((I have a confession to make. I have never played Minecraft in my life. I've tried to match the game's format in accordance with the dates in the chapter headings, so I've been poring over Minecraft's version history. But if there are any other glaring errors, please let me know.))
...
This was the day that Eridan Ampora had his first Minecraft experience.
It came at a decidedly hectic time in the Minecraft community. The forums were abuzz with some of the game's newest updates. Plenty of players were already experimenting with the tweaks implemented on the uses of water in the game. It meant an entire thread dedicated to everyone's experience utilizing buckets. How much water could a bucket carry? How often could they be refilled? Did bucket capacity ever vary depending on the situation they were used in? Sollux had been among the myriad of players stacking themselves on blocks and seeing how large of a waterfall they could create on one bucket use alone.
Testing the game in this way was always fun and made for some entertaining anecdotes on the forums, so Sollux never discouraged it. But neither could he ever resist cracking the game open and looking at its guts. It was one thing to admire the way a prize-winning horse cantered on the race track. It was another thing to take it apart and acquire an intrinsic understanding of what made its gait so effective.
And so Sollux had started a new thread discussing the various dynamics and variables involved with the new water update, effectively spoiling the fun for everyone else. Many begrudgingly replied to his post, corroborating his analysis of the system's innards with their own experiences engaging in hands-on play. Many more simply left him PMs telling him to quit being such a, as one eloquent account proclaimed, "fucking know-it-all jackass."
Sollux smirked as he used traced the IP address of the anonymous user and unpacked one of his nastier viruses to set in his account like a land mine, triggered for detonation at his next login.
One did not fuck with DoubleMobius.
Though it was never with that title that he exacted his revenge. Accounts fashioned into weapons never lasted him long. After indulging in several pounds of Toppers products, he had engaged the enemy mod for the last time under the alias Sons-of-Leda. All he remembered of the battle was the finale. It had involved both his account and the moderator's lying in shambles, while Sollux had retreated underneath his desk to fight off the post-pizza-binging shakes.
Since then, the mod had not returned. Sollux, however, had fashioned himself a new username to serve as his deadly polearm of justice: dioscuris-wrath.
But in all the excitement of the recent updates, he hadn't felt the need to draw his weapon until now. And even then, it was a quick affair. He normally enjoyed playing with his food a bit more until he bit down on their throats. But this time it was a simple in-and-out affair. Place the virus and get back to adventuring.
Because, after all, he had mine carts to deploy.
It had been apart of the newest update, and he had been one of the few to get his hands on it as soon as it had been released. So he fashioned a server under his benevolent and god-like username for anyone who wanted to play with mine carts.
And there were tons of them.
He smirked to himself in satisfaction as his server began to fill. In the mean time, he made his way through the terrain of his newly-generated world, venturing into his first mine as soon as he'd set up a crafting table at a make-shift home base. It didn't take him long to assemble diamond equipment. It was then that he began laying tracks, testing how they dealt with inclines and corners.
As he went on his first mine cart ride, he let his eyes drift to the chat scrolling by in the corner of his screen. Few people were actually saying much of anything. Instead it was just a mass of notifications as players entered and exited the server, quickly going about their business so that they could craft their own mine carts and railways. He recognized most of the names. Many were elite players that were frequently on the forum he had made his home. But several of them were new.
mejackel joined the game
xoraq left the game
mejackel: wehres teh fompurt
niffstral: that doesn't even make sense
mejackel left the game
mejackel joined the game
mokamonn joined the game
superjustice joined the game
superjustice: how do you craft the mine carts
mejackel: aks dm fr link
superjustice: dm hand over a link
DoubleMobius: riding carts everyone stop asking me for shit
caligulasAquarium joined the game
superjustice: somebody give me a link
caligulasAquarium: how do i work the controls on this thing
niffstral: minecartslooklikethis(dot)jpg
superjustice: thats for the rails i need the carts
niffstral: i gave you the cart .
caligulasAquarium: is doublemobius in this server
superjustice: no you gave me the chart for rails
niffstral: that's the cart
caligulasAquarium: hey is doublemobius around
superjustice: i just followed your chart to the letter and made a set of rails
caligulasAquarium: does anybody know doublemobius
DoubleMobius: somebody either help CA or mercy kill him
DoubleMobius: i'm riding carts
caligulasAquarium: oh hey i just saw doublemobius in the chat
niffstral: what do you want CA?
superjustice: somebody give me the link for carts
mokamonn hit the ground too hard
caligulasAquarium: i need to find doublemobius is he around
DoubleMobius: riding carts
niffstral: it's not that hard to make, it's literally just a bucket with the corners filled in
niffstral: minecartslooklikethis2(dot)jpg
mejackel went up in flames
caligulasAquarium: hey sol this is eridan where can i speak to you in private
mejackel: newd t maek oevn
mejackel: neeed fod u guys
caligulasAquarium: hey sol this is eridan where can i speak to you in private
DoubleMobius: riding carts
mejackel went up in flames
mejackel: lol im so flamfmagle
niffstral: flammable?
mejackel: ya
caligulasAquarium: sol
caligulasAquarium: sol
caligulasAquarium: sol
DoubleMobius: somebody kill CA please
caligulasAquarium: wait what
caligulasAquarium: holy shit what are you doin get away from me
superjustice killed caligulasAquarium wielding iron sword
superjustice: stop spamming the chat ca
caligulasAquarium: youve gotta be fuckin kidding me
caligulasAquarium: ill put whatever i damn well please in the chat
caligulasAquarium: sol
caligulasAquarium: sol
caligulasAquarium: sol i dont get this game what am i supposed to be doin here
mejackel went up in flames
mejackel: omgf lol
mejackel: ths lava is ctazt
Sollux sighed heavily. Sometimes it was hard being the only intelligent Minecraft player on the internet. He himself was trying his luck with lava as well, the key difference being that he had put a bit of basic thought into the endeavor before engaging in it. As he constructed a set of tracks around a relatively small lava pool he'd found in an open cave system, he kept his eye out for mobs.
As he was finishing construction, he noticed some movement on the edge of his screen. He turned the camera toward it and saw that it was another player. The white text above their head read 'caligulasAquarium.'
Perfect.
caligulasAquarium: hey doublemobius i finally fuckin found you
caligulasAquarium: are you always this fuckin obnoxious when youre playin games
caligulasAquarium: i mean fuck
DoubleMobius: who gave you this handle?
caligulasAquarium: i have my sources
mejackel went up in flames
superjustice: mejackel are you just doing this on purpose now
mejackel: lol
caligulasAquarium: is there any way we can talk privately
DoubleMobius: there's no reason to talk privately
He watched as Eridan's sprite moved around and waved its arms. Sollux stared at it with an apathetic disbelief. He'd eat his own socks if Eridan had managed to figure out how to make a crafting table. In fact, judging from the way the sprite just basically meandered back and forth and beat at things without actually harvesting any of it, he decided he'd eat his socks if the pathetic jackass had even managed to scrounge up a single block of wood.
He turned back to his miniature railway and adjusted it a bit. He changed it from being a circuitous path to having it end at a downward incline into the lava pit he had been working around.
caligulasAquarium: come on theres plenty a reason to talk privately
caligulasAquarium: im gettin lost in all these voices
niffstral: does anyone have any redstone?
caligulasAquarium: see look at that shit
DoubleMobius: the server isn't even close to being full
caligulasAquarium: i need some way to differentiate myself or something
caligulasAquarium: i could just start doublin my vs like wavves does
caligulasAquarium: havve you evver heard a that band
DoubleMobius: jesus fuck
DoubleMobius: you are not seriously going to do that
caligulasAquarium: well youre refusin to speak in a privvate area where i can be easily differentiated from the vvoices around me
DoubleMobius: oh my god
caligulasAquarium: plus wavves is a good band i wwas just listenin to them
caligulasAquarium: whoops i doubled a w that time
caligulasAquarium: vs and ws look pretty similar
DoubleMobius: no
DoubleMobius: holy fuck no
caligulasAquarium: i should just double them both to avvoid confusin myself
caligulasAquarium: wwhat do you think a that sol hm
superjustice: ban his ass dm
Sollux put a hand to his head and tried some meditative breathing through his bared teeth. He went to the beginning of his track and slapped down a minecart.
caligulasAquarium: wwhat are you doin here anywway wwith all this lavva
DoubleMobius: building a track
caligulasAquarium: for wwhat
DoubleMobius: testing mine carts
caligulasAquarium: oh really and wwhat exactly is the point a that
DoubleMobius: it's a new addition to the game
DoubleMobius: try it out for me
caligulasAquarium: howw do i do that
DoubleMobius: get on the cart
Sollux watched as Eridan's sprite eventually seizured its way over to the mine cart and got inside. Sollux then made his way to the end of the route as Eridan's cart meandered around through the cave.
caligulasAquarium: so wwhat is evven the point a these
caligulasAquarium: wwhats the point a this wwhole game
caligulasAquarium: do you just make shit
Wait for it…
Sollux watched as Eridan came wheeling back toward him in the mine cart, his little generic sprite looking blankly ahead. And then the cart dropped off down the little ramp and into the lava. He watched in satisfaction as Eridan's avatar caught fire.
caligulasAquarium went up in flames
Eridan flailed and attempted to make a few leaping jumps toward the safety of the stone bordering the lava pit. Sollux withdrew his sword and went toward the edge of fiery lake, slashing downward as Eridan tried to bob up to safety.
DoubleMobius killed caligulasAquarium weilding diamond sword
superjustice: nice dm
caligulasAquarium: wow real fuckin nice sol
caligulasAquarium: or should i say wwoww real fuckin nice
niffstral: that's why he's killing you. just stop being annoying.
caligulasAquarium: step off all right you dont know a thing about whats goin on here
superjustice: dm do you know this asshole irl
mejackel: someone knnows dm ilr?
caligulasAquarium: yeah i know sol irl why else would i be tryin to get a hold a him
DoubleMobius: CA, do you have skype?
caligulasAquarium: yeah
DoubleMobius: give me your username
caligulasAquarium: its the same as what im usin now
Sollux swept his Minecraft window aside and opened Skype. Eridan could make a fool of himself if he wanted, but he would be damned if he was going to let the insolent fuckwit damage the online reputation he had worked so hard to craft and maintain. He angrily pounded out the idiot's handle and slammed on the mouse to send his contact request. After the window vanished, he stared at his current list of groups and contacts.
It had been a while since he'd logged on to any chat client. These days, he made it a point to keep his endeavors on the computer separate from his real life. So it was odd to see some of the old names and handles sitting there. Like Karkat's. There had been a time when he and Karkat would chat online almost constantly. But that had been when they'd lived in separate houses, where such a mode of communication would make sense.
He let his mouse drift down the list until it brushed over arachnidsGrip and gallowsCalibrator. A wan smile spread over his lips. He still remembered back when they had all been the best and worst of allies during his WoW days. He knew that they were both still in town and would frequent Gamzee's parties. Karkat would often say as much, along with dropping hints the size of nuclear warheads trying to suggest that he reconnect with either of them.
And then his eyes wandered too far, and he saw Aradia's old handle.
His face was blank in the ghostly white light of the monitor as he stared at it. apocalypseArisen. She had always been rather morbidly fascinated with death and end-of-the-world scenarios.
Deep Impact had been one of the first movies they'd watched together. It had been such a shitty film and he had told her as much. But more than the movie itself, he remembered the way their hands had been nearly touching as they'd watched. He remembered being keenly aware of her shoulder next to his. Of her impossibly long and fluffy black hair brushing against his bare arm. All those almost-touches had made the moment when Aradia had clasped his fingers in hers as the comet fragment hit the Atlantic that much more memorable. If he closed his eyes, he could often still feel it. Her slender, calloused hands against his skin. The warm scent of her hair as it brushed his cheek.
If he closed his eyes, it was almost as though none of it had ever happened.
Almost as though she were cradling his head in her warm lap like she would do sometimes.
And telling him how strange he was for letting such a ridiculous nightmare get the best of him.
He pushed himself away from the computer so hard that the back of his chair slammed into his bed. Several of the cans balanced on his headboard clattered to the floor, rolling across empty fast food wrappers before coming to rest on his carpet.
He had always meant to delete her name from his contact list. Always meant to, but never could.
It was the same reason he never acted on any of Karkat's hints-of-mass-destruction. He didn't want to reconnect with anyone. The very term reconnect seemed to imply that he had gone somewhere. That unspeakable things had happened. But that he was back now. As if someone had reached in and pushed the reset button on his mind. As if he was now capable of connecting with people again as he had always connected in the past.
But his mind had no reset button. And he would never forget.
Nor did he want to.
No matter how much he desired the comforts and simplicity his old self had once enjoyed, he was not that person anymore. And he had no wish to connect with anyone who wanted that person from him again.
He put his forehead on his desk, letting his skin sink into the cracks and scratches on the wood. He stayed there for a long time, exhaustion beginning to pulse from his very core and into his limbs. For a while he thought he might fall asleep there, when a little blip from his speakers made him look up.
caligulasAquarium: hey sol is this you
Sollux sighed, the annoyance settling back in his chest and wiping away the rancid thoughts festering in his mind. He stretched his fingers over the keyboard and began to type.
twinArmageddons: no, it's the fucking tooth fairy.
caligulasAquarium: okay well theres no need to be an asshole about it
twinArmageddons: that's really fucking rich coming from you.
twinArmageddons: and now that i've finally given in to your demands of providing some kind of sanctified shithole for you to relay your garbage to me in confidence, you can stop spamming the server's chat with your bullshit.
twinArmageddons: or you can test your luck.
twinArmageddons: and listen to the sound of your hard drive crashing down around you.
caligulasAquarium: wow okay talk about bein a little fuckin over dramatic
twinArmageddons: YOU are trying to talk to ME about being over dramatic?
twinArmageddons: wow okay, i just laughed my ass off there
twinArmageddons: like, it is in no way attached to my body anymore
twinArmageddons: because that was so fantastically hilarious.
twinArmageddons: i am just launching asses everywhere.
twinArmageddons: what the hell are you bothering me on minecraft for, anyway?
twinArmageddons: like, what is the fucking point of it?
twinArmageddons: are you just trying to give me a reason to demolish your shitty computer? maybe so that you can blame me for it and then con me into doing something else for you in order to serve your own warped ideas of justice?
caligulasAquarium: whats with all the suspicion sol cant a guy just want to play a video game with another guy in a friendly sort a manner
twinArmageddons: yeah, he could, if both guys actually knew what the fuck they were doing.
twinArmageddons: which you obviously don't.
twinArmageddons: have you even collected any blocks for crafting yet?
caligulasAquarium: uh
caligulasAquarium: well i havent collected anything to be honest i mean the game doesnt give you any sort of idea of what youre supposed to do and shit so ive just been runnin around
twinArmageddons: and the other players harvesting blocks and building shit never clued you in?
twinArmageddons: you know what, i'm not even surprised. i can't even muster the energy it would take to sort of sit back and let your obscene level of idiocy strike me as the physical impossibility that it is.
caligulasAquarium: well sorry for not bein a fuckin professional right outta the gate
twinArmageddons: okay, but see, the fact that you couldn't game yourself out of an inventory screen is really not the issue here.
twinArmageddons: the issue is that you obviously know as much about this game as you do about drinking.
twinArmageddons: and don't even try to defend yourself on that one. GZ told me how many beers you had and nobody with a drinking history gets that pissed up on a few bud lites.
caligulasAquarium: oh so now were makin this about my drinkin habits is that it
twinArmageddons: no, because i was pretty fucking clear that trying to make a debate out of it was completely pointless and definitely not a thing we would be doing, at all.
twinArmageddons: so don't do it.
twinArmageddons: feel free to try to explain what the hell you're doing on this server in a game you don't know jack shit about, though, because i'm sure hearing you bullshit some kind of an excuse is going to serve as loads of fucking laughs on my end.
caligulasAquarium: what the fuck do you want me to say sol
caligulasAquarium: if its an admission a guilt that youre wantin where i basically tell you outright that the only reason i bought this game was so that i could play with you then there you go i just fuckin said it
twinArmageddons: uh… okay…?
twinArmageddons: i mean i could understand that if you actually knew anything about minecraft because i'm pretty much the best there is at this shit. which isn't actually something i brag about because talking about what hot shit you are on the internet is usually the best signal there is that you've failed completely in life. but never mind. because the point here is that you don't have any clue how good i am so there's absolutely no reason for you to want to play this with me.
caligulasAquarium: does there have to be a fuckin reason for everything sol i mean fuck cant i just play a fuckin game with you because its a thing i like to do and im really fuckin bored right now
twinArmageddons: you're doing this just to be a dick, aren't you?
twinArmageddons: just to get my goat, that's all this is about.
twinArmageddons: did KK tell you something?
twinArmageddons: who the fuck gave you my handle?
He paused his fingers, backing away from his screen as the Skype voice call notification popped up on his screen. He blinked at it for a few moments before declining the call.
twinArmageddons: what the fuck are you doing? what part of any of that said, "oh god please call me eridan i need your voice in my ears right now"?
caligulasAquarium: i dont know i wasnt really payin any attention to any a your typin i was just thinkin that if were gonna play this game that it would be a lot easier to talk than it would be to type
twinArmageddons: i don't want to talk to you, dicksauce.
caligulasAquarium: come on sol i just want to play this game okay it looks interestin and i just want to know what it is you get up to in it
twinArmageddons: can't you just
twinArmageddons: go away or something?
caligulasAquarium: no that is not an option its answer this voice call or i begin spammin your stupid fuckin server chat or whatever
caligulasAquarium: your stupid fuckin servver chat sol
caligulasAquarium: serVVer chat
twinArmageddons: oh my god stop
caligulasAquarium: so wwhat do you say sol is this a thing thats goin to happen or wwhat
twinArmageddons: stop that right now you incontinent, ass-licking shit face.
Another notification for a voice call popped up on Sollux's screen. Livid, Sollux clicked on it and ripped his microphone from the tangle of cords sitting behind his monitor. He slammed the headset on and wrenched the voice piece down next to his cheek.
"I swear to god this means nothing more than that I'm promising, by way of giving in to your bullshit demands, to destroy you at a later date."
Eridan's voice crackled through some white noise at the other end. "Whatever, Sol, as if you fuckin' could. You with your fuckin' skinny chicken arms."
"Says the guy who couldn't lift his own box of books."
"Hey, that had to have weighed, like, at least half of what I do. And I mean, I could've lifted it just fine without help, but I had you guys over there, so why even bother?"
"Wow. You're so full of shit that I'm surprised you're not sucking down prune juice to discharge some of it out of the proper orifice. Since most of it is coming out of your face hole right now, which seems pretty unhealthy to me."
"I don't have time for your slander, Sol, are we goin' to play this game or not?"
"I'd like to say not, but seeing as you're threatening me with your dumbfuckery if I refuse, hey sure, why not? Let's get this fucking party started."
He tapped a few keys to load up a different server. A private one, where Eridan couldn't do any damage and Sollux wouldn't have to worry about the demands of the other players. He sent Eridan the server name over Skype.
"Wait, what's this I'm gettin' here?" The young man demanded. "Alternia? What's that?"
"It's my private server, douchenozzle," Sollux explained as he brought up one of his other avatars. twinArmageddons. He didn't use this character often, but he figured the mental damage from seeing familiar usernames had already been done thanks to Skype. In a way, he was thankful to Eridan for being as obnoxiously distracting as he was. He didn't have to put too much thought into anything anymore, now that he was being assailed by the idiot's demands.
It was nice to be able to use TA without giving much thought to the baggage for the simple fact that he'd always been rather fond of the design. Just a gray-skinned sprite with two pairs of candy-corn horns and anaglyph glasses, as well as the symbol for his star sign, Gemini, plastered across a black shirt. It was nothing fancy. Sollux didn't excel at visual art in any sense of the term. But as far as character designs went, it was one he was rather proud of.
And it didn't slip past Eridan's notice either.
"Why is it that I can't get my character to be lookin' all customized like yours is?" he complained as his own generic avatar ran tentatively around the desert biome they had been spawned in.
"Because you haven't dicked around with your skin at all," Sollux explained briskly as he began making his way toward the castle that he'd been in the process of building. He had made sure to make it tall enough to be spotted from most points on the map.
"So if I did that sort of dickin' around shit, I could make myself a kickass avatar like what you have except better?" Eridan asked.
Sollux rolled his eyes as he made his way across the sand. "Probably not, since you're pretty shit at gaming, obviously. Like, what would you even want to make?"
"I don't know. Like a cape or something equally awesome."
"A cape?" Sollux grimaced. "Are you being serious right now or are you just throwing out the most bullshit thing you can scrape off the top of your shallow brain pool?"
"No, I'm bein' completely fuckin' serious, who doesn't think capes are awesome?"
Eridan's tone was indignant in his ears. As if Sollux had actually offended him by trying to suggest that capes were bullshit. The reaction didn't really surprise Sollux as much as the fact that Eridan really wanted a cape for his avatar did. He frowned at his monitor as he made it to the base of his stone castle and began climbing the steps toward the door.
"I don't know, I guess making a cape is possible. I don't really concern myself with that shit, though. I'd rather just build stuff and dick around with the game mechanics than do any sort of fancy customization with my avatar. I mean, it all gets covered up with armor anyway."
"Oh really? Well that's kind of fuckin' bullshit. I was really hopin' for capes, here."
Sollux was beginning to get curious about the feasibility of capes despite himself. "I don't know. I'll look into it."
"So what's this place we're headin' into just now?" Eridan asked as Sollux opened the door and made his way into the castle.
"Just some place I've been building for a while. Trying to make it really extravagant. I'll show you a bit if you swear not to hit any buttons except for the movement keys. This shit took a long time to work out."
"Whatever you say, Sol, because it's not like you've told me how to fuckin' do anything in this game yet besides movin' around anyway."
"Shut up for a second, I'm going to show you the sort of shit you can do before I let you go making a complete asshole of yourself by tearing blocks up without putting any forethought into what you're doing."
He made his way to a staircase and climbed it up into a room, where there were chests laid out on the ground. He turned around to see Eridan hopping up behind him. Once in the room, the generic avatar wheeled around before turning to face him.
"Okay, I'm not seein' anything especially impressive here, Sol."
"I'm not done yet, jackass. Come over here." He made his way out of the room and down the stairs, turning and taking and identical set of stairs to a lower level into a room of identical size, with all of the chests resting on the ceiling.
"I don't really expect you to get this, but—"
"Oh wait, this is the same room, isn't it?" Eridan cut in suddenly as his avatar looked up at one of the chests on the ceiling. "Everything's in the same spot, just on the ceiling."
"Uh…yeah, actually. I built this castle in two parts. The lower section is actually a mirror image of the upper section."
"Kind of like how the whole castle flips in Symphony of the Night?" Eridan asked as his avatar jumped around, as if trying to touch one of the chests.
"…Exactly like Symphony of the Night. That's where I got the idea." Sollux tapped absently at his desk as he stared at Eridan's avatar. "So you play Castlevania, then?"
"Sure, who doesn't play Castlevania? At least the old ones. Some a that new shit I really don't know about. I don't keep myself up to date on a lot a that crap."
Sollux didn't respond. Instead he just sort of watched Eridan bounce around like an idiot, trying to reach his chests. He was mildly surprised. He hadn't expected someone as vain and idiotic as his new douchebag neighbor to have any sort of decent taste in video games. Maybe he hadn't given the guy as much credit as he perhaps deserved.
And maybe this whole Minecraft thing wouldn't be as painful of an experience as he'd thought.
"Hey, how about you stop bouncing around like a jackass and let me show you how to not suck at this game?" Sollux snapped into his microphone before turning out of the room and ascending the stairs back onto the main level once again.
"That's what I've been waitin' for, Sol, you just keep fuckin' standin' around like some kind a brain-dead cow or whatever."
"Sure, we'll just go with that. Because I am definitely the more brain-dead of the two of us. Definitely."
"I'm glad we could reach that sort a general consensus, Sol."
"Yes, obviously. Now shut up and let me teach you how to actually craft shit so that you can do more than just jump around like a teacup poodle hopped up on coke."