Her Smile Heals Me (part 28)
The Final Chapter
"Change occurs when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing." (unknown)
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
4:42 PM
Santana Lopez walked slowly down the dirt path from the cabin toward the beach. She wore jean cutoffs and an oversized gray Temple University sweatshirt which she borrowed from Andy earlier in the day when the rain started and the wind picked up. Santana found something peaceful about the beach after a hard rain, and the calm lured her toward it on this afternoon.
The teen paused near the water a moment, lost in thought, contemplating how mindboggling it was that someone's entire existence could be transformed in a brief second. A choice to do something one way and not another or to say something aloud or just remain silent could truly change a life's course forever.
Santana pulled down her ball cap further on her head as a strong breeze passed over her. She bent down to pick up a stick that had been washed ashore by the higher tide, taking a step back when she felt the cool water move over her flip-flop. With a heavy sigh, she moved further up the beach toward a nearby pier.
The beach was virtually deserted except for an elderly man Santana saw sitting on the edge of the wooden pier, casting out his fishing line. He smiled and nodded to her as she walked passed him, his old eyes milky and full of a lifetime of experiences. As she walked to the end of the dock, she looked back over her shoulder at him, thinking to herself…Who does he see when he looks at me? Does he see a girl who was raped? Does he see a girl who has been shunned by her father? Does he see a lesbian? Would he even care if he knew those things?
The brunette stepped out of her shoes then sat down on the wooden pier, her legs dangling over the edge, her feet crossed at the ankles. She sat quietly and looked out into the ocean, contemplating the vastness of it, suddenly feeling so incredibly small by comparison. She looked up into the sky and wondered if anything was looking back.
The thoughts in her head were broken apart by the piercing memory of an ambulance siren. It was the same sound that kept invading her head every time she sought out a recent moment of calm, always bringing the same flashes of memory with it.
"Miss, you'll have to move to the waiting area."
"But…Brittany…."
"Please step back."
Santana shook her head, trying to physically empty her mind, but yesterday's events continued to play on an internal loop as she mentally reexamined what she did say versus what she should have said.
"Excuse me, ma'am…."
"Yes?"
"I know it's only been a few minutes…but could you please see if there's any update on Brittany Pierce?"
"Are you related?"
"Um…I'm her…friend."
"Let me check, okay? But I can only release information directly to her family when they arrive."
Santana took a deep breath, looking across the water, and tears filled her eyes.
Sitting here, on this lonely dock
Watch the rain play on the ocean top
All the things I feel I need to say
I can't explain in any other way…
I need to be bold
Need to jump in the cold water
Need to grow older with a girl like you
Finally see you are naturally
The one to make it so easy
When you show me the truth
Yeah, I'd rather be with you
Say you want the same thing too…
Now here's the sun, come to dry the rain
Warm my shoulders and relieve my pain
You're the one thing that I'm missing here
With you beside me I no longer fear…
Need to be bold
Need to jump in the cold water
Need to grow older with a girl like you
Finally see you are naturally
The one to make it so easy
When you show me the truth
Yeah, I'd rather be with you
Say you want the same thing too…
Santana was so lost in thought that she did not hear anybody walk up on the dock behind her.
"Do you mind company?"
She looked over her shoulder and shook her head then patted the wood next to her, moving over slightly as they sat down.
"What are you doing out here on the pier?"
"Thinking," Santana revealed with a melancholy tone.
"Thinking about…?"
"Just life."
"Those are deep thoughts."
"Yeah," Santana nodded and chuckled, "How's your head?"
"The stitches are hurting," Brittany wrinkled her nose when she answered her, laying her head over on Santana's left shoulder when she felt the Latina wrap her arm around her waist.
"You should be resting."
"I've slept the whole day…I needed to stretch my legs."
"Yeah, me too," Santana nuzzled Brittany's blonde hair with her nose, breathing in her scent that was mixed with the fresh salt air.
The two sat in silence while Santana's mind wandered again.
"Mr. and Mrs. Pierce…."
"Yes…is she okay?"
"The x-ray showed no fracture…the wound is relatively superficial…so once we get that stitched up, she can go home this evening."
"Oh, that's such a relief."
"Can we see her?"
"Sure, but just for a few minutes…she's resting while we continue to monitor her breathing."
"Thank you, Doctor."
"This is one of her ER nurses…she'll take you to her."
"Oh Miss, immediate family only right now."
"But…."
"Santana…we'll make sure you see her as soon as possible, okay…hang in there, sweetheart."
"Meg…please tell her I love her."
Santana pulled Brittany further into her embrace and kissed her forehead near her bandage. She closed her eyes to soak in the physical reconnection to the love she so feared she'd lost yesterday on the beach in one of those fleeting moments when everything seemed to break apart.
"Britt?"
"Huh?"
"Why do we have to wait 'til we're out here on the pier for me to hold you?"
Brittany was silent in response, finally saying, "I'm sorry…I never meant for it to be that way."
"Do you think we'll ever get to the point where we aren't hiding?"
"I love you, Santana."
"I know," the Latina confirmed, squeezing Brittany's hand that sat on her bare knee, "I'm just ready for everybody else to know it too."
I could have saved so much time for us
Had I seen the way to get to where I am today
You waited on me for so long
So now, listen to me say…
I need to be bold
Need to jump in the cold water
Need to grow older with a girl like you
Finally see you are naturally
The one to make it so easy
When you show me the truth
Yeah, I'd rather be with you
Say you want the same thing too
Say you feel the way I do.
Santana turned over in the bed Tuesday night, glancing at a digital clock on the white, wicker nightstand next to the bed, seeing that it was 1:03 am. She'd been unable to fall asleep for more than ten minutes at a time over the past hour. Her latest sleep position felt no more comfortable than the last three she tried so she turned over the other way again, moving closer to Brittany who seemed sound asleep.
Santana lay behind the blonde, watching the back of her head in the moonlight. She's so peaceful tonight…Santana thought with a smile then her smile turned to a concerned grimace…maybe too peaceful. The Latina pushed herself up on her elbow so she could lean over Brittany, sticking her hand under Brittany's nose to assure that she was still breathing. Santana let out a heavy breath of relief when she felt hot air on the back of her hand.
She kissed Brittany's shoulder and turned over on her back, sighing as warm moisture filled the corners of her eyes. Shaken, Santana eased out of her side of the bed and stepped into her shorts with her ribbed tank, quietly pushing open their bedroom door and tiptoeing down the staircase.
With enough light shining in through the glass windows, Santana made her way to the kitchen that was right off the living room where the guys were crashed on the couches. She turned on the soft-glowing light over the sink then poured herself some milk in a coffee mug, warming it in the microwave for several seconds, careful to stop it before the loud timer went off.
She stood at the sink to take a sip, looking out the window at the moon shining off the nearby water. Just as she set the porcelain mug back on the counter, she felt somebody lean into her from behind and kiss her neck.
"Aahh," she startled, turning all the way around.
"Sorry to scare you," Nick told her with a smile, leaning back down to kiss her.
"What are you doing?" she turned her head quickly, pushing against his broad chest.
"Just saying hi," he said, his deep voice barely above a whisper, brushing her long, dark hair off her shoulder.
Santana felt her anxiety heighten immediately, as he backed her tightly against the counter top. "I've asked you not to touch me," she said with subtle desperation as she cast her eyes downward, uncomfortable with his close proximity.
"Oh right…you're with someone…," he leaned over her further, caressing her bare arm with his fingertips and whispering in her ear, "…but he's not here right now…is he?"
Santana swallowed hard. His body pressed against hers made her sick to her stomach, her mind flashing back to Karofsky and being trapped under the dark bleachers. She could feel Nick's hot breath near her ear, and it sent a shiver down her spine, making her tremble.
She took a deep breath in an effort to steady her mind and said slowly, "That he is a she…and she is right upstairs…now get the fuck away from me."
Nick straightened slightly but did not budge. Santana could see confusion in his eyes as he processed what she just said so she used the opportunity to slide out from under his larger frame. He adjusted quickly though, putting his hand on the counter, blocking her again.
"Wait…," he stopped her, "…you're talking about Brittany?"
Santana felt her pulse quicken more, but she confirmed, "Yes."
"So you…and…Brittany?" he clarified.
She looked up at him, her breathing still shallow. "You need to back off now."
"That's pretty hot actually…," he smirked, running his hand down her jawline, "…maybe we could, you know…work something out…with all three of us?"
Before Santana even realized what she was doing, she reached up and slapped him across the right side of his face, "That's my future wife you're talking about, you asshole!"
"Oww," his hand went up to his stinging face, "You didn't have to slap me."
"Then learn to take no for an answer!" she said, finally freeing herself.
"Wait!" he said, turning around and grabbing at her wrist before she could leave the kitchen.
"Let go of me now, Nick…or I swear I'll scream and wake up this entire house."
He released her wrist, saying, "Geez, chill out, will ya…I had no way of knowing you two were dykes now."
"You need to shut your fucking mouth," a masculine voice said from behind Santana.
She turned around to find Andy stepping out of the dark.
"Are you talking to me?" Nick asked, a look of surprised confusion on his face.
"I'm looking at you, aren't I?" Andy said moving closer to his best friend, "You need to apologize to her."
"Andy, it's okay…just let it go," Santana said softly, crossing her arms protectively over her chest.
"No, it's not okay," he responded, never taking his eyes off Nick, "What you said to her was derogatory."
"What? Dyke?" he laughed, "Ok, what am I supposed to call her?"
"Try Santana…because that's who she is…and Santana just happens to be gay…just like I am," Andy retorted.
Santana appreciated the sentiment, but she knew her eyes had to be as wide as Nick's were as he stood across from her.
"Wh – What? You're gay?" Nick stammered with a response, "Dude, I've known you since 5th grade. You're like one of the most…athletic guys I know."
"Interesting fact for you, Nick…sexuality has nothing to do with athletic ability," Andy said sarcastically.
"This is crazy shit, man," Nick shook his head and tried to walk around him, but Andy stepped in his path.
"You owe Santana an apology."
Nick stood there in silence for a second before turning his head toward Santana, "I'm sorry if I offended you."
"You did a lot more than offend me," she told him.
"I apologize," he said again, but the Latina did not respond.
"You should probably leave in the morning," Andy told him.
"You're choosing her over your best friend?"
"She's family…you're just some jerk I know," Andy stated.
Nick looked at them both then walked out of the kitchen, saying over his shoulder, "Fine…I'll sleep in the car tonight."
The two of them stood there silently as they heard the front door of the cabin open and shut.
"I'm really sorry about him," Andy spoke first.
"I'm getting used to that sort of reaction," Santana gave him a half-smile and shook her head, "But, thank you, Andy…that meant so much to me…that you consider me family."
"Well, you are marrying my cousin, right?" he winked at her.
"You heard that part?" she bit nervously at her bottom lip.
"I already knew."
Santana's eyes narrowed in confusion, "You did?"
"Brittany called me the day after you proposed…she was so proud and told me all about it."
The Latina was even more confused now, "I thought she was afraid to tell any of you?"
Andy grimaced and shook his head, "No…it's me who's too afraid…I begged her not to say anything during this trip, because I was worried it would start questions about me."
"How long have you known…that you're gay?" Santana asked him, the topic of sexuality still felt uneasy to her even when shared.
"A long time…it's just taken me awhile to adjust to it…I called and told Brittany last September, because I met this great-looking guy at college," Andy reflected, "Freshman Biology…third row. Green eyes, adorable smile…it took me five weeks to work up the nerve to ask him out…Brittany finally convinced me that the worst he could say was 'no'."
"And…?"
"He said no…," Andy laughed, "…but I didn't die from it…and three weeks later Chad…back row, Poli Sci…asked me out. We've been dating since then. I'm slowly coming out to more people. It feels good."
Santana smiled widely, "That's great, Andy. I'm really happy for you."
"I'm happy for the two of you…congratulations," he reached up and squeezed her forearm.
She had forgotten she had her arms crossed, and feeling more at ease, she relaxed them. "Thank you."
"I really hoped it would work out for you guys."
"When did Brittany first say something to you?" Santana wondered aloud.
"She pulled me aside last summer," he recounted, "She told me she had fallen in love with someone…and that someone was…you." He playfully poked Santana's shoulder for emphasis.
Santana took a deep breath, feeling her eyes watering, "We've been through a lot to get where we are now…most of it because of me."
"The end result is worth all the rest though, huh?"
Santana nodded and smiled, "She is the best part of my life."
Andy hugged her and told her goodnight before Santana left the kitchen and went back up the stairs, slowly pushing open their bedroom door and shutting it behind her.
She removed her shorts and climbed back into bed, spooning up behind Brittany, wrapping her left arm tightly around the blonde's abdomen. Brittany lightly stirred, draping her arm over Santana's and molding her backside further into the Latina's body.
"I love you so much, Brittany Pierce," Santana whispered into Brittany's shoulder then fell fast asleep.
Brittany pushed on the partially-opened door Wednesday morning to find Santana reading a book in the window nook of their bedroom, her knees pulled tightly to her chest as she leaned back against the wall.
"This rain is depressing," Brittany said with a pout, sitting across from her on the window seat, "It's ruining my entire beach experience."
Santana looked up from her book, "Uh, babe…I think you getting whacked in the head and almost drowning ruined it more. You can't go in the water even if it wasn't raining."
"I know, but I could still enjoy the sun if it would just come back out," Brittany grimaced, reaching down to rub Santana's bare feet, "We found Monopoly in the downstairs closet…want to come play with us?"
"No, you guys have fun together…I'm fine here," Santana responded, looking back down at the words in the pages of The Help.
"My mom said that's an awesome book," Brittany commented, absentmindedly twisting her engagement ring with the fingers of her right hand.
"She loaned it to me yesterday," Santana told her flatly, noticing Brittany had put the ring on for the first time since the night they arrived at the cabin, "She said it would give me something to do instead of just watching you sleep."
Brittany smiled, remembering Santana in the white rocker every time she opened her eyes throughout the day on Tuesday. "Okay, hon…but if you change your mind then I'd love for you to spend time with me downstairs."
Santana watched Brittany stand to leave, "Britt..."
The blonde turned back around.
"I love you."
Brittany walked back to the window and bent over to kiss Santana on her lips. "I love you too."
As she turned to go, Santana grabbed her wrist, "Brittany…I need to tell you something."
Brittany sat back down on the bench, tucking one foot up under her. "Okay."
"Nick didn't leave because of a family emergency," Santana started, "He left because of me."
"What do you mean?"
"He cornered me in the kitchen last night, when everyone was asleep," she detailed for Brittany, "He tried to pressure me into having sex with him."
Brittany grimaced, "Why would he do that?"
"I never told you…but I slept with him summer before freshman year," Santana looked away, finding it hard to look directly at Brittany.
"Why did you feel like you couldn't tell me?"
Santana shrugged nervously, "Because…I hadn't told you yet that I'd already slept with Puck."
Brittany smiled sweetly, "I knew the first time you slept with Puck…I just waited for you to tell me when you were ready."
"Did you know about Nick too?" the Latina asked, her eyes scanning Brittany's face for a reaction.
"Of course I did," the blonde answered with a slight giggle, "You're not that subtle, Santana. Don't you think I noticed that every time you went missing so did he?"
Santana took a deep breath, "I can never hide anything from you, can I?"
"Nope," Brittany winked, "There's no reason to even try. I know you better than I know anything else in this world."
Santana leaned forward and put her arms around Brittany, pressing her forehead against Brittany's forehead, "I'm so blessed to have you."
The blonde returned the embrace, kissing down the side of Santana's face, telling her, "I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself last night."
"Andy told you what happened?" the brunette surmised.
"He felt bad that you were put in that situation."
"Does he know that I was raped?"
"No, hon…that's yours to tell," Brittany assured her.
"I was scared, Britt…but I fought back…it felt great," she said proudly.
"You have come so far," Brittany squeezed Santana's hands in hers, pulling one of them to her mouth for a kiss.
"I really have, haven't I?" the Latina smiled, "Thank you for never giving up on me."
"And I never will," she said confidently.
"You know what?" Santana stood and pulled Brittany up beside her, "It may be miserable outside, but I'm suddenly feeling festive…come on."
Santana led the two of them down the stairs to the living room where Mallory and Alex were setting up the Monopoly board at the dining room table.
Emily jumped up from the floor and ran to hug her, "Santana!"
"Hey, squirt," she said, picking up the little girl.
"Britt, what game piece do you want?" Mallory asked, setting the tiny silver figures on the 'Go' square.
"She always has to have the top hat," Andy called out from the nearby couch.
"Come play, Andy," Alex said to his older brother, "I'll let you have the racecar."
Andy laughed and walked over, "Ok, deal! Prepare to go bankrupt, little bro."
"Tan, which one do you want?" Brittany asked, pulling out a chair to sit down.
"Um…I'll take the…," the Latina surveyed the remaining choices, lowering Emily to the ground, "…battleship."
"Oooo, Alexander Whitman…she took your second choice, bud," Andy teased, elbowing the young blond in the chair next to him.
Santana laughed, reaching across the table and lightly slapping at the bill of the younger boy's Philadelphia Eagles cap, "That's right…and I am prepared to launch a full attack as I sail around this entire board…collecting properties in my wake."
Alex frowned when he leaned over the box for the last couple of choices.
"It's ok, Alex…look, you can be the shoe…or the cool wheel barrow," Brittany smiled, holding up the reject pieces.
"The shoe, I guess," the fourteen-year-old plopped down in a table chair.
"Can we play music?" Mallory asked the older teens.
"Sure…," Andy walked over to the built-in shelves and turned on the radio to a local station they always listened to when their parents went out shopping then he returned to the table, taking a seat between Brittany and his sister and grabbing the dice, "Ok, Boardwalk and Park Place…you are practically mine!"
The game kept the group of them occupied for the next hour until Emily tugged on Brittany's sleeve and told her, "I'm hungry, B."
"Me too!" Alex and Mallory both agreed.
"Wanna order pizza?" Andy asked.
"Yes!" the group shouted.
Santana got up to stretch her back and go to the bathroom, answering Andy's question of what toppings they wanted over her shoulder, "Anything but mushrooms or onions."
"Pepperoni or Sausage, Santana?" Brittany called to her as she went around the corner.
"Pepperoni," she hollered in response.
Once she returned back to the living room, she saw that the game was pretty much over or at least on permanent pause with everyone raiding the refrigerator for soda and sandwich stuff.
"What happen to the pizza?" she asked.
"With the rain, the pizza shop said everyone is calling in for delivery," Andy explained.
"The wait was two hours," Alex added with a groan.
"So looks like we're having sandwiches," Brittany told her with a hug from behind, folding her long arms around the brunette's stomach.
The display of affection took Santana by surprise, and she tilted her head and looked back at Brittany with raised eye-brows.
Brittany simply winked at her and kissed her on the cheek as if pretense no longer mattered in front of her cousins.
Santana smiled back…inside too…and said, "I feel like dancing…who wants to dance with me?"
Emily jumped up and down, "I do, I do!"
Brittany and Santana laughed as the seven-year-old squeezed in between them.
"Well, there you go, hon…best dance partner you'll ever have," Brittany told the Latina then walked over and turned up the radio.
"Ok, squirt…," Santana said, picking up the child, feeling Emily hook her ankles around her back, "It's you and me."
Santana twirled the little blonde around the living room as the lively music played, and when the brunette recognized the song as Beauty in the World by Macy Gray, she told her, "Ohhh, I love this song…sing with me, Em."
I know you're fed up
Life don't let up
For us…
All they talk about
Is what is going down
What's been messed up
For us…
When I look around,
I see blue skies
I see butterflies
For us…
Listen to the sound
and lose it
in sweet music
and dance with me…
'Cause there is beauty in the world
So much beauty in the world
Always beauty in the world
So much beauty in the world…
So shake your booty boys and girls
For the beauty in the world
Pick your diamond, pick your pearl
There is beauty in the world
All together now…
"Can I cut in?" Andy tapped Santana on the shoulder.
"Absolutely," Santana laughed, handing Emily over to the taller teen, "She's heavier than she looks."
"That's ok…she's about to learn that I have two left feet," he joked.
Brittany looked around the room at her younger cousins bouncing around and singing and at her baby sister laughing and enjoying herself in Andy's arms, and even though there was still a dull throb where her blonde hair met up with her forehead, she felt truly happy.
Santana looked across the room and saw the carefree smile on Brittany's face. Still singing the upbeat song, Santana danced her way toward her…
We need more lovin''
We need more money, they say
Change is gonna come
Like the weather
They say forever, they say…
So baby, in between
Notice the blue skies
Notice the butterflies
Notice me
Stop and smell the flowers
And lose it the sweet music
And dance with me…
"Feel like dancing?" Santana asked with a giant smile, mindful of Brittany's still-bandaged head.
"Would swaying work?" Brittany suggested, holding her hand out to the brunette.
"With you? Anything works," Santana took her by the hand and pulled her close, swaying and singing…
There is beauty in the world
So much beauty in the world
Always beauty in the world
There is beauty in the world…
So shake your booty boys and girls
For the beauty in the world
Pick your diamond, pick your pearl
'Cause there is beauty in the world
All together now…
Heya throw your hands up and holla
Heya throw your hands up and holla
When you don't know what to do
Don't know if you'll make it through
Remember that he's givin' you
Beauty in the world…
So love…
Yeah love
Yeah love
Oh love
All together now…
Santana was having a great time being part of Brittany's family, and she gave Brittany an easy twirl under her raised arm then pulled her again to her chest, squeezing the blonde with her other hand wrapped securely around the small of Brittany's back.
Hey baby, when I'm looking at you now
I know it's fact, it's true now
There's love, there's hope for us
And there's beauty in the world…
Hey baby, when I'm looking at you now
I know it's fact, it's true now
There's love, there's hope for us
And there's beauty in the world.
Brittany laughed as the song ended, and she leaned further into Santana, kissing her firmly on the lips.
"I love dancing in your arms," Santana told her, a look of complete peace on her beautiful face.
"Soooo…meet me in the middle of the dance floor in about…five years?" Brittany asked with a sexy smirk.
"For our first dance as wife and wife?" Santana played along, squeezing Brittany tighter into her body.
"Look for me…I'll be the one in a white dress," Brittany winked at her.
Santana smiled broadly and laughed, confirming, "It's a date!"
Author's note: The song in the first scene is Joshua Radin's I'd Rather Be With You.
I am truly a mix of emotions. I'm elated that we made it this far together, but I am saddened to post this last chapter. My fingers are crossed that Her Smile Heals Me ended as hopeful as we all wanted it to, and I hope that all the darkness and angst along the way was worth the ride for each of you.
I decided to go ahead and post Ch 28 now before I've written the Epilogue. So do not fret if there was a character or an issue you were disappointed you didn't see in this update. Here's your chance to leave me a note and tell me if you feel something important needs to be addressed in the Epilogue. I'm open to all comments, because I don't want to leave any loose ends as we jump into the sequel next week. That's right! A sequel – next week! I hope you all come along for another journey with me. I sincerely appreciate each one of you. I can't wait to hear what you think of this last chapter, so please leave me your thoughts! Kim