AN: First of all, thanks for reading and reviewing the bit of fun Veeps and I had at the weekend. If you haven't read it, it's 'Working On It', on VanishingP2000's account.

Rather wordy Gibbs... hope you like him. More in the next chapter – he ain't finished yet...

And apologies for slow update... you'd think I'd have more time not less in the school hols!

And Binky – here we go posing on the same day AGAIN!

Cowboy Tony Rides Again

Chapter 11

For a few moments there was silence, while Gibbs' heart crashed painfully in his chest as he sat watching Tony. He took a breath to tell him again that he was going to fix it; (he was sure he'd been heard, but the lack of reaction said it was one more thing to process,) when the younger man's eyes snapped open again, and he plastered on that war-paint travesty of a smile that Gibbs was absolutely sick of seeing.

"Must be in a state if I'm calling on the Almighty, huh, Boss? Hey, just forget I said anything... it's been a long day, I should just -"

A hand gripped his upper arm, and shook him slightly, and Gibbs said quietly, but with just about the most intensity Tony had ever heard, "Don't."

"D – don't?"

"Uh-huh. Don't." Gibbs reached for the coffee pot, poured some into a mug, and added creamer and lots of sugar, then wrapped his SFA's hand round it. Tony watched bemusedly, but made no attempt to drink it. His Boss tore open a cereal bar, broke off a small piece, and held it up to his mouth as if he were a child, and he opened up without thinking.

As he chewed, Gibbs went on, "Today... up at the dam... the river had risen and I couldn't see either of you any more. Figured you were in the water... had no idea where. That hoss of yours... she came barrelling down the track, fast as the water. She was following you, Tony. When she saw me, she stopped... came to me... she was trembling all over, but she trusted me. I trusted her to find you, when she did, she trusted me to do something. When I urged her into the river, she didn't hesitate. Listen to me... however odd it sounds – for the love of you, she trusted me and waded into that water... stood there like a rock. She was steadfast... if she could trust me to save you, what's wrong with you doing the same?"

"Boss... I didn't mean I was -"

"Suicidal? I know. Townley told me what you said. About the bottom of the river, and not caring..."

"Aw, Boss -"

"Do not try to make out he shouldn't'a told me. So... starting to care again and being too late... hmm?"

"Not a quitter, Boss... but -"

"I know that too. Doris isn't the only one that's steadfast."

"Boss?" Tony sounded bewildered.

"You did everything that was asked of you... by the Director... and I should'a seen that sooner and done something."

"It's okay, Boss, you didn't know -"

"Tony. You've never let me this close before. Not even over Wendy. Seen ya rage... punch the wall... never seen tears. Don't try to shut me out now. Ya don't want to – what the hell makes ya think ya need to?"

Tony's head bowed almost to his drawn up knees. Gibbs took the mug of coffee from his hand and put it down on the floor.

"What do you want me to – no... comin' out wrong... I mean, where do I start, Boss?"

"Anywhere you like."

"They all leave, Boss... I'm a curse on them... Wendy – never knew why, didn't know I'd done anything wrong... maybe I was immature, I don't know!"

"I could never figure that either... but it was after that you put up your clown mask. I was there, remember."

"Never forgot. You got me through it." After a pause he added bitterly, "Least she's not dead."

"Who else left?" Gibbs' voice was soft and very cautious. "Ya talking Kate, Tony?" As if he didn't know.

The younger man looked up again. "Yeah," he said hollowly. He thought for a minute. "She asked me if I thought she was attractive. I said 'oh yeah'. So she asked why I never tried it on with her... I told her she knew me too well. But that was easier than telling her I respected her. More. Got me wondering if she actually did like me... cuz I liked her, Boss. Made me wonder... well, hell, I heard her telling McGee that in a different world she could see herself married to someone like me, and I just started to think... turned out she and McGoo were joking, she didn't think that at all, but hell, the next day she died so it was all pretty irrelevant. Why am I even thinking this? I put it out of my mind years ago... never forgot her though... never will forget my Katie."

Gibbs made a soft noise of agreement in his throat, and waited. Well, he'd just thought he knew all about it. He'd been wrong. He'd come in on the end of that conversation, and could see the scene now as clearly as he had that day. No, they'd never forget Katie... but he'd had no idea what was going through Tony's mind then. His throat clenched up inside, and he squeezed Tony's arm again. Somewhere in the yard a horse whuffed and stamped; Tony smiled slightly, so Gibbs knew who it must be.

"Still got Doris."

"Never to be underestimated. You said all. Paula?"

"Mmm. We were never serious... she didn't want to be. Me? I might have... maybe. We were players – her word – but yeah, I respected her too. And she's dead too. You know what, Boss? She was the one who told me life's too short not to tell someone you love them... told her I couldn't tell Jeanne – Jeanne kept telling me I had to... it used to stick in my throat because I knew in the end... saying it'd just make things worse." he dropped his head on his knees again, then jerked it up. "But I did love her... I do love her... I went straight round there that night and told her so, even though I knew... was never going to be real."

Gibbs pushed the coffee and cereal bar at him, but gently, and he ate and drank a little, obligingly, then forgot about them again. For a while, neither man spoke, DiNozzo too flattened by what he'd said so far, and thinking that continuing was going to be like a mountain he knew he had to climb; Gibbs wondering how to ask two questions. You said you'd talk, Jethro. He bit the bullet.

"Wanna go back a bit, Tony..." he waited for his second's weary nod of permission. "You said the last eighteen months. That's round when I went – took my break. Sally wanted to know why you – I quote – had been hiding that you were in pieces, ever since she'd known you. Which was about then. I... kinda thought... we were OK on that now? Are you still carryin' that? I mean... I saw this morning you were pleased that I'd come, that we'd come... or I thought so -"

"Boss! Told you this isn't your fault. Slip of the tongue, OK? Sure, it started then, but we made our peace, didn't we? It's just... you get over one hurdle, think you're clear... start to straighten your back – stick your chin out and you get hit again, you know? Keep on sucking it up... Never known a time like it for that... had enough."

"So you find yourself at the bottom of a river not caring if you live or die?"

Tony met his Boss's eyes for the first time. "Only for a moment. Running out of oxygen... thought I could hear her... see her... telling me what a lying bastard I was, and to just let go and die. Almost did, changed my mind."

"You said it. You're not a quitter. Never were." He frowned at the expression on Tony's face. "Hey!What ya thinking?"

"Nothing I haven't thought before." Gibbs just looked at him, until he took a step onto the mountain. "O-Kay... Lying shit, heart breaker... clown... Broke her heart... Can't find her... she's out there somewhere, and the way she's feeling is my fault. I want to put it right... but I can't. It's... " the mountain towered above him... "it's unbearable. I can't bear it. Hey! I've said it. And I'll just have to, I deserve it. This time, it's my own freakin' stupid fault. How do I deal with this, Boss?"

He leaned back against the wall, eyes closed as he'd done before, head twisting from side to side. Gibbs could hardly bear to look at him; even in the dim ambient light that seeped in from the yard, the rawness in every chiselled plane of his face was clear and painful to see. And I've still not asked my second question... "We'll get there," he said with a steadiness he didn't feel. "Tony, why didn't you come to me?"

The younger man's head twisted again. "Ah, Boss..." he said without opening his eyes. He let out a long breath. "D'you really want to go there?"

"Didn't think I was goin' to like the answer. Still need to know."

Tony opened his eyes, and picked up the coffee cup, more to have something to fiddle with than for the now tepid drink. "Kay... I guess at first it was the same reason you never came to me... we were alien creatures to each other. You didn't really remember me, and you were permanently mad at me. Nobody but the Director thought I could even pull up my own zipper, so I was happy to work for her, even though it made you mad – the errand boy thing... I was a tart for a few words of praise. Look, we've dealt with all this..."

"Say it anyway, then you'll never have to say it again."

"I wondered if you were waiting for me or Jenny to say something..."

"I was. But in the end I could see you couldn't, and yes, I should have made her."

"Ah... By the time things got a bit more normal, I was in deep. I knew if I told you, you'd make her stop. And I'd lose Jeanne. And..."

"And?"

"That day you all listened to me fixing to move in with Jeanne – I really did try to say something... you said 'I know'. I thought you were maybe telling me you did, and I wondered what'd happen next."

"Ack, Tony... I was trying to tell you I understood it's hard to do our job and have a life outside of it... I should have done something..."

"Not your fault, Boss. Told you." He put the cup down again. "You mean it that I'll never have to say any of this again, right?"

"I mean it." Gibbs felt as exhausted as Tony looked, but he was going to see this through, and he was going to do what he said he would. Jeanne kept telling me I had to... One thought led to another, and he had the glimmer of an idea. "Tell me about her. About you and her." His heart knocked at his ribs as his SFA gave him the same look he'd given him in the hospital; curious, puzzled, but still trusting. He nodded thoughtfully and began to talk.

Gibbs listened carefully; he smiled ruefully when he was told how Jeanne had had to suggest sex. Tony made some comment about that being a surprise, but no, not to his Boss it wasn't. The kid had principles, even if he couldn't see it himself. The alarm bells first rang when he spoke of his nerves at meeting her mother – Jeanne had insisted. It seemed that at every significant point in Tony's narrative, Jeanne had demanded something, and ultimately he'd capitulated, right up to agreeing to look at a house to buy.

It was crazy, Tony. If you hadn't been in love and under pressure from all sides, you'd have seen it. I should have done something.

"I know what you're thinking, Boss. Ziva said I didn't think it through... I thought of nothing else. Stood outside Jeanne's door desperately wondering how I could stop it from 'ending badly'," he made quote signs at the triteness of it all, "when all the time I knew it would."

Should have known better than to assume with DiNozzo. "So tell me what happened that day."

"We drove away from the explosion, and kept going for a while to see if we were being tailed. Jeanne was asking what had happened, why would anyone want to blow up my car... her father suggested he should give us some privacy to talk."

Tony frowned as he recalled it, and went on, "It sounds crazy, but I got the impression that he'd have been happy if I could have convinced Jeanne to forgive me on the spot. We stopped at a park and I took her to sit on a bench; he actually stayed out of earshot and his driver kept guard. Jeanne was upset, course she was; what with what happened in the hospital and then the car, my cover was well blown. I asked her to tell me she loved me. She said she did, but kind of in passing, while she asked me who I really was. I told her. I told her the important things were still true; she asked what she'd done... I told her she should ask her father. We got back into the car, she was glaring at me... I tried to say something, so did Rene, but she just told us both she didn't want to hear it. The Frog gave me the famous 'Help!' message to give NCIS, and no-one said another word. We drove around for ages until we stopped near the gates, when Jeanne told me she'd speak to me next day when she'd calmed down. They drove off, that was the last time I saw her."

"And when you went to her apartment, she'd gone."

"Yeah."

"What did the note say?"

"That she wasn't coming back and I had to choose."

"Just that?" Tony nodded. "Odd thing to say... choose between what and what?"

The younger man shrugged, and his mouth twisted scornfully. Not the first time he'd wondered that, then. "Between a cardboard cut-out professor, and a life full of agents who hunt the likes of her father down. What's to choose? She didn't know."

Now was the time; Gibbs dropped his bombshell. "She didn't care, Tony."

For a few seconds Tony neither moved nor spoke, unless his mouth dropping open and a sharp intake of breath could be counted. Gibbs read the expressions that flickered across his face with complete accuracy and no surprise.

Wha-a-a... The Boss never opens his mouth for weeks at a time... and then when he does, he talks out of his – Get on with it, Jethro, you swore you would.

"Know what I'm saying, son. Hear me out."

"Kay..." almost choked out.

"Not saying she's heartless. She sounds like a competent, caring doctor – that young junkie proved that. Beautiful, well educated girl, fine finishing school in Switzerland I should think, courtesy of Papa's millions. Used to getting her own way. Decides what she wants early in life, and Papa denies her nothing. She meets a man designed to appeal to her, thanks to Jenny choosing well. Looks, brains, poise, don't look at me like that, DiNozzo... you've got it, and when you need to use it, you do. Money, career... and he likes her. Decision made. He's hers, and she sets out to make sure."

"I don't understand."

"Example. You'd been up all night and all day on a case. She wanted to go dancing. You went dancing. She wanted a physical relationship – and there you were trying to behave like a gentleman. She wanted sex, she got it. She wanted to be told you loved her... and she pushed until she got that. She wanted you to meet her mother... you met her mother. Live together – the words were no sooner out of your mouth than she was ready to take you shopping for drapes."

"Well... yeah, she was keen... but I didn't try to stop her, Boss."

"You tried to. To slow things down. But every new thing you gave in on, she immediately upped the stakes. Don't tell me I'm wrong."

"But... that sounds like she does care. She did love me, Boss." (Please don't tell me she didn't.)

What was it Sally said about a Labrador? Gibbs was not under any circumstances going to hug another guy, and it felt downright weird that he wanted to, but there was a reason he'd been thinking 'kid' and saying 'son'. He settled for grasping his SFA's upper arm like before.

"Tony," he said gently, "As long as you were giving her what she wanted, she adored you. Tell me, who did she think of when things went wrong?"

That got through, and Gibbs felt like a heel, as the younger man's shoulders slumped. Cruel to be kind... He transferred his hand to the back of Tony's neck as his head bowed forwards again, and kept the grounding touch there until he lifted it again. The green eyes met his, and they were full of turmoil, but his voice was steady. "Have to say, Boss, I've never thought of it like that, but you're right. She... she'd have left me an address, not an ultimatum if she thought I was -"

Feeling his anger flaring, Gibbs got in before he could finish. "DiNozzo, if you say anything so stupid as 'if you were worth loving', I'll get Doris up here to kick some sense into you. And if that doesn't work I'll get Sally. She's expecting me to fix this, and I'm too scared of her not to. Jeanne wanted her house with her professor, roses round the door and one day a millionaire wedding – the bride's father pays, doesn't he - and when she found it wasn't like that she abandoned you, unless you were prepared to stay in the dream. And when she'd thought a bit more, she didn't even give you that chance."

He paused for breath. Tony was looking at him, stunned.

"Yeah, I can talk when I need to. So, did you hurt her deliberately? No. Would you have tried to put things right? You said you thought her father wanted you to try."

"You know that answer too, Boss."

"Good. We agree on that. They'd just tried to kill her, with you as collateral damage they didn't give a damn about – Kort made that plain. Maybe Papa would have been happy to have her under the protection of an agent, and the 'one agency he could trust'! She didn't give either of you the chance. Maybe it wouldn't have helped if you'd talked. With Papa on your side, maybe it would. Not sayin' you couldn't have done different – like telling me... But whatever state she's in now, however bad she's feeling, She. Put. Herself. There."

TBC