When I woke up, I felt sore.
I groaned and my eyes fluttered open. I looked up to the white ceiling and tried to remember what happened.
We went to see the vampires…and then we talked…we talked…oh man.
I groaned remembering everything suddenly.
I pushed myself up and found everyone looking at me.
I was a little flabbergasted. Here was the pack of wolves and the vampires all huddled together in my room.
"Bella." Sam said relieved hugging me. He peeled his arms away and looked at me sadly.
"Bells? You ok?" he asked.
I swallowed and chose my words carefully.
"What are you all doing here? Where the heck-…" I asked out loud looking around.
I was in Sam's room. Ugh, they took me back here.
I let my arms go and let my body fall back and my head plopped against the pillow.
"Bella, you passed out in Jake's arms." Embry said softly.
"What were you thinking?" Quil asked timidly.
I slowly got up once again, wincing slightly. "Excuse me?" I said coldly.
"Just because this is all about you Bella doesn't mean you get to pick and choose. Gosh darn it! You are driving everyone insane!" he escalated, getting up from his seat to yell at me.
I felt anger curse through me and I narrowed my eyes at him.
"One minute you are the kind sweet Bella we all know. The one we all have fun with. The next second you are Super Bella. Trying to save us from whatever. Trying to protect us from some dude who thinks he is superior to the world!" Quil yelled.
In a way, I was scared. Quil didn't usually blow up like this. It was odd to see.
"Quil." Paul said grabbing his arm to sit back down.
"Don't." I said as Quil continued to be red in the face and shake. Paul nodded to me and sat back down with Emily.
"Of course. Listen to Bella. The Alpha's mate. Because we all know how that relationship is working out."
"Excuse me?" I asked threatening.
"While you were passed out, Sam has been going crazy. He's been worried sick for you, like always. He's your mate Bella, not some boy toy you can just carry around." He said coldly.
I took in a breath. His words stabbed me deep.
"But please Bella, continue what you are doing. Drive us insane with your stupid excuses and fears because of course, we don't have any. The world revolves around you." He said harshly.
"Enough." Sam roared to Quil pulling him back to his seat as tears rolled down my cheeks.
"No its fine." I said to Sam.
Everyone looked to me, including a shaky Quil.
"You want to know why I'm trying to act like 'Super Bella' Quil? You want to step in my shoes?" I asked angry.
"You have no idea what it feels like. To drive yourself crazy." I said.
"I'm not giving any excuses for myself, and I'm not giving myself pity." I told him before he could think it.
"The way I treat you guys. I do it because if you were to ever get hurt, it would be on me. Everyone I care about has their life hanging by a thread. A thread that I seem to be holding. You can think that you have control of your own life, and that man James can't stop you. But he can. He can take every ounce of feeling you have till you go crazy. Love, Passion, Happiness. All of those would vanish. With the blink of the eye he could have you dead." I panted.
I looked at his expression and he was about to say some snarky comment, but I beat him to it.
"Think all you want. You can think you are strong enough. You can think you are more clever or faster or even bigger, but none of that matters. He finds flaws; Weaknesses. YOUR imprint, Claire, her life would be in your hands. Her destiny…her fate… all of that would lie in your hands. It would lie on your actions of how to pursue or on what you are to decide."
"Try dealing with that." I nodded to him. "Try seeing her and not finding a moment to look at her and not think about what you are going to choose. To know that you love her, and she loves you, but you can't truly express it….and the doubt you have, of not knowing if you will be able to protect her. That's how it feels." I said as I watched him pale.
"The helplessness. It doesn't go away, and it's never forgotten. The reminders always there, waiting for you to fear the inevitable. And when its not? Well, you know someone or something will always be there to help you go back down to memory lane." I said in a bitter voice.
"So yea, you may think I'm doing everything wrong and I'm hurting Sam. And damn, I know I am. Everyday is a constant reminder of how much I am hurting all of you. But I do it anyways, because all of you mad at me can't be as bad as never seeing any of you again. It's not as bad as knowing that I wouldn't get to see you smile, or laugh, or even speak. So blame me all you want, I don't care, but don't ever say I am doing it to hurt you guys, because you have no idea what the fuck you are talking about." I spat and pulled the covers off my legs.
I turned to have my feet dangle off the side of the bed and felt a rush of lightheadedness.
I needed air. I needed to feel like I was still alive, and I was free.
I stood up shakily and felt a rush of wind. I looked over and saw Alice holding my arm.
"Thanks." I murmured and began to walk to the door.
She helped me walk all the way down the stairs and outside to the porch. She nodded to me and then left me alone to my thoughts.
I took a few deep breaths. My whole body killed. I was aching all over and felt drained of energy. I leaned against the big wooden beams and closed my eyes.
"You know, you really should be resting in bed." A voice scolded me.
I opened my eyes and looked back. Standing there was Carlisle in a doctor coat with his arms crossed in a professional matter.
"Sorry Doc, it was just getting a little….stuffy up there." I said finding the right word to describe the crowded room.
He nodded to me and walked up so he was next to me.
I felt tired again as I stared out at the trees.
"Bella, look at me." He commanded lightly.
I turned my body and faced him.
"Do you remember when we did the training exercises with Jasper?"
I nodded. "Yea, of course."
"Then I want you to try it. Close your eyes and pretend I am not here. Whatever you are feeling, tune into it, and use it as energy. Say what you needed to say to yourself when we were practicing with Jasper."
I listened to his words as my drifted closed.
I focused on the anger…on the hate and sadness and I took in a deep breath from the chest.
Whatever you are feeling…tune into it. Use it as energy. Carlisle's words rang through my mind.
My eyebrows furrowed and I tried to concentrate harder.
Tune into it…
Before I knew it, I felt my body go light. It felt like I was floating. And I was warm…a lot warmer than when I was just a few minutes ago. It was like the sun was directly hitting me.
"Amazing." Carlisle breathed.
I let out a breath and returned to a calm state.
"Woah." I said with a head rush. I stumbled a few steps back, but Carlisle caught me by the arm to steady me.
"Un-…indescribable." He said breathless.
"What did you say to yourself?" he asked intrigued.
"I just kept repeating what you said to me. To tune into it and use it as energy, and I guess it worked." I shrugged.
He looked over at me, and I looked back to the trees.
"And how do you feel?"
"I feel….scarily calm." I laughed out with a huff.
He chuckled and the stress of everything seemed to vanish from the air.
Carlisle and I talked for a few more minutes, a stressful free conversation. He asked me about school and I made sure to telepathically tell him about the party I was going to have for Leah, and have him tell his family. He nodded, not saying a word.
When it was time to go inside the house for food, he looked at me, but fear crept up.
I looked between him and the door and shook my head.
"Go on without me. I think I am going to stay out here for a few more minutes." I said. "Or maybe just go home." I whispered under my breath.
I saw Carlisle's face turn from disappointed to something unreadable. It was like he wanted to scold me, yet he felt bad for me?
"Bella…." He began looking at his hands.
I analyzed his stance. It was nervous, tense if you might add. He seemed like he didn't know how to form the words he wanted to say without sounding harsh; so I saved him the difficulty.
"Look, I know you want me to go back inside there. And part of me wants to." I admitted looking at him.
"But I can't. I shouldn't have acted that way. I should have controlled my anger just like you showed me. I was stupid to even lash out like that. What I said in there…."
"Is how you felt Bella." Jasper said from the front door.
Carlisle and I both turned in surprise. We didn't hear him come out.
"Look, you can keep standing out here, punishing yourself for what you said, but it wont do any good." He pointed out.
"How do you…"
"Sam" Jasper said before I could say another word. I nodded, understanding.
"I can't face them." I said with tears in my eyes.
Jasper walked towards us and took Carlisle's spot, standing right in front of me.
"Bella, you did nothing wrong. Yes, you could have told them earlier and maybe you should have, but looking back on the past is not going to do anything. You can make a difference Bella. The way you lashed out, it wasn't because you wanted to. It was because you had to. The way you feel Bella, the emotions that run through you don't change; keeping them inside you for so long doesn't help either." He scolded lightly.
My cheeks blushed and I looked out to the woods.
"But you did nothing wrong." He stressed again.
"You said it because you were defending yourself. Nothing is wrong with that."
"No, I did it because Paul tantalized me. He got angry with me and I did something that I shouldn't have. I lashed back. I let my emotions rule everything and look what happened." I exclaimed.
"Maybe it's a good thing. Now they know something Bella. The way you keep them out, they take it for granted. They can finally know what you are feeling and why."
I nodded and wiped away my tears.
"Answer me this." He stated.
"Why don't you tell them everything you are going through? I thought being imprinted on was like being true to yourself and your mate. I got the impression that you bared your souls to each other."
I bit my lip. "Sam has a clean slate on that part. I don't know why I don't open up. I just guess I'm used to it ya know? I never really told Renee anything. I learned to keep it inside. After the split between my parents, I learned to put everyone before me. I made sure to keep everyone and everything together. Truthfully, I didn't care what happened to me. I just wanted to make sure everyone was happy. And being here, it was different. I take Sam for granted. I forget how much he supports me and cares. I forget how much he sacrifices to be with me."
He looked at me, trying to understand.
"So I hide it as best as I can. It hurts…so much that sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep forever. But I can't. Because knowing that I wouldn't be there if they were to ever get hurt, or to know that Sam would be hurting inside because of me, just kills me."
I took in a breath and looked at Jasper. "I know it doesn't make sense, and I know I seem like I am contradicting myself. And hell, maybe I am. But I just-…"
"Bella, its ok" Jasper said laying his hand on mine in order to calm down my frustration.
"Come on." He said guiding me towards the door.
"I-I…c-can't." I stuttered as he pulled me towards the door.
"Bella, you can." He reassured me.
I sucked in a breath and looked at the door. Jasper tugged my hand again and I looked at our hands. I took a few seconds and then let go of myself. I relaxed and allowed Jasper to pull me inside the house.