Title:Mind Reader
Theme:Set #3 - Den Den Mushi
Claim:Zoro
Words:1027
Rating:K
Disclaimers: If I owned One Piece, I would know how Den Den Mushi work. It's obvious from this fic I have no idea how they work. Ergo, I do not own One Piece. QED.
Acknowledgments:Thanks to ZeldaAddict42 for beta-ing this! Also, inspired by a pic by Syb. [pics. livejournal. com /sybile /pic /000565d5]

Bur-lep bur-lep bur-lep.

Bur-lep bur-lep bur-lep.

Bur-lep bur-lep bur-lep.

Zoro opened his eyes blearily. What the hell was that noise?

"Your Den Den Mushi is ringing, Swordsman-san."

"I know that, dammit," Zoro muttered. He didn't like to be woken up from a nap for any reason, and of all possible reasons, a Den Den Mushi ranked pretty near the bottom of his list. Why Nami had bought them each a Baby Den Den was beyond him.

Okay, so he did know the precise reason. Nami had definitely not been pleased when he turned up at the ship the day aftergoing out on a "short walk", though he suspected it was more out of a general desire to be able to stay in contact with their nakama even when they were separated. The episode with Kuma had traumatised them all, even if Zoro would never admit it, and they were all a tiny bit more clingy and more protective of their nakama than they once were. Not that Nami would ever admit to this being the reason, either. Pinning the blame on Zoro meant that she could charge them all to his tab.

Bur-lep bur-lep bur-lep. Bur-LEP bur-LEP bur-LEP.The Den Den Mushi flapped its lips at Zoro insistently.

"Fine, fine, I'm picking up already," he grumbled. "Hello? What d'you want?"

"Oh, Zoro. You took your time answering. Listen, can you ask Nami-san and Robin-chan whether they would like strawberry parfait for dessert?" the Den Den said in a close approximation of Sanji's voice.

"What the hell? You woke me up for THAT? Why couldn't you ring them instead?" Zoro demanded.

"Because I wanted to hear your sweet dulcet tones." Zoro could practically see the sarcasm oozing out of the Den Den Mushi's eyes, and he was disturbed to see its right eyebrow coiling into a familiar spiral. "Of COURSE I'd have rung them if I could, but I couldn't reach their Den Den Mushi, idiot marimo!"

Grumbling under his breath, Zoro turned to Robin. "You heard that?"

"Yes, and I can answer on Nami-chan's behalf. Strawberry parfait would be most acceptable."

"You heard that, shit cook?"

"Hai, Robin-chan! I will make the most perfect str-"

Zoro turned off the Den Den with a venomous click when hearts began to pop out of the Den Den Mushi's right eye, and it immediately returned to its normal snoozing state. "Annoying bastard, isn't he?" Zoro groused. The Den Den Mushi opened its eyes and gave him a doleful nod. "Heh, even you think so, huh? Looks like we'll get along just fine." Especially since they both seemed fond of long naps.

"Communing with your Den Den Mushi, Swordsman-san? How sweet."

Zoro turned beet red at Robin's comment. "So...how do these things work, anyway?" he asked loudly, to cover his confusion. Fortunately, Robin was always ready with an erudite explanation and willing to communicate it.

"From what I've read, Den Den Mushi communicate with each other using brain waves. The Den Den Mushi translate the words and emotions of the speaker into thought form and transmit them through the ether to other Den Den Mushi."

"So...it's kind of like telepathy?" Zoro shot the Den Den Mushi a suspicious glare.

"I suppose so. Do youbelieve in telepathy, Swordsman-san?"

"No," Zoro answered shortly. He looked thoughtfully at his Baby Den Den. It must be annoying, being a Den Den Mushi and constantly being exposed to your nakama's thoughts, he mused commiseratingly. He'd go crazy if he had to listen to the shit cook's drooling over women all the time. Or Luffy's drooling over meat, for that matter. Or Nami's drooling over money. As for what Franky was thinking whenever he went into one of his interpretive dances, he was rather afraid to find out.

His gaze shifted up to Robin, and he reflected that maybe there were some perks to being a Den Den Mushi. He'd never been able to figure out the mysterious woman's thought processes. Sure, he trusted her now, but he'd feel a lot more comfortable around her if he only knew what she was thinking...

"But then I'd be able to discern what you are thinking too, Swordsman-san."

That was true. He definitely wouldn't want everyone to know all his secrets, the innermost thoughts that he kept private from the world, even his closest nakama. Being reincarnated as a Den Den Mushi would be the worst thing on earth, he decided, not that he believed in reincarnation...wait, did Robin just read his mind?

"I thought you didn't believe in telepathy, Swordsman-san," Robin said, an all-too-knowing smile on her face at the horrified look on Zoro's.

Damn woman must've been a Den Den Mushi in a past life. "Now hang on, just how -" he began, when he was interrupted by a familiar sound.

Bur-lep bur-lep bur-lep.

Zoro made an annoyed "tch" and clicked the Den Den Mushi on. "What the hell is it NOW?" he barked.

"Z-z-zoro?"

"Oh, it's you, Chopper," Zoro said, more calmly. "What is it?"

"I had a question for Robin, actually. Does she have already have a copy of..."

"If you had a question for her, why didn't you just CALL her?" Zoro yelled in annoyance.

The Den Den Mushi's eyes were wide and watering as it quavered Chopper's reply: "Sorry, Zoro, but I couldn't reach her!"

"Why the hell NOT?"

"What is Zoro shouting about over there? He's so noisy," Nami complained, coming up to Robin.

Robin looked towards Zoro contemplatively. "Perhaps we should tell him how to put the Den Den Mushi into silent mode?"

Nami shrugged, a wicked grin spreading across her face. "Nah." Not as long as she could get away with employing him as an unpaid Den Den Mushi operator, anyway.

A/N: Why does everyone keep taking advantage of Zoro in my fics? Poor defenceless dear :-) *has head sliced off by Zoro for calling him that*

One interesting thing about this prompt was how many different ways people had of spelling the sound effect the Den Den Mushi made! I did "bur-lep", someone else did "ba-dap", a third did "bee-rup". When I looked (finally) at a raw, it was just "pu-ru-ru-ru". What? It did not sound like that in the anime!

Another interesting factoid: Den Den Mushi may be based on this 19th century scam in which two French occultists developed a "snail telegraph" and got a lot of gullible people to invest in it. The principle behind it was that when two snails mate, they would form a telepathic bond. You would have 24 pairs mate (one for each letter of the alphabet minus Q and X, presumably), and separate them, gluing one of each pair to a board. One board went to New York, the other stayed in Paris, and the idea was that if you wiggled the antennae on one, its mate would wiggle as well. Needless to say, it didn't work. You can read more about it if you search for the "Pasilalinic-sympathetic compass".

Anyway, I'll stop my blabbing here. As always, do let me know what you think!