This was the day that Eridan Ampora experienced his first hangover.
He reacted to it with much dignity and class, as was only natural of someone with his upbringing. Because a man of his ilk, with such a penchant for aesthetics and poise, would never ever jerk awake, unable to pry apart his crusted eyes, and stumble around the living room of some unknown household, yelling frantically before collapsing to his knees and throwing up next to the sofa.
Nope. Never.
He would deny it until his dying day.
"Gamzee, Jesus fucking Christ, move your legs. I'm serious. How are you even this high already, fucking shit."
"Holy fuck. Holy fuck, I'm dyin'. I'm dyin' right now, this is fuckin' it," Eridan sobbed, his mouth and nose burning with the taste of bile and the sound of his own blood pounding in his ears. "I never even made it a whole day, oh fuck, oh god."
He felt someone tugging at his arms, trying to pull him up. "Come on Puke Princess, let's visit your Porcelain Prince in the goddamned bathroom so you can consummate your love without getting it all over the goddamned—Jesus fuck!"
The arms released him as Eridan heaved again, slopping more beer-scented bile over the carpet.
"Are you kidding me right now? Tell me your kidding. Gamzee, tell me this guy's kidding. No no, just nod. Just nod your high-ass head up and down in agreement because JESUS how can you even have that much shit in your stomach? I'm not even… I can't do this, wow, fuck this."
He heard footsteps stomping away from him as he put his head on the floor. Like, child's pose. He did yoga once with Feferi, so child's pose, that's what he was currently doing maybe. Or was it down dog? No, down dog was the one where you stuck your ass in the air. He began to laugh through his tears. Maybe if he stuck his ass in the air he'd feel better.
Fuck fuck fuck shit fuck fuck. He felt his stomach clench again and his mouth explode with hot, watery saliva. He whimpered and clasped his hands together and began mumbling incoherent prayers begging for deliverance.
Two pairs of footsteps returned.
"Hell no."
"You're not getting out of this one. I can't handle that by myself. Use your fucking video game arms of untold strength or some shit to get him to the bathroom."
"I'm going back to bed. I can't believe you woke me up for this."
"Jesus, Sollux, come on. It's either this or you clean up that lovely little pile of steaming beer and…are those Cheetos? Oh my god, holy fuck, this is worse than that one time you and me fed John all those quesadillas and hot wings before deciding it would be a good idea to slam Jagerbombs."
"Yeah, and you made me clean that one up. Fucking dick."
"Okay, that's why I'm attempting to compromise here, give me a little credit."
"Whatever. Jesus."
Eridan felt a vice-like grip clamp around his upper arms and heave him upright before beginning to drag him backwards on his ass. Eridan groaned, his head continuing to pound like someone was trying to split it open with a chipper.
"You're gonna fuckin'…ruin my pants…" He managed to force out.
"I'm going to ruin a lot more than that if you don't shut up. And I will honestly fucking kill you if you throw up before we get to the bathroom."
"Who are you?" Eridan groaned as he cracked open one bleary eye and tried to look over his shoulder. "You smell like shit."
"Yeah, and you smell pretty good yourself right now, thanks." The young man paused, grunting a little as one of his hands released Eridan and the click of a door opening registered in Eridan's ears. He was then assaulted by a bright luminescent light before being flipped over unceremoniously and having a hand shove his head toward a toilet bowl.
"Oh my fuckin' god, it smells even worse than you in here. I'm gonna fuckin'…chuck…" Eridan hugged the toilet bowl like it was the last lifeboat in a stormy sea. A stormy sea of alcohol and nausea.
"Well, you're in the right place for that now, so chuck to your heart's content, I guess." The voice grew quieter as the man leaned out of the bathroom. "Hey KK. You never cleaned the shit out of the shower."
"Whatever, I've got Cheeto vomit to deal with now. I'll make Gamzee do it when he comes around."
"He never comes around, but okay."
"What time is it?" Eridan asked weakly, his voice reverberating off the insides of the toilet. It smelled like piss. He spat into it as he heard feet shuffling back toward him.
"Five in the morning or something? I think you're the only one who got his ass plastered bad enough that you passed out and never went home. At least I didn't see any other people out there. But they've hidden in really weird places before, so what do I know."
"I'm gonna fuckin' die, holy shit…"
"Yeah, so we've heard. And I'm only staying in here so that KK doesn't enlist me to clean up your stomach contents because fuck that."
"Yeah, 'sokay, don't really give a shit," Eridan replied, resting his head wearily on the seat of the toilet.
It felt like he stayed that way for long enough to let Neptune make a complete orbit around the sun. It didn't help that his head continued to pound and his nose was clogged with vomit. In his state of mild delirium, he tried to sniff it back, and the burning sting slid all the way into his throat. He groaned, swallowing the deadly acid snot as he heard the man shuffle away again.
"Hey KK, this guy lives across the street, right?"
"Yeah, why?"
"Can we just take him to puke in his own toilet?"
"If you're willing volunteer, man. Because I'm up to my fucking wrists in Cheeto beer slime out here."
Eridan felt bony fingers grip his upper arms again and begin to drag him away from the toilet. He clung to it like it was some long lost lover.
"No, no, this is my fuckin' salvation, why are you takin' it from me?"
"Because you're still drunk and I don't want to babysit you anymore. Come on."
Eridan clung to the toilet seat by his fingertips before the guy finally managed to tear him off. He wept bitter tears at the parting of the only object in the whole house that had ever shown him true compassion.
"I'll never fuckin' forget you, Karkat's toilet," he whimpered as he was dragged backwards over the tile and onto the carpet as they moved out into the hall. "Mostly because you smelled like piss. But that's okay cuz we all fuckin' smell like piss sometimes."
"Wow, I can't even believe this. Where the fuck did you even get this guy, KK?"
"He just came over. Like I can ever keep track of all the fuckheads Gamzee invites to these things. Christ."
There was another click and then suddenly Eridan felt his ass sliding over, not carpet, but the clammy, pre-dawn dew of the lawn. He tried to lift his hips up, stiffening his entire body into some kind of awkward board so that only his heels dragged across the grass.
"What the…fuck…are you doing?" the guy behind him grunted with exertion as Eridan continued to squirm around in his effort to keep his butt elevated.
"You're gettin' my ass wet," Eridan whined as he got a foot underneath him and began to sort of walk as the man pulled him backwards. Like some kind of retarded, backwards, upside down wheelbarrow race.
"Okay, well, tough shit. We're going onto the road now anyway, so just sit back down."
"No, shitfuckin'…stupid ass…shit. That'll ruin my pants and I'm too fuckin'…classy for assless chaps."
"Wow, okay, I was exposed to way too much puke and shit this morning to endure thinking of you in assless chaps. I was nauseous enough as it was."
"Screw you," Eridan muttered. "I have a fantastic ass."
"And we crossed the street. Thank fucking god."
"We did? Shit, my pants…"
Eridan mourned the loss of his pants, even though he could still feel them against his backside as he was dragged over another dew-drenched lawn. He heard a click and the squeak of a door opening and soon he was being pulled back over carpet.
"You left your door open? Piece of advice for you, uptown prick, that's a really quick way to get all your shit stolen."
"Whatever, I don't need your condescension. Like you even know me."
"I don't, thank Christ. Let's keep it that way." The hands released him, and he felt his head hit the floor. He swore and rubbed at his scalp before he felt a soft breeze and the brush of pant legs against his sides to let him know that the guy had just stepped over him.
"Wait, you're not really gonna leave me are you?" he asked, struggling to sit up and clear his vision.
The scrawny man looked back at him. "Actually, I am."
"If I die I'm leavin' a note sayin' it was your fuckin' fault and I'll get the authorities to put your ass in prison."
He couldn't see the guy's eyes from behind his shades. Shades… He'd met this guy. This guy had a name. Damn, what was it, though?
"Okay, it doesn't really work that way, but whatever. Write a note if you want. I'm out of here."
"No, wait, don't go." Eridan rolled over onto his stomach towards the man, clutching the guy's ankle. "Are you sayin' you'll really be okay with my death on your conscience? I mean what kind of a heartless fuck are you?"
He tried to pull himself up, using the guy's calf for leverage, but he was shaken off roughly. He groaned, sitting back up a bit as the man squatted down beside him. There was a pen in his hand and he was fishing a pad of paper out of his pocket. He flipped through a few pages scrawled with numbers and other notes before he came to a clean sheet. He then quickly jotted something down before ripping off the paper and stuffing it in Eridan's pocket.
"There. That's my number. So you can call me if you feel death sneaking up on you or whatever the fuck."
Eridan squinted and picked at his pocket for a while before he was able to stuff his fingers inside and pull the paper out. As he did, the man was already standing, stuffing his items back in his gray sweatpants.
"Ssssollux's…number…" Eridan read off before glancing at the numbers below. "Hey, is the area code here really—wait, where are you goin'?"
He was half way out the door already. He turned around, his sunglasses catching a bit of the rising sun's golden light. "Back home."
"Well, okay, but I'm goin' to call you."
"Only if you're dying, you dumbfuck. That's an emergency number."
"Okay, I'll only use it in the most severe of emergencical cases, like, fuckin' swear it on my life."