This was the day that Sollux Captor met Feferi Peixes.
For a week he locked himself back in his room. During that entire time he never once touched Minecraft or glanced at the forums. Instead he whiled away the hours by watching shitty sitcoms from his bed, hoping that the sheer awfulness would be enough to make him smile and maybe, for a moment, forget everything.
Karkat had tried to talk to him. On one occasion he had even left a Crunchwrap Supreme outside Sollux's door as a peace offering. But that only served to make Sollux angrier. So he let it sit outside his room, instead consigning himself to starving quietly as he listened to music under his desk.
After several days, however, the hunger became too much for him to tolerate, even in his sessile condition. He dragged himself to the door, his head spinning and his legs shuddering as he turned the handle and stepped slowly out into the hallway.
It was only dimly lit outside. He had made sure to time his foray into the kitchen appropriately. According to the clock on the computer, it was 3 AM on a Tuesday. He knew that Karkat had work early on Tuesdays. And as for Gamzee… Gamzee never bothered him. So the time was ideal for him to slip silently into the kitchen to grab some food before retreating back to his room once more. As he crept forward on wobbly limbs, it seemed as though he had calculated correctly. The house was silent, except for the snores emanating from Gamzee's room.
The light over the sink allowed Sollux just enough illumination for him to make his way to the fridge. He opened it and squinted in the harsh light, peering at the disorderly assortment of food stuffed on each shelf.
He knew he had to eat. But now that he was faced with a refrigerator full of nourishment, none of it seemed appetizing to him. He pulled out a packet of bacon and peered at it. It did look good, but cooking it would make too much noise.
He shut the fridge and set about raiding the pantry instead. He finally pulled a jar of peanut butter from its depths before fishing a spoon from the drawer. He then turned to shuffle back to his room, his eyes drooping with fatigue.
"Raiding the kitchen at 3 in the morning? That's never happened before."
Sollux nearly dropped his peanut butter. He glowered at the boy standing behind him who had his arms crossed over his work shirt.
"What do you want?" Sollux asked, opening his jar and sticking his spoon inside.
"Oh, I don't know. I just thought it'd be fun to get up at two in the goddamned morning. You know. Just to stimulate the lobes in my brain designated specifically for masochistic enjoyment. Nothing like waking up before the sun rises to get you in the mood for having a fantastic as fuck day at the call center."
"So did you just get up to bitch at me, or what?" Sollux asked, staring at his peanut butter as he stuffed a spoonful into his mouth.
Karkat deflated, and his tone dropped. "No. I came to apologize. I'm still right about all of this shit. But maybe you were right about Eridan being a good thing for you."
Sollux pulled the clean spoon from his mouth and swallowed. "Doesn't matter anymore. I'm done with him."
"Okay, you can say that shit, but let's be objective here for a second. You went outside. Twice. And as far as I know, he didn't hold a fucking gun to your head to get it to happen. Unless he did, in which case I retract my argument and we can go over to his house right now and string him up by his intestines. But…" Karkat trailed off, dropping his hands. "Do you see where I'm going with this?"
Sollux didn't respond. He simply shoved more peanut butter into his mouth.
"God. Look, will you just fucking tell me what the problem is? I'm trying to be all contrite here and am basically rolling onto my back and exposing the soft underbelly of my pride. But you're not giving me a whole hell of a fucking lot to go off of here."
"He broke my chair," Sollux said flatly.
Karkat winced. "Yeah, but like, was it an accident or—"
"It wasn't high enough for him. So he fucking broke it."
"And what were you doing the whole time, just dancing around—"
"I told him not to and he broke it. He fucking broke it, KK, all right? So that's gone to shit now too."
Karkat was silent for a moment before he replied, "Did you at least throw it away?"
Sollux pointed to the window. "Take a look for yourself if you want."
Karkat stared at him skeptically for a while longer, as if this was just some ruse to distract him for long enough to let Sollux beat a retreat back to his room. But Sollux never moved. So Karkat made his way to the window by the front door and peered outside.
"You're really getting rid of it then?" he asked as he made his way back to the kitchen.
Sollux nodded. "It was just taking up space in my room."
"So…" Karkat shifted his feet uneasily, dropping his eyes to the floor. "Are you down to one thing, then?"
Sollux stuffed another spoonful of peanut butter into his mouth and nodded again.
"The necklace…?" Karkat guessed.
Sollux's knuckles began to turn white as he gripped his spoon harder. "She never wore that."
"Oh. Yeah."
They lapsed into uneasy silence. At last Sollux shoved his spoon deep into the peanut butter's soft surface before beginning to make his way around Karkat and out of the kitchen.
The shorter boy caught him by the shoulder. "Hey."
Sollux yanked his shoulder away but turned to face Karkat. The shorter boy sighed and crossed his arms again.
"Remember from a few seconds ago when I said that I was right about all this shit? Now do you remember even further back when I flipped out at you and said that I knew how all of this was going to go down? Well, that's what I was right about. I was right about being right."
"Congratulations. Do you want a gold star or something?" Sollux asked scathingly.
"Just hear me out for a second, okay?" Karkat barked before reverting back to his more careful and pensive tone. "You can say all this shit like you don't want to go back to the way things were before the accident. And I can understand that. I get it. You're a different guy because shit happened and that's cool. It's cool that you want to acknowledge your shit. But there's kind of a problem with that. Because you still wear those shades, Sollux."
Sollux frowned. "What does that have to do with anything?"
Karkat shrugged. "I don't know. You tell me. Is your functioning eye super sensitive to light?"
Sollux glared at Karkat for a while before dropping his gaze to the floor.
Karkat scoffed. "You say you want to be this guy who's come out of all of this shit and that you're tired of people treating you as if none of it happened. But you're the one hiding everything behind a pair of cheap retail-brand sunglasses. You push away the people who know about all your bullshit in favor of a guy who doesn't know jack shit about any of it. Then you blow up when he wrecks something of hers like he was supposed to know. Fucking Christ, Sollux. If you want to be this guy that you say you are, you can't keep hiding stuff and pretending it didn't happen. Then maybe the rest of us would get a fucking clue too."
Sollux didn't respond. He continued to stare at his peanut butter.
"And it's not like I'm trying to defend the guy or anything. I still think he's an irritating asshole. But if he's been able to do shit the rest of us haven't, then you know what? Good for him. I can stop being a jealous dick for long enough to appreciate the fact that he's helping you do all this 'living' bullshit that I haven't been able to wring out of you in over a year. But god dammit, Sollux. The guy at least deserves a fucking explanation for why you chased him out of the house over a broken chair."
Sollux stabbed his spoon in his peanut butter but refused to speak.
At last Karkat sighed and lifted his hands in defeat. "Well, that's all I've got. Now I'm going to drag my sorry ass back in front of my computer and drown myself in Sandler's ridiculous, yet thoughtful attempts to make Drew Barrymore fall for him on a daily basis after her brain does its nightly reset. Then I'm going to go punch my card at Hell Inc. and listen to people whine about their fucking subscriptions for eight hours. You know. Just to give you a little snapshot of the giggle-fucking good times I've got lined up for myself today."
Karkat retreated from the kitchen before Sollux could form a proper reply. Not as though Sollux had really planned on forming a proper reply at all. He dropped into one of the chairs at the dining room table, staring into his peanut butter. Instead of inciting the ravenous rage it had sparked in his stomach moments before, the sight of the jar now made his gut roll and groan, like some cold rock had lodged itself in his insides.
He capped the peanut butter and replaced it in the pantry, tossing his spoon in the sink before grabbing a kitchen chair and dragging it back to his room.
The first thing he did once he was sitting back in front of his computer was to check the Minecraft forums. They had blown up to a predictably unmanageable level. Since the release of the official Alpha version of the game, a few new elements had been added. But the thing everyone seemed to be pissing themselves over was a special release that had been given out to only a select few users (of which, Sollux discovered, he had been one). He figured that one of the more exciting features of this update was the incorporation of snow into the Minecraftian universe, since he found about fifty different PMs sitting in his inbox asking about how awesome he thought the snow was.
Now sufficiently intrigued, he downloaded the update and opened one of his experimental servers to dick around with it. As he did, however, he found himself less concerned with the snow itself and more concerned with its possible implementations on Alternia.
He pushed himself away from his desk, staring dejectedly at his monitor as the white block that was the sun arched its way over his server's sky. As tenacious and intrusive as Eridan was, the man had not once attempted to contact him during the past week. Sollux picked up his phone to double check the situation, scrolling through his texts. The last one he'd received from Eridan was nearly two weeks old and read: hey get online and see this house i made outta cacti.
Sollux scrolled up a bit. Before he'd chased Eridan out of the house, he'd gotten used to receiving at least one text a day from the moron. Maybe not only gotten used to it. He couldn't deny that there was some part of him that was fond of it.
Sollux set the phone down on his desk, guilt burning at his insides. He stared at his monitor again, wondering if Eridan had perhaps left him any messages on Skype. But once he'd opened the program, he found no pending notifications waiting for him.
His stomach roiling, he went back to playing Minecraft. But he only managed to hack up a few blocks before his phone was in his hand again. Fingers shaking, he punched out a quick message.
hey jackass. so what do you think about snow on alternia?
He reread it. And then he deleted the expletive, because he didn't think sounding hostile right now would be the best option.
hey. so what do you think about snow on alternia?
His eyes flicked over it again. Then his stomach clenched so tightly with guilt-ridden anxiety that he had to set his phone down before he could send the message. After playing a few more minutes of Minecraft, he eventually jabbed the 'send' button before he could give it any more thought.
The rest of the day was an exercise in waiting. Though he spent all his time playing Minecraft and browsing Youtube, it was all empty activity. He got nothing of merit done. Because all of it was just distraction. Just a way to while away the hours so that he could deaden the nervous cramps in his stomach as he waited for his phone to vibrate in response.
It never did.
He lay in bed that night, holding up his phone, staring at the message he'd sent. He wondered if there had been an error. If it might be best to try sending the text again. Yet the tightness in his chest assured him that there was no mistake. His message had reached Eridan's phone. It was just that the man was choosing not to reply.
The next morning found him huddled over the kitchen table, his phone at his elbow and his face buried in his arms.
He heard the scrape of metal against linoleum as Karkat pulled out a chair and sat beside him. Sollux lifted his head just enough to see the boy sitting in his work shirt and pouring himself a bowl of Lucky Charms.
"What's up with you?" Karkat asked as he began shoveling cereal into his mouth. "I don't usually see your leering face before noon."
"I think I really fucked up, KK," Sollux muttered, setting his head back down.
"No shit, douchelord," Karkat remarked, spraying the table with flecks of milk and spit.
"I sent him a text yesterday and he still hasn't responded." Sollux's voice was muffled by the table.
"As heart-felt and eloquent as I'm sure your text message was, have you ever considered the fact that he lives right across the fucking street?" Karkat asked before draining his cereal bowl of milk.
Sollux wrapped his arms tighter about his head. "I can't go over there."
"No? Well then, enjoy a great day filled with guilt and self-loathing, general ass-nugget. I gotta go."
Karkat stood, dumping his cereal bowl in the sink with a clatter before bolting out the door. Sollux sighed as he heard the car start and roar off down the road. He lifted his head and looked at his phone. It was nearly eight o'clock. Karkat was definitely going to be late. He then checked his inbox once again for messages. And once again it had nothing to display.
He put his head back down on the table, flicking the edge of his phone. As he watched it spin, someone else entered his field of vision. He clapped a hand over his phone, looking up to see who had entered the kitchen.
Instead of Gamzee, like he'd been expecting, he found himself staring at the boy from the park. His black cat was clutched tightly to his chest as he shuffled into the kitchen, his mohawk tousled from sleep. He gave Sollux a small grin and a wave before he opened the fridge.
The sight of the boy in Sollux's already anxious and volatile condition set a blaze of anger burning in his gut. Sollux dragged his phone close, glaring up at the kid through his one good eye.
"He must really like your ass if he's let you stick around this much," he remarked flatly.
The boy looked up from the refrigerator. He cast his gaze around before looking back to Sollux. "Are you, talking to me?"
"I don't see anyone else in here," Sollux snapped.
"Oh, I suppose, that's true," the boy said haltingly, shrinking behind the door a bit. "I just didn't, really, understand how that statement could, uh, pertain to me."
"Because Gamzee usually drops people after he porks them. He has no concept of a committed relationship," Sollux remarked acidly.
"Oh, uh, I guess, that's…nice to know. For future reference. So I should probably, thank you, or something. But we haven't, actually, done anything involving pigs or, meat at all," the boy's gaze slid back to the refrigerator, and he began rifling through it again.
"It's a euphemism for sex, dumbass."
"Oh, I know, I was just, trying to play along with your metaphors, I guess, even though pigs and meat don't really have, um, much to do with intercourse." He was focusing quite hard on a jar of pickles.
Sollux's hot anger was chilled slightly by the sudden shock. "You're saying you haven't done anything with him?"
"Oh no, we've done lots of things," the boy suddenly gave a very genuine smile. "Like, play card games and, pet Rufio." He scratched his kitten's ears and the cat returned his affection by grabbing his hand in its paws and gnawing on the boy's knuckles.
Sollux wanted to upend his table and smash his phone against a wall.
How was it that Gamzee Makara was establishing a solid relationship with some kitten-toting, park-dwelling stranger when he couldn't even get Eridan to text him back?
He grabbed his phone and stormed out of the room, his insides more knotted than ever. He slammed the door shut behind him, sitting back down in front of his computer. He went through his inbox on the forums, deleting everything before he curled up under his covers.
He spent what felt like days there. Just lying on his side with his knees pulled up to his chest, staring at the slatted blinds. He watched as the sunlight changed from its morning gold into a whiter hue. He held his phone up to see that it was about half past nine. He sighed before sitting up and swinging his feet over the side of the bed. He stared at his toes for a minute. And then he stood, setting his phone on his desk before making his way to the shower.
One clean pair of clothes later, Sollux stood in front of Eridan's door. His sunglasses were clutched tightly in his hands. It had taken every bit of willpower he possessed not to put them on before leaving the house. But not taking them with him at all was simply out of the question. Taking a few steadying breaths, he raised a finger and jabbed at the doorbell.
He was still contemplating whether or not he wanted to quickly slip his sunglasses on at the last minute when the door opened. He felt his stomach lurch, his throat clenching on the explanation he'd rehearsed in his head.
But standing inside the door wasn't Eridan. It was a young woman. She was tall and tan, with voluminous dark curls that fell nearly to her waist. She blinked at him through a pair of pink glasses.
"Oh. I wasn't expecting anyone to come visiting. Are you one of Eridan's friends?"
Sollux was so shocked that the words fell from his mouth before he could catch them. "No. I'm just a co-worker."
What the fuck was he saying?
"Oh really?" The girl frowned and pressed a finger to her chin. "Huh. Eridan never told me anything about a job." She craned her neck to scan the street from over Sollux's shoulder. "Well, it doesn't look like you brought a car. Do you live nearby?"
"No, um. Yes. Just across the street." No. No, why was he telling her this? Who was she? Eridan's squeeze? He wanted to run. He wanted to run and shut himself inside his room and never come out again.
The girl just smiled at him. "You don't have to be nervous! Eridan's told me a lot about the guys across the street. Would you be…Sollux?" She gave him a grin that was much too mischievous for Sollux's liking.
"No. I'm Karkat," he answered instantly.
Stop. No. Why the fuck was he doing this?
"Oh, I see. So you're the really grouchy, protective one." She nodded, as if checking off a mental list. "And you also work with him?" She pursed her lips and widened her eyes. "Oh no. He wasn't supposed to go in today, was he?"
Sollux felt as though he was being strangled by some invisible noose. "I…no. I mean. I was just stopping by to see if he could take my shift tomorrow." Oh god, why the fuck was he saying this? He wanted to curl into a ball and tell the girl to leave him alone because he was such an unforgivable jackass.
"I was afraid of this," she sighed, putting two fingers to her brow and shaking her head. "I'm Feferi, by the way." She stuck out her hand and seized his fingers in a handshake before he could even react. "Do you want to come in for a second?"
"Sure." Sollux felt the words tumble from his mouth before he could stop them. The girl pulled on his hand and yanked him into the house, shutting the door behind him.
Inside everything was tidy. Sollux watched as Feferi approached the tiny dining table, which was cluttered with a various assortment of toiletries. She swept them aside as she pulled out a chair for Sollux. "Sorry about the mess. I was just back collecting some hair essentials for Eridan. He gets kind of dramatic if he doesn't have all his products."
Sollux felt something in his gut twist as he forced himself stiffly down into the seat. "Wait, you were getting him hair stuff? Is he not around?"
"That's what I guess he neglected to tell you," Feferi replied apologetically as she sat down across from Sollux. "That guy. He can be so difficult sometimes. And especially with something as important as his job! I can't believe he didn't say anything. I really hope you'll forgive him. And maybe let him stay on. Where is he working anyway? I don't think I ever asked you."
"Uh, he's just, um, down at a call center," Sollux mumbled quickly before adding, "But what's going on? What didn't he tell us?"
"Eridan down at a call center?" the girl exclaimed, slamming a hand to her forehead. "Holy carp! I can't believe he hasn't been cut loose yet!" She giggled a bit.
"Are you being evasive or some shit?" Sollux snarled suddenly, his temper flaring before he could reign it in.
She pulled her hand away from her head, the laughter gone from her face. "Maybe a little. He's going to throw a fit when he finds out I told you. But he should've been more responsible! So it's his fault, really." She took a breath, fiddling with one of the many bracelets on her wrist. "He's actually at the hospital right now."
Sollux felt as if the bottom had dropped out of his stomach.
No.
Not again.
He couldn't even formulate a reply. He simply opened and closed his mouth, like a hooked fish gasping for breath. Feferi seemed keenly aware of his distress and reached across the table to put her hands over his.
"Don't worry! He's fine. He just has…a condition. He's had heart troubles all his life. Right before he left on this little escapade of his, he had a surgery to get his shunts adjusted. I guess everyone thought that if he did that right before the big move, then he wouldn't have to worry about it again for a while. But I guess he was having complications. He called me about a week ago saying that it was getting really bad and that he was having a lot of pain in his chest. He's usually pretty whiny, so it's hard to always judge if the problem is serious or not. But once he called his parents to set up an appointment with one of the heart specialists nearby, I knew it was probably pretty bad. His mom and dad love him to death, but they're overseas on a business trip, so they asked me if I couldn't take a few days off from grad school to come down and help Eridan out. Eridan and I have known each other for years, if I didn't say so earlier. Anyway, that's why I'm here!"
She ended her spiel with a smile, but the sunny expression quickly vanished as she continued to gaze at Sollux. She gave his hands a squeeze. "Are you okay?"
Sollux's whole body was trembling. A heart condition? What? Surgery? For a second he wanted to go outside and make sure he'd come to the right house. Wanted to ask this woman if they were talking about the same Eridan. None of this made sense. He felt dizzy and sick. He felt his phone in his pocket, resting against his thigh like some lead weight. Cold and silent.
He wanted to put his head down and scream.
"Hey…" Feferi said, rubbing the top of his hand comfortingly. "I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean to shock you with any of this. I guess I've just gotten in the habit of making light of the situation. Eridan doesn't like it when people talk about his health issues, so I've always sort of treated it like he was going on mini vacations whenever he took trips to the hospital. I'd sort of call him up and say, 'Hey, crabface, how's the food in Tahiti?' and he'd say, 'it's fuckin' SHIT!' like he usually does…"
She trailed off again as she continued to stare at Sollux's face, which was the color of sour milk. "He's not in any life-threatening danger. It's always been like this for us. He just has to haul his grumpy ass down to the hospital more than most people do. But he always makes it out okay. It's just like a routine now, you know?"
Sollux couldn't move. Couldn't think. His nose was full of the smell of antiseptic. His skull reverberating with the sounds of drills and urgent voices and metal clinks. His heart felt like it had frozen in his chest. He tried to breathe. Tried to blink. But all he could do was watch. Watch as his vision exploded with glass and broken metal. Watch as half his world went dark. As his hands were dipped in red.
Feferi's voice cut the filmstrip, sending Sollux's brain spinning in place.
"Um…if you want, I can drive you to the hospital. Maybe it would be better if you talked to him about it?"
Sollux jerked his hands away from her. He got up without a word and left the house. He went back across the street, back through his door. He passed the kitchen. The bathroom. And he returned to the confines of his room.
He dropped onto the bed and put his face in his hands.
Why was he such an idiot?
Why was he such a fucking idiot?
He gripped his hair in his fists, shaking.
He couldn't go there. He couldn't. Not after everything. Not after her.
A strangled cry erupted from his mouth. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair.
He was scared.
Eridan was in the hospital and he was scared.
He fell into his bed and pulled the covers over his head. He shook and trembled and felt bile crawl up his throat. He couldn't do it. He couldn't.
But he had to.
"Don't you have shit you're scared of?" Eridan had asked from behind a big purple towel.
"Yeah I do," he forced out into the sheets, his voice cracked. "Yeah I do, you great big lying jackass."
It took a while. A few hours of cursing and fidgeting and rolling about. But finally he sat up, his eyes red. He grabbed his phone, scrolling down to the name of the only person with a car who was free at noon on a Wednesday.
"Hey, Kanaya? This is Sollux. I need you to do something for me."