As Meredith clutched the wheel tight, she fought back the tears. The thought that a family was going to live life without their child made her heart ache. She had dealt with it as a doctor and it was never easy but something about it was harder right now. Derek was at work and had been unable to make Sammy's Celebration of Life. So she had taken Ava and driven two hours to Sammy's home town. Ava sat quietly in the back seat, looking out the window as she clutched the tulle of her purple skirt she had worn for her friend. Sammy's parents had stressed that it was meant to be a celebration and that they should dress in purple since it was Sammy's favorite color. At the end of the ceremony, everyone had released pink and white balloons into the air. Since then, Ava had been quiet, only
speaking occasionally. "Ava?"
"Yeah?" Ava whispered.
"Are you alright?" Meredith asked, adjusting her own eggplant dress at the light.
"Yeah."
"There were pretty flowers today." Meredith said quietly. She had been a dark and twisty child and it was strange to know her own little girl was dark and twisty right now. She was trying to act like a mother, to lift her little girl out of the darkness she was in. "Lots of purple."
"Purple is Sammy's favorite."
"That's right sweetie."
"Mommy?"
"Yes?"
"When's Sammy gonna be back?" Ava asked.
"She's...Ava remember she passed? She's going to...Daddy said she was going to Heaven."
"I know but when's she gonna come back?"
"Ava...she's not."
"But why Mommy?"
"She was really sick Aves." Meredith struggled with how to make her daughter understand.
"I'm really sick too." The little girl whispered.
"I know." Meredith sighed before shaking her head quickly. "I mean..."
"Am I going to go away too?"
"What? No." Meredith shook her head again. "Sweetie...sometimes people get really sick but sometimes...sometimes they're okay and other times they're not."
"But why am I okay and Sammy is not?"
"Ava..."
"Yeah?"
"What happened to Sammy...it doesn't always happen. What happened to Sammy isn't what will happen to you."
"Oh."
"But you know what..."
"What?" Ava asked.
"I bet she felt pretty special having a friend like you." Meredith swallowed.
"She was my best friend."
"She was and remember what that lady said about keeping her in your heart?" Meredith remembered those words from the service and they had stuck in her mind even if she wasn't sure why.
"Yeah."
"Well she can always be your best friend in your heart.:
"Okay."
"Like the lady said..." Meredith breathed.
"I miss Daddy."
"I know sweetie." Meredith kept her eyes on the road. "He'll be home a little after we are."
"Kay." Ava sighed.
"Are you sleepy?" Meredith asked.
"No."
"Do you want your juice?"
"No."
"I have your apple juice." Meredith sighed.
"I'm not thirsty." Ava whispered.
"Okay..." Meredith breathed. She wasn't sure what to say or what to do to make this better. She wasn't even sure that she was okay. Ava was too young to understand death and she never should have learned what it was at five. This wasn't a goldfish or a hamster. It wasn't a plant or a fresh bouquet of flowers. It was her little girl's friend who just happened to have cancer too.
"Are you and Daddy going to go where Sammy went?" Ava's eyes went large and she looked up front at Meredith.
"No...not for...we're staying here with you Ava."
"But what if you get sick?" She started to cry.
"Ava..." Meredith frowned, then looked ahead at the nearest exit for a place to stop. She took a deep breath of relief when she realized there was a family park just around the corner.
"Mommy." Ava cried.
"One second Aves..." Meredith drove faster than she would have liked as she pulled into the parking lot. All around her families were getting ready to go ice skating in the park and bands playing holiday music. It was a quick reminder that it was the twenty-third of December.
"What if..." Her little girl wailed, tears running down her cheeks.
"Okay..." Meredith turned the car off, before getting out and walking around ot the back opened the door and stepped in, quickly taking Ava out of her car seat and pulling her into her lap.
"Okay...I'm here."
"Mommy..."
"Ava...I'm going to do my best to be healthy and so is Daddy. I...things happen that you can't help because...that's how life is but I don't want you to worry. We're going to do everything we can to make sure that We're all together...always."
"What about Grandma?"
"She's going to do her best too."
"Okay..."
"Bad things happen sometimes Ava...but you have no reason to be afraid." Meredith assured her daughter, adjusting the purple cap on her head. "You're too little to be scared."
"Okay."
"I'm sorry Aves."
"I want to go home."
"We can." Meredith stroked her cheek.
"Please."
"Will you drink some juice?"
"No." Ava shook her head.
"Yes please." Meredith nuzzled her nose against Ava's.
"No."
"Why not?" Meredith reached for a blanket and the juice cup.
"I'm not thirsty."
"Aves..."
"I want to go home."
"I...okay..." Meredith sighed.
"Don't get sick Mommy." Ava hugged Meredith tightly.
"Sweetie...sometimes people get colds or the flu..."
"But..."
"But it's not always bad...remember when Hunter got a cold last Christmas and we gave him hot chocolate and he slept but then he was better?" Meredith asked, putting the blanket over Ava. People were probably staring but she didn't care.
"Yeah."
"There are different kinds of sick Ava...it's not all bad."
"Mmkay." Ava sniffled, wiping her face.
"And what happened to Sammy sweetie...her body was tired."
"Okay."
"She had cancer for a long time..." Meredith tried to explain. She needed her little girl to understand that death happened, but so did life.
"Am I going to get better?" Ava looked up at her mom.
"I believe you are...but let's take it day by day." Meredith smiled weakly. "How about...every day we do something very special."
"Really?"
"Yeah." Meredith smiled, biting back tears. "We can watch movies...make things...attempt to bake..."
"Can we make chocolate chip cookies with marshmallows?" Ava giggled lightly.
"We can and we'll do something new every day...even if it's just reading a new book."
"Okay."
"How does that sound?"
"Good."
"Grandma or Daddy might have to help us...so I don't burn anything." Meredith giggled weakly.
"That would be bad." Ava giggled.
"Yeah..." Meredith laughed.
"Daddy would be mad."
"He would."
"I am going to miss Sammy."
"I know...I will too."
"But she's here." Ava pointed to her heart.
"She is." Meredith smiled, the tears starting to flow.
"Don't cry Mommy."
"I love you Aves."
"I love you too."
"Do you want to head home now?" Meredith asked, her voice soft as she cuddled Ava close.
"Yeah."
"We can do that."
"Let's go." Ava took Meredith's hand.
"Back in the car seat." Meredith kept her head down as she sat forward on the back seat.
"Can we get chicken nuggets?"
"Yes." Meredith kissed her nose before putting her back in the seat. "You haven't eaten very well lately so I'm glad you wanted that."
"My tummy is hungry."
"I bet...you know sometimes when you're sad you don't feel hungry."
"Yeah."
"You're all buckled."
"Go drive Mommy."
"I will Miss. Ava...you try and get some rest because we still have an hour and a half to drive."
"I'll try." Ava pulled the blanket in the back seat over her. "Remember to put on your seatbealt!"
"I will." Meredith laughed, closing the car door. This wasn't going to end every question Ava had but Meredith knew that Ava understood a little more now. There was know way to calm Ava's fears about death right now so all she could do was make sure that her daughter loved her life and that would mean letting her try new things every day. So that no matter what, Ava would accomplish a lot.