Part 6.3 - Girl Talk
The day was unseasonably warm for January on Della's third day home from the hospital, and she was enjoying the spring-like weather despite the constant hovering of Perry and her family. She felt more and more like herself with each passing day and was beginning to get antsy, squabbling with anyone who told her she couldn't/shouldn't do something. Perry and Kathy were hard pressed to keep her quiet since rest was an important part of her recovery, but Della being Della, she wasn't happy with her restrictions. Her brothers had had returned to Michigan, but her mother and Aunt Mae were still there, watching over her like mother hawks, competing with each other and Perry to attend to her every need. While she loved them and the fact they were both there, their presence made it difficult for her and Perry to be themselves with one another and this added to her frustration.
Kathy had given permission for Della to sit outside for a while as long as she was bundled up and didn't exert herself. So here she was, lying on the chintz chaise Martin had delivered only the day before, covered with her favorite crocheted throw as well as a couple of extra blankets taken from the chests in the blue room, sweating in the mid-day sun. The chaise was very similar to the one that had been on the Martin's porch, except for one major difference: the size. The Martin chaise had accommodated only one person. The chaise Martin Hightower had selected was large enough for two people, and her excitement was so great it brought on a coughing fit that had three 'nurses' running to her side with stricken faces. Martin had also bought two matching chairs and a small rectangular pine table in a natural finish. She loved every single item the designer had chosen for the porch, and knew she would spend many happy hours on it, just as she had in her childhood.
The French door opened and Perry stepped out onto the porch with a tray containing a crock of her mother's chicken noodle soup, a grilled cheese sandwich, and a glass of cranberry juice. He paused to drink in the sight of her, no longer in the confining oxygen tent, her cheeks naturally rosy, her hair softy tousled by a mild breeze. He had worn a perpetual smile for the past few days, and even though there was a moderate amount of tension between them, he couldn't be happier. He needed to somehow alleviate the tension so it wouldn't interfere with her recovery, but privacy was difficult to come by lately, what with the amount of people either staying at the house or visiting. He set the tray on the table, and took advantage of his bent posture to kiss her cheek gently, then sat down next to her.
"You look gorgeous, Miss Street."
Della rewarded the compliment with a smile and a bit of a surprised look. She hadn't expected Perry to bring her lunch, let alone give her such a nice little kiss. "Thank you, Counselor, but I think gorgeous may be a bit of a stretch."
"Not from where I'm sitting. You look so much better, Della. You have color in your cheeks and your eyes sparkle again. You even made it up the stairs without huffing and puffing this morning. I'll be eternally grateful to Kathy and the nurses at the hospital for everything they did, but I think being home has been the best thing for you."
Della lowered her eyes then raised them almost shyly to Perry's. "I'm grateful for what they did, too, but I know the real reason I'm better is because of you. You really are my hero."
She wished he would kiss her for real, his lips demanding and desirous, but he continued to hold back, to keep a certain hurtful distance between them. Right now was no different than the past few days.
"I was a very scared hero." His eyes held hers for a second with an intensity that made her shiver before becoming clouded and unreadable. "Time for you to eat, young lady. Your mother spent all morning cooking this soup and I made the perfect grilled cheese and pickle sandwich, so I want you to be a good girl and finish everything. When you've eaten every bit, and relaxed for a few minutes, I'm going to bring you inside so you can take a nice nap."
"Honey, I don't need to be carried everywhere I go. And I'm not tired. Maybe I should try skipping a nap today."
He shook his head. "No, doctor's orders are that you will take a nap for at least the first week home from the hospital."
"If I promise to take a nap, will you tell me a story and rub my back?"
He shifted almost nervously on the chaise, putting a couple more inches between them. "We'll see."
"I heard a car. Did Martin leave?"
Perry nodded. "Actually, he took your mother and Mae into town to show them his shop, and to do some marketing and exploring. They won't be back for a couple of hours."
She grinned mischievously and took a bite from one triangle of the sandwich. "So we have the house to ourselves? Don't you think we can find something more…interesting to do than take a nap? You said yourself I'm stronger and my sparkle is back." Her voice, still a bit congested, held a sultry tone he couldn't ignore.
He chuckled. "What I think, my dear, is that you have been a bit cranky and obstinate. My firecracker is definitely coming back to life, and I know I'm going to regret this, but three days out of the hospital is not the time for something more interesting. Let's just be happy that you're home with me where you belong and enjoy the beautiful day. This is Kathy pulling into the driveway and I want her to see that we are following her directions."
Della made a little face at the intrusion of her doctor, if not her childhood friend. "I'm very happy to have reconnected with Kathy, but does she have to come every day to check on me? And what kind of a doctor gives directions not to indulge in activities that will have a positive impact on the patient's overall recovery?"
As if on cue and saving Perry from having to reply, the doorbell rang. Perry laughed, kissed Della's forehead quickly and got to his feet. "I'm going to let her in. Start attacking that soup, young lady. I want to see it halfway gone by the time I come back with Dr. Spencer." He re-entered the house through the open French door as Della picked up the spoon and began to eat the soup. At the first spoonful a memory overcame her and she closed her eyes almost involuntarily.
She was sitting cross-legged on her canopy bed holding a purring Eloise in her arms. There was a quiet knock on the door, and her mother entered carrying a bed tray on which she had laid out a bowl of chicken soup and a turkey sandwich. Her mother placed the tray on the nightstand and sat down on the mattress next to her daughter.
"Sweetheart, why won't you talk to Kathy? She's called three times this week. She's your best friend and you shouldn't keep shutting her out. She's mourning Gregg too, you know. We all miss Gregg and Daddy, but honey, but it's been six months since Gregg…and three months since Daddy…this isn't good, Della. It's not healthy to shut yourself away like this."
She fought back tears that were never far away. "Please Mom, I'm fine. Everyone grieves differently, and I guess this is how I do it. I'll call Kathy when I'm up to it. Please stop worrying, Mom. You have enough to worry about."
"Honey, you're my daughter – my baby. I'm always going to worry no matter how old you are." She gathered her daughter, cat and all, into her arms for a hug. She released her when Eloise let out an indignant 'miaow' and stood up. "At least eat what I brought since you didn't come down to dinner again. I must say I'm getting lonely eating by myself all the time."
She felt a stab of guilt. "Thank you, Mom. I love you."
"I love you too, sweetheart. Eat and get some rest. And please, don't forget about Kathy."
She reached over, grabbed half of the sandwich, pulled a piece of turkey from between the slices of Wonder Bread and fed it to Eloise, who purred loudly once again. She wanted to call Kathy, really she did, but she just couldn't. No one understood, least of all Kathy. She took one bite of the sandwich. It tasted like sawdust. But everything tasted like sawdust to her lately. Eloise reached up and pawed at her arm, begging for more turkey. She smiled, set the sandwich back down on the plate and gave the striped cat a quick hug. Eloise understood. She didn't ask questions and didn't tell her to do things she didn't want to do. If only people could be more like cats sometimes…
"Well now, how's my star patient feeling today?"
Della opened her eyes with a start as Kathy walked through the French door by herself. She smiled as her old friend sat down on the chaise next to her, grabbed her wrist and began taking her pulse.
"I feel great, spectacular, good as new. My doctor is a brilliant healer."
"I think you might be overstating, Del, but I'm glad your particular brand of feistiness is intact. You look a lot healthier than when I first saw you." She abruptly dropped Della's wrist and turned to face her with a serious look. "I told Perry I was going to give you a thorough examination and he needed to stay out of the way, but what I really want to do is talk. With Aunt Alice and Mae out of the house and out of our way, now is the time."
Della had wondered how long it would take Kathy to confront her again after their unsatisfying talk in the hospital. She set the bowl of soup down on the tray and settled back against the chaise, pulling the throw more closely around her shoulders. Kath –"
"Del, I want to talk to you, and I want you to listen to me, really listen. I wasn't going to say anything more but we've been friends too long – even with the break in communication – and I think I have a right to say some things to you."
"Kath –" Della began again, and again Kathy cut her off.
"No, Della, hear me out. Then you can say whatever you want and I'll listen to you."
"No, you listen to me first because I have a feeling I'm not going to like what you're about to say and I want to lay some groundwork before you start giving me one of your lectures. I know you and Perry had quite the conversation when I was unconscious and you told him about Gregg. You had no right to do that. If I had wanted him to know about Gregg I would have told him myself a long time ago. You betrayed a confidence, Dr. Spencer, whether you recognize it as such or not, and I don't know how to forgive you for that. I loved you like a sister, and couldn't have been happier that you were actually going to be my sister, but I had to grieve in my own way. And now after all this time, here you are, and what do you do? You charge right ahead Kathy-style and tell Perry about the most difficult period of my life. He knew about Dad, and I told him about our family summers at the shore, and your house, and your family, but I didn't tell him about Gregg and me…and about how Gregg died. He's upset with me and won't touch me how I want to be touched, or talk to me how I want to be talked to. It's 'darling' this and 'baby' that, but more out of habit than any true feeling. I suppose he has a right to be upset, but there's unspoken tension between us and I have to find a way to make everything better."
Kathy stood abruptly and leaned against the porch railing, arms wrapped around herself, facing away from Della.
"Del, I appreciate you think I betrayed you, but hear me out. When Perry looked right at me and knew who I was, I was flabbergasted. He told me we'd talk once you were out of danger, and that's exactly what we did. He was so distraught and didn't want to leave you for a minute, but the nurses had to take care of you so I made him come with me to the lounge for coffee. He needed a break and someone to talk to, and I listened. He told me he loves you and would do anything to make you happy, how he bought this house for you and what it represents. He asked why our families were estranged and I admitted that it was only you that was estranged, which he assumed was because of Uncle Jim's death. One thing led to another and I told him about you and Gregg. I didn't mean to betray a confidence, Del, and I'm sorry you think I said too much. I was just telling him about my best friend and my brother, and what it was that made you turn away from us, what made you move out to California. I didn't want to say anything about our conversation in the hospital because it wasn't the time or the place and I knew you wouldn't be receptive to it anyway. But you're out, you're home, and you're doing amazingly well, so I need to tell you what's been on my mind since I realized it was you lying in the emergency room."
"What makes you think I'll be any more receptive out of the hospital than I might have been in the hospital?" Della asked crossly. "I wanted to be glad that we reconnected and leave everything else out, but that's impossible now. I told you how I felt about what happened to Gregg and how I feel about Perry. That's all I'm going to say."
"Well, I have more to say and you are going to listen, Della Street. Downstairs is the most wonderful man I've ever met except for David. Della, you didn't see what the rest of us saw, how he almost wound up in the hospital himself with worry over you. Until you told Mae to make him get some sleep he'd had a cup of coffee, no food and had barely closed his eyes to blink for fear you'd move and he'd miss it. He was almost out of his mind with worry and every time he looked at you I thought he was going to break down. In fact, one time he did, and if you tell him I told you, I'll deny it. On top of all that, he had to deal with and your mother and your aunt and your brothers, and let me tell you, what you saw was mild. As much as I love your mother and brothers, if you hadn't been critically ill I would have told them off and sent them packing."
"Don't you realize I know he's wonderful? He's the best thing…" she choked suddenly, unable to continue.
Kathy turned quickly and caught the stricken look in her eyes. "Della, you have to let this guilt go. It's not healthy and it's not normal. It's been eleven years. You're doing Perry a terrible injustice and you're not doing yourself any good either."
Della's eyes filled with tears. It took several seconds to get words out, and when she did, her voice trembled. "I don't…I can't…"
Kathy remained silent while Della gathered her thoughts again.
"I don't remember loving Gregg," she whispered with restrained agony. "As much as I love Perry, if – if I married him it would be…I would feel that my love for Gregg never existed. That he never existed. I – I don't want to lose Gregg, or lose my memories of him. He deserves to be remembered."
Kathy regarded her with keen sympathy. "For a very bright woman you just said something that makes no sense whatsoever. In fact, the more I think about it, the more ludicrous it becomes. Del, you'll never lose those memories. They'll always be a wonderful, special part of your life. Gregg loved you and wanted you to be happy. He would be so glad you fell in love again. You know, until that night Perry brought you into the emergency room I didn't believe in divine intervention or miracles, but now, somehow, I think Gregg made this happen. Now I like to think he's watching over us, that he knew we should reconnect, and set into motion all these coincidences."
Della sniffed. Talking about Gregg made her feel slightly better, refreshed memories that she had thought lost to her. Kathy's admission of a newfound belief in miracles was surprising but comforting. "I really was very happy to see you," she whispered. "I knew it was you, even when I was so sick. No one has an accent like yours." She sniffed again. "It's just so hard, Kath. I committed myself to Gregg. I was supposed to be his wife."
Kathy smiled sadly. "I know, String Bean." She left the railing and sat back down next to Della on the chaise. "Let me ask you something. What is it like to love Perry?"
A serene look passed over Della's face and her eyes softened. "I wouldn't know where to begin, Kath. Every day is a total wonder. He makes me feel desired and peaceful and content. I feel like I can do anything and be anything I want because he'll be there to support me. He's my best friend, and when he holds me and tells me he loves me, nothing else matters. He's everything I could ever want or need, and I'm so lucky he loves me, too. I never know what his brilliant mind has planned – the perfect date, the perfect gift, the perfect words. He protects me and spoils me. Like this house. Never in a million years did I expect this. I've been feeling homesick and he hates it when I'm sad or sick and worries like crazy about me."
"I certainly had a front row seat to that," Kathy said with a laugh. "He charmed every nurse on the floor, too."
"It's not always easy to love him," Della went on. "He has a temper and patience is a relatively new concept to him. Except with me. He's gentle and kind and loving and I feel like such a woman when he…" she trailed off with a blush.
Kathy leaned over and hugged her. Then she sat back and took Della's hand. "Have you been listening to yourself? In case you haven't been, I have a news flash for you: you just remembered how it felt to love Gregg. You told me virtually the same things once – how he made you feel desired and at peace, how he supported your ambition of going to college and working in Uncle Jim's company, how lucky you were that he loved you. Della, by loving Perry, you honor your love for Gregg, don't you see that? Gregg would want this for you. I know you take your vow to Gregg seriously, but he's not here anymore, and as much as that hurts, you have to let him go and take hold of what's in your life now."
Della looked down at their intertwined hands and blinked back tears. Deep down she knew Kathy was right. But she had held onto her love for Gregg for so long, and even when she had been falling in love with Perry so very, very deeply she had struggled to keep Gregg alive within herself. It wasn't fair to Gregg that she loved Perry as she did. She felt traitorous that her love for Gregg had never approached the depth of her love for Perry, that she had never been happier in her life than she was since meeting him.
"Del, you said that you loved me like a sister and was happy that I was really going be your sister when you married Gregg," Kathy said, breaking into Della's tortured, melancholy thoughts. "I always felt like you were my sister, too. We had a special relationship and it nearly killed me when you withdrew from me. I needed you. I'm still your sister, Della, if you'll have me."
Before Della could reply, the French door swung open and Perry stepped onto the porch. He took one look at the two women and realized he had walked into the middle of a seriously deep conversation. He smiled and purposely kept his voice light. "I'm sorry if I interrupted you lovely ladies, but the patient has been out here long enough. Would you like me to make a pot of tea and you come downstairs when you're finished talking and we can have tea and cut into the chocolate cake Mae baked this morning?"
Della had to smile. Even with the tension between them the past few days she loved him desperately, and she knew he would sacrifice everything to see that she was happy and well. "Tea and cake sounds wonderful, darling. And you don't have to leave. Kathy and I were just reminiscing, weren't we, Kath? Just having a little…"
"Girl talk," Kathy cut in with a smile.
Perry rolled his eyes. "I'm doubly sorry to have interrupted, then."
Della held her arms out to him. "You can carry me downstairs," she told him.
He stood looking at her with an amused expression. "Just a few minutes ago you complained about being carried everywhere. I think we should let your doctor decide if you should walk or if I should carry you."
Kathy held up her hands. "I'm not getting in the middle of this, not as a doctor nor as an innocent bystander."
Della pushed herself up from the cocoon of blankets and slid from the chaise. "Never mind," she said briskly. "I'll manage by myself."
Kathy felt a sudden chill in the air that had nothing to do with the weather, the tension almost visible between Perry and Della. She felt that Della's reaction to Perry's suggestion was a trifle dramatic and fed directly into the uneasiness, but she saw what Della had mentioned, and wondered if it was merely learning about Gregg that made Perry standoffish. She watched as Perry's eyes tracked Della's movements with longing and desire despite his refusal to take her up on her request to be carried. Maybe they just needed to be alone to work out everything that had been wedged between them in the past couple of weeks, and maybe she could help out in that endeavor.