Chapter 2: I hate woods

"On second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place." -Monty Python

Everfree Forest

Deep inside, Charles knew that trudging through a thick, dark forest with scarce lightning was an idiotic idea. He had decided to leave the ruins in a haste, hoping to find some sort of way out of the inhospitable woods and locate more comforting signs of civilization in the immediate area. The air was cold and damp, sending an involuntary chill through his spine. While he knew it was just a childish imagination, he swore he could feel the trees bending down to try and block his path.

Charles' mind was a literal mess. He had no idea where he was, he had no idea where he was heading, and he had even less than no idea how the hell he even managed to make his way here. Hadn't he been so preoccupied with being deep in his thoughts, he would have noticed the root sticking out of the ground.

"Shit!"

He fell face first into a pool of mud, splattering his clothes with the sticky substance, and smacked his nose hard, resulting in a trickle of blood pouring out of it. Charles muttered another "shit" before picking himself up and continuing on, now freezing even more because of his wet clothes.

Fuck this shit, I'll be glad to get out of here.

Of course, Charles didn't have the broadest vocabulary, seeing as he had repeated "shit" three times now.

Shit.

After several more agonizing minutes of stumbling around on the uneven forest road, crossing a crooked bridge, stumbling around some more, freezing his nipples off and cursing, his progress was halted as he arrived at the bank of a river. The road seemed to continue on by the other side, so he knew he had to cross somehow.

Charles approached the water. The currents seemed violent, and he had no immediate interest right now in drowning, so he looked around for a safer way to cross. True enough, he found several rocks that were spaced appropriately enough to serve as stepping stones. Walking towards them, he noticed they looked slippery; he gulped nervously, knowing that a single mistake would sent him plummeting into the dark waters, with Life probably awarding him a permanent Game Over screen. He knew he couldn't turn back either, because there seemed to be no other way around. He sighed.

"Well then. Let's do this."

Carefully, he assessed the distance to the first stone and took a very ungraceful leap into the air, like some drunk ballerina in concrete shoes. He landed right onto the stone, panting out in relief. He steadied himself and started leaping again, managing to make good progress across the river.

One the second-to-last stone however, everything went down the shitter. He tried to regain his balance, but slipped and fell into the streams. The currents dragged him down, making him unable to reach the surface no matter how hard he struggled. He felt his lungs would explode, his vision already starting to blacken.

Jesus fuck, I'm going to die here!

Suddenly, he felt something grab him from behind a lift him up to the surface, finally let him gulp in large amounts of precious air. He sighed in relief as he was carefully put down onto the riverbank by his mysterious savior. Charles coughed violently, vomiting copious amounts of water with each fit, before calming down a bit and turning around towards his guardian angel.

Or more like his guardian... thingy, really.

Charles' eyes were almost popping out of their sockets when he discovered he had been saved by a river serpent. A tall, purple, goddamn real river serpent. With a mustache and beard.

"Oh my, such a strange creature! You were lucky I was nearby, or you could have ended up in an simply awful state!"

Scratch that. A tall, purple, goddamn real river serpent with a mustache and a beard that actually talked in a flamboyant manner. Charles simply stood there, his mouth hanging limp like some invalid retard while not even managing to utter a single word.

"Uh..."

"Oh, how rude of me," the serpent interrupted him. "Allow me to introduce myself." It bowed in a very dramatic manner. "Steven Magnet, a pleasure to meet you."

"Uh..."

"My my, you seem to still be a bit shocked," the thing continued on. "Probably from nearly drowning. Well, I'll be on my way then. Au revoir, my dear!" Steven the serpent then proceeded to dive underwater again, leaving a stoked Charles on the riverbank. He shook his head.

Right, he thought. There's no way a goddamn river serpent talked, much less saved me. I must have gotten desperate and swam ashore. That thing was probably a hallucination caused by my brain lacking oxygen.

He hadn't even finished berating himself mentally before Steven rose from the depths again.

"Oh my, you seem to have dropped this, by the way. Have a nice day!" The serpent threw Charles' wallet into his hands before diving in again.

...

"...What the flying fuck just happened?"

LOL CHARLES HAS TOURETTES-

Somewhere at the entrance of the Everfree forest

The aptly named Mane 6 had gathered in front of the inhospitable woods once again, everyone shifting nervously at the prospect of entering it again.

"So Twi', ya mind remindin' us again what we're doin' here again?" Applejack asked.

Twilight Sparkle raised her letter she had gotten from princess Celestia before reading out loud.

"My faithful student,

I have indeed felt the magical ripple spreading from the Everfree forest even from Canterlot. I fully understand your concern; such magic force has not been experienced since Nightmare Moon's presence a thousand years ago. I want you to bring the bearers of the Elements of Harmony with you and investigate this presence at the old castle. If it is indeed dangerous and you have no means to stop it, contact me and Luna as soon as possible.

Signed,

Princess Celestia."

The unicorn packed her scroll in the backpack again, turning towards the other mares.

But... What's happening? "Shifting nervously" is evolving!

...

Congratulations! "Shifting nervously" has evolved into "Anxious fear!"

Fluttershy uttered a squeak and hid behind the others. "N-Nightmare Moon?"

Rainbow Dash sighed at her friend's antics. "C'mon. We've beat her once, we can beat her again!" She huffed, flying up and showing off some ninja poses. Twilight sighed.

"I know you're all scared-" She was interrupted by Rainbow Dash snorting, resulting in a glare from Rarity. "But we've got to do this girls. Celestia is counting on us!" Applejack smiled.

"Don't worry sugarcube, we're right behind ya!"

After receiving appraisal from the rest of the gang, Twilight cracked a grin. "Then let's do this everypony!"

And with newfound self-esteem, they entered the forest.

Everfree forest

"This forest SUCKS!"

Charles was pissed. He had walked on this damned trail for god knows how long. He was wet, muddy, dirty, cold and had several scratch marks from being entangled in the thick branches. He had at least been moderately pleased to see that his phone had miraculously survived the plunge into the river somehow.

Boromir was right, he mused, one does not simply break a Nokia...

His encounter with the strange river serpent was still haunting his mind. What was it's name again? Steven? The craziest part was that it had behaved like some kind of fabulous drag queen too. Did every river serpent behave like that? Charles inwardly chuckled at the thought of an entire land being populated by flamboyant snakes.

Speaking of which, where the hell was he?

He looked around and noticed he had left the trail a long time ago. Nothing but rotting trees were surrounding him now.

Oh great, I'm lost.

Feeling a bit desperate, he started looking around his surroundings, trying to find something that seemed familiar but ultimately failing. Cursing, he started walking off to what he though was the north, hoping to eventually stumble onto something.

How ironic that he stumbled onto a hidden rock and tumbled down a cliff.

Elsewhere...

The ponies had walked in silence for quite a while now through the oppressive woods, fearing that a manticore or a cockatrice would ambush them. Even Dash was a bit intimidated by the thick air of the forest. Suddenly she stopped near a tall cliff, the rest halting along with her.

"Dash, what's wrong?"

The rainbow-maned mare remained quiet for a few seconds before shrugging. "Thought I heard something."

The rest traded a few looks before Twilight frowned. "I'm hearing it too. Sound like someone... Screaming?"

"...aaaaAAAAAAAAH!"

The ponies turned around in surprise as a creature fell down the cliffs, hitting a branch that was jutting out of the rocks.

"Fuck!"

The figure fell again, smashing against a couple of rocks.

"Shit!"

Another rock.

"Jesus!"

Yet another branch.

"Fuck!"

Finally, the creature landed in a few bushes away from them, hiding it from the ponies' view. A few moans could be heard from the thick foliage. Everyone nervously took a few steps back. Finally, Twilight summoned up enough courage to speak.

"A-Are you okay?" Whatever had landed in the bushes gave another pained grunt before answering in a weak voice.

"I think I got a stick up my ass..."

'Sup! Look at me! I managed to post a chapter before the end of the month! This must be some new kind of record. Anyway, remember to review guys! Gotta keep that motivation flowing, and I get that from you!

On another note, do you think this has any chance of making it to Equestria Daily? Because I doubt so. No seriously, I do.

Now to brainstorm for the next chapter and start thinking up some new cock jokes. See ya later!