time and wrong thing."
"Why do you even fuckin' care so damn much all of a sudden!?" the elder snapped, spinning to face the broad German "You didn't give a rats ass when fuckin' Austria broke my heart! Why the hell now, why this time!?" he was on the verge of crying but he was too awesome for that so he fought back the tears.
"Because I know that you two belong together!" the blond yelled back, losing his cool but he quickly recomposed himself. Gilbert stood there in shock from both Ludwig's show of emotion and from what he had said. Part of him knew it was true but that only proved to make him hurt more. Fuck he needed a beer. This time when the tears came he couldn't stop them all he could do was look at the ground and pray they would go unnoticed. But they didn't. When Germany saw that his brother was crying he felt a pang of guilt in his gut but no regret. Silently he pulled his trembling brother into a comforting hug.
"Ich weiß Westen aber . . . Aber ich . . . Ich nur . . . Ihn . . . Wey . . ." Gilbert sobbed into his brothers shoulder, he felt so unawesome to be honest he felt down right pathetic. Eventually he managed to stop crying, soothed by his brother. "I think that's the most unawesome thing I've ever done. I never want to do it again." he pouted.
"We all do 'unawesome' things and we all have to cry sometimes even 'The Awesome Gilbert Beildershmidt'." Ludwig replied letting his prideful brother go.
"Why does it feel like your the older one in this conversation?" Prussia scowled, he hated that.
"Because your being childish." Germany let his composure drop once more but just enough to chuckle deeply at his Großer Bruder. "Come on lets go home."
IMSOSORRYTHISTOOKSOLONG!!! and just so you all no i almost cried when i was writing this i feel like such a cry baby and thats one of the reasons im taking so damn long to write this cuz its so sad and trust me in the next chapter your going to get really pissed at england i am and my dear new beta im sorry i didnt wait for you to send the revised version to me (thats why this one sucks) but i gladly await to see my other story you have im sure you did great things with it
review so i have the will to finish this please!!!